My husband in MC is becoming demanding about visits. Any advice?

Try to chalk it up to his Dementia. Just keep telling yourself that. He will continue to decline and hopefully he will forget how to use tge phone. They never remember you have been there. They will say you haven't been there for a week but you were there yesterday. They have no conception of time. Eventually their days will run into each other. You are just going to have to ignore his many calls. I would think being 15 min away you are there almost every day. You are his constant and familiar.

I see this happening with my DH and I. Because of his lifelong hearing problem, he tends to be an introvert. We rarely socialize and thats OK. We enjoy each other's company. He has his golf and I have friends I go out to eat with. I can see me being in your position one day. And I do not do needy well. Or being shadowed.

You maybe visiting too much, rather than not enough.

It sounds as though he has not fully embraced his circumstances and placed trust in his current caregivers rather than depending on you, especially since “he behaves very calmly with the staff”.

In trying to to do “the best” for him, you MAY be accepting 2nd best for yourself, and that’s not good for either of you.

Cutback, on phone contact AND visits, and see what happens. If he misbehaves when you leave, say “I’ll be back soon”, turn around, and walk out.

YOU are having a bigger problem than he is, and that isn’t helping either of you. Try something else. The staff will help you decide what helps hm and what doesn’t.

His doctor is terrible. If you're bad enough to be in memory care, then the first explanation for any behavior should be the dementia.

Nonetheless, you do what you can to set some boundaries. Tell your husband (every day if necessary) that you can't jump everytime he calls nor can you spend all day there.

You have things to do, and husbands often don't see you doing those things even if they're around. My husband famously asked me "what do you DO all day??" when he was working and would come home to find me pacing with a colicky baby and no dinner on the table. So, one day I wrote down what I did all day and when I did it, and I didn't do one activity longer than three minutes, including eating, showering, or using the bathroom. I had a BABY who cried eight hours a day!

Anyway, my point is, tell your husband that you have things to do that preclude you being over there all the time. He, too, has things to do like going to the activities in his MC, writing down his life story for posterity (who cares if it's accurate), and numerous other things. Tell HIM to get busy, and you'll visit when you visit.

My mother with dementia manipulated me all day long, as long as I'd tolerate it, to be perfectly honest with you! Until and unless a dementia patient is VERY advanced with the dementia, they CAN and often DO manipulate those who are closest to them. His doctor is likely spot on with what he's saying here! Dementia doesn't mean they can no longer push our buttons! When the dementia reaches a very advanced stage, however, when they are no longer comprehending words, THEN they're no longer capable of manipulation. If your husband is not at that stage yet, which I assume he's not b/c of what you state he's capable of still doing, then assume he's badgering you successfully for a purpose: the purpose is for you to visit him 24/7 and/or to take him back home with you. Not so far fetched, is it?

That said, don't listen to those voice mails. Doing so serves NO useful purpose. Let them pile up and then DELETE them all. One by one. Call DH ONE time per day and don't make excuses for why you're not going to visit him or staying longer: just change the subject and divert him. When he gets super ramped up and angry, tell him someone is at the door or another call is coming thru and sorry, you've got to go. Then hang up the phone, and put it on vibrate. Let the rest of the calls go to voice mail and delete the messages. He will be just as insistent & relentless as humanly possible; that's what the disease does to a person. You don't have to subject yourself to that insistence, however: try to remember that.

There are TWO people here who's lives have been turned upside down due to dementia: His and YOURS. Why is your life less important than his? It isn't. Yet you are getting chronic stomach aches trying to figure out how to deal with his histrionics. Granted, it's terrible to be dealing with a loved on in Memory Care; I did it with my mother for nearly 3 years. She had horrible things to say to me, and no matter HOW much I did for her, it too was 'never enough' & it left me feeling drained & exhausted. Depleted is a better word. Decide ahead of time what you'll do for DH and then stick to your guns. Don't let him deter you from doing what YOU know is right for YOU. His dementia is calling the shots, meaning he's coming at you with a broken brain. So in his mind, nothing IS ever 'good enough' and that is not going to change. Most times he'll forget you were even THERE when you go to visit, so asking you why you 'hardly ever' visit is valid in HIS mind. Don't take it personally, what he says to you, in other words. Do what you do for him from the heart, and let the rest go.

Think about bringing DH a snack or a small gift when you do go visit. Something to keep him distracted. I used to do that with mom (she passed in Feb) and stay for about 45 minutes. If she got angry before then, DH & I would leave. We'd refuse to subject ourselves to her anger & foul words, so we'd vamoose if things turned ugly.

As she deteriorated with her dementia, she mellowed out. The ugly viciousness started to disappear and mom became kinder and nicer, thank God. The disease just made her forget about who she 'hated' and who 'did her wrong' and all the grudges she'd held against others, fortunately. I hope your DH calms down too as time passes. I hate dementia with every ounce of my being, and for how it destroys ALL of us, not just the patient. I hope you can look after yourself during this difficult time b/c you matter too.

Wishing you all the best.

This isn't going to help the manipulation, and while really is only a tangental piece of advice, the RAZ gives you a little more control that you wouldn't otherwise have.

1) Set the RAZ phone for quite hours to a more random setting. Instead of setting them for sleeping every night, set some for earlier in the day or all day on a couple of days of the week. Then you can schedule medical visits, naps, etc. during those hours.

2) Record a new voice mail greeting on your phone. Make it personalized to say something like "This is Earthgrammy. I can see that you called and will call back when my phone is turned back on. I had to turn it off while I shower/do dishes/housework/sleep/am in the bathroom" Whatever makes it seem like the phone is in charge.

which leads to...

3) You can tell him because his new phone and your phone are smartphones and automatically know when the other one isn't able to be reached because it is off/sleeping/left in your purse/whatever works. Blame it on glitchy technology.

And with that comes...

I personally once a week (day if necessary) go online and review our LO's RAZ call logs. That allows us to listen to only the first few seconds of the multiple voice mails. Then if they are all identical, we just delete them as we go. That's what we do with our LO's repetitive voicemails and it works quickly and easily.

As for being there constantly, you can always say "no not happening". No happens to be a complete sentence. Then change the subject. When he comes back to it and throws the tantrum -- he will -- then you repeat ad nauseam "no, not happening" and again, change the subject. When you must leave, say goodbye and leave. Don't give reasons, because, in his mind, the reason is never going to be real, never going to be enough, and will be used against you just because he can -- as in his mind he is always right and you are always wrong.

Finally, if he has nothing better to do than hit the call button over and over and over and over, I suggest going about your life by ignoring the behavior. Eventually, your voice mail will fill up, and until you delete some, he won't even be able to leave those.

Hes your spouse and is only 15 min away in memory care, do you mind if I ask apr what his and your age is?

I worked as a psychologist for years. The term that someone was "manipulating" always annoyed me. We all try to get our way, but if we are limited by youth, dementia, etc. it is obvious and can be irritating. He is unable to understand your limitations at this time. I would guess he was always needy of your attention, being a loner. Our traits tend to magnify with dementia. The answer has to be within you, since you are more able. Decide what you can reasonably due for your own well-being. Make that clear in a calm way and stick to it. At the risk of sounding condescending, he is a bit like a young child now. He needs clear limits, and will get anxious if you seem "guilty or nervous" about setting those limits. Make peace with yourself and show it to him. Like John Wayne, don't apologize or explain, just do what is reasonable and let him adjust or not.

Thank you so much for this post. I’m going through almost identical situation. Husband recently confirmed as having Dementia after I have cared for him for 3 years. Most of those 3 years have been a rollercoaster of bad to nightmare - alcoholism, verbal abuse when drunk, one episode physical abuse, had to leave home for 3 weeks, came back bcs he stopped drinking. He’s been in hospital over 5 weeks, been sectioned under Mental Health Act after trying to leave, come home, at risk of his safety and mine. He has also been labelled “combative patient” for being physically & verbally combative to staff. Past 3 years he shadows me, has to know where I am at all times, even in the house! That is one of the aspects of this which is driving me crazy. He has been told by Geriatric Psychiatrist he is not going home, is waiting for appropriate/available care home. His shadowing/harassment continues from the hospital - there are instructions on chart nurses are not to phone me when he demands but there is a certain ethnic group of nurses aides who constantly call me when he demands, gets angry. I’ve started ignoring calls from hospital (4 yesterday on land line and cell). Because of this I’m missing calls from doctors and the social worker. I’ve cut back to visiting every 2nd day but have not been able to face going in for four days which is heightening his anxiety. I had hoped him being in hospital would take away stress but in lots of ways the stress/harassment continues. Thank you for the replies to similar situation. I desperately need a break from him.

"Separation Anxiety" You have become a "satisfying presence" in a "loners" life. He does not have you and it is not like when you were always there..before the facility. His "wanting you"...satisfies the results of your absents. He was and is more "bonded" than you realize." Without you" also can be a Spiritual need for God. Every person is born with a "empty spot for God" in life. Until ths is satisfied we want other things and the result does not do what God does. He will never get what you can give him. God can give him "peace" that will deal with his anxiety.

Wow what a blessing to read your story just minutes after a half hour of texting my Mom after she hung up on me. She just turned 82 last week and even though she lives independently she has been struggling with memory issues. Her and I are very close and I spend at least once a week with her and one day a week dog sitting so her bf and her can go to the casino. I live 25 min’s away. I told myself I would not be manipulated by guilt trips over coming over more than that. I deal with my own visits to a holistic doctor weekly. She is only on one med and doing quite well but she does get demanding. I can only imagine your frustration and heartache dealing with your dear old Dad but boundaries are a must!. I have to block my Mom on my cell phone at least every other week. She’s messaging me as I type this!. I send her positive messages and pray for her continually but I’m the one who has to remain calm. We can inly control our own actions. You have to take care of you so a well thought out plan of your week is a must. There’s not much else you can do. If I had a million dollars I’d buy my Mom a spa and a handsome man to cater to her every need but I don’t so I do the best I can. God bless your journey.

I think your husband is truly lonely. If he is able to use the phone, is he able to use a tape recorder or a dictation machine or a computer? Maybe he can "write" his memoirs or speak what he is thinking? Are animals allowed in the facility?

In my Mom's facility, a lot of the people hold large dolls, even the guys, to help them feel more grounded. It seems to help.

I totally understand your husband's issues with anxiety medication as I too need to be careful. The wrong kind or dose of anti-depressants just makes me feel so wretched (it is hard to describe).

When was your husband's last complete bloodwork including the thyroid panel? Could there have been a significant drop in his hormones which is the real cause of this behavior?

And yes, maybe he is manipulating you however, it is dementia he doesn't understand manipulation. I don't think staying away helps as he would then feel more insecure without you. Is it possible to make it so he calls you only 1 or 2 times a day, with you visiting the 3rd time? Is it possible that he only wants to hear your voice? So maybe you could pre-record books or something along those lines? I've heard that having a clock close by really helps dementia people as they have lost their ability to "sense" time, but they can "read" time.

My one not so nice thought is, if he only shows this behavior to you yet he treats the staff in MC with respect, how come he has all this free time to call you? How about if they take him to the activity room and allow him to choose not to participate and just sit with the rest of them? Have you talked to the staff about this? Do they have any ideas? I'm sure you are not the first person to go through this.....

Another odd thought, can you change your routine with him so that some activity is done every time you are leaving him so that the transition of when you leave is a lot more drawn out than it currently is? Once you get him into the routine, then you can shorten it little-by-little until you feel comfortable with the length. For instance, I always take my Mom through a certain set of exercises before I leave. We started it because of health reasons, however, I noticed when I started this, she did not get as anxious about me leaving and would make sure that she would tell me what was on her mind, prior to the exercises ending.

Sorry, I don't have any silver bullets,...just a bunch of theories, observations, and ideas.

Hang in there.

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, you’ve done every good move a person should do deal with it. Now it’s time to go grey rock, don’t respond or defend yourself anymore. When he starts listen to as much or as little of it as you want, then say “we’ll talk again soon when you’re feeling more positive” and off the phone or leave if in person and go on about life. Some things you cannot fix, but that doesn’t mean you deserve to listen to endless streams of negativity. And if he can’t tell you, I will, he’s blessed to have you looking out for him so well

You are putting a lot of time, energy and worry into doing what your husband wants. Do you think it’s helping him? If it isn’t helping, there is no point in wearing yourself out. No benefit to him, and certainly no benefit to you.

Clearly, it’s not doing your relationship with him any good. Now you “DREAD talking to him”. You “feel like I'm suffocating”. “The best I can .. is.. never enough”.

If you want to retain the love you have felt for him for two decades, you need to drop this down to a manageable level. If you can’t keep that love, both of you will be worse off. Being a martyr won’t help either of you.

Your husband has choices, activities, meeting new people, but he chooses Neflix and wants you to be his only companion.
You are not responsible for his happiness, nobody is.
Seems to me you have to decide that you have choices too.

Earthgrammy: Good gosh, there's no easy answer to your post. I am sorry that your DH suffers from dementia, but you can no longer be his everything, else you run yourself ragged. Those closest to the individual with dementia are more easily manipulated by them than to other's, i.e. his physician or staff. You can't allow yourself to become ill because of this, physically or emotionally. It will serve no purpose if you let the dementia control both of you. Hugs sent for this most difficult of times.

Separation anxiety.

Like with young babies/children. Once they feel safe & accept other people besides their 'special person' they settle better.

I imagine it's a survival instinct.

Could also call it bullying? Although the intent IS to manipulate you I would guess the driver behind this is fear (not power like real bullies).

Fearful of being without you - his most trusted person.

Obeying this pressure to be his 24/7 will suck your life dry.

Is there funds to hire an aide for companionship?
That's what many cultures do. Literally pay someone to sit & hold the worried one's hand.

A mixture of medication + a sitter may work. Enough to keep your own life intact.

It sounds like you need to confront the situation head-on and tell him that you have a life and you’re going to live it. You need to start putting your foot down in a matter of fact but definite way. If you do not want to continue with the situation, you have no choice other than to start standing up for yourself and your own rights. It may not help at first but after a while he will get the picture. Do not answer all of these phone calls and do not apologize or be defensive about not being available to him at all times. If you continue to enslave yourself to his demands, you may come to hate him.

Advice? Laugh LOL

It's in a way funny, because there was a thread about a wife who was upset that her husband was trying to get with other female residents in the facility he is in .