Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Mom lives with us. At 89 she cooks, cleans, does laundry, pays her bills. But my husband is overly critical of the way she does things. He criticized her washing and made her cry.
I am going to answer this with a comparison situation. Many, many years ago I married a man with a son. It was pure misery and I felt I had no respect and was treated very badly and discipline when it was needed never entered the picture. I won't go into the gory details when, but for the Grace of God, I nearly died, the doctor intervened and told my husband that he knew he loved me, his wife, and his son and that was fine. However, it would be SUICIDE if he had both of us live under the same roof. He was right. But by the time he son left, the damage to the marriage was done. What I am saying, love the mother and love the spouse but they CANNOT CONTINUE TO LIVE UNDER THE SAFE ROOF TOGETHER. It just won't work.
The one time my husband criticized the way I did his laundry was when he started doing his own...and continues to do so. Life is too short, especially for our elders, to nit pick about such petty things. If he's unhappy with the way your mom is doing things, then, by all means, allow him to take charge of the task himself. I'd be amazed and overwhelmed if my 87 year old mother could do one of those things. She should be praised, not criticized. I do agree with RoseZullo, that there are always 2 sides, so you should find out why your husband is so unhappy that he has to take out his anger on an 89 year old lady. Wishing you peace.
You could ask your husband to tell you about any criticism he has about your mom and that you will handle it with her. This is the way to handle step children. The adult speaks to the actual parent of the child and they handle it. If he was unhappy that she didn't get the dishes clean for example he should tell you. At that point, if she isn't washing them well, you could redirect her to another task. Send her over to my house, she sounds like a great roommate. I won't make her cry! You can keep the husband though! Seriously, it might help if you and husband have some more couple's time. Go out on a date?
Oh leelor, I can wholeheartedly agree with the messes that u r talking about, even though my 👩 is in AL, I am there often and have (cleaned) her "many of time, I do her laundry, cut her hair, change her bed, take her cruising, bring her food, because I'v seen what the damn food looks like. Quit my job of 8 yrs to take care of my mom, because well she took care of me and my siblings. I was very blessed But when I hear selfish self centered so called Ioving sons and daughters bitch and throw a fit because their parent that by the raised us and they smelled our shit, tripped over toys, cleaned up our messes, put up with back talk, anybody could go on and on with that sinaro. They put up with ALOT taught us and etc. This older generation didn't get to sign up for what is happening to them. Im not going to say I'm offened because dear god, who isn'tisn't? I am "pissed off. Wanna know why?? I have 2 brothers that do not call, their f*****g lives are so important god knows they want to "live their lives and of course both my parents would want them to. But they seem to forget one important factor: to return a measly phone call once a week for 10 minutes.
Hear hear on the siblings who do nothing! I also have two brothers. One is not local, but for what it is worth, he does send cards on major "days"...
However, if he were local, I don't think he would be there often - the last time he was in the area to help clean out condo (she is in MC), we went to visit the day he arrived (I moved off to let them schmooze - he IS the golden boy and gets quite the greeting!) then I encouraged another visit on his own, which he did, for a short visit. Thereafter he refused to go again, stating he didn't know what to do with her... And both of YOU boys wanted to take her in when you found out how much AL cost!
The other, never mind that I don't think he visits mom, he doesn't even respond to my text messages (mostly benign messages - requesting recpts for deductions on sale of condo, which would include reimbursing him, or letting him know of any special occasions come up at the facility.) Not even a request to just say I'm still alive.
So, yeah, there are many of them out there. I get to handle/manage everything else, which sucks up a lot of time, but someone has to do it and it likely won't be them! I try not to think what will happen if something happens to me!
I began reading some of the replies then I just decided, nope- I'm going to answer this the was "I feel, living with my mother IN LAW". The difference is; she NO LONGER does a cotton-picking thing, and I mean not even picking a cotton fuzz ball off the floor! She has been living with us WAY TOO MANY YEARS. My husband brought her hear 23 years ago to die- yup, he thought it was just a matter of a year, or two, maybe three, but could be four, but I as much as five, or six, wow 7, 8, 9, 10, 15, 20, 21, 22, 23 WHEN THE HELL! Sure I was very patient and kind and considerate, until her laziness, and need to demand and act like it was her house and because it was her son she could still with a stern voice tell him what he needed to do and what she wanted. Then she wouldn't cooperate or do anything! I don't know why I writing anymore... I have, for years now, it's never going to end. She has managed to ruin my life, so I'll finish with why I think your husband is acting the way he is; He's sick and tired of spending his last years taking care of her. Not having the freedom to just live his life with his wife and do all the things a married couple should be able to do. Maybe he too can't stand walking into his house and smelling her, seeing her, seeing her hair and Kleenex tissues on the floor. Get's sickened by knowing she just rinsing her hands after changing her diaper opposed to really washing them after she has. Is she always needing someone to turn her tv on when she can do it herself but needs attention? These are the things I wonder if e is dealing with but because she is your mother, maybe you aren't seeing these things. I could be so wrong and I am sorry if I am, but being on the other side, like your husband- it so difficult to NOT be a grouchy grump, because I sure have become one. I'm inching into my 60's soon, and my husband is 66 and can already retire and collect SSI. WHEN will we EVER be able to enjoy our Golden years and just sit around and twiddle our thumbs "IF WE WANT"?
While I don't envy the situation you are in, you are transferring a lot of your experiences and negativity into this situation. OP did not provide a lot of detail, such as how long mom has been there, but she says mom "cooks, cleans, does laundry, pays her bills", it certainly doesn't resemble your MIL in the least! Unless/until we hear from OP that her mom is in diapers, messes everywhere, and doesn't lift a finger to help, you are barking up the wrong tree!
Also, from OP's comment, husband would pick on her if mom wasn't there. This sounds like a personal problem of HIS, not OP or her mom.
Rather than lash out at someone else's situation, perhaps you need to regroup and handle your own. DON'T enable MIL to push you around. DON'T pick up after her. Get out and do for yourself, let hubby take care of his mom, if he thinks it best she live with you. If you allow either or both of them to take advantage of you or the situation, YOU need to change, as you will not be able to change how others behave.
Tell the dipwad that she is doing wonderful for being 89 years old, it cracks me up to hear idiots saying how much of a burden a 89 or 90 yr old can be, he needs to grow the "HELL" up and give more respect where respect belongs. Like the ole saying goes it's a long road that doesn't hit a curve, see how he does when he is that age. My mom is 91 and in AL maybe that would b an option. And believe me it's not healthy for you to live in this situation either, been there done that.
You must stand up to the bully, if you feel that your grumpy hubby is a bully. Just do it in private and not in front of your mother. He ought to apologize to your mother.
Aww...that makes me sad to think about your mother crying when she's just trying to do her best. Bear in mind, that elders are typically more emotional simply because of their age. Perhaps hubby could be kinder.
Your mother is doing exceedingly well and should not be bullied by your husband and neither should you. He needs to learn better coping skills to manage his behavior. Abuse isn't always physical....sometimes it is verbal. Perhaps, when he feels a critical tirade coming on, he can leave the room or house or retreat to his "man cave." Then, channel his frustration into something positive like a hobby or at least count to ten and then think about what he wants to say and if he really needs to say it. Usually, with a little time and space something that feels like a ten on the annoying scale is reduced to a five or less:) And I agree with one poster's suggestion that when he does something right, you reinforce that with positive feedback. Be careful when addressing bad behavior that you frame statements fairly. When you said X, Y and Z to mom, I feel bad because..... He can't invalidate your feelings. If you say, you were mean to mom.....it puts him on the defensive. Model a way of resolving conflict, don't fan the flames by accusing him of anything. Hopefully, this uncomfortable situation will become a source for positive change.
There is always two sides to every story. I understand what is happening. My husband and I visit my Mom who is 96 and lives in her own home. Sometimes I feel like a referee when we visit. I try to keep the peace and always feel like I am in the middle. It causes much stress and resentment for all. Not trying to take your husbands side, but he needs some understanding too. Maybe that is why he is grumpy.
God Bless You! That is what I am thinking because I TRULY can feel what he must be feeling! I'm so glad I'm not the only one, but YOU said it so much more gracious and kind than the way I did. I could delete my reply, but I'm not. I'll take the beating that I'm probably going to get from others- but, it's okay, it can't be anymore painful and their words can't be anymore depressing than the way I already feel.
There is no excuse for anyone to be mean to a confused elderly person.She is just trying to make herself useful and help out. I am sorry your mother has to endure this and you have to witness it. If it were my mother I would try to keep her away from him away from him as much as possible. And I know it's his house and that would make it make it even more difficult. Good luck
I will say it again until I am blue in the face. Let's face it - elderly people have lived their lives and now it is your turn; they get all kinds of problems - physical and mental; but the negative, abusive behavior must never, ever, under any circumstances or reasons be tolerated. You do all you can out of kindness and love but when things get bad, you will be destroyed and get no thanks for it. It is time for them to be removed to a place where they can live and be properly cared for. But never, ever allow negativity and abuse from anyone - that is the cut-off point. And never feel guilty for doing what is right.
As you may see from the many questions posed, there is not enough information about your situation to offer a real solution to your dilemma, and a dilemma it is indeed. It is incredibly difficult to be stuck in the middle between two people you love, and that is exactly where you are :(
Maybe grumpy is just your fellas way in the world, or maybe this situation has brought this part of his personality to the fore... hard to say. What I can say confidently, is that it can be pretty tough to be where you are - but it is also tough to be where he is.
I have personal experience here. Suddenly your space has gone from a world governed by two adults, to one whose schedule and agenda is dictated (consciously or not) by a parent’s presence. For many of us, it has been literally decades since we shared our ‘space’ with a mom or a dad.
Suddenly, our wife is also a daughter, with all the baggage and scripts that entails. We become the person ‘in the way’ of a powerful mother daughter dynamic - no matter whether it is positive or negative - and those roles may not jibe well with our long-standing ‘husband/wife’ groove. It’s a complicated situation, a target rich environment for emotional charge and subsurface stress and resentment. No surprise that those issues are bubbling to the surface.
As a family therapist, and the spouse of a caregiver dealing with a love-in MIL, my suggestion would be this: blame is irrelevant and unhelpful - understanding and live, is key. Find somewhere you and your spouse can listen, and really hear, one another. Some respite time, a friend’s comfy living room, or if need be, a therapists office might work.
Sometimes the loss of (and subsequent grief over) the ‘we’ you two used to be, of the partners you both built your life with, can be like a constant pain - as onerous as nails on a chalkboard, day in, day out. Expressing it, and feeling it directly, can be a release valve that can drain away all that resentment and irritation. That way, it doesn’t have to come out side-ways. It was like that for us.
I was so sad about my home and partner - my ‘safe haven’ feeling lost, and missing the woman I knew and loved - it floored me when I realized just how much. When I did, my resentment of having my SO’s mom around, which had gotten pretty burdensome, became not only something much bearable, but something we could bear together.
Of course, it goes without saying that abusive behavior is never ok - no amount of hurt feelings justifies that choice. That said, most people don’t WANT to be grumpy... I’m not sure if this is what’s going on for you both, but maybe it is. Talking , formally or informally, might just be the antidote.
You might try telling him how it makes you love him even more when you see him being nice to your mother(even if that hasn't happened yet, speak as if it has) and that you know it isn't easy for him having her live there, so even when you see he bites his tongue, you notice and thank him in your heart. THEN when you see him actually DOING that, give him a little indication that you've made note and that you admire him.
I will comment, although I do not have a dog in the fight. You may want to consider asking hubby to leave any criticism to you. That could be coupled with a request that he talk with you privately when he has concerns about mom's way of doing things.
It seems obvious to me that your husband would be happier if she was not there. However, she IS there and functioning well. I have a hunch she is much too capable to consider assisted living.
I am remined of a one of the ten commandments: "honor thy father and mother that it may be well with thee and thou mayest live long upon the earth." This does not say one has to like or love his mother-in-law, but it does say we are to honor our parents (and I would assume that includes mothers-in-law. )
Being nearly 83 years old myself and quite adequately functional, I am nevertheless quite aware of my aging and becoming less capable in a number of activity areas, and of course slowly-deteriorating health in some respects.
I would like to add something that some people don't think about. If you had a good, loving relationship with your parents, then by all means do whatever you can for them to the best of your ability - but not at the cost of destroying yourself or your life. They lived their lives, now it is your turn. If on the other hand the parents were cold, mean, controlling, abusive, etc., then YOU OWE THEM NOTHING - And if you are stupid enough to think you do, you are a fool.
Mental and emotional abuse is just that...ABUSE. Just as real, just as destructive, as physical abuse. You say that if your husband wasn't being verbally abusive to your Mom, he would be doing it to you. Having an elderly parent living with you can be very difficult and trying to the marital home. But, your husband needs to get counseling. Where does all this anger come from? Are there other factors contributing to this behavior? I would suggest that you move your Mom out of this situation, so that she is not being abused emotionally. And, above all, do what you need to take care of yourself. God bless you all.
"Just as real, just as destructive, as physical abuse." - In many ways I actually consider mental/emotional abuse MORE destructive because no one can see the bruises/breaks. Unless others witness the behavior of the abuser, it is hard for others to know there is a problem. It is insidious.... even minimal emotional abuse can take a toll as it continues at a low but constant level.
It's difficult having another person around, especially when one has managed to get his own way, be in control, and do things his own way. Anger management is in order. He is maybe lashing out to cover for his frustrations and fears of having his life interupted by another person who he cannot control. See if he can voice these feelings calmly to you and even to her. She is doing great at her age, so can probably have some compassion for him, but it is awful to feel not wanted. I would cry too.
Wow, sad situation but I can speak from observation and experience. All of my life which was very hard and difficult and sad, I always reached out to other people and helped them (and animals) in any way I could. I ask nothing in turn, I loved being a giver and I continued this until a few years ago when, due to an old spinal injury, I could no longer walk and had to go into assisted living. When I got there, I was absolutely horrified and shocked what assisted living was - it was not the place where I thought older people went to for companionship, communal dining, activities, etc. It is where the "misfits" of society are put when they can no longer be capable of being home or the families don't want to and can't take care of them. They are all very feeble and almost all have dementia and constantly repeat the same things and certainly are incapable of carrying on an intelligent adult conversation. After a while, and I do feel sorry for them - but I did not make them that way and can't fix them - this really started getting on my nerves because I am of an extremely high functioning mental level. I have two jobs (50 years and l4 years both of which I love and will continue to work at until I pass), drive, go out to eat alone, have lots of hobbies and interests and take care of myself 99.9%. I am embarrassed to say it but I can't stand being in this type of an environment and the anger and resentment that I had to give up my home because I am now a crippled misfit just infuriates me. So I am polite and always pleasant to everyone but I stay by myself so I don't have contact. That has helped me keep my sanity. As to your husband, perhaps he is totally lacking compassion and empathy and can't or won't show kindness. I am not sure if that is who he is or if the "surroundings" (your mother and her behavior or things she does) are pushing him over the edge. Some people for whatever reason simply can't cope with things that are not "normal" as they understand them. Only you are in a position to judge that as you know your husband. First I would tell him that you will not, under any circumstances allow him to be mean to your mother. Second, if your marriage and family situation are being very negatively affected by your mother, then you must put yourself first - it is your turn now - and possibly consider placing her in a facility or home where she is safe and cared for. I truly do NOT see hopes of both of them living under the same room unless there is some method for a major separation of the living and contact areas. And stress to your man, that this treatment by him of your mother is damaging the relationship between the two of you. Last but not least, is you husband worth "keeping" if he is a bully and mean? I'd give that some deep thought.
My mom has recently moved into AL. You talk about your furious about losing your home, could someone/something different happen? I struggle with this everyday.
If It's still Happening, You have Enabled it as Long as it Took to Write Here, dear...There is Not much to Do except to talk to Mom about a Monster You Created.:((xx
Spouse apparently wants to hire a maid. Gees. Does he not have a mother of his own? Apparently she did not teach compassion. Maybe the source of his frustration is really another issue and this is just easy to pick on.
If it's not a mental issue with the "Spouse's" husband, maybe he has simply never learned that life goes better if you "pick your battles". Perhaps the MIL has a few annoying quirks about the way she does certain things, but maybe he could overlook them, prevent them from happening (such as, for example, not providing his white clothes if she turns them red), or just redo whatever it is she does "wrong". Some things are not worth fighting about, and over time one generally learns what upsets another person. I assume it would be easier for him to adjust his attitude than for his MIL to change what she is doing.
Hes being self centered. Show him my post. My 90 year old mom stays with us 2 -3 days a week. Shes gets up every 2 hours all night disturbing us, is incontinent, messes herself occasionally, cant cook, clean, do anything for herself. She repeats the same thing over and over and over. He is very blessed your mom is active and able. It could be much worse.
Every time I go to my support group for adult kids of those with dementia, I am reminded of my blessings in spite of the frustrations I encounter on the home front. Bless you for all you do...interrupted sleep is very hard and challenging, let alone personal care and odors and messing up furniture...
Well, to me, your user name says it all "SpouseofGrumpy." Seems like maybe hubby has a personality issue. You say if she wasn't there, he'd be picking on you. Yeah, I think the problem lies with him. That said, it IS tough to live with an elderly parent. I did it for 5 years AFTER I divorced my grumpy hubby. Living with her was only slightly less stressful than living with him. I can't even imagine living with both of them. This is not an ideal situation for anyone, especially you. Do something I'll bet you don't often do - consider your own needs and feelings, maybe talk with a counselor. Change this situation before it defeats you.
When I was in my late teens my parents moved my newly-widowed, able-bodied, 81-year-old grandmother in with us because "they didn't think she would live too much longer". She lived to age 96. Resentment built over the years and even though I had moved out, I was dragged into a role of marriage counselor more than once. Grandma died in 2001 but my parents' marriage has never been the same and they carried anger/resentment over it all into their own old age. It's not been nice. I could see both sides but frankly I believe everyone in the situation would have been better off long-term if grandma would have been prompted to get her own senior apartment, or something like that.
Emelie, we don't even know what the spouse *said* to the mother.
Unconscionable bullying, incredibly disrespectful, no excuse for being mean - how do you know? Clearly there does need to be better understanding between the two of them, at least; but for me it's a bit of a leap to assume that he must be a cruel villain.
He sounds like somewhat of a bully. That is pretty mean - to make an elderly woman cry! Your mom sounds like she's doing great. IT'S hard when they move in but it could be a lot worse. My mom has some weird ways of doing things - but it's not life-threatening and I've learned to just let her be. Geez she's 92 and she probably won't be here too much longer. So I try and let her do things her way - not always easy but saves a lot of heartache and bad feelings.
You mentioned that he would pick on you if she were not there. Has he done that in the past or is this a new behavior for him? If so that can be an indication that he might have a problem. If it is not a new behavior for him then I would put him in the "bully" category if not an an "abuser" category. Although in my mind there is no real difference. If this is not a new behavior have you or can you talk to someone? If it is a new behavior you should discuss it with him as well as his doctor.
What was the discussion prior to your Mom moving in. Was this going to be temporary? How did he feel about it was he reluctant or willing? If reluctant this attitude has probably been festering since day 1. If he was willing what has changed? Did he want to travel with you but now you don't want to because Mom is there? Or is it simply he wants to sit in the LazyBoy in his boxers and watch TV and he can't cuz Mom's there?
But time to tell him that you are not going to put up with the abuse. Stop and be respectful to both you and your Mother. If he continues to do so you can leave the room, take Mom with you. Unless you want to issue the ultimatum where if he does not stop either he leaves or you leave. (before you do that you MUST consult a lawyer) And I have to stress I HATE ultimatums.
One last thought can you make your house or part of your house more like an "In-Law suite" so Mom can have her space and you have your space?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
But when I hear selfish self centered so called Ioving sons and daughters bitch and throw a fit because their parent that by the raised us and they smelled our shit, tripped over toys, cleaned up our messes, put up with back talk, anybody could go on and on with that sinaro. They put up with ALOT taught us and etc. This older generation didn't get to sign up for what is happening to them. Im not going to say I'm offened because dear god, who isn'tisn't? I am "pissed off. Wanna know why?? I have 2 brothers that do not call, their f*****g lives are so important god knows they want to "live their lives and of course both my parents would want them to. But they seem to forget one important factor: to return a measly phone call once a week for 10 minutes.
However, if he were local, I don't think he would be there often - the last time he was in the area to help clean out condo (she is in MC), we went to visit the day he arrived (I moved off to let them schmooze - he IS the golden boy and gets quite the greeting!) then I encouraged another visit on his own, which he did, for a short visit. Thereafter he refused to go again, stating he didn't know what to do with her... And both of YOU boys wanted to take her in when you found out how much AL cost!
The other, never mind that I don't think he visits mom, he doesn't even respond to my text messages (mostly benign messages - requesting recpts for deductions on sale of condo, which would include reimbursing him, or letting him know of any special occasions come up at the facility.) Not even a request to just say I'm still alive.
So, yeah, there are many of them out there. I get to handle/manage everything else, which sucks up a lot of time, but someone has to do it and it likely won't be them! I try not to think what will happen if something happens to me!
Also, from OP's comment, husband would pick on her if mom wasn't there. This sounds like a personal problem of HIS, not OP or her mom.
Rather than lash out at someone else's situation, perhaps you need to regroup and handle your own. DON'T enable MIL to push you around. DON'T pick up after her. Get out and do for yourself, let hubby take care of his mom, if he thinks it best she live with you. If you allow either or both of them to take advantage of you or the situation, YOU need to change, as you will not be able to change how others behave.
As you may see from the many questions posed, there is not enough information about your situation to offer a real solution to your dilemma, and a dilemma it is indeed. It is incredibly difficult to be stuck in the middle between two people you love, and that is exactly where you are :(
Maybe grumpy is just your fellas way in the world, or maybe this situation has brought this part of his personality to the fore... hard to say. What I can say confidently, is that it can be pretty tough to be where you are - but it is also tough to be where he is.
I have personal experience here. Suddenly your space has gone from a world governed by two adults, to one whose schedule and agenda is dictated (consciously or not) by a parent’s presence. For many of us, it has been literally decades since we shared our ‘space’ with a mom or a dad.
Suddenly, our wife is also a daughter, with all the baggage and scripts that entails. We become the person ‘in the way’ of a powerful mother daughter dynamic - no matter whether it is positive or negative - and those roles may not jibe well with our long-standing ‘husband/wife’ groove. It’s a complicated situation, a target rich environment for emotional charge and subsurface stress and resentment. No surprise that those issues are bubbling to the surface.
As a family therapist, and the spouse of a caregiver dealing with a love-in MIL, my suggestion would be this: blame is irrelevant and unhelpful - understanding and live, is key. Find somewhere you and your spouse can listen, and really hear, one another. Some respite time, a friend’s comfy living room, or if need be, a therapists office might work.
Sometimes the loss of (and subsequent grief over) the ‘we’ you two used to be, of the partners you both built your life with, can be like a constant pain - as onerous as nails on a chalkboard, day in, day out. Expressing it, and feeling it directly, can be a release valve that can drain away all that resentment and irritation. That way, it doesn’t have to come out side-ways. It was like that for us.
I was so sad about my home and partner - my ‘safe haven’ feeling lost, and missing the woman I knew and loved - it floored me when I realized just how much. When I did, my resentment of having my SO’s mom around, which had gotten pretty burdensome, became not only something much bearable, but something we could bear together.
Of course, it goes without saying that abusive behavior is never ok - no amount of hurt feelings justifies that choice. That said, most people don’t WANT to be grumpy... I’m not sure if this is what’s going on for you both, but maybe it is. Talking , formally or informally, might just be the antidote.
Wishing the three of you well,
-Andy
THEN when you see him actually DOING that, give him a little indication that you've made note and that you admire him.
It seems obvious to me that your husband would be happier if she was not there.
However, she IS there and functioning well. I have a hunch she is much too capable to consider assisted living.
I am remined of a one of the ten commandments: "honor thy father and mother that it may be well with thee and thou mayest live long upon the earth." This does not say one has to like or love his mother-in-law, but it does say we are to honor our parents (and I would assume that includes mothers-in-law. )
Being nearly 83 years old myself and quite adequately functional, I am nevertheless quite aware of my aging and becoming less capable in a number of activity areas, and of course slowly-deteriorating health in some respects.
Grace + Peace,
Old Bob in North Carolina
This husband sounds like that kind of person.
Unconscionable bullying, incredibly disrespectful, no excuse for being mean - how do you know? Clearly there does need to be better understanding between the two of them, at least; but for me it's a bit of a leap to assume that he must be a cruel villain.
Has he done that in the past or is this a new behavior for him? If so that can be an indication that he might have a problem.
If it is not a new behavior for him then I would put him in the "bully" category if not an an "abuser" category. Although in my mind there is no real difference.
If this is not a new behavior have you or can you talk to someone?
If it is a new behavior you should discuss it with him as well as his doctor.
What was the discussion prior to your Mom moving in. Was this going to be temporary? How did he feel about it was he reluctant or willing? If reluctant this attitude has probably been festering since day 1. If he was willing what has changed? Did he want to travel with you but now you don't want to because Mom is there? Or is it simply he wants to sit in the LazyBoy in his boxers and watch TV and he can't cuz Mom's there?
But time to tell him that you are not going to put up with the abuse. Stop and be respectful to both you and your Mother. If he continues to do so you can leave the room, take Mom with you.
Unless you want to issue the ultimatum where if he does not stop either he leaves or you leave. (before you do that you MUST consult a lawyer) And I have to stress I HATE ultimatums.
One last thought can you make your house or part of your house more like an "In-Law suite" so Mom can have her space and you have your space?