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My husband has dementia. He has always had anger issues. He hasn't spoken to his brother in a couple of years and can talk very cruel about people I care about. I am still able to work. I work 5 minutes from home. Today when I said good-bye he told me to get out. I am not devastated. I have come to accept my new role as wife/caregiver. I just don't know how to handle this. Please advise me.

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My hubby suddenly became mean after the accident that caused his cognitive impairment, eventually he became severely physically abusive. We were able to correct it with medications used for Pseudo Bulbar Affect however, he was never like that before the brain injury. The first time he called me a filthy name was at a holiday table and our children were stunned by it. We'd been happily married twenty years before his accident. You don't say if he has typical dementia or if it's accident related. I think the others are right that dementia typically brings out a lot of what was already there without the restraints in place, and since you said he's always had anger issues I guess that means more anger is normal. It's easy to say don't take it to heart but I know how it hurts. I'd suggest counseling and medical advice as others have suggested. If the meds had not stopped my hubbies violence I would have had to find a care facility for him. (hugs)
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Hurtful words & accusations on a daily basis due to dementia can be very painful indeed. When my mom used to start her rants, nothing I said could calm her, so Dr. advised to just walk away. I'd go upstairs, and eventually she quieted down. As a suggestion, you could also talk with a social worker if your health plan has them, or a Geriatrician. Our hearts go out to you. Take Care of yourself.
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When dementia sets in it is a terrible thing but if a person has always been cruel and aggressive it’s hard to say it’s just the disease. I have tried to be my husband caregiver but it didn’t work out my health and piece of mind was taking a told on me. I took an early retirement had to move out of my home And it really not that easy to accept things that gone out of there mouth when u know these thing were there before dementia set in. If this is all the disease my husband has suffered from this for over 40 years. And it doesn’t help being ex-military. He is in the Va hospital I can’t handle it any more have lost too much already
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Teepa Snow is a great dementia educator. You can see some clips free on YouTube, or buy DVDs on sites like Amazon or google her name. Also helpful, Alheimer’s Reading Room. These are two extremely helpful resources for navigating the constant tricky changes of dementia disease progression and behaviors.
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Some steps for you to take is for you to see a psychiatrist, so that you can talk to that dedicataed medical professional. Talking to the older version of your husband is no longer there/available.
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If you can find a support group for caregivers, I think this would be very helpful. At least I HOPE it will be helpful, because this is just starting, but progressing rapidly, with my partner of nearly 20 years. I found a support group at a local memory care home, and it is open to anyone who wants to attend. If there is no group in your area, you can probably start one. Consider speaking with a minister, priest, or rabbi about finding or starting such a group.
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Whatever you do, don't give up your work if you love it! And I wouldn't bother trying to divert his attention everytime he starts hurtful words - just walk out. When my father starts any of that, I walk OUT quietly and do something kind for myself, even just walking outside a breathing fresh air and letting my mind rest for a bit. We are so used to using up our own energy to make up for or ease someone elses dementia-related behavior sometimes we can just give ourselves a break!
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Like you I am in a "relationship", stopped calling it a marriage about 10 years; where my husband of 36 years started showing signs of Dementia/Alzheimers. He refuses seeing a doctor for such and therefore receives no treatment, medication or counseling. This bothered ME at first and I fought like heck, but finally went to a counselor myself and was helped to realize I can not force him to acknowledge this disease or recieve treatment for it.
Why am I so sure this is his problem; FAMILY HISTORY. Father's side has mental issues, how far back I'm not sure and it really doesn't matter. Mother developed Dementia late in life, probably due to STRESS more than anything physical.
He has had anger issues from the start, but his work kept him away most of the time and when he wasn't working - DRINKING.
I am filling you in on this for one reason, as you know and BELIEVE you are not alone and helpful hints from any and all will keep you going.
I find keeping my distance, even in the same house; helps. He likes listening to the NEWS 24/7 and spends hours and hours in the bed listening and sleeping. LET HIM BE.
Don't feel guilty for working away from home, it is your salvation and means of social life.
The anger and need to fight is lessening, after several years and things are more peaceful now. It was a hard stay. but it is paying off as my mind is more at peace too.
Keep up your spirits, we're all pulling for you and here when you need a boost. LOVE
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My mom has turned on me multiple times over the years even tho I’ve always been there for her. My brother has cleaned her out financially since my dad died 27 years ago...but he remains her hero. My salvation and faith in God has the only thing that has gotten me thru. I find comfort in Phil 4:7 regarding peace that surpasses understanding. Prayers for u!
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Thank you all. My husband of 48 yrs yells at me in public and says racist things. I usually tell him off when I get home and he stares at me. He has always been a racist but I could divert his comments. Now I have no more patience and avoid social situations. This means he sits in front of a tv 24/7. He buys the newspaper daily and I know he goes on rants there. I fear a bad result. Much of the time I can't figure out if it's the dementia or his personality.
Thank you.
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I'm sure all the filter talk is true, but at some level, knowing the filter is turned off, you still sense the pain because you sense what is being said is really what the person is thinking or feeling. Can you be comfortable limiting your exposure by going to visit less often for a while? Would you be comfortable checking in with staff on the day you didn't go? I am not a support group kind of person at all...especially soured when I took a chance and it wasn't a good fit for me...but I went to another and have to admit that this group helped me realize I as not alone. It is sponsored by the local Alzheimer's Assn.
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There's some great advice here!

My mother is 84, has Alz and it's progressing rapidly. She has her outbursts, usually in private. But she is racist and bigoted, generally can't stand people anyway!, so I had biz cards printed (cheap through Vistaprint) that say something to the effect of "My mother has Alzheimer's. She may exhibit unusual behavior. Please forgive anything hurtful she may say or do and please don't take offense. Thank you." I've had to hand out a couple, surreptitiously out of her line of sight because otherwise she'll ask what I'm doing (which happened once...divert!!).

Two other options for people to whom to vent your frustrations: clergy, if you are so inclined, or local in-person support groups. Many larger communities have them.

Good luck to you.
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I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I’m going through it with my parents and I can’t imagine what it must be like to hear this things from the love of your life. Two other things that have helped me...when my parents, each at different times, became this way I did as much reading about their different conditions as I could. This helped me to view their behavior more clinically and depersonalize it to some extent. Secondly, one of the things I learned from my reading is that when they behaved this way, it may be something else altogether that has them upset but they cannot figure out how to express it. Again, this helps me to depersonalize it some. I don’t know if these thoughts will be helpful for you with your husband as I’m sure it must be different than with parents. I just wanted to offer them as possibilities. One last thing...I know it can be difficult, and sometimes feels like just one more “to do,” but please don’t forget self-care,even in very small doses. We are always more vulnerable when we are worn out or burned out. My heart is with you.
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dovee, you are so strong! I always advocate for talking to a counselor for posts like this - friends are good, definitely! But sometimes they can only help and listen so much. Keep that job! :) Also, an observation: my mom always had anger issues and a smart mouth, but now now that she’s 86, moving quickly along a path of dimentia, and says outrageous things - I can’t help but wonder whether the process started more like in her 60s. She’s had diabetes 2 for a long time that went untreated. What she says is worse than her 60s, but not by much. I think the person who I say ‘was like this before’ is more like my memory of her the last 20 years, not necessarily before that. Hope this may contribute something. And I hope you’ll consider getting (forcing) help into the home somehow if you haven’t already. Just because you’re his wife doesn’t mean you have to be the single carer and lightning rod. Best wishes to you.
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When my mom would say mean things to mean, my husband would remind me that it wasn't really my mom any more, and that was true, at least regarding her attitude. I had to blame the disease and not her. When I give speeches about my book, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale," I tell people that if she knew I wrote a book to help people, she'd say, "You go girl," which is different from what she'd tell me if she were in a mood, which was, "You go away girl."
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I think it depends on who the person was before ALZ. A sweet person who is suddenly saying vicious things can be more easily moved into the "this isn't her, it's the disease" area of your brain.

If you are dealing with someone who has always been mean and angry, then it must be a lot harder to say "this is just the disease".
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This sure is tough. It’s also important to remember that in addition to no filter, the real problem is their diseased brain does not process information or formulate thoughts like their former self. The things they are saying are not likely anything they thought about saying before they were ill. I had this situation with my husband and it helped me to remember that, and then it was pretty easy to actually just ignore it. People with Dementia only “have the minute” they’re in, so they don’t remember it all, usually.
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Everything Eyerishlass said is perfect. My Mom in the beginning of Alzheimer's, whew! The things that came out of my Mothers over 50 years as a Sunday School teachers mouth! Yep..no filter and always usually slightly embarrassing. I had no idea she felt angry at fatter people. Some awful statement would come out of her mouth and I wanted to sink into the floor. Or comments about doctor hairdresser, etc. This stage lasted a few years for her. I have made a few apology tours! Sometimes yes...work and walking away is the best thing you can do for YOU! My motto has been "This too shall pass."
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I agree with everything that Eye has said. It is so important to be able to speak with someone and to keep things as "normal " as they can be.

Best of luck to you.
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Dementia affects the filter between the brain (thoughts) and the mouth. Some call it the social filter. When my grandmother had Alzheimer's some of the things that came out of her mouth were shocking since she was a little old lady.

Your husband is unable to filter and disseminate his thoughts between his brain and his mouth. In other words, it's the disease. Additionally, if he's had anger issues in the past he's likely to continue having them perhaps to a greater degree.

Try not to argue with your husband when he disparages your loved ones. I know it's tempting to defend the people you care for but it will only agitate him. Try diverting his attention away from the topic. Change the subject, offer to fix him a snack, ask if he'd like to take a walk, etc.

You won't be able to reason with him because he's lost the ability to reason. Expressing your hurt feelings will fall on deaf ears. Do you have anyone to talk to? A close friend or family member you can share this with? Talking about it might help and will keep you connected to people socially as it's very easy to isolate when we're caregiving for someone.

Continuing to work will help as well. It gets you out of the house and out of the line of fire and switches your focus from your husband and his dementia to something else.
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