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I moved my 81 year old mom in with me in June 2020 from Florida, and cared for her 24/7 over the next 6 months. She has mental health issues and early stage dementia. She is also on oxygen 24/7 due to an untreatable lung disease. My only brother does absolutely nothing to help. She’s fallen down the steps three times. She went in to a behavioral unit to see if we could get her anxiety managed better. That was two months ago. Every doctor she’s seen has told me she needs 24/7 care and bringing her home is really not an option and I’m ok with that. Now she calls dozens of times a day and leaves me the most vicious messages attacking me for “doing this to her and not letting her come home”.. When I call her she begs and pleads for me to bring her home. I explain the docs still thinks she needs a higher level of care than I can give at home. As a matter of my own self-preservation and mental well-being, I completely stopped talking to her. The sadness I feel is palpable and I wish things were different. I feel sad for her situation but know if I keep engaging with her she’ll try to break me down until she gets what she wants. I’ve gone above and beyond for my mom but now I’m ready to turn her over to the facility or state and let them deal with her. I’m not sure what my next steps are here.
I think your immediate next steps are to forgive yourself and start the healing process.
Not that I think you have done anything you need forgiveness for - but YOU do, and right now you are what matters.
No elderly person is ever really looking to admit they are unable to care for themselves and need to leave their home and go to another residence to be taken care of. Some will admit it more readily, but far more fight the notion, and then expect their family members to carry that banner into battle with them, regardless of how it affects their LO's lives. And given the amount of conversations just on this website alone, many of us join in that battle only to find the odds overwhelmingly against us.
You however, have done the wise thing - you have LISTENED when her doctors have told you in no uncertain terms that mom's care exceeds what you can safely give her in a home setting, and acted accordingly! Bravo! It is a very brave thing, to stand up to a loved one, against their wishes, and tell them - for their own good as well as yours - that you are not able to do what they want you to do. There are a lot - A LOT - of people who wait entirely too long to make the decision you made and suffer needlessly for it - both care GIVER and care RECEIVER!
So temporarily block mom until you feel more emotionally ready to speak with her. Expect her to be angry for some time. It's ok if she's angry. But it's also ok for you to not cave into her demands.
Remember, you are still providing care for her - just not in your own home. There will still be things she will need done that you will do; you just won't have to be doing it 24/7.
Be at peace with your decision - it was the best one you could make!
You’ve done well in this. I’m sorry you didn’t get the supportive, loving mother you deserved. It was wise to stop communicating and listening to the tirades. Now comes acceptance, it comes in bits. Accept that your mother isn’t capable of change, accept that there are no better choices for her care, accept that you’ve done your best in impossible circumstances. Forgive your mother for not being what you needed and forgive yourself for any guilt placed on you by yourself or others. Getting therapy to deal with sadness is never a bad idea. It is sad that it can’t be better. I hope you’ll surround yourself with experiences and people that bring positive things to your life. I wish you peace and healing
You're doing what trained professionals have recommended in providing for her care.
You are listening to her with YOUR “child ear” instead of your reasonable adult ear. YOU need to decide WHO IS LISTENING if/when you decide YOU want to call her.
You are trying to “explain” to someone who is no longer equipped, and possibly NEVER WAS EQUIPPED, to benefit from explanations. Stop.
It is sad that your relationship with her never was what you deserved to have. YOU must now mother yourself generously and compassionately. You can do this.
What she does or doesn’t do is something you cannot change, but YOU have made the BEST CHOICES YOU COULD FIND for both you and for yourself. BE AT PEACE WITH WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.
i must say, i blame our civilization/society, for being in such a scenario, where either choice can be difficult/creating huge suffering (staying at home can result in - too much - work for the caregiver...in addition, some elderly people don't just need help, they also abuse their kind caregivers at home) (staying in a facility can also be a nightmare for the elderly person, depending on the facility; some facilities truly are terrible).
there is something very wrong with the way our civilization/society has been set up, to leave us kind caregivers to choose between, sometimes, very difficult/both bad, options. i'm not saying the options are always bad. i'm saying sometimes, either option is bad.
i wish you and your mother strength, rkrensel. you tried very hard to care for your mother at home for 6 months. your brother did nothing - typical. unfortunately. also, very common, that the girl is the more caring one. (i'm not saying it's always like this).
i wish both you and your mother well. indeed, i wish all us caregivers and our loved ones, well.
i'm a lawyer, by the way. our laws are responsible for creating these impossible situations, where caring in a good way, for your loved ones, isn't easy.
our laws are not good at protecting the weaker.
we need a bit of robin hood here.
there are many alternative ways our civilization/society could operate.
i hope your mother is treated right, in the facility. i hope she's ok. i hope you're ok.
I myself would come to compromise in my own mind in that I would call HER twice a day, tell her I am not answering calls FROM her unless placed by administration, and that I will call her morning and evening, and would inform her that the length of my call would be dependent on her mood during my call. That simple. What is there to be sad about? She is being abusive. So it is time to set boundaries.
It sounds like your mother would not be happy no matter what you did. Could sit next to her bed 24/7, get her anything she wanted the very second she asked, and she'd still find fault with you. People like her very seldom realize how they are, and certainly don't care whose feelings they hurt. It's sad that people can get as far in life as she has, and still never recognize who she is or the pain she caused.
Seems to me you're grieving some losses. Loss of hope that your mother will love or treat you like she should have. It's hard to let that hope go for good. Loss of your mother as person-- even with how she is, it's still hard to see her slipping away. You've done the best you can with the limited options you have. Mother is getting care, and she can yell all she wants, but she IS getting care. You've done nothing wrong.
I would go grey rock. Now I know not everyone can do that, so if you can’t completely cut her out then simply call her when it’s good for you. Ignore her calls. And the moment she becomes abusive, hang up.
I am terribly sorry that you are struggling with this situation.
I really feel as if you have a handle on understanding the facts regarding your relationship with your mom.
You are struggling with the emotional baggage that accompanies family dynamics.
I once heard a psychologist say, “We would never treat others as badly as we tend to treat members of our own family.”
Such a true statement! We have all been guilty of hurting people in our families. Correct?
Why does this happen? There are different theories.
Some say, we mistreat others that we feel safest with.
Okay...
I will buy into that line of thought. It happens far too often to be a coincidence.
Others have said, people test those closest to them to see how much they ‘care’ about their welfare.
Yeah...
This also seams plausible.
BUT...
Even if we NEVER get to the bottom of issues, such as, narcissism, insecurity, depression, an anxiety disorder, whatever...
If a pattern occurs so frequently with individuals, that we can safely assume that it is not an ‘off’ day (everyone has bad days) then sooner or later for our own sanity, we have to break free so we can love ourselves. It actually becomes self abuse if we stick around!
It is NOT selfish to love ourselves. Sometimes it takes a bit of deprogramming, so be it!
It was hard for me to go against the grain of my own core personality and tell my mom that I totally understood her needs but due to the circumstances of being mistreated by her and my siblings that I could no longer be the one to care for her.
It’s not easy to acknowledge our own feelings if we are nurturing to others by nature. We do have a right to honor our feelings.
It took others to show me the way. We must be willing to listen to those who are trying to help us.
It took a commitment from me to work with a therapist.
It’s sad but it also took getting kicked in the gut by those who were supposed to be closest to me, one too many times.
Talk about finally waking up from FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), that will do it!
The good news is that time away from harmful situations has a way of putting things into their proper perspective.
The dust does settle.
We find peace again, even joy and laughter!
A good friend of mine always likes to say, “It all comes out in the wash.”
She kept telling me this until I believed her! She’s a great person and a wonderful friend to me.
When we are struggling with a bunch of crap, we do feel grimy and need to be refreshed.
You are taking the necessary steps to remove the toxins from your life.
So, I am going to pass along my friend’s words to you and anyone who needs to hear them, “It all comes out in the wash.”
Short term memory is usually the first thing to go with people suffering from a Demention. I think the ability to reason is also one of the first things to go. You can't reason with Mom. They also get self centered, then you throw in she is a Narcissist.
If it was my Mom and with the history you have, I would "lose" the phone. But if she uses it to keep in touch with friends and does not abuse them, then that really is her lifeline to the outside world. But if u do "lose" the phone, make the head nurse aware so they don't go looking for it.
Now for you. You do not have to pick up the calls. On a cell phone you can block her and they won't even ring thru. I have mine on Do not disturb and only my contacts come thru. All others go to VM. By taking Mom out of your contacts, you can listen to her VMs to see if its something u need to address. Landline, I have Caller ID, I just let calls go to VM. I have an old phone system so you probably can block on the newer ones.
Mom is safe where she is. She has everything she needs. You have staff that can tell you when she needs something. Toiletries are provided as are Depends. She gets 3 meals a day, snacks and activities. Its not your fault her health became a 24/7 job. She needs more care than u can provide or want to. You really shouldn't be caring for a Narcissistic person. They have no empathy. Its all about them. You do not need that stress and u don't owe her your life. So since she will never change, its up to you to. Call her once a day, if you want, to check in. As soon as she starts say, sorry Mom time to go and hang up. There is no trying to make her understand, her Dementia makes that impossible. Or let her have a certain length of time to vent and then say time to go. Put it on speaker while u do something. Don't answer her unless she asks are you there. Then say yes. Tell fibs, can't do anything until the doctor says OK. Eventually her Dementia will progress where hopefully she will forget about being mad at you.
As someone on this forum said "Guilt is self-imposed". You have done nothing to feel guilty about. Its what it is.
Do not answer her calls. Do not listen to voice mails. Call her on your terms, not more than once or twice a week. Set a day or two every week to call her, and keep it consistent. If she becomes verbally abusive, hang up immediately and do not call her back until your next "scheduled" call.
Consider therapy if you're feeling depressed, it can really help.
I would block the number so the calls from her do not come through. Just make sure the admin can call you from a different number and you don't have that number blocked. I definitely would NOT call her twice a day, or even once a day at this point.....she needs time to settle in and calm down. You can call the nurses station to see how she's doing if you'd like, but it seems to me you need a break from the harassment you're getting every day. She needs care 24/7 Which you're not capable of providing, so you've done the only thing possible by placing her where she's safe and CAN be cared for. You've explained yourself many times, nothing more is necessary.
As far as feeling sad goes, that comes with the territory of being human. What daughter can listen to an ugly tirade from her mother and NOT feel sad? I listen to rants from my 94 year old mother quite often and try to talk her off whatever ledge she's climbed up on this time. 90% of the time, she doesn't want to be talked off the ledge. She just wants to fight. She wants me to fix the fact that she has dementia and lives in memory care. That she can't walk. That she hates the food and is so anxiety ridden and nervous she can't function. But you know what? I can't. I do the best I can but it's never fixed her problems or her endless complaints or her narcissistic tendencies that the world owes her a living. So when she starts in on one of her frequent tirades, I tell her I'm hanging up the phone now mom, goodnight, and I'll speak to you when you're in a better mood. Then I don't call for awhile. And I'm sad most of the time. Because I've never had a mother to confide in. Or who was there for ME. I always had to be there for her, because she is So Nervous.
So it's a losing proposition for you and I. We're sad no matter WHAT we do. So the key is to take care of ourselves so our mother's don't wind up killing us first. It happens. The stress and the heartache and the feelings of unworthiness they try to instill in us every day take a very big toll. And that sadness hangs over us like a black cloud all the time, tainting our very souls. Making us feel like we shouldn't be happy because they are miserable. Don't buy into the lie. Live your life. Do what you have to for your mother but nothing more.
Remind yourself daily that you are a child of God and that you are loved and worthy of love and happiness. And entitled to live a full life in spite of having an old and sickly mother who feels otherwise.
Wishing you, and all of us in a similar position, the strength and courage to move forward with our OWN lives. To give ourselves PERMISSION to do that.
There is no room in anyone's life for toxic people. Your mother is toxic. It doesn't matter that she is biologically related to you. She is toxic. For your own physical and mental health, stop taking her calls. If a neighbor treated you this way, would you still associate with them? You are a good person and you deserve a good life. Check with the nursing staff for updates on her health. Once her dementia progresses and she forgets to be mad at you, then you can call or visit again. Until then, give yourself a break.
If your mom is a narcissist, and her current behavior is not a manifestation of her disease, then your sadness is understandable. You never had a true "mother"; you had an adult making sure you were fed and clothed. So, grieve that, but don't grieve about your mother's situation.
If you have a pastor or minister, or priest you feel comfortable talking to, please do. It will help you put everything in perspective. Big hugs to you
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Not that I think you have done anything you need forgiveness for - but YOU do, and right now you are what matters.
No elderly person is ever really looking to admit they are unable to care for themselves and need to leave their home and go to another residence to be taken care of. Some will admit it more readily, but far more fight the notion, and then expect their family members to carry that banner into battle with them, regardless of how it affects their LO's lives. And given the amount of conversations just on this website alone, many of us join in that battle only to find the odds overwhelmingly against us.
You however, have done the wise thing - you have LISTENED when her doctors have told you in no uncertain terms that mom's care exceeds what you can safely give her in a home setting, and acted accordingly! Bravo! It is a very brave thing, to stand up to a loved one, against their wishes, and tell them - for their own good as well as yours - that you are not able to do what they want you to do. There are a lot - A LOT - of people who wait entirely too long to make the decision you made and suffer needlessly for it - both care GIVER and care RECEIVER!
So temporarily block mom until you feel more emotionally ready to speak with her. Expect her to be angry for some time. It's ok if she's angry. But it's also ok for you to not cave into her demands.
Remember, you are still providing care for her - just not in your own home. There will still be things she will need done that you will do; you just won't have to be doing it 24/7.
Be at peace with your decision - it was the best one you could make!
You have done the best you could on her behalf.
You're doing what trained professionals have recommended in providing for her care.
You are listening to her with YOUR “child ear” instead of your reasonable adult ear. YOU need to decide WHO IS LISTENING if/when you decide YOU want to call her.
You are trying to “explain” to someone who is no longer equipped, and possibly NEVER WAS EQUIPPED, to benefit from explanations. Stop.
It is sad that your relationship with her never was what you deserved to have. YOU must now mother yourself generously and compassionately. You can do this.
What she does or doesn’t do is something you cannot change, but YOU have made the BEST CHOICES YOU COULD FIND for both you and for yourself.
BE AT PEACE WITH WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.
i must say, i blame our civilization/society, for being in such a scenario, where either choice can be difficult/creating huge suffering (staying at home can result in - too much - work for the caregiver...in addition, some elderly people don't just need help, they also abuse their kind caregivers at home) (staying in a facility can also be a nightmare for the elderly person, depending on the facility; some facilities truly are terrible).
there is something very wrong with the way our civilization/society has been set up, to leave us kind caregivers to choose between, sometimes, very difficult/both bad, options. i'm not saying the options are always bad. i'm saying sometimes, either option is bad.
i wish you and your mother strength, rkrensel.
you tried very hard to care for your mother at home for 6 months.
your brother did nothing - typical. unfortunately. also, very common, that the girl is the more caring one. (i'm not saying it's always like this).
i wish both you and your mother well.
indeed, i wish all us caregivers and our loved ones, well.
i'm a lawyer, by the way.
our laws are responsible for creating these impossible situations, where caring in a good way, for your loved ones, isn't easy.
our laws are not good at protecting the weaker.
we need a bit of robin hood here.
there are many alternative ways our civilization/society could operate.
i hope your mother is treated right, in the facility. i hope she's ok.
i hope you're ok.
big hugs!!!
wishing us all well,
bundle of joy
regarding abuse and narc mothers, someone here posted this and i totally agree:
“These women don't want 'solutions', they just want to complain and make US feel like Bad Daughters.”
i hope you’re doing ok rkrensel!!
stay away from abuse.
make yourself unavailable.
personally, i think the only solution is low/no contact.
bundle of joy
That simple. What is there to be sad about? She is being abusive. So it is time to set boundaries.
It sounds like your mother would not be happy no matter what you did. Could sit next to her bed 24/7, get her anything she wanted the very second she asked, and she'd still find fault with you. People like her very seldom realize how they are, and certainly don't care whose feelings they hurt. It's sad that people can get as far in life as she has, and still never recognize who she is or the pain she caused.
Seems to me you're grieving some losses. Loss of hope that your mother will love or treat you like she should have. It's hard to let that hope go for good. Loss of your mother as person-- even with how she is, it's still hard to see her slipping away. You've done the best you can with the limited options you have. Mother is getting care, and she can yell all she wants, but she IS getting care. You've done nothing wrong.
I really feel as if you have a handle on understanding the facts regarding your relationship with your mom.
You are struggling with the emotional baggage that accompanies family dynamics.
I once heard a psychologist say, “We would never treat others as badly as we tend to treat members of our own family.”
Such a true statement! We have all been guilty of hurting people in our families. Correct?
Why does this happen? There are different theories.
Some say, we mistreat others that we feel safest with.
Okay...
I will buy into that line of thought. It happens far too often to be a coincidence.
Others have said, people test those closest to them to see how much they ‘care’ about their welfare.
Yeah...
This also seams plausible.
BUT...
Even if we NEVER get to the bottom of issues, such as, narcissism, insecurity, depression, an anxiety disorder, whatever...
If a pattern occurs so frequently with individuals, that we can safely assume that it is not an ‘off’ day (everyone has bad days) then sooner or later for our own sanity, we have to break free so we can love ourselves. It actually becomes self abuse if we stick around!
It is NOT selfish to love ourselves. Sometimes it takes a bit of deprogramming, so be it!
It was hard for me to go against the grain of my own core personality and tell my mom that I totally understood her needs but due to the circumstances of being mistreated by her and my siblings that I could no longer be the one to care for her.
It’s not easy to acknowledge our own feelings if we are nurturing to others by nature. We do have a right to honor our feelings.
It took others to show me the way. We must be willing to listen to those who are trying to help us.
It took a commitment from me to work with a therapist.
It’s sad but it also took getting kicked in the gut by those who were supposed to be closest to me, one too many times.
Talk about finally waking up from FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), that will do it!
The good news is that time away from harmful situations has a way of putting things into their proper perspective.
The dust does settle.
We find peace again, even joy and laughter!
A good friend of mine always likes to say, “It all comes out in the wash.”
She kept telling me this until I believed her! She’s a great person and a wonderful friend to me.
When we are struggling with a bunch of crap, we do feel grimy and need to be refreshed.
You are taking the necessary steps to remove the toxins from your life.
So, I am going to pass along my friend’s words to you and anyone who needs to hear them, “It all comes out in the wash.”
Take care. Keep us posted. We care.
If it was my Mom and with the history you have, I would "lose" the phone. But if she uses it to keep in touch with friends and does not abuse them, then that really is her lifeline to the outside world. But if u do "lose" the phone, make the head nurse aware so they don't go looking for it.
Now for you. You do not have to pick up the calls. On a cell phone you can block her and they won't even ring thru. I have mine on Do not disturb and only my contacts come thru. All others go to VM. By taking Mom out of your contacts, you can listen to her VMs to see if its something u need to address. Landline, I have Caller ID, I just let calls go to VM. I have an old phone system so you probably can block on the newer ones.
Mom is safe where she is. She has everything she needs. You have staff that can tell you when she needs something. Toiletries are provided as are Depends. She gets 3 meals a day, snacks and activities. Its not your fault her health became a 24/7 job. She needs more care than u can provide or want to. You really shouldn't be caring for a Narcissistic person. They have no empathy. Its all about them. You do not need that stress and u don't owe her your life. So since she will never change, its up to you to. Call her once a day, if you want, to check in. As soon as she starts say, sorry Mom time to go and hang up. There is no trying to make her understand, her Dementia makes that impossible. Or let her have a certain length of time to vent and then say time to go. Put it on speaker while u do something. Don't answer her unless she asks are you there. Then say yes. Tell fibs, can't do anything until the doctor says OK. Eventually her Dementia will progress where hopefully she will forget about being mad at you.
As someone on this forum said "Guilt is self-imposed". You have done nothing to feel guilty about. Its what it is.
Consider therapy if you're feeling depressed, it can really help.
Stay strong
As far as feeling sad goes, that comes with the territory of being human. What daughter can listen to an ugly tirade from her mother and NOT feel sad? I listen to rants from my 94 year old mother quite often and try to talk her off whatever ledge she's climbed up on this time. 90% of the time, she doesn't want to be talked off the ledge. She just wants to fight. She wants me to fix the fact that she has dementia and lives in memory care. That she can't walk. That she hates the food and is so anxiety ridden and nervous she can't function. But you know what? I can't. I do the best I can but it's never fixed her problems or her endless complaints or her narcissistic tendencies that the world owes her a living. So when she starts in on one of her frequent tirades, I tell her I'm hanging up the phone now mom, goodnight, and I'll speak to you when you're in a better mood. Then I don't call for awhile. And I'm sad most of the time. Because I've never had a mother to confide in. Or who was there for ME. I always had to be there for her, because she is So Nervous.
So it's a losing proposition for you and I. We're sad no matter WHAT we do. So the key is to take care of ourselves so our mother's don't wind up killing us first. It happens. The stress and the heartache and the feelings of unworthiness they try to instill in us every day take a very big toll. And that sadness hangs over us like a black cloud all the time, tainting our very souls. Making us feel like we shouldn't be happy because they are miserable. Don't buy into the lie. Live your life. Do what you have to for your mother but nothing more.
Remind yourself daily that you are a child of God and that you are loved and worthy of love and happiness. And entitled to live a full life in spite of having an old and sickly mother who feels otherwise.
Wishing you, and all of us in a similar position, the strength and courage to move forward with our OWN lives. To give ourselves PERMISSION to do that.
If your mom is a narcissist, and her current behavior is not a manifestation of her disease, then your sadness is understandable. You never had a true "mother"; you had an adult making sure you were fed and clothed. So, grieve that, but don't grieve about your mother's situation.
If you have a pastor or minister, or priest you feel comfortable talking to, please do. It will help you put everything in perspective. Big hugs to you