Mom lived with me 17 years. I was her primary caregiver for all those years. The last year her paranoia, fear of losing me, confusion, memory loss increased tenfold. I moved her to AL Plus one month ago as my stress level and mental health was taking a beating. She went in weighing 152 and now weighs 135. She is depressed, cries all of the time and is ready for me to pick her up. She tells me that she is sick of the place and wants me or my son to come get her. She forgets that I’ve been to see her daily. It’s just killing me to see her suffer and to tell me that she’s suffering and wants to die. She has digressed substantially physically and mentally in a month. I feel like my decision to move her to AL is a mistake that I cannot take back. This is my mother and I love her dearly. The guilt of moving her is killing me. Everyone tells me I did the right thing but to see her suffer so tells me a different story.
Ask for a meeting with the nursing and administrative directors to discuss your concerns and review your mother's care plan. Is she on anything for anxiety? Do you feel like they are taking good care of your mom?
It sounds like your mom is a bit further along than my mom. It took her about 6 weeks to adjust to her move into a dementia focused AL, and about another month to retain a sense of place, but in the last month she's really developed a little daily routine and been making herself at home there. She's lost all sense of time and forgets that she's been doing activities (we see her participating on Facebook), so she says she's bored, but reiteration about how nice the place is has transitioned into her believing that she helped choose it, so there's that. I could not have kept her with me much longer than I already had-you have done an amazing job to help your mom for as long as you did, but it sounds like her needs were overwhelming you. Hang in there.
I speak with the staff once a month at my 94 y/o mother's Memory Care AL. They let me know that lately she's having pity party for herself, complaining that the family has 'abandoned' her and she's miserable. It's not true, of course........it's dementia and a lifetime of anxiety and misery that's compelling her pity parties nowadays. The staff knows how to handle her, and her PCP sees her once a week and can adjust her meds accordingly.
My mother tells me daily that she 'should be in her own home' or that she wants to 'go home', which is typical with dementia as it advances. She doesn't even own a home, and has been in managed care since 2014. I've also heard about she 'wants to die' for many years now, but it's just talk. With your mother, it may truly be depression she's suffering from, which should be treatable but not until the doctor is informed of it. I don't think it's a 'mistake' to move an elder into AL; but there is always an adjustment period involved that isn't taken into consideration by the family. You shouldn't be feeling guilty.........but looking for a plan of action to combat what's going on.
Bring her some snacks or foods you KNOW she enjoys eating. I send Amazon snacks over to my mother and the MC keeps them in a bin for her (they don't allow food in the rooms) and the CGs bring her what she likes each day. On Sunday's, I bring her an Italian grinder sandwich or a pizza or something, and she generally likes that. Make sure you remind her that you ARE visiting daily, and then follow it up with an evening phone call to say Goodnight, I love you, just to make sure she knows you're thinking of her. Make sure the activities director gets her up and about and engaged with the other residents, and introduces her to them so she's not alone all day.
But most of all, make sure to get her PCP involved with her new behavioral issues. Dementia can take a big step DOWN all of sudden, especially when a change is involved (like a move) and there are ways to address that decline with medication. See what the doctor has to say and give it TIME! Please don't beat yourself up for doing what needed to be done! And don't worry too much about some weight loss.........it's much healthier for a person to be 135 lbs than 150+. Once she gets more acclimated to the AL, her appetite should improve, especially if she's put on anti depressants. Most elders DO need them, you know. Even my dear dad needed Zoloft when he turned 90, and he NEVER took a single drug in his life before then! He had an amazing improvement afterward, too. My mother takes enough Wellbutrin to knock out a quarter horse and she's still ornery as the day is long :)
Wishing you the best of luck getting through this rough patch.