My niece is my sister's guardian and has control of my sister's phone. She recently changed her mother's phone number and changed my brother's phone number on the phone. Both get wrong numbers when they try to call each other and the calls go to voice mail. Both have memory problems and my niece felt that my brother was making my sister harder to control by his calls. The are siblings and love each other and know the other has memory problems. They are upset because they cannot reach each other and call me to ask if I have heard from them and if they are OK. They want me to relay a message to have them call. I know why they cannot contact each other and think what my niece has done is wrong, but am not sure I should interfere by giving either one of them the other's number. My niece would know it was me and could cut me off from my sister. Then my sister would be isolated from our family entirely and none of us could contact her. It breaks my heart when one of them calls me concerned about the other and wondering why the other doesn't return their calls.
There is nothing you can/should do other than to discuss this with the Niece. She is doing what she thinks is best for her Mom's own welfare, and because the constant calls are upsetting the mom. Given that you are now the one upset by the calls, it may give you some perspective.
I would call and I would PREFACE anything else you say with "I understand the mental issues involved, and I understand that you are doing what you think is best by blocking phone calls. I understand you are trying to protect your Mom. But these siblings have only a limited time now, and this is just breaking my heart. I am hearing from them and they are lost, and confused, and cannot understand this. Is there ANYTHING else that we can try? Can we try limiting calls or something? I know you feel at a loss, and I do as well, and this is breaking my heart."
I am suggesting you throw yourself upon her mercy because honestly it is the only thing that may work at all. But I doubt very much, if what the niece says is true, that she will endanger her mom by subjecting her to upsetting calls. I wouldn't, myself.
I am so very sorry. I hope this doesn't fall under "not everything can be fixed". I sure wish you luck and hope you'll update us.
I like this approach as it will not be offensive to her niece. She would be inquiring if something could be done rather than accusing her of destroying the relationship.
I’m sorry that you are caught in the middle of this awkward situation. No one likes to be in this position.
I don’t know what you can do about it, other than discussing it further with your niece.
Do they live close to each other? If so would SUPERVISED visits be possible? Is that something that you could discuss with your niece?
I think it would be worth a try.
Actually, my sister was unhappy with her living conditions and losing control, and was "venting" to my brother. He, with limited knowledge and mental resources, tried to help by giving her "unreasonable" suggestions (call the police, go to the bank, etc.), so this was causing disruption (all of which my niece took personally). My sister has since moved into senior housing while awaiting AL and is much happier and accepting of what has happened to her and that my niece is in control. My niece feels it's because her mother is no longer talking to my brother.
My niece is disruptive between the three of us and seems to have no concept of the aging process or dementia. She thinks that her mother is in possession of her faculties (although she has been diagnosed with dementia and stroke) and that my sister understands the ramifications of everything she does. She will not accept that confabulation is not lying, for instance, since my sister has lied about everything most of her life. I believe she can no longer tell the difference. So my niece calls her a liar to her face and to me, and it goes on from there. I suggested that my niece join a group like this one to get a better perspective on what is happening to her mother, but instead she stopped talking to me.
So, I will take your advice and do nothing for the time being. However, this can't go on. They are each other's favorite. If one of them should pass, it would be devastating to the survivor (and to me, since I could do something and didn't) for them not to have had any communication before something happened.
If your brother is upsetting your sister than I can see the nieces point. She has to deal with the aftermath. Caregiving is hard enough without someone giving their opinions and not knowing what is really going on.
If your sister was a lifetime liar (its a sickness my MIL suffered from) then I can see why your niece reacts the way does. But as you say Dementia is in the picture now. My BIL said my MIL ended up believing what she said. Your niece needs to understand that her mothers reality is also the TV and dreams. The brain can no longer tell the difference.