A few years before he died, my father spoke to me about his estate and eventual death. He made a few specific points
1. He did not want any kind of funeral, and certainly not a Catholic one. He didn't want any obituary printed in the paper. He was to be cremated and buried. We assumed it was because he was not religious at all (even though his family was Catholic), and had ex-girlfriends he didn't want showing up to the ceremony. He reiterated this a couple times in the following months, and made me promise I wouldn't give him a funeral.
2. He told me his trust was to be split up 4 ways upon death (his 3 children and his girlfriend would be the heirs). The portfolio was to be liquidated (turned into cash --and it is like 5 million+) and distributed to the heirs upon estate settlement.
After he died last week, my sister-in-law announced that there will be a large (and expensive) Catholic funeral that will be open to the public (obituary in several newspapers, etc.). One of my father's girlfriends, whom a number of people in the family despises (she stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from him when he was suffering from dementia, among other things) is invited to the funeral, and will be in the front row. I expressed disagreement with this, but my sister-in-law told me to "get over it".
My sister, who is the executer of the estate, wants to hold on to the investments in my father's portfolio until estate settlement, and then distribute the stocks, bonds, etc. in kind to the heirs. She says she can do this as it is a better idea than liquidation and distributing cash.
So I have a sister and SIL directly going against the wishes of my father. The SIL claims he had a "come to Jesus" moment on his death bed and agreed to a funeral. I wasn't there and never saw it. While he was alive, my dad was dismissive, if not hostile, towards religion.
Should I even show up to this funeral? Am I overreacting here?
It seems to me that funerals are for the benefit of the living. I had a friend who's husband declined to have even a memorial at our church. My church does NOT charge for this. Many people were upset. We had no way to express our grief together. When another friend died her family did not want a memorial at her church since they disagreed with her choice of religion. She had many friends at our church. At first the church said no memorial, but I said if we can't do it at the church then I'm having it at my home. The church relented and 25+ people showed up (not her family, they were invited and again free of charge. )Everyone was given a chance to speak about their memories. It was lovely. When my relative died, I had a memorial at my church but not in the chapel. This was to honour the relative being agnostic. I have purchased Catholic Mass cards to give to mourners who are Catholic even if the deceased was not Catholic. I am not Catholic. I have received Mass cards, and appreciated the feelins of the giver. I believe anything you do, religious or otherwise cannot harm the deceased but can comfort the mourner.
The will. If you have a beneficial interest in the will, contact the attorney listed on the legal notice you receive with any questions. You have that right. I don't think you have to accept in-kind pay out, but this is a legal issue. It makes sense to keep investments as-is during estate admin if the investments are being managed by an investment manager.
Your fathers wishes he expressed to you are being discounted by the rest of the family. I always thought funerals are intended to support the living. Your family needs the attention or support so give it to them, you are the strong one.
Ask your self, what would dad do? Would he go along with his siblings to avoid a family divide? Maybe.
Good luck, your father knows you did the right thing.
I agree with many you should attend BUT if you feel very strongly about your Father NOT wanting a funeral, ask the funeral home if you can have private time with your Priest and "talk" with your Father about your feelings and why you won't be in attendance.
Your sister may be Executress, BUT that just means she has to EXECUTE your Father's Will which apparently she's not following.
Absolutely hire an Attorney ASAP. Again, you may or may not be an heir even though it has to do with your Father. You can CONTEST by having your attorney take her to Court whether it be a Will or Trust. You can also CONTEST if the girlfriends have their hands in it, nut you have to prove it.
NO ONE gets anything until the Court decides. The Court could take EVERYTHING OVER since your sister has already gone against his wishes.
The best thing if nothing has happened yet, get the attorney and go for it.
Best of luck.
P.S.
I don't feel that anyone HAS TO FORGIVE everyone for everything every time.
If I were you, I would ask myself:
(1) Will I feel better going to the funeral? Would going be out of duty or guilt?
(1a) Could you have a private memorial lighting a candle - being alone?
(2) In 6 months to a year or 2-3-10 years from now, how will you project you'll feel about not attending (or attending) ?
(3) My first response (too) was GET AN ATTORNEY.
(4) Forgiveness (is powerful - for me) and letting go are ways I 'return to my center' and well-being.
Focus on what will bring yourself peace.
Again, if me and I decided to go, I would 110% give myself permission to get up and leave at any moment. The memorial (as previously stated) is healing for you. I would meditate and ask the universe for guidance. Or sit quietly and listen. This is what I am doing NOW, in general. Meditation, asking how to let go and let the universal God/desses guide me. Gena.
Get that and go see an attorney if she is spending money inconsistently with the trust.
Basically the only thing you can control is how you respond, react, and act during this time. You can get a lawyer and fight tooth and nail. You can let them do whatever they like, take whatever they give you when it's all over, and keep the peace in the family. You can attend the funeral and make a speech about what his wishes were and how his wishes are being ignored. Etc Etc. The options are limitless with each one having it's own set of consequences and emotional toll on you.
In the end you have to decide what you are willing to do and not do and how important it all is to you. I've had to make choices similar to the ones you're making more than once. I'm sorry to say, I know it won't be easy. My advice is that you should do what you must in order to be able to later live peacefully with your choices. (hugs)
Many other posts seem to assume there is no will or "trust" which documents Dad's instructions? Why? If the sister is named executrix, and by some means obviously knows what Dad wanted (" She says she can do this as it is a better idea than liquidation and distributing cash") there may very well be a will expressing last wishes and arrangements? Unless there is a legal challenge, who would insist Dad's wishes be followed? As far as why sister was chosen to be executrix, it's possible her affect toward her father reflected her plans for the future (estate) more than sincere affection and agreement with his own plans. Is she paying the huge expenses of the unwanted funeral from her own inheritance? Hah!
Do attend Your Fathers Funeral but skip the big splash meal and drinks afterwards.
Get an attorney NOW, you have a right to see the Will. If your sibling is not following his directives she is committing fraud and looking for financial gain.
No one can change a Will to benefit themself or anyone else. Not liquidating the stocks is not her right to do if your Dad stated they are to be liquidated.
The attorney will petition the Court to restrict all accounts and property. You will then go to Court to force your sister to do EXACTLY what Dad wanted. IF Dad stated in his Will that he did not want a funeral, she has already illegaly changed it. NOT GOOD FOR HER. This will be part of the action presented to the Court. Your attorney can request a Representative be appointed NOW and/or remove your sister if she is the Representative.
As for not caring for the trophy girlfriends and what siblings are doing, you will be showing them that YOU ARE DOING WHAT DAD WANTED and too bad so sad. They're not going to like you, but it appears they don't any way. Take CONTROL for Dad, NOT FOR YOU, for Dad.
My Mom is still alive, but suffers from Alzheimer's. I'm Guardian/conservator. I have step-siblings I'm basically going thu part of this right now. Like you, the oldest step-sister "stole" close to $70.000 from Mom. Mom has the money, their Dad (I love him so much) is a meek/humble man. Never really had a penny to his name so to speak. His kids know, having found financial statements in the house, how much my Mom is worth. Let's get what we can as soon as we can! I'm meeting with her attorney/my attorney to "discuss" monatary issue i.e. money she took illegally phase 1, $30.000. She doesn't want Dad to pay 50% of bills i.e. utilities because Dad does not own the house with Mom. AZ is a total Community Property State and debts are based on the Spanish marriage Laws. I've researched as far back as the 1800s he's responsible because he is Mom's spouse. I believe that my step-sister has been informed about her fraudulent actions because the 1st of a few Pow Wows I'm sure will will happen next week. She is college educated but she doesn't have the banking background I have and learned over 38+ yrs, as well as having my spouse who is Sr Chief Compliance bank officer as a go to regarding bank regulations/law. Yes, I'm and will fight for my Mom and that includes with both step-siblings right now and my siblings later.
Your can show your disdain for issues you're facing now in many ways. You don't need to verbalize, they'll get the picture especially taking them to Court for your Dad.
So is it worth your time to find out if you were "screwed" or you weren't due anything at all. One way or another, you may feel screwed again or you can get your just desserts taking them to Court.
As for your other question - funerals are for the living. It's sad when the wishes of the deceased aren't followed, but sometimes they're not fair nor reasonable. I had an uncle who wanted no obituary, no funeral, no viewing, no burial. His children considered his wishes along with their need to grieve and had a handful of family members at the funeral home and we held a 'do-it-yourself- style remembrance before he was cremated. Sounds like your family wants something more elaborate and that doesn't match what your dad told you about his wishes. You don't know what he told your sister. Choosing not to go to the funeral would not be honoring your dad, it would be spiting your sister. Is that what your dad would want?
When the money gets distributed, do the same. I had 4 aunts and uncles- totally divided the family. Never to speak again. Their mother told one kid this,another on that and when she died THE FIGHT STARTED AT THE WAKE and after they all got their lawyers, the estate was gobbled up, and they ended up splitting $ 13K. after a 3 year battle....which should have been about 280K to split in the beginning.
Maintain your composer and dignity, keep your dads memories close to your heart, because they are between HIM AND YOU, thats one thing no one can control. I know you must just want to scream, but your dads gone, move into the phase of missing him, loving him and still respect him. There are 2 roads for a reason, take the higher road. Im sorry you lost your dad, take care of yourself. Best.
An obituary is a news item, not a eulogy. As your father was well known in his community, it is an important record. It is also a chance to list the causes and charities he may have favored.
Otherwise I agree with your statement.
But your dad should have spoken to his executor about it too.
If I were you I would just go along, to get along. You have no choice because you have no way to enforce his wishes he did not express to his executor as well.
No need for lavish funerals. If your hands are tied, then just let him go peacefully and make peace with that. All the best.
Go to the funeral. Be civil. Be kind. Smile and be gracious. Nothing to be gained from being otherwise. Take the high road.
If your father wanted his wishes followed regarding a funeral he should have made you executor instead of your sister. But he did not, so perhaps you should just accept what is and act accordingly.
Ann, I fully understand your thoughts on siblings (and even grandchildren) who refused to visit the loved one while they were living. My adult children will tell anyone what a delight it was to really know their grandparents in their healthy days and in their aging, and dying days! They never used the excuse, "I want to remember them like I knew them in the past." Every stage of life is good (even when it's hard). My children were so loving and my parents responded so well to their kindness and attention. We have no regrets for spending time with my parents (or friends, or elderly loved ones) who were dying. I know there are times when this is impossible to do, but I also know that many people choose not to visit those who are in their latter days. Sadly, they're the losers, and so is their loved one who truly wanted at least a visit from their child, grandchild, relative, or friend.
Even if it’s not legally binding, a notarized document (authored by Dad) tucked in with Dad’s POA/DNR/will/5 Wishes would have sent an unequivocal statement to the immediate family.
As for the trust, the parameters of disbursement can be written into the trust paperwork. For whatever reason, your father did not do that.
You are stuck with word-against-word during a highly emotional time. And it sucks.
I’m not attacking. Just applying the exhausting, miserable (and at times, insulting) lessons I learned from my own journey with elders who talked out of both sides of their mouth.
Who assigned fiscal/legal responsibility to a certain family member for “political reasons,” but expressed different wishes to the trusted(?) confidant..... the softie..... the listener.
Who perhaps thought they were flattering the “chore-minder” relatives(s) by using words that were magically (?) supposed to supersede what the elder already legally committed to according to.
Good intentions or not, the end result is clashing expectations — that surface at a highly emotional time.
I wish you peace, Silas.
You are not alone in your frustration.
Over the past 5 years, the elders in my life set off so much “wouldda-couldda-shouldda” with their decisions AND their non-decisions. It was an end I never saw coming. More than once.
For many of us, our inheritance includes memories that are colored by hypocrisy.
It’s very difficult to reset from an experience like this. Be kind to yourself. (((big hugs)))
Jane
Sometimes we focus our energies on details when we want to avoid pain. I believe this may be what is happening right now. Losing a parent, especially when you are close, is devastating. It shakes us to the core at so many levels. Our own mortality comes to question. We are, after all, next in line. Sometimes we must take that grief a "bite at a time" It is just too much to accept all at once.
Take deep breathes, long showers (great place to cry btw) and don't over complicate this. Your dad is gone. A small funeral or a big, showy Catholic funeral with all the bells and whistles is not going to really affect your dad. You were there for him, that is what is important. If you feel keeping your word to him is necessary, refrain from attending. But, most importantly, take care of yourself. It is what he would want. I'm sorry for your loss.