My siblings and 14 of their kids want to visit my 90 year old dad all at once. He can’t tolerate that much noise. How can I stop it?

Can your father write a note to them telling them he would like to see them but in small groups, as he cannot follow conversations of multiple people and he doesn't want people staying in this house. If so get him to write letters to each adult concerned and send them for him. If he can't do it himself ask him if her would ask him if he would like you to do so, print them off and and he can sign them.
This is grossly selfish and ignorant of the needs of an gentleman of his years by those concerned. Personally I would be very willing to have them removed by the police if they turned up and it was distressing him as a case of elder abuse. You will no doubt end up in the wrong with family but you never will be, you will be carrying out his wishes and what he can cope with.
Of course he could consider going to a facility for a period of respite when then are due to visit and numbers will be controlled by the facility. Dad gets peace and something he can deal with and they can stay in his house and do some odd jobs / chores ready for his return........

I love the idea of taking Dad to a quiet place..someone else's home or a lovely hotel while they visit and perhaps then take him to see the large family for a short visit then remove him from the noise. At 70 I find large parties a bit overwhelming after living alone and retired for 5 years. OR someone just say NO.as my moms POA I told everyone..2 people at a time only……it is his home and he can not tolerate the disruption. If he has any cognitive decline it is recommended two people at a time for visits..with Dementia patients they recommend 2 people and only 30 minutes of a visit! Good Luck…a challenging problem indeed…

I remember as a child going to visit my grandmother who had my great grandmother living with her. We were a rambunctious bunch! There were strict boundaries and we had no problem complying. Dede had “her” sitting room. We were not allowed in without an invite and an adult present. Time with Dede was restricted even though we loved to be with her. When we were in the room with her we had to use soft voices and sit or move quietly. And we she had had enough she could give a quiet signal to the adult and we would have to leave whether we were ready or not. Visitors were spaced out to give her a rest. She had a glass door so she could watch us without being disturbed and we have to keep noise down in the neighbouring room as well. Outside if we needed to cut loose. All these things were explained carefully to us and the rules were stuck to by everyone. We treasured her all the more because she was fragile and special and needed our care and consideration.

Advise that visitors from farther away could stay in hotels or camp in the garden. Perhaps borrow or hire some gazebos for shade etc. Visitors are responsible for their own catering arrangements.

It can work but boundaries have to be presented clearly and stuck to.

You probably have time to get a chain put on the door/s. You know, the sort you can open a few inches to talk, but you have to close the door and unhook the chain if you want to open it all the way. That gives you a better chance of letting in 2 at a time – if you want to.

They aren’t listening, and dealing with them at the door will be very difficult if you can’t open it at all. The only alternative might well be calling the police, which is not going to be at all nice for anyone, including Dad.

I think Beatty is remembering a suggestion I made once before: put someone in charge of organising the rabble, with the responsibility to enforce it. Still worth a try.

If they are coming from all-over, yes it might be a nice reunion for them, as well as a chance for a few at a time to see Dad. My far-flung sisters and I had an enjoyable reunion bed-side to mother in hospital - which sounds awful but it was a quick problem with an immediate recovery and she was feeling OK. Ask the organiser to set up a proper reunion somewhere suitable, which does NOT include Dad's house.

They haven't had their shots? NO WAY are they to come. Apparently they want him dead. No park, no restaurant, no visit of any kind. Not even through a window as these jerks would probably try to just walk in. And the fact they want to stay with him? I'm sorry but in this case let them know that NO means NO. Let them no that they won't be allowed to come in the house, they CAN'T stay with him and they can't even see him because they haven't had their shots. This isn't a "loving" visit. These people don't care about him at all. I wouldn't let them in the house even if he's not there as they could leave germs behind. Lock the doors and take him home with you until they go away. If they surprise you by just showing up call the police and have them remove. Do what others have suggested and get a note from the doctor to show the police. I know dad want's to be nice but you have to stand up to this so called family and be his protector. Even if it means these crazy people never talk to you again. Considering what they are planning this is a good thing.

I don't understand why a lot of you are talking about small group visit and such. She said NONE of them have had the shots. They shouldn't be allowed anywhere near him.

You might need to think outside the box here, especially if they don’t listen to and heed your advice. This is my suggestion—when then arrive, ask the kids to play outside for a while. Maybe provide chairs, some games and toys, and ask that they take turns to visit Dad. Groups of three, for example. Make it an outdoor garden party, and explain that Dad prefers to see people in groups of 3 so that he can give each person quality time and undivided attention. This is diplomatic way of achieving some sense of peace and order.

I assume that you don’t really want to break ties with your entire family which is the likely result of these “lockout” and absconding scenarios other posters have proposed. Who is the natural leader of this group and who is organizing it? Set up a zoom call with these folks and rationally discuss the plan, your father’s physical and mental status, his personal desires, the sleeping arrangements, food prep, etc. It won’t take long for the planner and leader to see how unrealistic the plan is. If necessary, ask for a complete written run down of the people who will be visiting, their vaccination status (no unvaxed!) where they will be sleeping or staying and make it completely clear that the leaders will be 100 percent responsible for bringing all the supplies, food, bed sheets and all of the cleanup. Then tell them you are going to be out of town for the duration of the visit and the planner and leader will be 100 percent responsible for your dad’s care during that time. Be nice about it but let them know they will be completely on their own before, during and after the visit. Like all pie in the sky gatherings like this, about half the people will drop out, giving the leader and the planner an excuse to cancel the visit or pare it down to a manageable size. If this doesn’t work, your dad should get “sick” about four days before the visit, necessitating you to cancel your trip out of town and their travel plans.

Likely, this planning discussion should lead you in the direction of hotels and accommodations where the whole group can stay. What they really want is to have a big family reunion and that’s a good thing. The vaccinated people should be allowed to visit him in small groups in his own home or even take him to the hotel for a short visit if he so desires. If this is the direction your conversation takes you, you can hold off mentioning your intention to go out of town and regulate the family’s access to your dad while they are there.

get a calendar and work things out so that only so many on one day then skip a day for him to recover, then plan another couple to show up. if they can't do that then they have no compassion for your father. maybe you can get him on face time (or whatever) and have them all in the same room on the other end. then let him tell them face to face thru that facetime thing that he does NOT want them all at one time. AND if they still plan on doing that.......find out what day and take your dad on a trip to your place. then if they want to come visit, they have to go by YOUR rules............wishing you luck. some people just don't get it though.

They're unvaccinated , he's vulnerable .
Buck up .
Speak to everyone on zoom if possible , or the ringleader. Ask them if they want him to die . Point blank ask them if endangering him is worth the visit , or would they like him to live out the natural span of his life .
Tell them they're endangering him and though it's understandable they want to see him as he's elderly , seeing him may remove him from their lives prematurely .
See if they will then compromise with a reunion in a park or beach , somewhere open air where he can see them without close contact. If they object , ask again : do you want him to die ?
Grind it in , don't be afraid . Let them know that though it is hard not to see their loved one , staying away or seeing him in groups of two from a distance is showing love the best .
Tell them you didn't work this hard to keep him safe to have it all fall to pieces now .
Explain to them that if they love him , they will stay in a hotel so he is safe .
Explain to them that if they love him they WILL wear masks and respect your fears about this VERY serious pandemic and the effect it has on the elderly.
" I know you love dad so I know you understand my concerns , right ? " manipulate their behinds .
I had to do this to a relative who hadn't seen my grandmother in 12 years and wanted to pop by after coming from the US. She showed up and the first thing she said was " I can't wait to hug her " oh ? I made her stand in the yard outside mamas bedroom window and mama had no damn idea who she was . Monica called me paranoid , butter wouldn't melt in my mouth , honey. I said " I'd rather be paranoid and have mama safe with me for longer than careless and watch her suffer and die " That shut her up . It was worth it .
Keep at it , a calm tone of voice always , no shouting : if you love him...do you want him safe ....find out how many elderly people have died in your region from covid and have that stat ready . This shows you've done research and that you're not talking out of your @$$.
Always calm , insistent by being firm .
If this doesn't work then they don't give a d*** about him and you should take him far away on a drive on the day they say they're arriving, Either to your home and lock up or book a hotel and don't look back until they're gone.

Good luck .
By the way , this makes me so angry in your behalf my heart is racing . I know how you feel . Stay strong and safe . Much love.
L

Are they vaccinated or not? You do not state that status and unfortunately, other posts are stating that.
You have to be the advocate for your father and do what he wants to the best of your ability. Many great ideas posted here. Be strong and keep him first in your actions to protect him.

Good grief!!! No! Family cannot come stay with Dad. He has told them. "No!". Does he need to hire a Security Detail to keep them out if they show up at the door???
Everyone here is on Dad's side saying "No!," but how can he enforce the "No? "
Too bad we cannot all show up and surround his house with a three-deep circle of Outraged Care Givers to protect his peace and privacy.
Your oblivious family is making me angry.

Why do I think that is a couple of grifters looking to create some chaos while they strip grandad's home of valuables and steal the will?

If nothing else, I would remove anything valuable and/or confidential to some other secure location.

I would move the gathering outside. Especially with covid. Vaccinated or not no hugs. This is how we handle visiting family right now. If dad gets tired he can go inside. The only time anyone goes in the house is for bathroom use.

Get an advocate and ask the advocate to talk to Dad and Sibs about it.

I must have missed where you said that no one is vaccinated? Would this most likely be the last time the entire family ever gets together or is your dad in relatively good health at 90? You said they will be "staying"....does this mean overnight or just for a few hours or the day? Is there a way to keep your Dad in a separate, quiet room while family goes in (socially distanced) a few at a time to see him while the rest of the family gathers outside or in another room? Even during Covid, my belief is that family can safely say goodbye in person vaccinated or not. Too many people have been permanently scarred emotionally because they were not allowed to see their loved ones before they died during lockdown. And too many people died alone and without being able to say goodbye to loved ones. I guess my answer would depend on your Dad's current health and life expectancy. Also....is family coming from different states or is everyone local?

COVID danger alone should be enough to ban any family gathering right now, even outdoors.

Are they all nuts or just reckless?

Aside from COVID as a reason for caution, your Dad does not like the chaos of lots of people. Many of us do not. People and social interactions, even if they are family, are extremely agitating and exhausting for quiet personalities.

A gathering is just all-around a Terrible Idea.

Dad says No. That is the answer. Tell them to have a reunion at their own expense in a restaurant and at a schedule time allow a few at a time in the house. If they don't understand, then they are not worth it.

They are reckless people. Thinking of themselves before their father. My own mother lived to be 99 because we really cared for her. No vaccines? This is so selfish it is beyond the pale.

Difficult family members who refuse to listen to reason creates an unsafe emotionally environment. Whether family is vaccinated or not, the fact of the matter is you Dad doesn't want this type of interaction.
While this may seem a bit rude, you need to advocate for your dad and say, listen, he has said he can't handle the noise and confusion and if you can't understand that, I will get a court order to prevent you all from being able to visit all at once.
You could also try a zoom type thing. Cut it off after 15 minutes.
Hire an attorney to advocate why it isn't a good idea for everyone to converge on the aged all at once.
With COVID-19 I can't believe the family is so self centered and has no regard to your dad health.
Do they have keys to dads house? If no, don't open door and call police for them disturbing his peace and quiet if the come and knock continually.
If they do have a key, change the lock, and follow above advise.
So sorry you are dealing with such family problems.
Tare care of dad and yourself

There is a thread here that is the exact opposite. Maybe that OP's dad can "adopt" these 16 family members and they can get in touch with him.

Just say no. Tell them the truth: that is too hard on him and he needs his space to be relaxing and calm.

Instead, circulate a sign up genius where the adults can each sign up, one at a time, to spend quality time with their grandad. They can take him to doctor’s appointments, deep clean his place, cook for him, plant a Spring garden, put up his holiday decorations, make needed home repairs, etc.

if they have young children, the visits need to be short. Let him enjoy the kids without too much confusion. Then they can get a babysitter for their kids and come back and help.

if they want to have a raucous family reunion, they can do it somewhere else.

Tell them that people who are not vaccinated cannot come into Dad’s house. Any vaccinated people may visit but no as overnight guests. I wouldn’t even subject Dad to a crowd of unvaccinated people in a restaurant. They are a selfish ignorant bunch to even thing of visiting without being vaccinated.

Merely inform them that if they all come at once they had better have hotel reservations. Then make arrangements for them to visit one at a time.

If they insist on coming all at once inform them the police will be called for trespassing and elder abuse. Stand your ground.

Your siblings are crazy thinking with everything that is is going on with Covid now. They are putting your father at extreme risk. Your dad needs to speak up and tell them only one or two at a time or not at all. Your siblings are selfish and not thinking of your father. Something needs to be done about this craziness. I wonder if Elder Protective Services could help or an elder attorney if they continue to refuse.

Tell them flat out that your Dad said No.
Tell them they are welcome to stay in a motel and come visit for an hour a few at a time.

Tell them that you will abide by Dad's wishes and if they show up anyway, you will not open the door.

Tell them that's too many people staying at anyone's house, especially a Senior that is use to quietness.

I know of very few houses that can accomodate 16 guests, even without a sensitive elder who wants peace and quiet. If the sibs and children want a family reunion they should rent hotel space for it. It is beyond rude to insist on the use of another person's home without an invitation. If they care at all for your father, they should be willing to listen to him if he asks them not to come. If he asks them and they insist they will come in spite of that you might want to see what legal steps can be taken. Just be aware that making a move like that will probably divide your family forever.

SavingMom2014: It is IMPERATIVE that these 16 individuals do not go to visit your dad. You can say that your state's governor (or if you live out of the country, that particular country's jurisdiction leader) has ordered protocol for the Novel Coronavirus and it must be obeyed, especially since the Delta Variant is "spreading like wildfire," to quote my state of Maryland's Governor Larry Hogan.

My reply is not to try to persuade you to do different. In fact I would plead COVID as well. It is too dangerous not only for your dad but for all the family. Not the lasting legacy he would choose to leave.

My suggestion is to Offer an alternative. Wait.
Wait for dads BD or a holiday and after COVID has been beaten back. Let it be all about Dad with some planning.

My mom at 90 was given two huge parties. She knew about it in advance and while she was shocked and amazed that so many wanted to gather for her, she thoroughly enjoyed the parties and the memories and the 90+ cards she enjoyed looking through along with the photos for years to come.

I also gave my DH aunt a large party at 90. Aunt loved the party and all that went with it. I was supportive of the parties and to use some of the terms listed here on this thread, I was the ring leader for both elders events.

The parties for my mom were not held at her home. Aunt’s party was held at her home. Her already 90 year old first cousin and cousin's daughter traveled from a state away and took her to mass the next morning and then to a gambling casino that afternoon. This was the day after the party. She absolutely loved it all. It took her a week to recover. As she said, what else do I have to do.
My mom even said she wanted such a party every year after the 90th. We always gave each of these matriarchs a party for birthday and Christmas, sometimes Easter and always Thanksgiving there would be a gathering. But not on as large a scale.

When my mom reached 95 we decided to have another party slightly expanded from immediate family. It was NOT a happy occasion for her or me. She refused to come and only the persuasion of a special GD got her to the party. Again she enjoyed it in retrospect but there was a disconnect between her and her descendants that was growing. We cut the 96th back even more. I can’t remember anything significant that was going on but it was a success. But at the 97th there was a melt down. I asked her if she wanted a half anxiety tablet. She said, better give me the whole pill. She would have passed on the whole thing. I’m so glad we didn’t. It has taken me 6 years to be able to place her initial reaction and that party in perspective. She ended up enjoying it very much and I hold that memory close when I look back over all the sacrifices I made in my own life to give meaning to her last years.
My parents had birthdays and birth years two days and two years apart in the spring so it was always a nice time for the family to gather to honor them. After my mom passed the fall of her 97th year, we continued the tradition of having a family reunion on the occasion of their births until the COVID. We have now missed two years. Maybe we can gather again next year. Hopefully the Covid will have receded enough to do so.
So try to understand that it is a honor to your father and a blessing for him and them to have an opportunity to gather but not at this time under these circumstances. Perhaps the 14 plus can gather and have a photo made to send to GP with all their love. Perhaps GP can record a video on your cell phone wishing them all well and thanking them for wanting to visit and agreeing to wait until the danger has passed. It will be something they can look back on in their futures when some of the current madness has passed. They can realize how wise their GP was and and be amazed that they have lived to tell of living through the great pandemic of the 2000s.

With COVID on the rise again I would not let this happen. Your dad has made it clear that he does not want all these people coming to visit. It would be disrespectful for family to do so. Instead arrange a zoom meeting & keep it short. As much as my dad loved his grandchildren he didn't enjoy them visiting because they were loud & they interpreted it as he doesn't want me here. He can lock his door & not let anyone in if they decide to come anyway.