A few years before he died, my father spoke to me about his estate and eventual death. He made a few specific points
1. He did not want any kind of funeral, and certainly not a Catholic one. He didn't want any obituary printed in the paper. He was to be cremated and buried. We assumed it was because he was not religious at all (even though his family was Catholic), and had ex-girlfriends he didn't want showing up to the ceremony. He reiterated this a couple times in the following months, and made me promise I wouldn't give him a funeral.
2. He told me his trust was to be split up 4 ways upon death (his 3 children and his girlfriend would be the heirs). The portfolio was to be liquidated (turned into cash --and it is like 5 million+) and distributed to the heirs upon estate settlement.
After he died last week, my sister-in-law announced that there will be a large (and expensive) Catholic funeral that will be open to the public (obituary in several newspapers, etc.). One of my father's girlfriends, whom a number of people in the family despises (she stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from him when he was suffering from dementia, among other things) is invited to the funeral, and will be in the front row. I expressed disagreement with this, but my sister-in-law told me to "get over it".
My sister, who is the executer of the estate, wants to hold on to the investments in my father's portfolio until estate settlement, and then distribute the stocks, bonds, etc. in kind to the heirs. She says she can do this as it is a better idea than liquidation and distributing cash.
So I have a sister and SIL directly going against the wishes of my father. The SIL claims he had a "come to Jesus" moment on his death bed and agreed to a funeral. I wasn't there and never saw it. While he was alive, my dad was dismissive, if not hostile, towards religion.
Should I even show up to this funeral? Am I overreacting here?
Basically the only thing you can control is how you respond, react, and act during this time. You can get a lawyer and fight tooth and nail. You can let them do whatever they like, take whatever they give you when it's all over, and keep the peace in the family. You can attend the funeral and make a speech about what his wishes were and how his wishes are being ignored. Etc Etc. The options are limitless with each one having it's own set of consequences and emotional toll on you.
In the end you have to decide what you are willing to do and not do and how important it all is to you. I've had to make choices similar to the ones you're making more than once. I'm sorry to say, I know it won't be easy. My advice is that you should do what you must in order to be able to later live peacefully with your choices. (hugs)
Get that and go see an attorney if she is spending money inconsistently with the trust.
If I were you, I would ask myself:
(1) Will I feel better going to the funeral? Would going be out of duty or guilt?
(1a) Could you have a private memorial lighting a candle - being alone?
(2) In 6 months to a year or 2-3-10 years from now, how will you project you'll feel about not attending (or attending) ?
(3) My first response (too) was GET AN ATTORNEY.
(4) Forgiveness (is powerful - for me) and letting go are ways I 'return to my center' and well-being.
Focus on what will bring yourself peace.
Again, if me and I decided to go, I would 110% give myself permission to get up and leave at any moment. The memorial (as previously stated) is healing for you. I would meditate and ask the universe for guidance. Or sit quietly and listen. This is what I am doing NOW, in general. Meditation, asking how to let go and let the universal God/desses guide me. Gena.
I agree with many you should attend BUT if you feel very strongly about your Father NOT wanting a funeral, ask the funeral home if you can have private time with your Priest and "talk" with your Father about your feelings and why you won't be in attendance.
Your sister may be Executress, BUT that just means she has to EXECUTE your Father's Will which apparently she's not following.
Absolutely hire an Attorney ASAP. Again, you may or may not be an heir even though it has to do with your Father. You can CONTEST by having your attorney take her to Court whether it be a Will or Trust. You can also CONTEST if the girlfriends have their hands in it, nut you have to prove it.
NO ONE gets anything until the Court decides. The Court could take EVERYTHING OVER since your sister has already gone against his wishes.
The best thing if nothing has happened yet, get the attorney and go for it.
Best of luck.
P.S.
I don't feel that anyone HAS TO FORGIVE everyone for everything every time.
Your fathers wishes he expressed to you are being discounted by the rest of the family. I always thought funerals are intended to support the living. Your family needs the attention or support so give it to them, you are the strong one.
Ask your self, what would dad do? Would he go along with his siblings to avoid a family divide? Maybe.
Good luck, your father knows you did the right thing.
It seems to me that funerals are for the benefit of the living. I had a friend who's husband declined to have even a memorial at our church. My church does NOT charge for this. Many people were upset. We had no way to express our grief together. When another friend died her family did not want a memorial at her church since they disagreed with her choice of religion. She had many friends at our church. At first the church said no memorial, but I said if we can't do it at the church then I'm having it at my home. The church relented and 25+ people showed up (not her family, they were invited and again free of charge. )Everyone was given a chance to speak about their memories. It was lovely. When my relative died, I had a memorial at my church but not in the chapel. This was to honour the relative being agnostic. I have purchased Catholic Mass cards to give to mourners who are Catholic even if the deceased was not Catholic. I am not Catholic. I have received Mass cards, and appreciated the feelins of the giver. I believe anything you do, religious or otherwise cannot harm the deceased but can comfort the mourner.
The will. If you have a beneficial interest in the will, contact the attorney listed on the legal notice you receive with any questions. You have that right. I don't think you have to accept in-kind pay out, but this is a legal issue. It makes sense to keep investments as-is during estate admin if the investments are being managed by an investment manager.