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Make an appointment THIS WEEK for your Mom. This is a sudden change and you may be dealing with a urinary tract infection. You may be seeing the result of a recent small stroke. Any sudden change is reportable to the MD.
One way to get past it is to find her a care facility where all her needs will be met by trained professionals. It’s very difficult to keep someone with these health issues in the home, and one person can’t handle it all. Best of luck in getting the help that she now needs.
Unless you already know a medical reason for the sudden decline in function, she needs to be seen by her doctor for an updated evaluation as that’s a huge change in such a short time. I’ve seen and cleaned both my parents in adult undergarments. There’s nothing easy about it, it’s a huge shift in the parent-adult child dynamic. You really have to change yourself to see them as a fellow human in need, and simply have compassion for them in that vulnerable position of needing such help. None of us knows what the future holds for ourselves and it may be you or I in such need one day. I’d personally hope to have professional help in such a circumstance and hope you’ll look into this if you haven’t already
You are totally right. It changes the dynamics. You hit the nail on the head. It is more than a simple human in need tho. I mean, I don't think I can clean, change a stranger, maybe that aspect of "a human in need" might kick in but I certainly hope I don't end up having to do that but my mom.. well is my mom..
My mother had a sudden decline after being hospitalized and overmedicated almost 2 years ago. Admitted with normal cognition, came home in diapers, with a catheter. Both are now gone, she uses the bathroom unassisted. No changes to her previous MRI or CT scans.
How did you get her back to being independent? My mom is in a rehab and in diapers now and I don't know where to turn. She does not have money for home care. So happy for you and your mom.
My issue also. Wow..rough to watch and take care of. My moms cognition changed drastically after this Jan hospital and rehab stay. She has Lewy. Her MD says this is fairly typical with advanced elderly. 60 days later and she remains quite confused.
Hi.. I understand your concern. I am a primary care giver to my mom. That means the whole thing. Bathing, cleaning her up, changing soiled pull ups constantly, feeding.. everything. Yes I have attendants here and there but mainly they are unreliable but that's another story.
Read what daughterof1930 said. She is correct..
I hope one day. We hope to have someone like myself, you, daughterof1930 give, attend to just like we did when and if we get to that point..
I simply say this to myself.. She (my mom) took care of me when I couldn't.. now I take care of her when she can't..
I had to get passed the thought of having to see her and clean her but... thats my mom. I got passed that. You will too but it won't be easy but it can be done. I'm a testament to that.
Kudos to you for being a caregiver for your mom. I am also a son who did the same. It was uncomfortable at first when it became clear she needed more assistance going to the bathroom. She very rarely complained when I wiped her behind and put Calmoseptine on to prevent pressure ulcers. This happened three times a day, and more if needed (Clean pull-ups everytime). Most of the time I would give her wipes or a warm cloth to clean her front, but sometimes I helped. With the pull-ups, I would say, "You pull-up the front, I'll pull-up the the back." The process worked.
Many times I asked her, "Do you mind that I do this?" Her response was "No." She was always an independent woman, and I suspect it did bother her somewhat. What made things much easier was having a portable commode in the bedroom, with some pads placed underneath in case there was an accident. Clean pads and sheets on her bed daily. Exhausting work, but worth it knowing she was as clean as possible every day. She lived to age 93, and I am content knowing I did my best for her.
I have found that detaching myself from the parent/child relationship, and simply treating her with respect and compassion has helped me get through the situations that would have barriers otherwise. I agree with others, that she took care of me when I could not take care of myself. I realize she only trusts her personal care to me, for that I feel honored.
I agree with others in saying, make an appointment for a full evaluation but be sure you go in with her. She can only answer the questions as to how she feels on the inside but you can answer the questions as to how she appears on the outside. It takes both views for a provider to see the complete picture. In the meantime, please refer to the "diapers" as briefs or another more appropriate name to help her feel more comfortable if she needs to continue using them.
You think of it as "This is what we are doing now.". It would be a little easier if she were not your own mother. You are having to deal with the task itself plus feeling grief at your mother's decline. Cleaning and changing her needs to be done, and you can focus on doing it well. It can even give you a sense of satisfaction to be able to help your mother be as clean and healthy as you can help her be.
Like MJCaregiver said, I too detached from the parent-child relationship and did what was needed to keep mom and the house clean. She's on hospice now after a fall and refusal to cooperate in the rehab. I hate that she has just given up and seems so comfortable being bedbound. I too was shocked and horrified when mom got incontinent and would rave and rant about the mess and her worsening condition. Then one day my husband cleaned up her poop without grumbling - since I was so frozen with shock. From then on, I have tried to be compassionate and "do what is needed to get thru the day and get to Netflix asap."
I also have private aides for a few hours who change her diaper and the hospice nurse and aide come by twice a week. It did take me a long time to accept that hiring aides was now imperative and it was money well- spent to get my life back and not get sucked into the cycle of bitterness, anger and sorrow.
Good luck to you - this forum has been a lifesaver for me
You don’t my wife has been bed bound for 2 years and is in diapers. I change her 3 or more times a day. Not my favorite job. The alternative is to put her I a care facility but that would be mental torture for her. We tried once in the past. Just know that change comes in the future.
This is a very difficult change and I agree with the other posters that it has happened quickly. My mom already had sitters before she was bed bound so I only occasionally had to clean her up. I know she felt unhappy and embarrassed but I tried to make light of it. None of these personal duties are easy but I just wanted her to be clean and well cared for.
To give better answers, did something happen to her (like a fall or illness) or was this just a fast decline for no real reason? Was she feeling bad and you used the diapers to make it easier than getting her up to go to the bathroom? I ask that because commonly a diaper is slapped on an elderly person at a hospital, rehab, or NH to make it easier for staff (so they don't have to spend what would be more time getting someone out of bed, onto a pot, and back to bed). Once the diaper is put on, your brain puts up some resistance because it's not normal. After several days of the brain allowing you to pee or poop in your pants, that becomes the new normal.
If the diaper started as a convenience for you or for her, you have only been at it for a very short time and bladder/bowels can be retrained to hold it long enough to get to a toilet. You may have to start with a bedside toilet, but it can be done.
Why did she take to the bed? If it was just a sudden change in health and behavior for no other apparent reason, get her to the doctor. Rule out UTI because that sort of infection can do over night changes in mental and physical ability. If you know what the health problem is, talk to the doctor about getting some home health in there to work with her physically to see if they can get her moving again. As I said earlier, a bed side toilet can help you dramatically to get the poop out of the pants/bed and back where it belongs.
If your mother went down that fast in a month there's something wrong physically, psychologically, or both. I'll tell you the truth about getting used to a person crapping in a diaper. You never really get used to it. I was an in-home caregiver (mostly to elderly) for 25 years and have cleaned more ancient can then I can even remember. What does happen when you've been doing it for a while is it's just gross but not shocking anymore. You just clean them and it up. I always wore gloves, a plastic apron, and a mask. You're lucky if you aren't the person who has to change and clean her. Take her to the doctor though because to go from living an independent life to being bedbound and in a diaper within a month's time means there's something wrong.
You are an owner of a caregiver service (as you say) so you should know better. Please refer to adults using / wearing disposable underwear, not 'diapers.'
Be aware of making (incorrectly) "you" statements. You do not know who will / can do what. What you are speaking about is your experience. Please use "I" statements.
If she has one of the more aggressive dementias like vascular(the most aggressive with a life expectancy of only 5 years)or Lewy Body's(5-7 years life expectancy),that quick of a change is not necessarily all that uncommon. And incontinence is one of many of the symptoms of dementia as well. If you yourself are having a hard time having to change her and clean her up, then it's best you hire in home help(with moms money)or start looking for the appropriate facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care she needs and you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate. I wish you both well.
You won't "get used" to these changes, Dianne. They are heartbreaking. You are struck with grief at seeing one you love losing herself a piece at a time.
I am assuming if this was a very very sudden change that you have been in touch with your Mom's doctor.
As an RN I did nursing when we did what they called "total care". That is to say no CNA, just the RN having fewer patients than they would have if they HAD a CNA. Given that patients were mostly elderly, many were incontinent. It somehow and for some reason never bothered me UNLESS the patients themselves were aware, and were bothered. Then the indignity they suffer is heartbreaking. I am hoping your Mom is not aware, is not feeling shame; that will make it easier for you, I hope.
If may soon be time to consider putting Mom into in-facility 24/7 care, and pay visits, while attempting to get on with your own life you should feel no guilt or shame for that, either. You will feel grief, and it is worth grieving over.
It is so dreadfully sad to see a person still living in the shell you recognize, but utterly changed due to the shrinkage and loss of matter in the brain. There is nothing to do but grieve and endure as best you can, with whatever support you can find.
I am so very sorry. You are far from alone, but that knowledge alone cannot help you. My heart goes out to you.
I took care of my husband for 11 years with dementia. I called his Depends, disposable underwear. It helped him because Depends came in different styles so neither of us felt bad. It is quite an adjustment for you and I trust you will be able to get through this difficult time. I always felt honored to take care of my husband but had he lived another day our situation would have required care I could not provide. God bless you and may you be guided by him as you walk through this experience.
Diannelc: I'm so sorry that your mother unfortunately suffers from dementia as you state in your profile and as a result, has difficulty toileting and must wear adult diapers. You don't get used to the disease as it relates to seeing your mother wear the protection. Hugs sent.
It took a little time, but I got over it. It’s part of life. My mom also quickly got over it. She knew she was being cared for. We reassured her that we only wanted her to smell good. When changing her Depends, we just told her we were putting on fresh, clean underwear. It is part of life.
See it as an illness. This is something she would not choose for herself if she could avoid it. She would avoid having you deal with this - if she could. She can't help that she needs this kind of care. Best as gentle, kind and loving as you would if she was your little child and needed this type of care. Then, deal with the diaper change matter of factly and get on with the next part of the day. Room sprays to deal with odors can also be helpful.
First, rephrase your (thoughts and) words to 'disposal underwear. It shows respect to an older person. Children wear diapers.
* I understand how difficult this is. * Who is this person? your client? your friend? your parent?
* Get her medically assessed (not getting out of bed - at all). Why? When you know why, you can address more of her needs (which do you not allude to here - are you concerned about why she doesn't get out of bed or did you mean to just ask one specific question? In any case,
This is hard. Can you get caregiver(s) in to manage this level of care. Some family members cannot handle it.
Is she ready to go into assisted living or some type of facility? Is this possible?
I don't know if there is an easy answer to 'get past seeing her soil herself.' This is heartbreaking to witness aside from the obvious need to clean her up. I wouldn't suggest you 'try' to see past' it - rather figure out how you can manage her care with others rather than doing yourself (many caregivers do this all the time). It seems worth the expense for you to have someone come over 1-2 x / day for an hour (if possible) to change her.
Be aware of what she eats and when so you can 'try' to time the need to change her. This will be more important when you schedule caregiver(s), if you do.
No, it's not the same. A baby ( a tiny human) is helpless and depends on an adult to change diapers....and as a mom you do it willingly and without hesitation. It's a different scenario when an adult (not a tiny human) needs the same assistance with bodily functions. It's hard to adjust when YOU are the one who needs to do a complete role reversal. As a daughter, it's difficult to accept and it's difficult to get past it. A lot of us can, many do. not. It does not help to shame someone for looking for help and advice.
Does seem a very sudden change to only one month ago. Any medical reason found?
If no cure can be found, aim to contain instead. Using the right products & equipment can make things easier.
My LO has become double incontinent. I have accepted they have no control over this. I have also accepted they appear to have limited insight regarding the difficulties this presents.
Re: "A baby (a tiny human) is helpless and depends on an adult to change diapers." --------------------------------------- An adult who has lost their ability to care for themselves is ALSO helpless and depends on an adult to change their diaper. Babies are not the only helpless ones in society.
I'm not shaming anyone - I'm being direct and not coddling the person who posted. If someone does not want to change their parent's adult diaper (or even be aware of it) then get a home health aide or ship them off to a nursing home. You either do it or you don't.
Dianne seems more concerned with being grossed out or shocked than her mom's sudden decline, as others have pointed out. Dianne needs to accept that this is her mom's condition and certain things go with it. A shred of compassion would be nice.
With all due respect to the posters who are reacting so strongly to the use of the word "diapers" - you are assuming that posters are using the word everywhere - not just here. Personally I'm not following my FIL around in the middle of a restaurant yelling "It's time to change your diaper!" - THAT is disrespectful certainly. This is a forum for caregivers who are here to discuss CAREGIVER needs. CAREGIVER questions. They are here for help. Why does it matter what words are used to ask their questions, to convey their needs. The last thing someone needs when they are asking how to help their loved one is to be chastised for their word choice. It's sort of beating someone when they are down. It's like saying "Hey, you are trying your best to take care of the person you love, but you are doing a crap job because you aren't saying the right words,"
I do believe that word choices matter - but at the same time -to that point -timing also matters. And when someone is asking for HELP - maybe that isn't the best time to pick apart their words.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
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came home in diapers, with a catheter. Both are now gone, she uses the bathroom unassisted. No changes to her previous MRI or CT scans.
Read what daughterof1930 said. She is correct..
I hope one day. We hope to have someone like myself, you, daughterof1930 give, attend to just like we did when and if we get to that point..
I simply say this to myself.. She (my mom) took care of me when I couldn't.. now I take care of her when she can't..
I had to get passed the thought of having to see her and clean her but... thats my mom. I got passed that. You will too but it won't be easy but it can be done. I'm a testament to that.
Im her son.
Many times I asked her, "Do you mind that I do this?" Her response was "No." She was always an independent woman, and I suspect it did bother her somewhat. What made things much easier was having a portable commode in the bedroom, with some pads placed underneath in case there was an accident. Clean pads and sheets on her bed daily. Exhausting work, but worth it knowing she was as clean as possible every day. She lived to age 93, and I am content knowing I did my best for her.
I agree with others, that she took care of me when I could not take care of myself. I realize she only trusts her personal care to me, for that I feel honored.
This 'disposal underwear' should be a tag line on the AgingCare website.
I also have private aides for a few hours who change her diaper and the hospice nurse and aide come by twice a week. It did take me a long time to accept that hiring aides was now imperative and it was money well- spent to get my life back and not get sucked into the cycle of bitterness, anger and sorrow.
Good luck to you - this forum has been a lifesaver for me
A child wears diapers.
Changing how you think of these words shows respect to your wife.
If the diaper started as a convenience for you or for her, you have only been at it for a very short time and bladder/bowels can be retrained to hold it long enough to get to a toilet. You may have to start with a bedside toilet, but it can be done.
Why did she take to the bed? If it was just a sudden change in health and behavior for no other apparent reason, get her to the doctor. Rule out UTI because that sort of infection can do over night changes in mental and physical ability. If you know what the health problem is, talk to the doctor about getting some home health in there to work with her physically to see if they can get her moving again. As I said earlier, a bed side toilet can help you dramatically to get the poop out of the pants/bed and back where it belongs.
I'll tell you the truth about getting used to a person crapping in a diaper.
You never really get used to it. I was an in-home caregiver (mostly to elderly) for 25 years and have cleaned more ancient can then I can even remember. What does happen when you've been doing it for a while is it's just gross but not shocking anymore.
You just clean them and it up. I always wore gloves, a plastic apron, and a mask. You're lucky if you aren't the person who has to change and clean her.
Take her to the doctor though because to go from living an independent life to being bedbound and in a diaper within a month's time means there's something wrong.
Be aware of making (incorrectly) "you" statements.
You do not know who will / can do what. What you are speaking about is your experience. Please use "I" statements.
If you yourself are having a hard time having to change her and clean her up, then it's best you hire in home help(with moms money)or start looking for the appropriate facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care she needs and you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate.
I wish you both well.
I am assuming if this was a very very sudden change that you have been in touch with your Mom's doctor.
As an RN I did nursing when we did what they called "total care". That is to say no CNA, just the RN having fewer patients than they would have if they HAD a CNA. Given that patients were mostly elderly, many were incontinent. It somehow and for some reason never bothered me UNLESS the patients themselves were aware, and were bothered. Then the indignity they suffer is heartbreaking. I am hoping your Mom is not aware, is not feeling shame; that will make it easier for you, I hope.
If may soon be time to consider putting Mom into in-facility 24/7 care, and pay visits, while attempting to get on with your own life you should feel no guilt or shame for that, either. You will feel grief, and it is worth grieving over.
It is so dreadfully sad to see a person still living in the shell you recognize, but utterly changed due to the shrinkage and loss of matter in the brain. There is nothing to do but grieve and endure as best you can, with whatever support you can find.
I am so very sorry. You are far from alone, but that knowledge alone cannot help you. My heart goes out to you.
It shows respect to an older person. Children wear diapers.
* I understand how difficult this is.
* Who is this person? your client? your friend? your parent?
* Get her medically assessed (not getting out of bed - at all). Why?
When you know why, you can address more of her needs (which do you not allude to here - are you concerned about why she doesn't get out of bed or did you mean to just ask one specific question? In any case,
This is hard.
Can you get caregiver(s) in to manage this level of care.
Some family members cannot handle it.
Is she ready to go into assisted living or some type of facility?
Is this possible?
I don't know if there is an easy answer to 'get past seeing her soil herself.'
This is heartbreaking to witness aside from the obvious need to clean her up.
I wouldn't suggest you 'try' to see past' it - rather figure out how you can manage her care with others rather than doing yourself (many caregivers do this all the time). It seems worth the expense for you to have someone come over 1-2 x / day for an hour (if possible) to change her.
Be aware of what she eats and when so you can 'try' to time the need to change her. This will be more important when you schedule caregiver(s), if you do.
My heart goes out to you.
Gena / Touch Matters
----------------------------------------
The same way your mom "got past it" when she had to change your diapers. Just DO it. And realize this is not about you - it's about her needs.
If no cure can be found, aim to contain instead. Using the right products & equipment can make things easier.
My LO has become double incontinent. I have accepted they have no control over this. I have also accepted they appear to have limited insight regarding the difficulties this presents.
---------------------------------------
An adult who has lost their ability to care for themselves is ALSO helpless and depends on an adult to change their diaper. Babies are not the only helpless ones in society.
I'm not shaming anyone - I'm being direct and not coddling the person who posted. If someone does not want to change their parent's adult diaper (or even be aware of it) then get a home health aide or ship them off to a nursing home. You either do it or you don't.
Dianne seems more concerned with being grossed out or shocked than her mom's sudden decline, as others have pointed out. Dianne needs to accept that this is her mom's condition and certain things go with it. A shred of compassion would be nice.
This is a forum for caregivers who are here to discuss CAREGIVER needs. CAREGIVER questions. They are here for help. Why does it matter what words are used to ask their questions, to convey their needs. The last thing someone needs when they are asking how to help their loved one is to be chastised for their word choice. It's sort of beating someone when they are down. It's like saying "Hey, you are trying your best to take care of the person you love, but you are doing a crap job because you aren't saying the right words,"
I do believe that word choices matter - but at the same time -to that point -timing also matters. And when someone is asking for HELP - maybe that isn't the best time to pick apart their words.