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Firstly, a Happy Father's Day to those good fathers out there.
I am struggling with a lot all at once. What has been keeping me sane are my talks with God and meditation. I also needed to write it out to help me from rolling back into the fog that seems to want to follow and engulf me. That fog for me is mostly the Nmom and Nsis.
The saddest thing of all is that my other sis who was sweet and used as a scapegoat growing up, passed away last month. This is devastating to me, because she had rightly distanced herself from the FOO members who are left now (alot of members have passed away). Therefore, I hadn't spoken to her for about 10 years; she spoke to me at first and kindly brought over a care package and money when I was laid up from a broken ankle. At the time, she wasn't speaking to my Nmom and grandmother (who I can't figure if she is an N, but she might be a passive one). But I berated her for not speaking to them. I thought I was doing right at that time, and even said about my grandfather who passed away a few years prior and used to be the strong figure that kept us all together, "He wouldn't be proud of you right now (how she is "treating" my grandmother). She had calmly responded that I was naiive and I became offended (couldn't see it at the time). Now I realize that I was subconsciously afraid of becoming the scapegoat and was doing flying monkey activities on their behalf. But I can't imagine what that must have done to her, because she is very sensitive; which contributed to making her the sweet person she was. So, even though I THOUGHT I was doing the "right thing" concerning family; she was right to go no contact with me, too. But I am feeling partly responsible for her feeling isolated.
Over the years, we would try to contact her to let her know about certain family events by leaving phone messages on her voicemail. But of course, no reply (can't blame her at all now). The bright spot was her son always stayed in contact; holidays, birthdays, funerals, simple hellos, etc. and he reminds me so much of her. His beautiful nature, that I've always appreciated and said so, it gives me peace.
A few years ago, I left an email having the gall to ask her if we siblings could all pitch in to help mom who is starting to struggle with paying her bills. This is even though she gambles! But I was so used to her doing this since I was 12, I factored that into it being her lifestyle (something FOO and friends would say too). Once again, this sweet sis didn't respond. Can't blame her again; in hindsight.
Eventually, I stopped calling her and finally realized she didn't want to be bothered. Along the way, I felt resentful for being the one who had to arrange these holidays, birthdays, etc. with the Nmom and grandmom. While I felt the Nsis did what she wanted (could pop up here and there certain holidays; lessened over time; realized because I was taking care of it), and the sweet sis stayed away year after year. While my thoughts were we were all going to pitch in for them.
But it began dawning on me what the sweet sis was doing--saving herself! And she went back to school and received her Masters in Social Science. This was quite an accomplishment also because her ex-husband is a Narc and stopped her from going to school when they were together. Not only did she divorce him, she repaired her finances that I understand he helped to ruin, and finished her degree! This is what I have done too; gone back to school a couple of years ago. And slowly realized she was one of the reasons I did it--after wondering if I could with my Nmom and grandmother's back and forth hospital visits I ended up dropping everything in order to be a first 'family member' responder. But I started distancing myself from their chaos (as some emergencies could have been avoidable) and just recently wanted to make contact with the sweet sis again to at least apologize to her. Then the Nmom's message came last month that she passed. (cont...
This is hard for me partly because the sweet sis didn't deserve to deal with this on her own and I can't communicate this to her.
I am also left with these N's I can't communicate with; as mentioned before (ad nauseum, but unfortunately relevant to the issue) the Nsis physically attacked me a couple of years ago and it fully dawned on me what the sweet sis HAD to do to get her peace and gain her prosperity. This same Nsis used to harrass her and once called her a derogatory name that the Nmom laughed about.
I felt in order to defend and define myself, I had to get the Nsis off my back (won't go into detail here) and while the Nmom was there, to this day she defends the Nsis (a phone argument this past weekend; and discarding certain parts as usual to try to state her case why I did wrong to the 'golden child'-didn't say that part, but might as well have). I said she can have her favorite and we can disagree; but just don't put her hands on me (I was yelling this; feeling PTSD I would say). I said this wasn't cute (because the Nmom tried laughing about it after this happened, too) and it wasn't a case of sibling rivalry as she would like to think. This was straight up harrassment! And don't think she will ride in my car (where she attacked from the back seat), or any car and don't ask me to get together for any reason.
The Nmom kept saying I am looking at it wrong and that I called her (the Nsis) a name, blah, blah. One, who attacks someone while they're driving, even if called a name that actually fit to how she was treating me? And even over something trivial that wasn't any of her business? There's more to it, but it's about being a lifetime of the same 'ol, same 'ol drama and the N's not thinking straight. But at the end of the day, I said I couldn't trust my Nmom. This was hard, yet a relief for me to get out; but as usual, I think this went over her head along with everything else.
Today, I get a text about a link to a tribute my sweet sis' job did about her; sent by the Nmom and to some others. I know the Nsis is on the text. I am somewhat vexed because I work hard to keep gray rock with this violent-prone sis; and I JUST talked to my Nmom about it (I know, it doesn't matter) and don't appreciate being on this group text to somehow awaken things up. It has nothing to do with my sweet sis' tribute; haven't watched it yet though. I tend to shut down when it comes to the N family members being involved in what I want to be a private and peaceful tribute to her. I am actually making my own in time for her birthday next month, and don't even know how I will distribute it just so it won't open things back up with them. I mostly want to speak to my nephew we text almost on a daily; but he doesn't know everything going on with the others.
I don't have a FOC and lost a lot of friends over time--examining this part, I believe it has to do with my upbringing and tendency to alienate others, as I feel I have been; so, it comes natural to me.
A lot to deal with along with the virus and other important issues; and possibly facing layoffs. While I've been doing great in school, it's been draining physically and mentally; and I worry about it affecting my health. Wondering if I should skip a semester.
I know this is a lot; can't believe all this is going on sometimes. That's how I know God is there. I just need another human to weigh in at times, and that's not attached to the situation, but can understand at least some aspects of it. So, while I don't expect anyone to take on all of it, anything one can advise on is always welcome.
(continued...)
I know it's long and complicated so I will narrow it down to these questions:
* Should I reply to my Nmom on this tribute she sent even though I feel she contributed to my sweet sister's feeling isolated by family?
* How should I feel about it, because I feel guilty too, but also feel this dynamic started before I was even born? (Nmom and her Nmother weren't close; had an Ndad with his own issues).
* How to keep safe from the Nsis even though she is the power of attorney for both Nmom and Ngrand but lives out of town, while I live closer to them? Plan to keep away and do things separately during emergencies, but don't want to encounter this Nsis at all, if possibly.
Thanks.
I find in reading about members who have a narcissist parent or two that it seems to be a genetic thing. A personality disorder that is inherited. Because these people never seem to see how their actions effect other people. They are very selfcentered. There is no "cure" for them because they can't except they are wrong. They just don't see it. But it seems, there is one child that didn't inherit the gene. And, they seem to be more sensitive and caring. Like "complete opposites". And, the narcissist sees this and plays on it. Knowing that they are able to "widdle" this person down. Its like a game with them that this poor person will never win. Your sister must have thought this was what life is and picked a narcissistic spouse. Finally realizing she was more than this. For her sanity (and maybe the advice of a therapist) she walked away from those people who made her feel less than what she was. She owed them nothing.
And now you understand where she was coming from. You are now the one who they will abuse. Because that is what it is mental abuse. You should "ghost" them. Sister has POA then she is the one who should be responsible for Mom and GMom. If they too are narcissists, they will never understand where you are coming from when it comes to Nsis. You will be blamed. I might even move if possible. Close ur email accts and get new ones. Block them on social media and your phone. You need to protect yourself.
I have a friend. She is the sweetest person. But her Mom and her daughter are narcissists. When daughter #2 moved to a different state, my friend and husband moved with her. DH was able to find a new job and everything was coming together. Her faith carried her through. Daughter #1 had a daughter of her own so my friend would go home to visit. Distance seemed to help the relationships, still not perfect but better...she thought. The first thing that happened was the granddaughter unfriended her on FB. She tried to call her to find out what happened and found she was blocked. Then pkgs and cards she sent were "returned to sender". Her daughter and Mother would not explain what she had done that she was being alienated from her granddaughter. She now has broken all ties with her family for her sanity. In their minds she has done something to warrant being alienated. It could be something so trivial or made up in their minds. I told her to pray that her granddaughter will realize who her Mom and greatgrandmom really are and reach out to her. She is too young at this point to go against her Mom. But maybe when she is older.
I don't consider myself religious but I do believe in prayer. So keep praying to have the strength to stand up for yourself and forgive yourself.
Thank you for your reply. I completely hear what you're saying. Big question: you said this is usually hereditary; does it sound like I have narcissistic tendencies to you?
Also, I already planned to move, but a few things went wrong on me; 1) I own my place and been trying to rent it out, but the management has these impossible rules where shareholders were put on a waiting list that can take years; as they are really trying to discourage us from renting; a woman who works there is giving me a hard time whenever I check where I am on this list 2) the pandemic freezes us from moving at all; management sent letters saying so 3) I got a job 'promotion' and now facing a possible layoff in my new position; couldn't move if I wanted to. Wonderful, right?
So I try the no contact thing especially while I'm busy with work and school; even though I live only 1 mile away from the Nmom, and 10 miles from the Ngrandmom. They keep trying to find ways to make me always call like I used to, but I only do once every month or so. Or, I might respond when there's big news. My problem is, I am a natural communicator and I keep going on once I do talk. Part of me is trying hard to act like things are 'normal', but I know it's not.
P.S. One thing I remembered about the sweet sister; I did tell her she was right one holiday (forgot which one) a couple of years ago when I called after I had to teach the Nsis the lesson for putting her hands on me. I had to leave a voicemail message, of course, but essentially I said she was right about everything. I just pray she heard it; but one thing that gives me hope is that my nephew said her number was the same when I asked him about it (didn't tell him why I was asking).
Thank you again. I feel so alone in this, but strangely calm. I know that's God keeping me this way. And I look to remember the 'Serenity Prayer'. So much going on out in the world right now, it somewhat pales in comparison. But these narcs keep going on through it all anyway.
It is so difficult when you are dealing with narcs. You know that you are in complete control of any contact they have with you. If you can't share this loss with them, you don't need to pretend that you are. You know that they will use it to get sympathy from others, don't let it eat at you. You do what you have to do to say goodbye.
It sounds like your sister was a believer as well as you, so you know one day that you will see her again. With none of the pain you shared in this world. What a day that will be.
I am happy for you that you see the truth now, it makes your sister happy too.
It is so good to hear from you! Thank you, as you and JoAnn's words are bringing me comfort during this hard time. There is so much going on in this world right now, too. Miraculously, I am feeling calm even thinking about it all; but I know God is keeping me this way.
In fact when you stated, "It sounds like your sister was a believer as well as you, so you know one day that you will see her again. With none of the pain you shared in this world. What a day that will be". My goodness, this is just how I feel; you have such an intuitive sense about you. You probably heard this before from people; because you just do. How are you doing yourself?
I wish I could visit the site more often, which I plan to do while I am off from college during the summer months; but once Fall comes again, oh boy! Crazy as it sounds, that is what scares me too. School keeps me so busy (not to mention work), that it is keeping me away from needing to work on my healing together with others going through the same thing. It really bothers me, yet I do love learning and I need the degree, naturally. But the frustration of not having time to write my thoughts and write to others about theirs, is not cool for me. Can't wait to finish, but it might take a few more years, as I even might be transferring schools. Bummer.
Happy Father's Day to all your loved ones. Hope to talk to you again!