About four years ago my much older sister had been living near my mom. My mom decided to move closer to me and so I took over her finances. We found out my sister had been stealing from the pot for quite some time, taking most of my mom's nest egg. She forged checks and took bits at a time. My mother confronted my sister, who didn’t deny it but blamed me for taking my mom away. My sister told her she’d pay her back but she never did. My mother changed her will and hasn’t spoken to my sister in three years. I thought my sister would have reached out during Covid, but she never did. My mom told me she doesn’t want my sister to know she is in hospice. I will respect her wishes but do I contact my sister after? I have mixed feelings. My bf says don’t tell her, but I know my father’s uncle (who still talks to her) will be upset if I don’t tell my sister about the death or the funeral. I’m also worried my sister will come after me once she finds out my mom disinherited her (my mother's choice, not mine). Luckily my mom met with an estate lawyer before her dementia progressed and I’m following her wishes/health directive.
But that is not your question.
Yes tell your sister.
I do believe in second chances (although my first paragraph might read differently)
I think I would give your sister a chance to make amends with mom and apologize for what she did. Talk to your mom about this. It might do them both good to do.
But if your mom really does not want her to know then tell her after mom's death but do let her know of the arrangements that are made.
WOW reading my answer it seems to be all over the place. I guess that really means there is no right or wrong answer just do what you feel is right.
At least one reason I can think of to tell her is that she won't be able to use your lack of contact as ANOTHER reason to go off on you. And if she does go off, you've told her what you needed to tell her, and you can simply say that and sign off the call with civility.
Whew...good luck with this.
He threatened him the last time he saw him, said he never wanted to see or hear from him again. Stole everything and anything he could get his hands on for decades.
So, why would I take his hate spewing about our dad when the loss hurts my heart?
Honor your moms wishes. Your sister has had 3 years to make amends, anything at this point I would question the sincerity of. Let your uncle be mad, it's not his decision to make, it's your mom's and she has spoken, she doesn't want to see your sister and that is all that matters now.
I am sorry for your impending loss.
I'm sorry you are going through such an emotional time, losing your mom. Sending you a hug & a prayer for peace.
But once she has passed away, that is a matter of public record. Your mother can't choose to keep it secret from anyone. You don't have to contact your sister as in open up a conversation with her, but you should inform her, perhaps by writing a brief letter saying simply "I'm sorry to tell you that mother died on [day, date] after being ill [say what with] for [length of time]." If you think your sister will want to attend the funeral you should give her the details for that, too.
You don't have to say anything about your mother's refusal to inform your sister that she was dying, or about the will, or about anything else. You are acting correctly, and if your sister does have any questions, you've nothing to fear from them. Just treat her decently, punishing her for whatever she did before isn't your duty.
I am sorry about this loss. I am sorry for your family. We have a similar problem in my own, and everyone has been clear to say there will be no notification, no filings of notices, and no one is responsible for notification. It is sad. It happens. I am sorry, very sorry about you coming loss.
Boy, some of us are an unforgiving bunch but I guess that comes from life experiences. Been burned too many times. And really, a child who can justify stealing from a parent has no conscious. But I have to agree that Moms wishes have to be abided by. The Uncle is not related to Mom so really has no say.
I would send a note once Mom passes informing sister that she passed and the date of the funeral. Then she has the choice to come or not come.
I so hope Mom kept proof of the theft. Sister could still contest the Will. Hard though when there is proof of wrong doing. I may even put that in the Will that sister had written checks off of Moms acct totaling $00,000 without Mom knowledge or consent and because of this, the $00,000 can be counted as sister's inheritance.
Alternately, you might ask your father's uncle to help you out and tell your sister. You don't have to explain why. That way you never told her, per your mom's wishes, but she was still told by family.
So, after your sister stole from your mom, no way is she entitled to know anything about your mom. Nor is she entitled to a penny more.
I would totally write her off and be happier without her.
Good luck.
Even with a will, if mom's assets are below this amount, you will not have to go through probate.
I wouldn't worry about the estate. She'll get nowhere contesting it.
Just to clarify, POA can not do whatever they want with the grantors money, ever.
Mom allowed a bad sibling to come visit her at the end of her life and it was a mistake. He would attend the doctor meetings with a tearful eye, “doctor, tell me how much time she has left…” and then go around the corner and make snide phone calls about the estate - within earshot.
I was sued by disinherited siblings and effectively defended the estate.
Don’t worry about the uncles and neighbors and all the others who will side with your bad sibling and criticize you and your mom.
Stand your ground, protect her and her wishes.
Send me private messages anytime.
I'm in the same pickle. Although my sisters haven't stolen from my mom, they took every valuable piece of jewelry and furniture when she asked them to help her downsize. I ended up with nothing of value. Now I've been taking care of her for years and having to clean up a 20+ year old home to get ready for sale. My sisters have been nowhere for the last five years. When I asked mom to ask them if they wanted family photos, they said no. Sure, take that diamond ring, but a photo...no!
When my father died, I notified them. Big mistake. They were a****** at the funeral. When my Aunt was dying, I notified them. Big mistake. They took over rummaged through her jewelry and I believe, no real proof, hastened her death. Then made a big stink about me cleaning out her condo and sending them anything of value. When I invited them to spread her ashes at sea, they were nowhere to be found.
When my mom dies, I'm not going to contact them. I asked the attorney to contact them when she overdosed and ended up in the hospital. When she dies, I'm not going to contact them. I don't need the drama. Actions speak louder than words. Your sister sounds like an a**, just like mine. You can't pick your family, but you can pick how much drama and attention you bring on. It's her responsibility to stay in touch with mom so she knows when she passes. It's her responsibility to apologize and pay back mom, but she hasn't. She's an a******. Don't invite a****** to funerals is my moto.
I have a younger brother who's a maritime lawyer who's a son of a gun, and didn't follow our parents will to the letter and I brought this to the attention of the New Jersey Bar Association as per the advice of my friend who worked for a law office in that state. The case is still pending due to the in depth investigation. Our brother cut our sister and myself off since 2009 because we dared challenged his 'authority'. He was named executor of our parents will which is like putting the fox in charge of the hen house. We were supposed to be included in any decisions but were marginalized.
There's more to the soap opera but that's the gist of it.
Richie
Im sorry you are having to deal with this on top of losing your mom.
Take care.
A Will with Executor...the Executor has to inform all beneficiaries and interested parties that the will has been Probated. It becomes public knowledge. They make sure debts are paid then follow wishes of the deceased.
Administrator...this happens when there is no Will. This person does the same thing as the Executor only the State determines who inherits.
Affidavit... this is done when there is no Will and the estate is less than 20k. The person getting the affidavit can pretty much do what they want. Had this with an exSIL who did not claim her brothers house in that 20k. The house was worth at least 50k as is.
So, I agree that if the estate is not large, you will not be required to probate.
I agree with James. If Mom owns a home, change the locks. I had a friend whose husband died leaving her the trailer they owned at the Shore. She happened to go down one day, and his son was taking things out of the trailer. She told him to return the items, that the trailer and the contents had been left to her.
advice from a lawyer.
Of course unsurprisingly your moms dementia didn’t set in until AFTER mom changed the will.
Of course you want to honor your moms medical wishes.
Shame on you for keeping your mother and sister apart and shame on you for doing the same thing you accused your “much older “ sister of doing.
You are stealing her inheritance.
What right does your “boyfriend” have in this matter.
He stands to benefit from your gain.
Stop being greedy and call your sister .
When you inherit. everything give half to your sister not your boyfriend.
BF has NO SAY in the matter.
When you sister took $$$ from your mother, was it to pay your mother’s bills? Or buy anything for her..like food, supplies or clothes? Were you able to do a full accounting of what sis took ..or just listened to what your mother told you? Did mother have dementia at the time of the stealing accusations? Because most dementia patients accuse their caregivers …especially if they’re family members…of stealing. I would tell sister anyway about mother..then say when she arrives…sis is here..would you like to see her? Hugs 🤗
There are many ways to see any given situation..
At the end of the day the guilt you are expressing about your sister is your Higher self letting you know there is a better way
Whatever you decide, "the greatest good for the greatest number of people" is alway the best way"
Peace out.