My siblings and 14 of their kids want to visit my 90 year old dad all at once. He can’t tolerate that much noise. How can I stop it?

Savingmom,
Have any of our suggestions helped? Did Dad receive these visitors?

With the new strain of virus going around, no one should be visiting anyone unless all are vaccinated. My state is back to masks. Children will be wearing them in schools as will the teachers. Businesses are putting signs back up that masks are needed to enter.

They are staying with him no matter what? Were they invited, by him? How would this many people invite themselves to an elderly persons' house?

He said no. That's that.

Does he want to see them? If so is there some sort of alternative way to do this? How old are these children, because young children really can't control their noise level. Maybe only the over 12 or 13 yo's should be allowed to visit, if they even want to?

What does DAD want?

Is it possible that the Ring Leader of this invasion is mostly just trying to get on YOUR nerves? They know how protective you are, they know your stance on vaccines, and they and the other 15 disease vectors have nothing better to do but torment you and a 90 year old person? Shame on them!

The best advice I’ve seen on this thread is to not be home. But DON’T warn them in advance.

The next time you hear from RL, reiterate the extreme inconvenience and health risks of their visit but get specifics on when they plan to arrive. Simultaneously, make plans to stay with a trusted friend or at a hotel. Then, on the visit date, don’t answer your phone. Leave a note on the door: “No one’s home. We told you not to come.”

I had a similar issue with my family too. But all that talk and no one actually showed up. Lol. I said we not having visitors or allowing anyone in the house. Siblings got mad at me cursed me out blah blah blah....
My parent has ALZ. So it didnt matter to me what anybody said. Turns out 1 person came un-announced then 2 months later another family member came un-announced. I was nice and let them come in but that was it. No one went into the bedroom. Or past a few feet from the door.
Before Covid we were only allowing 2 people at a time and only 5 or 10 minutes. But not anymore.
I would suggest not to let anyone come visit at all. Find another way. There is Zoom, GoogleMeet, WhatsApp or Google Duo.
Stand your ground and keep caring for your parent.

I would have them go see him for short talks and then have them go somewhere else to entertain themselves. He is in no position to entertain them and tell them that.

I just had my 90th birthday and it was wonderful. I received flowers from three relatives and friends and cards galore. I always send cards to people, especially in these times. Let the family stay at home, write lovely cards to dad, perhaps one or two phone calls to say, "we love you" and blessings. That would be so welcome and considerate of his wishes and certainly of his health.

My dear mother in her nineties lived in a small apartment with my sister who prepared meals and generally helped out. A grand daughter brought her big dog, a Boxer to see the grandmas and stayed there over night and so did the dog.
My mother did not have the heart to say anything to her but I did. How thoughtless and insulting some relatives can be. I had to tell her not to come to my home and do not bring her animals.

Is the visit over yet?

They are oblivious to what is good for your Dad.....only what is good for them. I wouldn't want 16 any people, visiting me all at once.

I suggest a 'ZOOM REUNION'.

Just say "No". Firmly.

With COVID on the rise again I would not let this happen. Your dad has made it clear that he does not want all these people coming to visit. It would be disrespectful for family to do so. Instead arrange a zoom meeting & keep it short. As much as my dad loved his grandchildren he didn't enjoy them visiting because they were loud & they interpreted it as he doesn't want me here. He can lock his door & not let anyone in if they decide to come anyway.

My reply is not to try to persuade you to do different. In fact I would plead COVID as well. It is too dangerous not only for your dad but for all the family. Not the lasting legacy he would choose to leave.

My suggestion is to Offer an alternative. Wait.
Wait for dads BD or a holiday and after COVID has been beaten back. Let it be all about Dad with some planning.

My mom at 90 was given two huge parties. She knew about it in advance and while she was shocked and amazed that so many wanted to gather for her, she thoroughly enjoyed the parties and the memories and the 90+ cards she enjoyed looking through along with the photos for years to come.

I also gave my DH aunt a large party at 90. Aunt loved the party and all that went with it. I was supportive of the parties and to use some of the terms listed here on this thread, I was the ring leader for both elders events.

The parties for my mom were not held at her home. Aunt’s party was held at her home. Her already 90 year old first cousin and cousin's daughter traveled from a state away and took her to mass the next morning and then to a gambling casino that afternoon. This was the day after the party. She absolutely loved it all. It took her a week to recover. As she said, what else do I have to do.
My mom even said she wanted such a party every year after the 90th. We always gave each of these matriarchs a party for birthday and Christmas, sometimes Easter and always Thanksgiving there would be a gathering. But not on as large a scale.

When my mom reached 95 we decided to have another party slightly expanded from immediate family. It was NOT a happy occasion for her or me. She refused to come and only the persuasion of a special GD got her to the party. Again she enjoyed it in retrospect but there was a disconnect between her and her descendants that was growing. We cut the 96th back even more. I can’t remember anything significant that was going on but it was a success. But at the 97th there was a melt down. I asked her if she wanted a half anxiety tablet. She said, better give me the whole pill. She would have passed on the whole thing. I’m so glad we didn’t. It has taken me 6 years to be able to place her initial reaction and that party in perspective. She ended up enjoying it very much and I hold that memory close when I look back over all the sacrifices I made in my own life to give meaning to her last years.
My parents had birthdays and birth years two days and two years apart in the spring so it was always a nice time for the family to gather to honor them. After my mom passed the fall of her 97th year, we continued the tradition of having a family reunion on the occasion of their births until the COVID. We have now missed two years. Maybe we can gather again next year. Hopefully the Covid will have receded enough to do so.
So try to understand that it is a honor to your father and a blessing for him and them to have an opportunity to gather but not at this time under these circumstances. Perhaps the 14 plus can gather and have a photo made to send to GP with all their love. Perhaps GP can record a video on your cell phone wishing them all well and thanking them for wanting to visit and agreeing to wait until the danger has passed. It will be something they can look back on in their futures when some of the current madness has passed. They can realize how wise their GP was and and be amazed that they have lived to tell of living through the great pandemic of the 2000s.

SavingMom2014: It is IMPERATIVE that these 16 individuals do not go to visit your dad. You can say that your state's governor (or if you live out of the country, that particular country's jurisdiction leader) has ordered protocol for the Novel Coronavirus and it must be obeyed, especially since the Delta Variant is "spreading like wildfire," to quote my state of Maryland's Governor Larry Hogan.

I know of very few houses that can accomodate 16 guests, even without a sensitive elder who wants peace and quiet. If the sibs and children want a family reunion they should rent hotel space for it. It is beyond rude to insist on the use of another person's home without an invitation. If they care at all for your father, they should be willing to listen to him if he asks them not to come. If he asks them and they insist they will come in spite of that you might want to see what legal steps can be taken. Just be aware that making a move like that will probably divide your family forever.

Tell them flat out that your Dad said No.
Tell them they are welcome to stay in a motel and come visit for an hour a few at a time.

Tell them that you will abide by Dad's wishes and if they show up anyway, you will not open the door.

Tell them that's too many people staying at anyone's house, especially a Senior that is use to quietness.

Your siblings are crazy thinking with everything that is is going on with Covid now. They are putting your father at extreme risk. Your dad needs to speak up and tell them only one or two at a time or not at all. Your siblings are selfish and not thinking of your father. Something needs to be done about this craziness. I wonder if Elder Protective Services could help or an elder attorney if they continue to refuse.

Merely inform them that if they all come at once they had better have hotel reservations. Then make arrangements for them to visit one at a time.

If they insist on coming all at once inform them the police will be called for trespassing and elder abuse. Stand your ground.

Tell them that people who are not vaccinated cannot come into Dad’s house. Any vaccinated people may visit but no as overnight guests. I wouldn’t even subject Dad to a crowd of unvaccinated people in a restaurant. They are a selfish ignorant bunch to even thing of visiting without being vaccinated.

Just say no. Tell them the truth: that is too hard on him and he needs his space to be relaxing and calm.

Instead, circulate a sign up genius where the adults can each sign up, one at a time, to spend quality time with their grandad. They can take him to doctor’s appointments, deep clean his place, cook for him, plant a Spring garden, put up his holiday decorations, make needed home repairs, etc.

if they have young children, the visits need to be short. Let him enjoy the kids without too much confusion. Then they can get a babysitter for their kids and come back and help.

if they want to have a raucous family reunion, they can do it somewhere else.

There is a thread here that is the exact opposite. Maybe that OP's dad can "adopt" these 16 family members and they can get in touch with him.

Difficult family members who refuse to listen to reason creates an unsafe emotionally environment. Whether family is vaccinated or not, the fact of the matter is you Dad doesn't want this type of interaction.
While this may seem a bit rude, you need to advocate for your dad and say, listen, he has said he can't handle the noise and confusion and if you can't understand that, I will get a court order to prevent you all from being able to visit all at once.
You could also try a zoom type thing. Cut it off after 15 minutes.
Hire an attorney to advocate why it isn't a good idea for everyone to converge on the aged all at once.
With COVID-19 I can't believe the family is so self centered and has no regard to your dad health.
Do they have keys to dads house? If no, don't open door and call police for them disturbing his peace and quiet if the come and knock continually.
If they do have a key, change the lock, and follow above advise.
So sorry you are dealing with such family problems.
Tare care of dad and yourself

They are reckless people. Thinking of themselves before their father. My own mother lived to be 99 because we really cared for her. No vaccines? This is so selfish it is beyond the pale.

Dad says No. That is the answer. Tell them to have a reunion at their own expense in a restaurant and at a schedule time allow a few at a time in the house. If they don't understand, then they are not worth it.

COVID danger alone should be enough to ban any family gathering right now, even outdoors.

Are they all nuts or just reckless?

Aside from COVID as a reason for caution, your Dad does not like the chaos of lots of people. Many of us do not. People and social interactions, even if they are family, are extremely agitating and exhausting for quiet personalities.

A gathering is just all-around a Terrible Idea.

I must have missed where you said that no one is vaccinated? Would this most likely be the last time the entire family ever gets together or is your dad in relatively good health at 90? You said they will be "staying"....does this mean overnight or just for a few hours or the day? Is there a way to keep your Dad in a separate, quiet room while family goes in (socially distanced) a few at a time to see him while the rest of the family gathers outside or in another room? Even during Covid, my belief is that family can safely say goodbye in person vaccinated or not. Too many people have been permanently scarred emotionally because they were not allowed to see their loved ones before they died during lockdown. And too many people died alone and without being able to say goodbye to loved ones. I guess my answer would depend on your Dad's current health and life expectancy. Also....is family coming from different states or is everyone local?

Get an advocate and ask the advocate to talk to Dad and Sibs about it.

I would move the gathering outside. Especially with covid. Vaccinated or not no hugs. This is how we handle visiting family right now. If dad gets tired he can go inside. The only time anyone goes in the house is for bathroom use.

Why do I think that is a couple of grifters looking to create some chaos while they strip grandad's home of valuables and steal the will?

If nothing else, I would remove anything valuable and/or confidential to some other secure location.

Good grief!!! No! Family cannot come stay with Dad. He has told them. "No!". Does he need to hire a Security Detail to keep them out if they show up at the door???
Everyone here is on Dad's side saying "No!," but how can he enforce the "No? "
Too bad we cannot all show up and surround his house with a three-deep circle of Outraged Care Givers to protect his peace and privacy.
Your oblivious family is making me angry.