My FIL is flying in for a week long visit. He has COPD and had a heart attack Nov. 2017 (has a stent). This is WAY out of my league - HELP!

Thank you all for your encouragement and advice. The week long visit was just that. My FIL is in MUCH better shape than we were led to believe by his 24/7 live in caregiver (figures!). My husband was able to take him with him everyday when he went to work (small business owner) so they could enjoy each others company and give me a break. My husband was forced to acknowledge his father's limitations and respond accordingly - it was a much needed eyeopening experience for him caring for his father 24/7 (including oxygen, meds, 'britches/briefs duty', showering, and the multitude of things required). The end of the visit ended on an upbeat note - FIL said he couldn't believe the week was over and 'wished he could stay longer' (uh, no...). I think he also knows this was probably the last time he would be able to make this trip as his parting words to me were 'See you when I see you!'. Again, THANK YOU, ALL that responded to my HELP post - this truly is a caring, helpful community of folks!!

castlekathy: Dear Lord, I'm asking you in your Holy Name that we could receive word from this lady. AMEN

I messaged her. Hope she answers!

Hope we hear how castlekathy fares on this situation :)

CastleKathy, please come back and tell us if FIL made it. Did he stay just the week, or has it become longer?

Guess she is busy with him. He was suppose to be there by now.

I am not sure a 93 year old that chokes on is food, needs oxygen, and is unsteady on his feet, should be flying on a commercial airline.

The tightness of the seats could cause a post flight blood clot, and who will help him if he chokes on his food or falls down.

So....how’s it going? I hope you’re all having a nice time and you’re enjoying the time you have with him.

A red flag for me was that FIL "demanded" to come for his 93rd birthday.

I am curious -- are there any other children? Does he live near one who has to do all the day-to-day supervision and keep a handle on the 24/7 hired caregiver? I keep thinking of how glad we will all be if Dorker's MIL gets on that flight to her daughter's in IL!

So FIL is flying in today. You will have him all day tomorrow until your H has the weekend off? Is there a party planned for the birthday? And then you will have next week to again do the daytime care for FIL.

He chokes when he eats, has to be reminded to keep his teeth in, and then all the trouble walking? He can't hear? Your house has multiple levels?

Oboy...is this going to mean close supervision of every bite he takes? Supporting him as he walks? Picking him up if he falls? Helping him with toileting (yuck)?

And this absolutely might be looked on as a trial living arrangement on his part. Maybe his money is running out for the 24/7 caregiver? I certainly hope NOT!

CastleKathy, Please come back and let us know what happens/ed! This is a great place to vent too! Hugs!

Blimey. Best of luck, Castlecathy, keep in touch and let us know how you're getting on.

I have to say, I don't think much to your husband's being all gung-ho about the old man's birthday but not enough to take a day or two off work. Are you going to have *anybody* on hand to help you?

I thought I could take my father who was on a small oxygen tank to the store for quick shop by him. No way! I probably should have called the ambulance! Make sure you know his requirements from the doctor. Purchase a pulse oxygen meter at drugstore. Hypoxia makes them meaner and almost strokelike.

Ok, depending on his liter flow his O2 may last a long time. We have my FIL a lot and his is on 2 liters,, his mini tanks last all day and into the night.. sometimes the next morning.. they are rechargeable and he is fine with us for 3 or 4 days, He also is unsteady and hard of hearing.. ( as is my Mom who lives with us). FIL has a rollator to help with his walking, and he is 94. My biggest problem when he is with us is he is bossy,,,LOL. He is 94.. so I get it.. I hate having to deal with it.. but he is Hubs father,, so I just go along for the visit.. Good luck, and it will be over in 7 (long) days!

THANK YOU ALL, I so appreciate all the input received! To answer a few of the questions, FIL is to arrive TOMORROW! FIL has a live in caregiver at his home. We live in a remote area, so to contact an agency, or set up oxygen backup is very difficult - I insisted he rent a portable unit and bring it with him. Husband has yet to notify airline of any special needs. My home is not 'senior friendly' multiple levels and FIL will be sleeping on a different floor than my husband. At this point, all I can do is pray for the best outcome for this situation.

A few concerns:
Is he even capable of taking a 3-hour flight?
Shouldn't you hire a medical professional?
Aspiration pneumonia

It seems we’re split close to 50-50 here, half saying she should graciously agree to take on the care of her FIL even though she’s being unwillingly forced into it and her post was a cry for help. The other half, like me, think she should take herself on her own getaway. Just the fact that from her post, castlekathy intimates that she wasn’t asked but rather ordered to take on FIL’s care for a week made me write the answer I did. I chose not to take the “high road”. I’ve been in situations like that before and took the proverbial high road. I got no thanks, no credit, no appreciation. It still irritates me now. From the way this was presented to Castlekathy, I think she may feel the same way.

There is also the chance of FIL needing medical care. Does his insurance cover out of state medical care? Many don’t. Will his medical records be available should he need care? If Hubby is away at work, would Castlekathy recognize FIL’s distress and know what to do? She states she has MS. Is she mobile?

In any case, Castlekathy hasn’t posted again. Hopefully, the issue has been resolved to everyone’s satisfaction.

I'm going to respond based on believing that you want to support your husband, especially and your FIL here but you feel so far out of your element and understanding of things your truly frightened and concerned for everyone, mainly your FIL's well-being and are asking for help and guidance to make it happen unless the consensus is it just shouldn't happen. Now I have a few questions as well that will help me and others respond. First what kind of help does your FIL get at home, does he have (need) a full or part time caregiver? When was the last time he traveled, are there other family members involved here?

Simply being on home oxygen is very common, people get around and even travel all the time. It's actually even easier these days with new equipment that's available and newer equipment or not there isn't much for you to fear or even do, certainly nothing to be afraid of or feel overwhelmed by. Don't let it be the thing making you uncomfortable. Hearing and dental needs change, like an eyeglass prescription does so when they aren't kept up to date they can become more of a hindrance than a help and this may be what is happening with your FIL. That ship may have simply sailed but if there is someone helping him at home maybe they could look into updating those things prior to his trip, sometimes it's just an adjustment for hearing aids. Maybe this is something you could help him do when he visits if you want to pitch in that way or maybe it's just something everyone deals with for a week. Either way my guess is if he were able he would wear them whenever he was around people because not having his teeth in and not being able to hear is hard for many elderly people, it's embarrassing but they stop seeming to care because they either can't afford to fix the situation or don't think it can be and the adjuncts they have now cause so much issue the embarrassment is the better option. I know my FIL was horrified when he had to take his teeth out in front of me in the ER.

As someone else mentioned the fact he has a stent now is a good thing and may mean much of his unsteadiness as well as his thought processes have improved. But it's hard to make suggestions in this area without knowing what his living and help situation is at home I don't see why you would be expected or need to steady him all day if he doesn't have or need that at home, if he does he probably has a walker and methods for accomplishing his daily routine. If he is in need of 24/7 type care then you and your husband should be in touch with his doctor and whoever coordinates that care (his POA?) so help can be set up while he is visiting. There are methods for setting things up temporarily while a patient visits family and having it all covered by insurance (whoever is paying for it at home) but that takes coordination with his doctor. We took my mom out to see my brother and his family in CA (from CT) recently and consulted all of her doctors. We also put together all the contact info and a plan should anything happen while she was out there, same thing as if she needed an ER visit at home really but at home they have her records handy so we just made sure we had that traveling with her. We also made sure she had enough meds but many meds can be ordered by regular docs & p/u at a chain pharmacy in another state for just this situation if needed too.

Unless there are ailments I'm not understanding this may not be as difficult as you are picturing, you obviously have spent time around him and unless there is something about the relationship that makes you uncomfortable I would suggest trying a different approach. Look forward to seeing him and being able to help facilitate this trip which is obviously important to both your DH & FIL. Express your love by embracing this and learning about these ailments along the way. It may help you in the future & a positive approach will change things a great deal. Fill this visit with love & create can do memories.We will hlp

It’s only for a week and let your husband do all the work.

Castlekathy, I love some of the answers here, especially taking off for a few days at a spa hotel! BUT, on the other hand, think how much it means to your husband and if you can pull this off, how very much it will mean to him that you supported him in his wish / need.

As far as the oxygen, it's a simple thing. But, contact a medical supply company to have extra tanks on hand. And any other equipment maybe needed to rent for the week..... a walker, a wheelchair. And talk to a home health company to have an idea about extra help should you need it.

And I would definitely talk to husband about taking some time off while father is there, maybe he can't take all of the time, but at least some of it. And then plan a couple of days out by yourself, maybe a movie, walking in a park, shopping or even window shopping, a lunch out with friends. Even time out each day for a walk, or go somewhere where you can read a book, i.e. if the weather is too hot to sit outside, then a bookstore where you can sit and read in the cool air, or even in a mall.

Good luck... you'll make it through this week!

Is anybody who's experienced in looking after your FIL coming with him?

If not, you could insist on hiring professional nursing help for the week and suggest your husband's family look on it as part of the celebration expenses.

If they won't buy that, then all you can do is draw your own lines about what you will and won't do to assist; and not stepping out of your pay grade is a perfectly reasonable view to take. Stick to your guns.

Any consequences that then ensue are the responsibility of those making the decisions, and not yours, and you must just rise above any residual feelings of guilt. And happy birthday to him!

Iam not able to answer HOW to get through this... but it sounds like that's going to be a terribly stressful week. My SIL works for two home health companies. I'm in N.E. Oklahoma and doubt we live in the same area however, there might be a home health company near you that can send a cna or hh worker to assist with your FIL for that week. It might have to be private pay since the man does not live in your vicinity. ..
Your FIL should be able to tell you how to hook up his oxygen for the night.
This is A LOT to be asked of you but I assure you, everything is temporary.
Might need to have the CNA watch out for blood clots... although 3 hours is not bad for younger people. .. it could pose a risk with him.
I wish you strength and luck.
Aye, MarLo

Call me paranoid but ...

be prepared for hubby to say ... well that visit worked out fine. Lets have him live with us.

no ... im not young but i wont be visiting my kids when im ill and shouldnt fly. Its hard enough now dealing with airplanes even with van transportation from gate to gate. Theres airport bathrooms/airplane bathrooms/sleeping most of the day after each part of the trip even if the trip is short.

and thats even if you dont need help.

It sounds like the FIL has some sort of care at home; and if you can arrange for him to have someone he knows with him on the visit that would make an enormous difference. In fact, I think that would be the deciding factor if I were in that situation. When my MIL was at our house her last year that was what made it possible.

If FIL has been taking care of himself, I'd let him do so. Tell him you are available if there's anything you can do for him; and if he asks for help you can't provide--from physical inability to just discomfort on your part--get hubby (on the phone, if he's at work).
If he's not been taking care of himself, is he bringing a care-giver? If not, hubby better call some agencies and get a qualified person there. Or perhaps there are facilities that offer adult day care where hubby could drop Dad off while he's working.
At 93, with COPD, etc., just wanting to see his son, maybe for the last time, has a certain poignancy. Don't stress about the details. If he makes it off the plane to see his boy, maybe that's enough. You have no control up to that point.
After that, think of the rest of the visit as extra benefits--just a little more time you all got to spend together. If he doesn't survive the week, it won't be your "fault," and he still got what he really wanted and more.
It's only a week, right? He has round-trip ticket, right? I always say "I can do anything for a week." It's a helpful psychological tool for a defined time frame.
Try to be up-beat about it, and cheerfully tell your husband all the suggestions you've seen here. Just so he'll be well-prepared...

I think the thing that angers me most is the attitude ... generally from men ... that oh, the (unrelated) spouse will be home and be glad to care for my parent and off they go to work.

Or ... the (unrelated) spouse ... generally again the men ... say why should your parent(s) live with us or why do we have to visit them (at the home).

whichever it is seems to run away and feel taking care if a parent is the (unrelated) spouse's responsiblity.

but this doesnt provide an answer to the question.

Joann 29 - oxygen is allowed on planes but this must be done with prior arrangements with the airline well in advance probably with drs note - I'm a former FA & have had pax using their O2 the whole way

You probably need to pre-arrange extra O2 to be delivered to your home while he is there - there is a lot to arrange so maybe hubby should fly to hid dad not other way around because what happens if he can't fly back? - then he will be with you permanantly

Is your Mom still in AL? If so, good way to get away. Say your visiting Mom.

If he doesn't bring one, you may want to get a PauseOx meter. They are those little things they clamp to the end of your finger. Normal reading is 95%. My daughter says 90% is getting low. The article says 80% a doctor needs to be called. I really don't feel its a good idea for FIL to fly. Did he ask for a wheelchair to and from the plane. You may luck out that when he gets to the airport, they may not allow him to fly when they see his condition and no one traveling with him.

Why can't u visit him?

Not sure if this was said but Oxygen is not allowed on planes. A concentrator is but someone mentioned in a previous thread that a charge only lasts 2 hrs.

First thought I had when I read your post is what Muffin cat said, he may be there longer than a week. I bet he didn't get permission from his doctor to fly. Found this article you may want to show husband. This has been discussed before and one thing I found then was the person should be able to walk 100yds, length of a football field and walk up ten steps if they are contemplating flying. In ur FILs condition, don't think its a good idea.

copdfoundation.org/COPD360social/Community/COPD-Digest/Article/6/Safe-to-Travel.aspx