How can I stop 16 family members from visiting my 90 year old parent? I’ve explained that he is not able to tolerate noise and a lot of talking bc he lives alone. None of them understand and think it will be a great family reunion. Dad has said I can’t have that many in my house at once. They just don’t get it and say they are going and staying with him no matter what. What can I do?
You have to be the advocate for your father and do what he wants to the best of your ability. Many great ideas posted here. Be strong and keep him first in your actions to protect him.
Buck up .
Speak to everyone on zoom if possible , or the ringleader. Ask them if they want him to die . Point blank ask them if endangering him is worth the visit , or would they like him to live out the natural span of his life .
Tell them they're endangering him and though it's understandable they want to see him as he's elderly , seeing him may remove him from their lives prematurely .
See if they will then compromise with a reunion in a park or beach , somewhere open air where he can see them without close contact. If they object , ask again : do you want him to die ?
Grind it in , don't be afraid . Let them know that though it is hard not to see their loved one , staying away or seeing him in groups of two from a distance is showing love the best .
Tell them you didn't work this hard to keep him safe to have it all fall to pieces now .
Explain to them that if they love him , they will stay in a hotel so he is safe .
Explain to them that if they love him they WILL wear masks and respect your fears about this VERY serious pandemic and the effect it has on the elderly.
" I know you love dad so I know you understand my concerns , right ? " manipulate their behinds .
I had to do this to a relative who hadn't seen my grandmother in 12 years and wanted to pop by after coming from the US. She showed up and the first thing she said was " I can't wait to hug her " oh ? I made her stand in the yard outside mamas bedroom window and mama had no damn idea who she was . Monica called me paranoid , butter wouldn't melt in my mouth , honey. I said " I'd rather be paranoid and have mama safe with me for longer than careless and watch her suffer and die " That shut her up . It was worth it .
Keep at it , a calm tone of voice always , no shouting : if you love him...do you want him safe ....find out how many elderly people have died in your region from covid and have that stat ready . This shows you've done research and that you're not talking out of your @$$.
Always calm , insistent by being firm .
If this doesn't work then they don't give a d*** about him and you should take him far away on a drive on the day they say they're arriving, Either to your home and lock up or book a hotel and don't look back until they're gone.
Good luck .
By the way , this makes me so angry in your behalf my heart is racing . I know how you feel . Stay strong and safe . Much love.
L
Likely, this planning discussion should lead you in the direction of hotels and accommodations where the whole group can stay. What they really want is to have a big family reunion and that’s a good thing. The vaccinated people should be allowed to visit him in small groups in his own home or even take him to the hotel for a short visit if he so desires. If this is the direction your conversation takes you, you can hold off mentioning your intention to go out of town and regulate the family’s access to your dad while they are there.
They aren’t listening, and dealing with them at the door will be very difficult if you can’t open it at all. The only alternative might well be calling the police, which is not going to be at all nice for anyone, including Dad.
I think Beatty is remembering a suggestion I made once before: put someone in charge of organising the rabble, with the responsibility to enforce it. Still worth a try.
If they are coming from all-over, yes it might be a nice reunion for them, as well as a chance for a few at a time to see Dad. My far-flung sisters and I had an enjoyable reunion bed-side to mother in hospital - which sounds awful but it was a quick problem with an immediate recovery and she was feeling OK. Ask the organiser to set up a proper reunion somewhere suitable, which does NOT include Dad's house.
Advise that visitors from farther away could stay in hotels or camp in the garden. Perhaps borrow or hire some gazebos for shade etc. Visitors are responsible for their own catering arrangements.
It can work but boundaries have to be presented clearly and stuck to.
This is grossly selfish and ignorant of the needs of an gentleman of his years by those concerned. Personally I would be very willing to have them removed by the police if they turned up and it was distressing him as a case of elder abuse. You will no doubt end up in the wrong with family but you never will be, you will be carrying out his wishes and what he can cope with.
Of course he could consider going to a facility for a period of respite when then are due to visit and numbers will be controlled by the facility. Dad gets peace and something he can deal with and they can stay in his house and do some odd jobs / chores ready for his return........
Option 2: Work with them so dad has his getaway space while they’re visiting.
You're presenting a scenario that feels like there’s another side to this story.
Why do all 16 want to come at once? Are they afraid this will be their last time? Is there a history of family reunions? Do they have plans to keep the commotion down? It’s not like most houses accommodate 16 guests, so are they planning to stay in a hotel and visit dad in small hellos)?
Mostly, why are 16 family members willing to defy and upset dad … unless he never told them no.
I'm so fed up with people who act like Grandma and Grandpa are the way they always were, and if they aren't, they'll just perk up once they're blessed with a visit from the clueless ones.
The fact that they're willing to risk killing him is beyond the pale.
If you lay down the law in no uncertain terms and still think you'll be ignored, I suggest you get Dad out of the house before the pests intend to descend upon him and take him to your house for a short time. What they're proposing is tantamount to attempted murder as far as I'm concerned.
Why not recommend a hotel that you could rent meeting room? Cater a lunch and everyone can spread out to eat and visit. They get to see dad and he can go to room and lay down or seclude if all the people become too overwhelming. Just tell them this arrangement will be easier for him than to be closed up in a house with 16-18 -20 people. I mean, does he have a house big enough to sleep that many people?? If they really go through with it, I'd be there to remove him from the big gathering and put him in his room w/door closed for privacy. Get his room set up so he can watch tv, read or whatever he usually does in the living room. If he won't tell them no - not much you can do about it...EXCEPT...for the covid precautions. I would demand those if you are the caretaker. He doesn't need to catch it and you don't either. Ask all of them who will be stepping up to see him ALL the way through an illness like that if they happen to bring it with them.
So my advise is grab your daddy and head out of town the weekend they are coming. Don't tell them. Just do it. Sending you strength to combat those idiots.
Didn't visit when able to (unthinking) but "oh look at me I'm the most caring loving person to visit the sick" (ego booster) but then turns up against other people's wishes (selfish +++).
I had this before when recovering. I said no to in-person visitors (txt updates were sent). Relative says But I HAVE to come I HAVE to see you are OK. I explained very nicely - no. She appeals to her flying monkeys.. they all join in "you'll hurt her feelings.. she needs to come... she worries...".
Why do these people think THEIR wish to visit overrules the actual patient's wishes???
Said No on phone (ignored), put No Visitor sign on door (ignored). Door bell rings (we ignored) then knocking on & on. DH made an excellent doorman. We saw the true colours that day - colour *narcissist*.
You may choose to pretend nobody is home and have the blinds drawn and then not answer the phone. You may make the hand gesture that seems most appropriate from behind the front window. You may post a nice note on the door saying you'll be meeting them at X park or Y restaurant at Z time, or if you don't feel like entertaining people who can't apparently listen or think then don't. You have the right to call the police to have them moved along if they're causing a public nuisance on the porch.
I think I’d put together an email since there are so many of them and state very clearly that your dad will not be receiving visitors at home. End the email with something like, “This decision is based solely out of concern for my dad’s wellbeing and his peace of mind. It is also his request. I’m sure you want to show him the same respect and not shake him up with a visit he is unable to deal with.”
Thanks for your response to my posting.
I truly do feel as if their interests in your dad is really about themselves. If they were sincere about your father’s interests, they certainly wouldn’t want to impose on him. They would also apologize for their behavior. Your dad doesn’t owe them any accommodations. .
Your dad should be able to feel as if his home is his safe haven. Could it be that they wish to take advantage of your dad because they don’t see the need to pay for a hotel room? If a person can’t afford to pay for a hotel they should stay home. Even worse, are people who have plenty of money and are cheap and don’t care if they are an imposition on others.
No matter what the situation is, they shouldn’t be putting your dad on the spot like they are. Everyone has annoying relatives. I am sorry that your relatives are so insensitive.
Wishing you and your dad all the best.
Well, they wanted to do it again but this time brother put his foot down and said NO. If they came, they would have to find other accomodations. Why? Because Moms septic system could not take that many people. And it was true not an excuse.
I don't see why your family thinks they can bombard a 90 yr old. The elderly do not enjoy this type of thing. A suggestion would be to let Dad stay with you and take him over to visit. When he has had enough, he can call you to pick him up.
I hope these people realize they are on their own. Dad nor you will be doing the cooking. So, they will need to feed and prepare meals themselves. They should leave Dads house clean. Dad can't do it and its not your job. Make it hard for them, not easy. Maybe it will deter them from doing it again.
Even after moms stroke it took time for her to have more people in with her and we had to work our way up to a few but that is far too many. I can feel how anxious he is already and feel awful for Him and you. I am hoping there is a way that the doctor can help and guide you - even a social worker (maybe the dr can put in a request). Praying for a good resolution for you all.
Present a united front, together, you and dad, to your siblings and put your feet down HARD. If they wind up coming anyway, don't answer the front door when they knock. Tell them, from the window, that you thought you made yourselves perfectly clear when you told them over the phone that they could NOT COME to dad's house for a visit.
No is a complete sentence. It's high time they understand the meaning of it.
Has HE told them no? Or do you have to be the one to do it? Would they listen to HIM?
Here's an idea -- if dad is vaxxed (and you, too), consider having him come stay with you during their time in town (that is, if they are still going to come). And if they come to your house and become abusive (knocking, banging on doors and won't give up), then call the police.
My final act would be to take your dad to an attorney and have him change his will to cut all of them out of it.
Some people are better to be out of one's life altogether.