Fast forward to now. At this point I am just now ending the second week with my new job. We still haven’t really been given any work to do at this point. Which feels so strange. It’s like why do I have to be at work, with nothing to do. Really? But it’s a salaried job, so I am not punching a clock anymore. So if I have nothing to do, why am I here? They keep saying they will have us shadow other employees soon, but who knows when soon is.
This week also my Aunt who was still with my mom at this point, got some news. My cousin has breast cancer. So now my mom’s sister has to choose between her sister, and her daughter. Of course she chooses her daughter. So she had to leave my mom.
On top of this, my mom’s boyfriend gets into a car accident. It was a hit and run. Totaled the car. For once the police actually found the person who hit him. But this left him with a messed up shoulder and his leg in a cast. He is refusing physical therapy.
My brother is a schizophrenic. My mom was actually his care taker. He can barely take care of himself due to his illness. Also years ago due to whatever or however many laws he broke, and court summons he ignored, he lost his driver’s license. He cannot legally reapply for his driver’s license until he is 39 or 40 years old. He is still about 3 or 4 years away from that. He still is there and tries to do what he can, but without being able to drive and being barely functional on his own, there’s not much he can do, or understand.
So quickly the supportive people that were there for my mom, no longer are. As I said before my parents are divorced. I haven’t spoken to my dad in…I don’t know how many years, and I do not want to still. I really will never want to. Somehow he found out about my mom’s cancer and is basically try to use this to talk to me. That’s how low of a person he is. Why do I not want to talk to him? Well the main reason my parents got divorced is essentially because he publically beat my mom. I have no room in my life for anyone who thinks this type of behavior is okay or normal, and he does. He acts as if he did nothing wrong.
So yes. I have researched into Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and apparently you can only use this once you have worked for a place for a year or more. As this is only my second week of work, I couldn’t use this. I have no PTO as well. If I had a laptop I could just go. But I don’t.
Then on top of all of this I feel like I am getting conflicting information from different people. I try to call my mom and it goes straight to voice mail. I text her, and she says everything is fine. She is just tired. I tell her, she can call me and tell me anything. She says she will call when she has something to say. But I have other things to talk about too. Not every conversation we have has to be about her cancer. I tell my mom everything. I basically have no friends, outside of my boyfriend, and he is a fixer. Sometimes I don’t want a fix, just want someone to vent to. My mom was that person. But she won’t talk to me.
Then today my Aunt calls me. She asks me how my new job is going. I tell her that we aren’t really doing anything yet. Then she asks me when I think I can take time off to be with my mom. I tell her I don’t know. I tell her about what I found out about FMLA, and that I have no PTO, and that my benefits do not start until next month. She tells me about having to go to be with her daughter, which I understand. I tell her that if I knew before I quit my last job, I wouldn’t have quit. I would have been able to be there, and it wouldn’t be a big deal. But I didn’t know. She tells me, that my mom’s boyfriend is in a cast and cannot drive. That my mom is in a lot of pain, and that she keeps crying and saying she wants me there. Then she says she was going to contact my mom’s and her mutual friend to stay with her. I don’t respond. Eventually my Aunt says that she needs to go, and we end the call.
Please look for part 4.
I had breast cancer. You don't need your mother there for Breast Cancer. I had a partner there and friends. They helped me through. My mother was more than 1,000 miles away.
You don't need to be there. Your mother has a partner. They will handle this.l
Your mother doesn't even TALK to you?
But you will give up job and life to -----------------
to WHAT?
Leave this to your mother and her own support group. Let her know you are there if she wishes to talk to you. Wish your cousin good luck with her breast cancer (I am 36 years out from my own treatment).
Carry on with your own life and your own job in your own place.
To clarify:
You don't know what your Mother's actual cancer diagnosis is. FYI in my years of experience with doctors and medical treatment, your oncologist doesn't tell you you have generic cancer. So, whoever is passing the info on to you doesn't seem to have a grip on things. There's not much you can do in the absence of facts because you'll expend a lot of energy in probably the wrong places.
Your Mother doesn't seem to want to talk to you much. So stop chasing her down. From your narrative it doesn't seem like you hounding her has changed her willingness to talk much to you. So why do it? Are you trying to prove to people that you're filial? Save this energy as well.
Consider purchasing a MacBook from the Apple Store. I just did this past summer and was qualified for their Apple Card, which allowed me to make very small monthly payments on it over several years, with no money down. Or, buy a used one on craigslist.org or from Nextdoor.com.
Also, if you are not your Mom's PoA then you cannot make your Mom do anything she doesn't want to: go to doctors, get treatment, stop drinking and using, etc. I get that feeling powerless while watching a trainwreck in slo-mo is painful for you, but for some things there just aren't solutions and you will need to practice having peace about this.
Maybe it would be best to help her by finding local resources for her. But again, you said you don't even know what kind of cancer she has, what treatment options are available, if she'll do any of it, and what her prognosis is. If you knew any of this, I'd recommend finding the number for social services for her county and passing that along to her. Again, she may not act on it and you can't make her.
Consider waiting until you know actual facts. Stay in your job for a while (as a former employer nothing was more stressful than hiring someone then them needing some sort of leave right away. This adds to financial pressures and stresses out coworkers who have to do their job in their absence). It's not a strong start, so you need to protect this. The cancer journey can be a marathon, so you may need to preserve your leave for a later date.