Hi, my mother has been in her nursing home for two months and she refuses to eat the food they prepare. The first month I listened to their recommendations to not visit so she could get adjusted. I would call up and ask for check ups after the first month she nearly lost 15 pounds and they told me they been giving her meal replacements like ensure.This is weird since when she was home she would always eat, never had issues with her eating. I asked if I could bring her food to see if she eats and she does, she has been eating but it defeats the purpose of her being placed since I have to bring her food each day because they do not have a place to store the food for residents, and do not reheat food for safety reasons. Any suggestions cause I cannot keep going everyday to bring her food it is about an hour drive for me. It appears she does not like the food. To be fair the food does kind of suck reminds me of old school lunches. This is all we could afford though, she is on Medicaid.
First and foremost, caregivers know more about their loved ones - I certainly did. I got so frustrated with dieticians, who didn't know my mum, making the usual suggestions of adding cream to food and cups of tea for a woman who didn't like cream, serving ice cream and cakes to a woman who has never liked them, plus other ideas that wouldn't work for my mum who has always been sensitive to textures and changes in taste.
When my mum finally had a new dietician, who listened to and worked with her family who knew her best, my mums weight increased from under 5 stone (I honestly don't know how she survived) to under 6 stone. Now, mum weighs just over 6 stone, which is a fabulous improvement.
Next, I would say that a forum like this means that we have a wealth of experience to draw on. Something that worked for one person may not work for another, but we can get ideas that might help with our loved ones' circumstances.
1.
Anyone who things "facilities" provide 24/7 care is delusional. A facility may have staff 24/7, but care -- in most cases it is not even close.
[I know of two "high-end" facilities that REQUIRED some residents to have 24/7 private care on top of the facility's care. Even though that is illegal unless it is spelled out in the contract, they got/get away with it. Most people don't know the law, and most people, if they can afford it, recognize those facilities are saying "we aren't going to provide the level of care you would want."]
2.
In my area, there are daycare programs for people with cognitive impairments. That is probably not true everywhere. But if it IS available, that combined with P.A.C.E., good technology and focused accommodations, and the help of family & friends can go a long way to providing an alternative to a "facility." I'm not saying it will work for every situation, or that it is perfect - but it could be a superior option.
Or that the majority of people cannot, and would not, expect friends and family to be hands-on caregivers for however long the individual lives?
Most people are aware that a facility will not have a staff member sitting next to their parent 24/7.
I have seen good care in good facilities. It is just not true that ANYTHING is better than a facility. Families who insist on keeping their elder home no matter what can end up damaging their elder more than the worst facility ever could.
There is nobody more empathetic and sympathetic to the plight of elders who are declining, particularly cognitively.
Most people seem content to lock up their elders. We even have someone here @MrNobody who claims he has been in a state-facility for 3 years and had adapted to the point where he says "pretty much enjoying each day." But notice he is computer literate and does not have dementia. There is NO comparison.
I GET that @Adulting00) can't get visit every day. That is a long haul. I can't remove guilt for his/her not showing up. I provided some suggestions (e.g. order in food, explore P.A.C.E.) and I could provide more. But based on what was shared the bottom line is @Adulting00's mother is in a place that she does not want to be - that is obvious, and probably not just related to the food.
We don't have to live forever. Death is not a bad thing in my book. Why as a society have we found institutionalization (generally "institutional neglect") acceptable for the elderly and differently-abled? And found that predatory financial scam preferable to death? I don't consider it acceptable. I wouldn't consider it acceptable for my children either. Would you? Elders, particularly cognitively challenged ones, are deserving of this?
You may not agree with my perspective. I may not agree with yours. But both are legitimate.
Have a good day.
Your insinuation that only hateful, unloving people choose to place their elder is unfounded.
Your insistence that what you did with your elder will also work for everyone else is not based in reality.
My mum finally stopped eating last autumn. The stroke she suffered 13 years ago damaged the part of her brain that controls appetite, so she doesn't feel hunger. Now, dementia has changed how food tastes. Also, she doesn't want to be bothered, and the physical sensation of food bothers her.
I thought that the reason she didn't want to drink the milkshake supplement was because of the taste, but she finally found the words to explain that it tastes okay, but she doesn't like the consistency. So, now, it's made with more milk and strained through a sieve after mixing. She still doesn't want it, but she drinks it better.
I know that you said the food in the care home isn't nice, but there may be meals she dislikes more than others so they can be avoided, or something else that would make the food more palatable. The bottom line is, there isn't another option.
You will burn yourself out if you keep going there everyday with home cooked meals. You're no good to anyone if your own health suffers. If your mum still has an appetite, it is likely that she will start to eat the food when there is no other choice. And, really, there is no other practical choice.
I agree with others that antidepressants may help. It wouldn't hurt for your mum to be given something to help lift her mood.
I know that my mum will eventually stop drinking the supplement (sometimes it takes 45 minutes for her to drink a 100ml shake). When that happens she will die. There's nothing that I can do to change that, and I have come to accept the situation. But I believe in quality of life over quantity, and I wouldn't want my mum to linger in discomfort or distress.
You need to make peace with your decision to place your mum in care. You did it for the right reasons. It isn't perfect, but that is rarely attainable. She's being looked after, she's safe, and that has to be good enough.
What I would do (and did) for my friend-companion:
* Bring her high calorie foods - that she likes: pizza, milkshakes, desserts.
* Sprinkle in some nutrition (salad, vegetables-with cheese or grated cheese).
Her being placed in a facility is MUCH MORE THAN the food. Most institutional food is just that - unless a person is in a $10,000+++ a month facility. Hopefully, then it would taste better, like a 5 star restaurant.
I would imagine you would have this same issue if she was located in another facility.
* The key is to get calories in her however you can.
& Ask to speak to the dietitian and administrator - to see what they might be able to do.
* Understandably, you cannot go everyday.
- Research / find volunteer (organization) to visit (even 3-4 days a week inbetween your visits). Have them bring her something substantial. Even a candy bar with coconut or peanuts in it. Yes, you would need to pay for this, but it certainly wouldn't cost much.
* Contact a local church.
Gena / Touch Matters
Who wants to be a LTC "facility" (aka: warehouse for the elderly; God's waiting room)? I don't. I'd rather die at home starving and in my own filth. Yes, I mean that.
In most "facilities" the food is substandard and the care is substandard. Your mom is just demonstrating that she has higher standards and rather not be there.
If you stop showing up and stop bringing food, you may help her to more quickly exit this existence.
Note 1: Packaged healthy and tasty snacks, fresh fruit, and meals delivered could help.
Note2: Could she live with you, using the P.A.C.E. program? You made no mention of why she is in a nursing home. P.A.C.E. will suffice for many people, bringing the care to one's home.
Saying if she stops showing up could lead to her mothers death is a horrible way to guilt and shame Adulting00 into not trying to resolve the issue at the home.
I have been in a state run facility for 3 years. It went from being miserable to pretty much enjoying each day.
Your post should be deleted.
Time does help, some need a lot of time to adjust. Mine maybe got there a bit after nearly 3 years. Sigh.
Talk with the dietician there (they should have one) and see if she can pick her meals for the week upcoming. That helped with my mom. She could choose a hot dog (her favorite food) for dinner every night if she'd eat it.
The advice about condiments is a good one. Assuming no dietary issues (again talk with the dietician) little pkgs of catchup, soy sauce, hot sauce, relish, mustard, lemon, etc can go a long way to "spicing up things" served if she has a favorite or a few favorites. The little pkgs require no refrigeration. Obviously salt and sugar restriction may be an issue, but you can find low sodium or items made w/"fake" sugar.
Check to see if she is having any problems with eating, go, let them bring lunch/dinner and just watch. Again my mom's favorite food was hot dogs but the long ones on a bun were too much for her to handle as she only had the use of one arm. Spaghetti (another favorite food) was too hard for her to manage or a huge sandwich. Solution: pigs in a blanket, small pasta like rigatoni or penne she could manage with a spoon, or just cold cuts rolled up with slices of bread on the side. She was too embarrassed to say she could not use a knife to cut things and things that were too big/long were hard to handle with one hand/arm.....
Rather than brining food daily, switch to once a week as a treat on a Friday if she (the nurses/aides confirmed) she ate 75% of what was provided. Maybe start with 65% and work up. Sadly, somewhat like getting a resistant kid to eat; if there is a treat (my mom's favorite was pizza or chicken tenders) then that might encourage/help her eat more of what they provide.
Find health snacks (again, check w/the dietitian) that do not require refrigeration (dried apricots, real fruit/fruit rollups, tree nuts -- almonds, walnuts). There is a great product which is almond butter (high in protein) with chocolate in individual squeeze pkts -- lots of calories in almonds assuming she likes "peanut butter." Avoid the chocolate if diabetes is a concern. High protein bars. There are other options perhaps she might like that are individually packaged that are high in protein and calories she might like.
And there are Rx meds to discuss with her MD at the NH. They ended up prescribing Mirtazapine/Remeron for my mom. It is both an appetite stimulant AND an anti-depressant. Of course I have NO idea if this specific Rx is something your mom can take; but discuss with her physician at the HR what Rx meds they can consider that might help w/both appetite and depression. Depression is very common and some folks loose interest in most things including eating.
Lastly, does she socialize? If meals can be taken in the dinning hall where there are others, this becomes a social thing and sometimes they will eat more if/when they are with the other "gals" at their favorite table. My mom sadly refused to leave her room in the 3+ years other than for the required shower in the shower room. But she finally did start eating better! Pigs in a blanket for every dinner; but she ate them.....
I wish I could show you my printed menus so you or others could see what is possible, but I dont think you can attach images,
Anyway, if you need more info, let me know.
idea! If I was in a care home I would LOVE to eat sushi OFTEN!!
Hope its going better for you both, Tashi
So many medical diets do not have any seasoning or it's canned and served as is, meaning just plain awful. I would try to find something that can be be shaked on, stored without refrigeration and create an enticing flavor.
Lemon pepper is a versatile seasoning that could be a good starting point, it's good on potatoes, livens up oatmeal, works well on meats and veggies. Just get one that doesn't have salt as it's first ingredient, those are to salty.
Best of luck finding a solution for moms nutrition and your sanity.
Stop going.
I’m not judging—I will likely end up the same due to my circumstances.
It’s a challenging thing to do yourself, but it might just be worth it for you as well as for the ‘business’.
To be frank I am not even sure how anyone eats the food where my mom is placed. I feel horrible that I had to place her but options were limited. I guess you get what you pay for.
Even ordering take out will add up. These diease sucks it is like one gaint money sink.
She has been evaluated before being placed and no one mentioned anything like that. She was doing much better at home, verse the nursing home. Been told that is normally the case and it takes time for them to adjust. Maybe I placed her too early, because I could not afford AL and medicaid does not cover it I had to go straight to SNF MC because she lacked the skilled need just for SNF, but the dementia allowed her to be placed in MC.
I just had no other options, could not afford aides, could not watch her myself, have no family left in the US. She was a wander risk.
She has a lot to be depressed about. I would not be shocked.
My dad’s facility where he did rehab after his stroke wasn’t very good.
The place where mom did her rehab had good food. Mom’s rehab facility also stored special treats like ice cream in their freezer for her when I brought it for her to enjoy.
You are going to wear yourself out if you keep going there daily to bring your mom food.
Have you discussed this situation thoroughly with staff members in her facility?
The facility that my mom did rehab would allow a person to have a sandwich if they didn’t like the hot meal that was served.
Mom and I didn’t bring food to my dad when we visited. He did manage to eat something off of his plate. If the food would have been absolutely awful, I guess my mom would have considered bringing something to him.
Does your mom’s facility allow her to have snacks in her room? Can you purchase easy nutritional snacks for her to keep in her room? Perhaps, fruit, even canned fruit in single serving containers, peanut butter and crackers, etc.
Since she is eating the food that you bring, she still has an appetite. I don’t know if I would assume that she is trying to be manipulative to get you to visit daily. What do you think?
Margaret’s idea of food delivery is another option that might help.
Talk with the staff about this again and see what feedback you get. Best wishes to you and your mom.
My mom never really liked processed foods. I did ask if I could give her a mini fridge but they said no. I snuck in a mini desk fridge that is meant to keep drinks cool. I have put snacks in that for her but it is small, but just eating fruits is not going to last. She likes things, like mango, jackfruit, durian(which I cannot bring because of the smell), apples(which I have to peel and cut, she has always eaten them that way).
I spoke with the facility and they told me they cannot force her to eat, but if it gets bad feeding tube is a option.
I have tried to eat the food myself it is bad, but my options are limited. I did speak with someone from JCC about meals on wheels and they told that program is meant for people that do not have food, not those that do have food but don't want to eat it.
As LoopyLoo indicated, many elders are quite capable of ‘games’ to make the NH option ‘unworkable’ for you.
She always prepared and cooked meals each day, even left overs were not much a thing in our house. My mom was a great cook.
She is not really a huge fan of cold meals. Outside of things like sushi and sweet things like fruit salads, cheesecakes, I would not even call those meals lol.
My grandmother had to go to a rehab for a few months after she broke her hip. It was a nice place, even she admitted that. Food was okay, but not slop either. Even so, she was mad at the whole situation and didn't think she needed the rehab. She refused to eat and of course lost weight. Refused Ensure and the like. Just dug in her heels. I'd watch her nibble on a piece of lettuce for 5 whole minutes, then she'd insist she'd eaten. She was basically on a hunger strike.
Finally her doctor sat next to her bed and asked if she'd like a feeding tube. She of course said "No!". The doctor calmly told her that he couldn't force her to get a tube. Then he told her that if she did not eat, she was going to die sooner than later. That scared her. Guess who ate half her dinner that night?
Of course that is just one possibility; it may be a whole other issue with your mother. If she's drinking the Ensure she's at least getting some nutrients and calories.