My mother's friend contacted adult protective services and reported my mother's POA for elder abuse. What will happen now?

DeeAnna,
Thank you for your wisdom, you are a blessing to me when I need it the most. I will follow your advice. I thank you again.

I am sorry that this situation is turning into such a huge "tug-of-war" over your Mom's health care needs. Hopefully your son will let you know the outcome of your Mom's doctor appointment on June 11th. Please keep us updated as to what is going on with the APS investigation.

Type a nice, professional letter addressed to the doctor for your son to take to the doctor's appointment that states your concerns about your Mom's health clearly and without bias. Write only about your concerns for your Mom's health and do NOT mention anything about the POA power struggle that is going on.

You might state in your letter: "My Mom, ______, and ________, the administrator at _________Assisted Living Facility, have told me repeatedly that my Mom, ______, is able to go home because she can take care of herself without supervision. What is your opinion about ______ being discharged from the ______________ Assisted Living Facility and going home to live by herself?"

DO NOT state YOUR OPINION, just ask for the doctor's opinion. Put the letter in a SEALED envelope and give your son a copy of the letter. Tell your son that you sealed the envelope for your Mom's privacy. I don't know if he will open the envelope or not, but maybe he will leave it untouched if you give him a copy of the doctor's letter and tell him that the copy is for "HIS files".

I wonder if your son is doing the evaluation early because APS has already contacted him??? Would your sons tell you if APS is doing an investigation of them as your Mom's POAs?

Ecclesiastes states that "For everything there is a season." and this seems to be the time to wait and see what the APS investigation discovers and what they decide is the best for your Mom. God Bless.

Thanks for your post. I am going to see how she is today. She has an appointment on june 11th for an evaluation with the neurologist who signed her incompetency certificate. My son poa health is taking her he won't let me go but said if I had any concerns I should type them out and he would make sure the doctor gets them...SURE HE WILL. She was to have this eval done at 3 months but he is doing it a 2 months, I think he is setting her up to fail. But who knows ?

CW, any sort of disruption to my mom's routine--a visitor, an outing, no matter how pleasant, often caused confusion and sometimes agitation later on that day. No alcohol needed to do that!

Your first step, I think, is to talk to the AL about how to get your mom evaluated for mental competency. If mom is competent, she can change her POAs and THAT would change everything, wouldn't it?

My mom does not consume alcohol so that is not it. The only medication she gets for her anxiety is in the am and that makes her somewhat tired. I wonder if she felt overwhelmed having been so angry with them for so long, wanting to say things to them but doesn't feel they would listen.
I would not call aps, it would only hinder the facts, if they ask me questions I will answer to the best of my knowledge.

Thanks to everyone for your experience that you share. It is amazing how this group of wonderful people can get to the top, bottom and all sides of an issue to help people like me see what I couldn't. Get to the core of issues and really make one think. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart, may you all be blessed.

I just found out that my son, his wife, my other son and my 2 grandsons visited mom tonight. Today was her 83rd birthday, I took her for lunch and surprised her with 3 of her friends, she was great, laughing having conversations she was so happy. My mom called me tonight and she was very confused, I haven't ever heard her confused before.. angry yes but not confused, so this doesn't make sense to me. 1st time they have been to see mom since April 18th when she was moved in to the facility.

The sw stood up and backed herself in the corner of the room

I talked to the administrator she told me not to sign in so my boys won't see how often I see my mom. The boys ask for the money saying they needed help several times and we gave it to them but not any more. My oldest got a job offer in vermont and came to me stating he needed $30,000.00 to be able to move. I told him I would loan him the money but when I ask him to start paying something back he says he can't. Yes my sons manipulated both my mom and me. Their father and I were married for 20 years and it was very abusive, they learned from him and became who they are. I married their dad after my 1st husband died and because I had money he refused to work, I was young and stupid. I remarried a wonderful man who they did not like but by then they were adults. They stayed away for 7 years. My husband ended his life in front of me and I have ptsd. My family consists of my sons and my mother. Yes they abuse me mentally and I fear loosing the chance hoping some day they will understand how much they have hurt me. I lack courage to stand up to them as I live in fear. My mother went to an attorney last year and had a trust made out. She wanted my oldest to be involved as co trustee with me but when he found out she changed her will leaving everything to me my oldest called the attorney told him that " at this time we did not think gram would understand what she would be signing" my oldest convinced my mother not to sign the trust. I couldn't do anything nor could the attorney if mom wasn't willing. Then shortly after that the boys tried to convince mom to let them find someone else to come in to replace me to help her. She told them NO and then they stopped communicating with us but then she fell and....you know the rest of the story. I am capable of helping my mother we get along great and I was a provider in the medical field for over 20 years. I left my practice 10 years ago not going back after my husband took his life. There is my story I am 63 years old educated and here I sit. I put my sons through college, they both have good jobs but they think they are entitled to what ever they want. I have changed my will and they are not my poa's. At least I did that.

How did the sw respond to you being ordered out of the room?
Why did your mom make your two sons her POAs?  I know you were out of the area. Does she trust them?

Have you asked the DON if you can be prevented from seeing your mom?

It sounds to me like there is more backstory about this situation.

You say your sons are both taking money from your mom and you. Taking as in financial abuse? Intimidation?

I can't imagine a situation in which any of my kids would speak to me that way.  Are they always disrespectful?

Maybe they would think about there actions and try to correct things. I don't know, what I do know is she has a serious short term memory problem and some cognitive issues. She has had them since her last fall in 2016, some days are better but none are without problems. I know there is no easy answer and my sons will not converse with me. I tried to get them to understand at the hospital when the social worker came in to talk to all of us in front of mom. She asked what moms daily routine was at home. My youngest son poa for health started to talk and I asked if I could interject since I have been with her ev ery day for 2 years about 3-4 hours a day and you haven't seen her since Christmas. He leaned towords me and raised his voice in anger saying you're barking up the wrong tree". Then my older son poa property said as he pointed to the door " you mom out in the hallway NOW". When the social worker left my son told me I attacked my other son and made everyone in this family look bad. They shot me down and I was told not to say anything. 

CW,

A couple things. Short term memory loss is a symptom of Dementia. Asking the same question over and over and over kinda sounds like Dementia.

If your Mom was not having short term memory loss, etc, etc, before the fall you might explore the head injury route.

I fainted in March, fell and smacked the back of my head on my cement porch. 4 staples in my head. I passed the neuro exams, BUT, I couldnt think my way out of a paper bag, my balance was nonexistent. I had to intentionally not talk a lot because I knew I was repeating myself and searching for words. This episode lasted 2 months after I hit my head. I am 57.

I am not saying your Mom doesn’t have Dementia. Or that you may be in denial about the situation. But if your Mom TRULY had all her wits about her before the fall, then deemed incompetent, and now seems to be recovering somewhat, her head injury could have been the source of this mix up.

With all that being said, we all know that when the elderly start falling things can take a downturn mentally and physically.

If your Mom is happy, healthy, and safe in Assisted Living and can afford it, is there really a downside to how this has worked out?

Jeanne, thanks for sharing your always helpful insight. I was surprised to see that you raised the issue of ICU psychosis. A doctor had told us about that several years ago, and I understood how it could happen. Not only are there the medical issues, but the isolation and sensory deprivation contribute as well. The sound of the machines add to that. There's a reason why similar tactics are used by military forces.

You are so right...mom got herself into this mess, the reality that is hitting me now is she kept repeating to anyone who would listen "why am I here ?" She knows why she is there she fell again 8 staples in her head, was evaluated by her neurologist and failed the exam. The doctor put her where she is at. I have no idea how a certificate of incompetency or why it was done, other than to put in place her poa's. Which were put in place when she signed them. Nothing is different now...her grandson's didn't call or come see her when she was at home either. The only abuse is the abuse she is putting on herself by telling everyone her story. I gave her a journal to write her thoughts down in hopes she could let things ease up for her but she forgets to write in it. She is having a nurse write things on pieces of paper for her. She has everyone at the facility telling me she doesn't need to be there. The DON told me to get an attorney and said don't tell anyone I told you to. You all are helping me see a different perspective and I thank you.

In 2003 I was hospitalized on an emergency basis. I had been acting weird, and it wouldn't have surprised me to find myself in the psych ward. Instead I was in ICU for 3 days, and then a regular room. Turns out I had undiagnosed diabetes.

The entire 5 days I was in the hospital I experienced ICU psychosis. I hallucinated, had delusions, cried a lot. By the 4th day I was able to hide it but I was still not well in the brain! If at any time during those 5 days someone had asked if I was competent to make my own decisions, the answer would have been No! (There were chickens on an assembly line in my room, for goodness sakes. How competent does that sound?)

But all of that was a temporary reaction to the reason I was in the hospital and to the hospital experience itself. Shakingdustoff I fully believe the "incompetent" evaluation in the hospital could have been mistaken. Countrymouse, I certainly agree that a new competency evaluation should be completed. (And if she is found competent now, she should change the POA! But that's another post.)

I certainly hope this poor lady gets the appropriate care she deserves!

I am concerned that the state could appoint a guardian and make this a bigger mess than what it is. At this point it is a wait and see situation. This isn't about me, my sons or moms friends. It is about my mom and what the outcome will be for the future care of my mom. Mom is doing well at the facility, it's when she gets alone and thinks, her mind and thoughts get out of control. I guess if she is asking the same questions when she has been told "the doctor put you here" over and over, I would think if she didn't have problems like dementia she may not keep asking and telling her story. Maybe I am in denial and the facility doesn't hear and see her when she is in her apartment talking to her friends. If she goes home she will be less engaged with people. She is safe, eating good food and has other people to be around. I feel I should be transparent with my sons and not hide what I have been told.

Why are you concerned with what APS will put your sons through?

You seem to think your mom is fine and should be returned to her home. If she is fine, APS will help with getting her out of AL and having her declared legally competent.

Is that what you want?

If the lady's competence or lack of it has been called into question; if there are concerns about the original assessment finding her incompetent, or if with proper care she has recovered from whatever was disturbing her balance of mind and is again able to make sound decisions for herself; in any case, what is the objection to having APS investigate? It's a review, to be undertaken by qualified professionals. I don't see why it's a problem.

The relationship between yourself and your sons sounds like a very sad state of affairs indeed, though. Would there be any way to repair it? Have you thought about mediation?

Just a thought/ I need to understand the situation better:

Mother’s Friend #1 (MF#1)contacted Adult Protective Services regarding your sons because they are your Mother’s POA for health and property and they put your mother in an assisted living facility after she fell and was hospitalized 2 months ago.

You found out that APS is investigating your sons because Mother’s Friends #2 (MF#2--who is a volunteer at APS) called you and told you.

Does Mother’s Friend #1 know that Mother’s Friend #2 volunteers at APS? Is it possible that MF#1 was talking (gossiping) to MF#2 about the situation (over the phone or in person) and asking for some “free advice” while MF#2 was volunteering at APS? Which resulted in an APS employee overhearing this conversation and opening an investigation? Thus MF#2 feels bad because she was overheard by an APS employee gossiping about your sons and that gossip turned into a legal investigation?

Don't worry about making too many posts. We are here to listen and help if we can.

OOPS!!! While I understand that your Mother's friend was "just trying to help", she may end up hurting your Mother, your sons, you and herself. Since your Mother's friend works for APS, she (and you) know that what she did is legally wrong as she violated privacy laws. She really should not have called you and told you about a case that is pending, especially if you or your sons don't know about APS investigating your sons as POAs yet. Makes me wonder how many times she has called a "family friend" in the past and told them that APS was investigating their family. Hmmm?!?

I wouldn't trust her with anymore private information about your family. She might accidently tell other APS staff members that she knows "something" about your family situation and cause more trouble.

Did you compound the problem and tell your sons that APS is investigating them because they are your Mother's POAs? Or has APS already contacted them? I haven't had time to read your previous posts as we are having a thunderstorm and I have to get off the computer now. I'll write more tomorrow. Good Night.

Yes garden artist thanks for adding the background information I didn't know how. This is a new addition based on finding out one of moms friends reported my sons to APS. I called an attorney ....you can read what he said in an earlier post above. I have explained to my mom she needs to call her attorney that I can't. I'm sorry if I have made too many post....I am alone and have no one to talk to about this that I can trust will speak the truth.
How can I stop aps from investigating??? I just found out today a friend of moms who works for aps called and told me. She could loose her job but she is a volunteer. She told me not to tell anyone. I don't want my sons or anyone to be put through this...if I call aps they will ask me how I know..what a mess.  

Background information on this situation:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-mothers-poa-had-incompetency-papers-signed-but-they-have-her-birth-date-incorrect-is-this-legally-void-439047.htm

I know what you mean and fully understand. I go out either in the afternoon or after supper. Why would the facility take her but now say she could be home. Perhaps it is dementia but it seems only to affect her short term memory. She does get very angry late in the pm, she calls me crying or just really mad because she can't be home. She wants to hire an attorney; I just don't know how to help her. Everyone seems to have an opinion and they tell her what they think. I was spending 3-4 hours a day with her before she fell. I did her meds and all her running around with her and was helping her. Gosh I can't help mom, myself and try to reason with my sons so I have to stop or it will take a toll on me. As you can tell it already has. Thanks

I was typing as you were posting so I am amending my answer:

Both freqflyer and OverTheEdge have brought up good points about your situation. Who are the POAs--your siblings?--So your sons are your Mom's POAs.


I think that you are not seeing the WHOLE PICTURE. If you still think that your Mother should not be in the Assisted Living Facility, then let Adult Protective Services go ahead and investigate and make everyone's life (including your life, your Mother's life and your sons lives) miserable. Your sons will not like you for it and your family might become even more dysfunctional.

APS will discover the truth to the situation and will do what THEY THINK IS BEST for your Mother. As a result of the APS investigation, you may find that you have to petition for guardianship of your Mother. THE COURT could appoint someone outside of your family to be your Mother's guardian (which will mean that neither you nor your sons will have any say regarding your Mother's care anymore.) Is that what you want?

My Mom was admitted to a Long Term Care facility for Rehab last May 2017. Most of the non-nursing staff thought that she was totally alert and coherent because she was friendly and visited with other residents; because she knew each resident's name and where they sat at dining room tables; and because she was able to discuss her finances and talk about how her income, along with her long term care insurance, would pay for her stay at the nursing home.

However, the nurses and CNAs knew that: Mom cried after each of my visits or phone calls (even though the visit or phone call was very positive); Mom resisted eating or being assisted to toilet or bed; Mom could not be redirected by nursing staff or by me when she got a certain idea in her head and that Mom would accuse the nursing staff and me of telling her lies when we told he the truth (Mom would say, "DON’T YOU LIE TO ME!!!”); Mom had delusions, especially about the “white bus to heaven” that took her and other residents to heaven, dropped some of them off and then returned to the facility almost daily; and Mom thought that the nurses were building a bomb shelter under her bathroom.

Because some of the nursing home staff thought that my Mom was coherent, they "assisted" her in changing her D-POA (which was me) and I had to petition for guardianship and conservatorship. After spending several thousand dollars and having several meetings with lawyers, the "Attorney Ad Lidem" assigned by the court to represent Mom decided that Mom DID NOT know what she was doing when she changed her D-POA and returned Mom's D-POA to me. If someone had been more observant and realized just how much problem Mom was having mentally and emotionally, we could have avoided all of the legal stuff and I would not have had to spend several thousand dollars of my retirement fund to get my D-POA back again.

Some people with dementia are "show-timers" and can pretend or "fake their way" to act normal around groups of people or visitors but in reality, they cannot be left alone as they cannot take care of them selves at all.

You need to visit your Mother at different time and during different situations/scenarios to see how she interacts with others. There is more to this situation than you think. Whatever is happening, you need to do WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR MOTHER no matter what her friends say.

Sometimes people in a facility seem fine, but take them out of the facility and ALL the reasons come to the surface as to why they're in a facility. Mine was somewhat noncompliant in general at home. Wouldn't do her prescribed exercises, frequent urine/stool accidents (even with a bathroom 6 feet away from her), called 911 for frivolous reasons (she did this somewhat often..), many preventable falls as well, but she refused to listen to anyone and/or adjust her behavior. We warned her many times that she was headed for a nursing home, but she could not or would not change her ways. Now that she's in a facility, she has friends, goes on day trips, she isn't sleepy all the time, she's always in one activity or another, etc. Is she cured? No. Will I move her to her own apartment now that she seems better? No. She needs the facility in order to be doing as well as she is. However, sometimes the reasons a person is in a facility would not be obvious.

Cwdaisy, the facility wouldn't have taken in your Mom unless the facility thought she couldn't live at home. At the facility, it can take a whole village to help one resident. Could be your sons were able to see the forest for the trees. I know we hate to see our own parents age, and sometimes we are in denial about our parent's ability.

By chance, are you visiting Mom at the same time every other day? If yes, then change the times. I would recommend after 4pm when some elders have what is called "sundowning". Then you would hear a different conversation.

My own Dad appeared very with it during the day but come 4pm he transported himself back to the 1940's. No way he could be left home by himself for any length of time. Plus he was a fall risk, I noticed with each fall, his memory would get fuzzier and fuzzier.

Thanks for answering, I see my mom every other day and I don't see her any different than before she fell. Mom tells and ask everyone why she is there when she could be home. I tell her the doctor put her in assisted living, I had been helping her at home she did everything except drive and her meds. Her poa's are my sons and they went behind my back to do this. The administrator, director of nursing everyone tells me she doesn't need to be there. Mom made out her poa in 2004 when I wasn't in the area. My sons only came around to see there gram or me if they wanted money, now that I'm back this has stopped. I am not able to talk with them per my attorney as they could prevent me from seeing her at all. This is so dysfunctional and I am at a loss.

Oh this brings up memories..... We had a playground bully of an LPN providing "home care" to my family member & threatened to call APS on me because Mom was non-compliant with a lot of things and her overall condition was not what we'd all hoped. If a sick person continues to get sicker it does not mean there is neglect or abuse! I would think an LPN would know this as she is in a vulnerable position as well in terms of someone accusing HER of something. And, initiating such legal action against the primary caregiver (me) seems rather counterproductive - doesn't it? Who will take my place? Calling APS just because someone doesn't like how things are going is inappropriate at best. APS is there for true, honest to goodness cases where there is an adult whose basic needs and/or safety are in jeopardy. That LPN had me so terrified that I to still worry I will be contacted by APS & Mom's been permanently in a facility for a while now due to multiple factors.

I agree with freqflyer - go check it out for yourself if you can and see what's going on. If not, talk to the staff at the facility and get the facts. Then call APS to advise them of this addtional information. Maybe you can stop the complaint in its tracks before it gets too far.

Cwdaisy, please note that an Assisted Living facility evaluates a person before that person can move in.... apparently with their professional knowledge, your Mom had qualified for the facility.

Honestly, this wouldn't be elder abuse having your Mom be in a facility, it is for her best interest. Makes me wonder what your Mom had told her friend. If Mom does have memory issues it is not unusual for a person to make up stories, which is ok, because her brain isn't thinking correctly. In fact, both Power of Attorneys may have visited many times but your Mom had forgotten, again, not unusual.

I have a feeling you don't live nearby where your Mom is now living. If that is correct, arrange to visit her to see for yourself what is going on. If the only communication with Mom prior was by telephone, it is easy for some elders to sound very clear minded while engaged in a conversation on the phone. My Dad was that way, yet he had dementia and no way could he live by himself. If I had Dad live on his own, then that would be considered elder abuse.