My mom chose to let my brother live in a guest house on her property and be her sort of caregiver for the last seven years. Over the years I’ve told her that I can’t care for her and maintain my marriage and home if she doesn’t come live with me. She wanted to stay at home and that why is my brother filled the role. He has contributed a lot but has also taken advantage of the situation. She is now terminal COPD and emphysema and he’s convinced she is going to die any minute. He hasn’t really done a great job with her care letting her eat sweets, stay up all night and smoke. She also has diabetes. He has a horrible girlfriend who lives with him and is ingratiated herself to my mother. My aunt is paying for care services and has quarreled with him, mainly about the girlfriend. Of all things, he has decided to take a job in the middle of my mother going into hospice and is demanding I practically move in to help him. My aunt is also demanding it because she doesn’t trust him or the girlfriend. I have implored my mother to intercede, and she is too unwell to do anything. She just keeps telling me to get along with the girlfriend, who has threatened me physically. As has my brother, who has martyr syndrome and is ready and willing to start handing out candy and soda and start pumping morphine into my mom. I just spent the last month straitening out her care and she is stable and alert, but weak and also unwilling to intercede. My final straw is that while I am still trying to work (I’m self employed and if I don’t work I don’t get paid) and take care of my home, I was informed that I am the only person that can help clean my mother if she soils her diaper. The girlfriend won’t and my brother says he can’t do it. Being on 24 hour call for this duty along with being present 12 hours a day outside of my home and unable to work has me at the point of a nervous breakdown. No more help can be given other than what hospice and my aunt will pay for. I told my brother I quit, I told my mom I quit. I can’t do this. I feel horribly guilty, but no one respects my boundaries. I have fibro, fatigue, and anxiety/depression aside from all of this. I’m bullied by all three of them, including, sort of, my mother. Am I crazy to feel I have no choice but to walk away from this situation?
What if mom needs help in bathroom after the hired help leaves? If it's only you to run over there and you no longer want to, you either kick in some $ to help or tell them it's time for 24/7 care at a facility. Mom is willing to accept substandard care because she wants things to stay as they are --- but ---- is it healthy for her?
He doesn't care for her the way you would. OK, but he's doing the work, and you aren't.
You condemn him for getting a job and asking you to contribute to Mom's care, yet your job is more important? What am I missing here?
It seems to me that while you're setting boundaries, so too is your brother. What you see is martyrdom, I see as someone who's also at the end of his rope.
Mom is on hospice, so morphine is a common medication at that point. Hospice is about quality of life, not quantity, so if she's happier eating candy and smoking, so be it, and for heaven's sake, stop trying to get her to intervene between you and your brother. She's DYING.
Try acting like adults and work together to help Mom's last days/weeks/months as comfortable as possible. Do what you can, be clear on what you can't, but don't criticize someone for doing what you won't. You can make all the boundaries you want, but if you want them respected, you'll need to stop your criticism on the spot. Either you're in or you're not -- you can't have it both ways.
People need to know if they can count on you, so tell them they can't and yes, you'll feel guilty for good reason.
His gf has physically threatened you. And your brother, too? That alone is reason to NOT DO WHAT THEY WANT.
Who has POA/HCPOA for your mother? Does your aunt pay for care help out of her own funds? Or is she your mother's POA?
Actually - better if aunt calls APS about her concerns. Give her the number.
The rule is lead, follow, or get out of the way. You can't lead - your brother is in the way. You can't follow - it is not acceptable for you to be subjected to fear of physical violence, and in any case the requirements are absurd, and in any case you have no responsibility to provide hands-on care (for which I assume you have no training?). Get out of the way is the only option they've left you.
This is Not Your Doing. You are very far from crazy.
They are the golden words of wisdom that turned my life around. Cut through the F.O.G with good common sence.
I had tried Lead (blocked) cound NOT Follow a plan built on 'magical thinking' so Get was left. Have stayed 'Get'.
It forced some reality into the picture & better care for my relative.
Highly recommend.
If I were in your position I'd walk away and let them figure it out for themselves. You are going to get even sicker from the stress.
Your health comes first.
"Am I crazy to feel I have no choice but to walk away"
No. Walking away can also be necessary. Or maybe just a step or two back.
By stepping back, you can let other care options come forward. That may be small stuff like some home help or big stuff like hospital, rehab, respite or hospice.
"I was informed that I am the only person that can help clean my mother if she soils"
You know this is RUBBISH right?
They want things THEIR way. (Whether based on selfish reasons or to help your Mother... result the same). It won't do.
None of them get to tell you what to do, when or where. Their threats, guilting or tantrums are NOT going to help your Mother.
Be as firm as you need to state this truth.
It's a bad situation for everyone.