Due to my mom having emergency surgery in 2017, she ended up moving out of her home state to live with my husband and I. Nothing was ever preplanned and my mom’s health was declining before her surgery.
My sister was the only one helping her back home but, after the surgery my mom needed more care. She didn’t want to stay with me until she recovered so it left the burden on my sister. It ended up being a five month hardship on my sister. My sister has a family and she works.
Long story short...my mom is with me and has been with my husband and I for almost four years.
I have organized all medical needs and insurance. My sister continued to make money transactions for my mom and I would do her shopping using her debit card. Now, my mom wants to follow her lawyers advice.
The only problem is, my sister doesn’t want to take her name off my moms savings account, and the bank she deals with is NOT in our state. My mom has been trying to work with my sister to remove her name and the bank is telling my mom, she has to be there to sign paperwork. My mom is unable to travel and do business like this and she doesn’t want to change banks.
My mom is 86. It takes her time to adjust to changes and new ways of doing things.
Now my sister has cut off ALL communication because my mom asked her to go to the bank and have her name removed. I’m staying out of the middle as much as I can. I’m only helping my mom if she asks me to.
How can I help my mom make an easy transaction without her getting confused or feeling someone is taking advantage of her? All she has to do is move the bulk of her savings to another account in her name! She can add her beneficiary on it if she wants. I’m worried about how I’m going to take care of her wishes to be buried back home when the time comes too. How do I access her funds if needed to do these things?
I feel like time is short because she is getting confused and it takes her days if not months to settle her mind on things.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My mind tells me it’s time to talk to her doctor. She seems to be herself at times but, she has short term memory. I find myself repeating things she normally would remember. Everything has to be routine and we can’t multi task anymore. She’s also hearing music in her head. She tells me it’s all the time, songs she knows. It only stops when she is engaged in something like, a movie or conversation.
Thanks so much for your advice. It was really helpful.❤️
Id try to get this done soon. Both for not having dementia issues creep up for mom BUT also get it done before the Fall wave of Covid hits and banks close down their lobbies again. Your mom will have to in person speak and meet with a bank officer 1-on-1. So think what might need to happen to prep mom to be ok for this. Like early morning and she goes to the beauty shoppe the day before. Bank will have all the forms needed to move her old accounts & get $ wired in and do a fresh direct deposit for her SS$ as well. Sissy can go to a branch in her town and fill out the forms needed to add her signature.
Have you looked into a preneed funeral & burial? Really you should. Doing an out of state transfer will be costly (unless it’s a cremation). Just like with the banks, I’d try to find a funeral home that has an affiliation with one in her old hometown and you get the planning and downpayment set up now. It sounds like mom would find this tooo too challenging, so you need to gird up and do this on your own or take a no-nonsense friend with you. The preneed do not cover florals, so speak with Sissy about her being ok of taking care of that aspect.
We have all funeral arrangements paid for and planned out except, funding out if there will be any changes due to COVID. My mom has her mind set on getting things done but your so right about getting the extras done now.
Your advise is very helpful!❤️
On the other hand, if Sister is doing a good job (and she should be doing a monthly accounting for Mom of assets in and expenditures out and keeping dedicated folders for receipts and payments), then there is no reason sister cannot give Mom an "allowance account". My brother, when he was diagnosed with a probably early Lewy's asked me to be his POA for health and financial and to be Trustee of his Trust. I did everything by long distance, with a bank with branches in both our cities; he had a personal account and his charge card (which I paid, along with all other bills). I sent him a monthly accounting. He said it was a great relief to of him.
Does your Mom want to re-assume taking care of all her banking, taxes and etc? Does she want you to do it? Does she get an accounting? Is there any question that Sister is not doing a good job? Mom can put her savings in any number of accounts with POD, or Pay on Death to any surviver she chooses. But does she want to resume doing her own checks and etc, her own bills?
In any case, if there is a branch in your area of this bank, go there. If Mom has her name on this account she should go to a bank and discuss having her account changed to their bank. If you are talking any assets of some amount they will assign a money manager to be your personal banker and help with these questions, and make suggestions. Were you in attendance with the attorney and do you know his reasoning?
You say that your Mom doesn't want to change banks. If this is her account, under her own social security number, she has a right to transfer it any way she likes and this, in this day and age is done regularly with the identification papers they already have, with notarization of signature papers and etc. It is in fact done between countries often enough. The bank will have a way; speak to the bank officer. If they will not assist then Mom will have to do a wire transfer, and this will work to get the money to your area UNLESS the bank account is in both names, both signatures required for withdrawal. All papers on accounts differ a bit.
Good luck. Speak with the bank officer with Mom at your side.
But again, Sister will not be paying Mom's bills if this is the case, and it puts more problems into play.
Good luck.
Hope you'll update us.
You have given me some great advice.
My mom’s banking is pretty simple. She’s been taking care of paying her own bills so she feels she can do her own transactions. Last month was the first time she did it on her own. That was just to move money over to pay her bills and have funds for home. She is comfortable with doing it over the phone.
Her mind is set on my sister NOT handling her transactions just to do what she is able to do now. She just wants us on her accounts as beneficiaries.
When we went to her lawyer it was at a time we needed to go over her Will and find out about Long Term Care. This is when my mother told the lawyer about wanting to handle her own account, now that she is with me. I was happy about my sister handling her accounts but something happened or was said, and my mother doesn’t trust her to handle her funds for important transactions. I just need to find out if being power of attorney in her Will gives me rights to take over her affairs if / when needed.
At this point she’s ok with handling her account.
When she has questions or trouble, she’ll come to me.
Its been a long four years and it’s really hard to deal with mom trusting us to help her when it comes to money.
One thing I learned is to plan for long term care because, I don’t want my daughter going through this with me. Lol
Thanks again...❤️
I plan to followup with our elder lawyer too.❤️