Now we are living together. We are in the process of divorcing and I would like to see him live independently. He does go to therapy but doesn't do his exercises otherwise and depends on me to do things that he can even do with his hands. I am trying to make him more self sufficient but I know he is depressed (seeing a counselor that he doesn't yet like). He only saw her twice. Today I went biking on a trail with my girlfiends he called me that his wheelchair pad was stuck and he could not move (the wheelchair is from the nursing home and we are waiting for a new one from Medicare). He does have a life alert which he pressed which did not work. We did just get it. Anyway he called me and I told him to call the fire department cause I would not be able to fix the wheelchair. Plus I was a good distance from home. When I returned home he was very angry with the wheelchair people and the life alert people. I told him that he needed to take the time to read the literature about the life alert system. He said I have no time and he said I am doing nothing to help him. I take care of all of his primary needs (even changing his bowel movements). I told him, which is true, that when we seperated I wanted someone in my life to be with in old age and he said let your friends do that. I will be there but live my own life. Here I am doing everything for him and asking him to read literature about a life support system and he gets mad. He picked up the TV remote and was going to throw it at me. I told him if he threw it at me I would call the police. He proceeded to throw it at the wall and cut his finger. I was scared. He did calm down and apologized. He has never been that abusive before.
I feel guilty when I go out and I think he resents me doing this. Any suggestions are deeply appreciated.
He may need more rehab than he got there are great places like Ability Lab, formerly Rehab Institute of Chicago what they can do is amazing. Not just physical but mental, emotional rehab. It is all important.
Now for the brutal stuff.
You should get a caregiver in, someone other than you that can help your (soon to be ex) husband out. (and if this had been in the works do not let guilt make you stay. There were reasons you were going to split none of the "bad" will go away, it will get compounded. You need to make your husband realize that he can not depend on you for his every need.
Life Alert doesn't work, call 911 or the non emergency number for a "lift assist". And you should not lift him either if you are there and you need help call for a lift assist. You getting injured will do neither of you any good.
If he threatens you, throws something at you call 911 that is assault. They can transport him to the hospital.
He needs to know that you will not tolerate violence of any kind. (had this been a pattern previously?)
If his therapist is not working out he may have to see another not every therapist will be a "good fit" for everyone he may have to "try out" a few before he finds one he can talk to that will help him.
I don't know how long he's been paralyzed or how long you've been living with him but try to keep moving forward. Make plans. Arrange for your husband's care for when you're gone. Prepare him for when you move out but realize that he will probably always call on you for help even after you're gone. He's angry and scared and depressed and you've been the one that's been there. I'm not sure a clean break from him is possible but you have to take care of yourself.
I agree with Eyerishlass. When all is said and done will he have money to live on his own? You don't say how old he is. There are 55 and up housing that are handicapped excessable. Meaning the apartments are made for wheelchairs and showers have bars. I would start looking. Some have waiting lists. This will give you a time span. When an apartment comes open, he moves. He has to do this on his own, no one can do it for him. He is not the only person in his situation. Like said, you are divorcing for a reason. Something like this will not bring you closer, you will just resent him more. And he will resent having someone care for him. Actually, he may qualify for more help on his own with just his income.
You no longer owe him ur life. You can help him get established somewhere else. Maybe help get him services. Check up every so often. He needs to learn how to do things on his own not rely on someone. Thats what OT therapy is. Learning how to do it himself.