Hello! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I’ll try my best to cut it short. My grandad is 90 and 91 in November. He lives at home on his own as my sister who did live with him has just moved out with her boyfriend and my other sister has done the same so my grandad is at home on his own.
My nana passed away a few months ago, she was in a nursing home and had cancer so covid made things so hard I only got to see her once in the whole year before she passed away. We promised her we wouldn’t let my Grandad go into a nursing home as he can walk and drive still, he’s so interesting and chatty we just know it would set him back and loves having his own independence.
So he is now at home alone and we are in the process of organising a panic button for him but a button is not going to help him if he trips and it’s too late! I call him everyday, I drop in with shopping a few times a week (he gets meals on wheels) and I bring out on a day trip every Sunday so he has something to look forward to. It makes me so happy to see him so cheerful after the years my nana wasn’t well and he has his life on hold for such a long time.
But I live at home with my mum who is a care assistant and she is trying to leave her job to become his carer but it’s not full time. I’m so afraid he will get up to use the toilet in the middle of the night and fall or anything could happen. Since my two sisters have moved out it’s me and my mum taking care of him and I have to work from home 50 hours a week and have my own life too.
But since my sisters have boyfriends my mum says “well they are getting on with their own lives” but what about my life? I’m nearly 30 and I’m doing so much for him, I am completely burnt out, can hardly do my normal 9-5 job, my weekend is with my Grandad, and I can’t even have a day myself. My mum is also a healthcare worker and I give her 4-6 lifts a day which means I have to work late in my own job to make up the hours. I am also stressed being at home as my mum drinks every night and I have to make sure she is ok as she has gotten sick from it before. So anyways, I feel like I have lost all my young years, it’s not fair my sisters get to live their lives and think it’s ok cause I’m here to mind him and I’m the only person with a car too. It’s really hard to see all my friends get married and settle down and I’m here taking care of everyone. I feel like life is passing me by and I have no quality of life anymore. I don’t know if I should just pack my bags and move to another country and start a new life of be stuck here forever and regret it in years to come. Or do I be selfish?
I love my Grandad so much and he is so lonely right now and we all still grieving over my nana. He is the most talkative 90 year old I have ever met and I could never leave him in a nursing home it would set him back big time. I just feel trapped in a really complicated situation. My sisters have gone off cause they think “oh she is there, she has the car she will be there if anything goes wrong” but I don’t want to be in that position, before my nana went into the nursing home I spent years helping taking care of her and bringing her to get her chemo and radiation, calling ambulances and driving after them to the hospital. I took off so much time to help her before she went into a nursing home and there is nothing I’d ever do differently. But this is MY life, I
am not getting any younger and I’m starting to feel so down and depressed and anxious that something could happen to my grandad and if I leave him and something does happen to him, I’ll never forgive myself thinking if I was there I could have prevented it from happening. All it takes is one fall and I love him so much I’d be in bits if something happened to him. I’m still getting over the death of my grandmother and still helping him getting the grave stone made up and the paperwork but to be honest I am coming burnt out and not enjoying my life anymore. I would appreciate any help! 😀
You are way to young to not be out having fun when you get off of work, and you certainly shouldn't be responsible for your alcoholic mom. You need to move out and get a place of your own with a friend if needed, and start living and enjoying your life. Your mom is using and abusing you, and as long as you continue to let her, she will continue.
And just so you are perfectly clear on this, your mom nor your grandad are your responsibility. PERIOD!!!!!
The assisted living facility is great solution for your grandad, and you moving out is a great solution for you. Now it's up to you to put you big girl panties on and make some much needed changes. You can do it, and I don't want to hear any excuses.
Not trying to contradict you, just don't like people thinking that falls can be stopped by facility living, because they can't.
Here's the thing, your mom needs to grow up and you don't need to babysit a drunk. Sorry, if she drowns in her own vomit, that would be the consequences of drinking to much nightly. You have to let that situation go with her.
Your grandpa is the main concern and I, personally, would be looking for a facility, like Assisted Living or a board and care, where he can have people to chat with and enjoy others while he is able. It isn't unkind to look at his overall well being and his needs and decide that he would be better off in a facility. Doing the research and going to visit them, taking grandpa so he can enjoy a meal and speak with some of the residents is really important to ensure a good fit. Then you coulf be his grandchild and advocate, loving him and looking forward to your visit/outings because you aren't worried about him all the time.
Your grandpa needs you and he is blessed to have you. Please stop being the adult with your mom and focus on getting grandpa situated so you can have the life you want and deserve.
I'm sorry about your Nana.
Wouldn't it be nice if your grandad could be around a group of older people he can talk with? He may very well thrive in an assisted living where there's activities to do and people to talk to. They aren't like they used to be 'back in the day'. Also-does he need a nursing home? Or could he do assisted living?
As others have said, he could fall anywhere--unless you're with him 24/7 a fall may happen.
And you do not need to babysit your mom. If she drinks, then that's on her and she has to deal with what happens when you drink too much. Not your problem. Maybe look into al-anon or something like that?
You will only resent it if you keep on the path you are on.
Grandpa needs to find his own friends. I agree with above posters that assisted living would be perfect for him!
You have to do some reading on boundaries, etc. You're going to have to tell grandpa that you are going to be spending more time with your friends, going out to dinner, maybe even DATING! Whatever it is, it's going to be you and your peers. Start going to a gym. Take a vacation ASAP! You need to take a break now and treat yourself to a week away somewhere fun, fun, fun! Doing whatever you like - relaxing on the beach with a good book or hiking the mountains. It's summer so grab it and do SOMETHING.
Best of luck.
Maybe AL will be best for him; he won't have to deal with getting his grass cut and/or cleaning gutters, and shoveling snow if he lives in an area where it snows.