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My husband died late Tuesday night at home. It came up quickly, although he had been declining since March. All of a sudden he got worse, and couldn't get out of bed. He hallucinated for several hours, and was able to describe them to me. Then he began to talk constantly although I couldn't understand much of what he said. He wanted water. He wanted jelly and bread. I gave him what he wanted and he seemed content. He asked me to kiss him and I did. I still didn't think he was on the brink of death. I went upstairs to change into pajamas, and when I came back down I thought he was snoring. He wasn't. It was his breathing. I got in bed with him, he "snored" a few more times and then was silent. I couldn't believe he was gone. I called the hospice and a nurse came. I didn't know what to do.We were married 45 years, and I see his presence everywhere in our house. I am having crying jags. and can't help myself. Friends came in the morning, but I almost wished to be alone. Is this normal?I miss him every moment and am sure I always will

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I'm so sorry. Of course it's normal to want to be alone. It's sometimes hard to process grief when other people are around.

You seem to have had a wonderful marriage. His passing was peaceful and he knew he was loved. Who could ask for a better end? I wish you comfort in the days ahead.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Dills, I'm so very sorry, this must of been so very hard.

I think it's very normal to want to be alone.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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What a blessing that your husband went fairly quickly and without any struggle. That is a gift for sure. And of course you will miss him until the day that you die.
Grief is very personal and different for everyone, so you grieve however you want as there is no right or wrong way.
My husband died a little over 4 years ago now, and I still talk to him every day, and think about him often. Love doesn't die when the person does, but continues on in our hearts and minds.
Your loss is very new, so be kind to yourself and allow yourself as much time as you need to grieve the man you loved and lost. And if you feel the need, you can take advantage of the grief counseling that hospice offers as that is free for you and your family members for 13 months.
And I will share this beautiful saying that someone shared on this forum a good while back, but that I had to write down so I wouldn't forget it. It goes like this...
"Grief never ends but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith, it is the price of love."
And here's another saying that has meant a lot to me as well....."I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you, and then I realized....you spent the rest of your life with me."
I pray for God's peace, comfort and strength to be with you in the days, weeks and months ahead.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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My deepest condolences on the loss of your dear husband. I think it's perfectly normal for you to want to be alone now to process your grief. Let others know what you need, and allow them to help you.

God bless you and bring you the peace you deserve after being such a devoted caregiver for so long.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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So sorry for your loss.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You are grieving. You did know somehow this was coming, just not with such sudden shocking happenstance. I am so sorry for your loss. Allow yourself to grieve however brings you the most comfort, and PLEASE while you DO grieve remember to feel the relief for him. His losses, his confusion are over and he is at peace, but more than that he was with YOU and he felt SAFE and not afraid. It doesn't get better than that, really, when we have to go.
I know this must be so hard. Do whatever can get your through. This is going not to go away in a day, and for everyone, it is a journey, and an individual one.

It helped me enormously to "talk to my bro" the way we communicated all our lives and not living in the same town--long letters to him telling him all sort of thoughts and things happening. I collaged and decorated it and for a year I did this.
I hope you will find something to help. As you say, he is everywhere, and you need to know that really, he always will be. He will be there for you and with you.
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PeggySue2020 Nov 10, 2024
I’ve gotten to consider my dad as spiritually somewhat still here. A couple days after he died I saw this big yellow butterfly among the bougainvillea outside the window. I have never seen one like this. It’s now been a year and the persimmon tree we planted bore fruit for the first time. I don’t really love persimmons but I loved the idea of bringing him some. He will be there with my mom and our family in spirit enjoying them.
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45 years! And you tenderly cared for him right to the end, including that last kiss. What a love the two of you shared. I hope memories of that love comfort you in your very understandable grief.

Thinking of you. 💐
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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Dills, so sorry for your loss.

I think whatever helps is normal. If for you that means being alone then you do that.

God Bless.
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Reply to Gershun
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All hospices have grief counselors included to the family for 13 months. Please call for one tomorrow. Most are chaplains that will on request conduct or direct any service you have, be it formal or just a few words at dinner. They all are graduate level professionals trained especially in how to support survivors through their journey of grief.

Im so sorry.
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Dillsburglady Nov 10, 2024
The social worker called and told me they would contact me in a couple of weeks. I need them NOW not in a a couple of weeks.
I really thought they would be of help after Jim's death. I thought someone would at least call and ask if I needed anything. Sorry but no. They were helpful at his death, but seem to have put me in the inactive file for now. I am really disappointed.
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You ‘gave him what he wanted and he seemed content’; I can’t think of anything sweeter than those words and the last moments you shared with your dear husband.
Of course you need time alone. No one else can possibly know what you know about him and the precious time you had together.
Please be gentle with yourself.
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Reply to Peasuep
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So bittersweet is the loss of a well loved mate at parting.
What a comfort that you see him, there but just out of reach. You feel his energy. You could almost conjure up his presence. He is palpable to your senses. Savor these moments meant for you.
Yes others may feel it also and want to share this time with you. With you they still have him, still feel his presence. He is there among you.
Thank you for sharing with us. Feel our hugs and know we, like your friends, grieve with you.
You will carry him with you always.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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Dillsburglady Nov 10, 2024
Thank you so much.
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I'm am so sorry for your loss. Yes, feeling and seeing his presence is normal during this grieving process. I am a firm believer that our husbands are our protectors even in death and that is why we feel their energy so strongly. They are new in the transition stage from life to death so their energy is felt around us.

Crying is normal. Wanting to be alone is normal, but don't isolate yourself from friends and family. Grieving is a hard and long process but you will get through it.

You were a great comfort to your husband and were truly blessed with the love you shared.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Dillsburglady Nov 10, 2024
Thank you so much for your comments. They made me feel a little better. I do feel his presence everywhere and I hope in time that will become a comfort, not a reminder of my loss.
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I am so sorry you have lost your husband. Even when they have been on hospice, when they die, death seems to come suddenly and way too quickly. Such a difficult time, I am sorry.
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Reply to OncehatedDIL
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For me, there is no describing this journey that you are on and I’m sorry that you are on it, and you are not alone. This in itself has been a comfort to me. People sometimes think that if you know a death is coming, it’s easier. Perhaps you might be a little more prepared, but there is certainly no less pain, loss and grief.

If you’re able, please contact hospice again tomorrow. Perhaps reach out to your nurse or someone that you connected with, but they should have immediate grief support available. I did my first group virtually, but began attending in person after two or three weeks. Being in the presence of others who understood such a loss was incredibly helpful and comforting. Everything you are experiencing is normal. This community is a good place to share as well—I needed and still need many different ways of support to go forward and I hope that you will be able to find what works for you(I think you will).
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Reply to MidwestOT
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Condolences Mrs. Dillsburglady.

So very sorry for your loss of your dear husband after 45 years.

If you ever not want to be alone, for a moment, you can check in here.
Then, it is understandable that you would want to be alone. Grief such as
you are experiencing is normal.

You were a faithful companion until his last breaths, comforting him.
Remember that, it was all you could do, and the best anyone could do for him.

May he rest in peace, and always alive in your memories and in your heart.
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Reply to Sendhelp
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I’m so sorry. Anything you’re feeling is normal. I hope with time you’ll find healing and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Sounds like a very peaceful transition . Nothing Can Prepare us for death of a loved One and we Miss them when they are gone .
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Reply to KNance72
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My sympathies for the loss of your beloved husband. Be gentle with yourself. Your grief is normal and will change over time but you’ll always miss him. Please consider grief counseling or a local support group. You are not alone.
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