I have recently discovered that my dad has been connecting with people on Facebook including fake Facebook accounts. He had 1700 friends and some of these have been asking for money. We tried to tell him that there are scammers, but he says he’s not stupid, however I have since discovered that he is sending money to some of these people including one Filipina woman he has been having an emotional affair with for nearly 2 years. How did I discover? I purchased his relatively new iPad for my son as he purchased another tablet and when I went to restore factory settings, I found multiple messages pop up one after the other. I felt sick! She has been asking for money from him to buy watches, pay for internet, have her teeth fixed etc. My mother is 89 and has been suspicious for some time, but he tries to tell her she’s crazy. We have warned him several times about scammers, but he says he's not stupid. He tells this woman he is going to marry her! The texts to each other are disgusting and I can’t believe he is treating my mother this way. He is emotionally abusive towards my mum and has threatened her multiple times. I have begged my mother to come and live with me, but she refuses to and said she doesn’t want to give up everything so he can go off with another woman. She is worried about our inheritance, but I just want my mum to live her last years happy. My brother and sister are too scared to confront my dad because of what he may do, yet I have to stand by and watch whilst he messages this woman from 6am to midnight every single day having cyber sex and continually telling her that he loves her and they will be married one day.
I get it - he is old, lonely and concerned that he may be alone one day (he is 8 years younger than my mum), but I feel sick at the thought of how he is treating my mother. He has taken her landline from her and left her with a mobile phone she simply struggles to operate. Her licence has just been revoked due to an accident she has recently had and he goes off every day and leaves my mum at home so he can talk to this woman. He is gaslighting my mum making her feel that she is going nutty and suspicious for no reason. He hates having visitors because it interrupts his talk time with his lover (I read this recently) and he complains that we never visit but every time we do, he’s on Facebook and messenger and says it’s very important he responds to all his 1700 friends. He has taken photos of my house and send them to this woman and says that everything he owns she will own one day. I really don’t care about the inheritance. I would simply prefer he just let my mum be and took everything but I also don’t want that because my mum would be absolutely devastated. I apologise for the long message, but I simply don’t know what to do or who to turn to anymore. I have thought about confronting him, but unsure if I should just let it be. I created a fake account (I know it’s bad, but was desperate) and contacted this woman pretending to be a man, in the hope I could trap her. She constantly messages me now so clearly she is doing it to several people. She has about 4 Facebook accounts that she uses. Please help.
I am the POA but this is what I did that helped me.
I installed "Last Pass" on my dad's computer and taught him how to use it to save his passwords, including his Facebook password. He found it very helpful. I was already on his bank account so I could track his expenses that way (I use Quicken) and I was already on his investment account as POA. But with the passwords, even a non-poa could log in to check on things. This may be illegal, of course, so it would be much better to get added to the accounts and get your own access. It could be anyone he decides to add, not just the POA. Maybe your mom has access already and is already on these accounts... so maybe you could get her permission if he won't get it. I'd get on his credit cards too. But again, it's best if you can get permission to be on the account as yourself and not use their passwords.
I feel so bad for your mom. Even if she doesn't want a divorce couldn't she just leave him and live with you?
So sorry you are going through all this. The threat of physical force makes it even worse but here's my own two cents for what it is worth:
Long exhale needed on your part. It is usually impossible to save those who don't wish (or know that they need to be) be saved. The relationship between your parents is............ between your parents, no matter how difficult it is to watch and hear. As you state your Mom is "old generation English". Many of them just "stuck it out" in what we now consider "bad" relationships and suffered. That type of thing does happen in the younger generations but it is becoming more rare as women have made gains in education, careers and self esteem. Your Mom is not willing to leave him and I personally don't see this happening. She wants him to "behave" like a loving husband but if he has no medical diagnosis of a psychological or emotional, I truly believe the chances of that happening are slim to none.
Glad you have DPOA but other than listening to your Mom's complaints there may not be much you can do at this point. You might consider investing in a good eldercare attorney to see if there are any steps that can be taken legally to protect your Mom's assets. (see the attorney by yourself or with your brother). Again... you can't make her leave and you can't make her press charges against your Dad.
I wish you good luck on this rough journey. Please keep us updated and accept our Hugs
im afraid you are right.
Let us know how it goes. We are here to support you.
If I were you, I would change his password on Facebook and/or access to his computer.
I think you can put something on his computer where you can track his activity -
The fact that he has sent photos of YOUR home is enough for you to NEED to be / get involved for security and safety reasons.
This is legally not Facebook's responsibility - read the fine print (not really, although know they legally protect themselves from any responsibility for consenting people using their platform. If they did take responsibility, they would have millions of dollars of lawsuits and they would be busy 24/7 taking care of people like your dad who compromises his own finances and safety, and that of you and your mother. Of course they are not going to set themselves up to be libel for fake anything or scammers).
The 'she' you speak of could likely be a 'he' or a high school person or a group of people that work together. They are very cunning / smart.
[If it were me, ] You need to take whatever action is necessary to protect your dad's assets and your home / privacy / security.
You do not mention how old your dad is, what his cognitive functioning is, health issues, etc. or anything else that is important to know. It is easy to fall into a fake emotional bonding. Once these people know an elder is vulnerable, they zero in like a lazer. They will do whatever is necessary to drain his assets. These are not ignorant stupid people. They are criminals or perhaps 'just' liars wanting to steal from vulnerable people.
It can happen to anyone. I fell for it on Match.com. It was my fault for going out of their app and immediately private emailing [which they say NEVER do]. Although nothing happened besides me feeling like an idiot. What you are involved in with your dad is very different.
You can try hiring an (a computer) investigator, an attorney, or Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil used to have shows of these 'sweet' older women who believed 110% that the fictional love(r) was real. He sensitively proved his point although he'd send investigators to Nigeria.
Do know that your DAD will get very upset with you and that his reactions to you are to be expected. He doesn't realize or want to admit to what he believes is real do to the feelings he has developed inside.
He may or likely will if he knows what you did / are doing / why he can't get into his computer.
You are doing what is in the safety and best interest of your entire family.
Perhaps the one legal remedy or straw you hold is that he is in your house and what happens under your roof is your business.
You NEVER know when he may provide more family or financial information to 'he, them,' whoever it / they are doing the scamming. You cannot trust you Dad based on what he is doing now. You must intervene.
Although she insists she doesn't want to leave him, I would work on her every chance you get. You say he takes off during the day, to have privacy for his chats - can you take her out, show her a good time? Convince her to come stay for a few days, for a break?
It is fairly clear, after reading through everything, that he has cowed ALL of you. I also would be concerned about her safety, because emotional abuse IS insidious - it builds up over time, making one believe they are the problem and even if they do eventually see it, others don't believe them because they can't see the bruises. Been there myself!
Work on getting her confidence. You did once, but she buckled. Encourage her setting up an account, preferably at a different bank, in her name only and start siphoning off money, a little here a little there. She already suspects his dalliances, so just sell this as assurance that she won't be left destitute if he does take off. Tell her it doesn't have to be in your name as well, just hers. This is for HER benefit, so all is not lost if he keeps giving money away. She needs to know that she won't be left with nothing. Perhaps her backing off was him feeding her garbage about you wanting to keep it all for yourself, just like he promises this witch that she'll have everything! I WOULD show those messages to your mother, in the process of trying to convince her to protect some assets for herself!
Sadly if he notices the "drain", there may be hell to pay. All the other "tricks" likely won't work, such as changing passwords, blocking people, etc. There are ways around all that. If he were a bit less competent, cutting off internet would be the way to go, but that isn't likely to work.
If she won't listen to you, perhaps you can find an attorney who can work some magic. Sit with one or more and explain the situation to them. If you can find the right one, someone you think might resonate with mom, and has good people skills, they may be able to then explain how it is best that she look out for herself. Take her there, but let her be alone with the attorney. See how it goes. She's not getting any younger and will need money to help provide her care as she ages more.
If nothing will convince her, just be understanding and supportive. Maintain good contact with her, so that if you notice any regression in behavior or signs of physical abuse, you can get her out! Until she can make that break, it's about all you can do.
I have decided I am just going to speak with him and say the gig is up! We know what’s going on and should he wish to continue speaking with this woman it is his choice, but if he doesn’t stop, we will speak with my mum and he will need separate everything and leave mum alone and we will take care of her. Enough is enough. At least my mum will then have the choice as to what to do.
What are you afraid will happen, if you tell your dad to knock it off, and help your mom to separate out her assets?
Are you afraid of violence? Do you feel safe in your home?
I report them to Facebook and they refuse to act. This happens at least 3 times a week. Do you really imagine 150 men want to make my acquaintance each year?
OP, have you reported this to the police and his doctor? Addictive behaviour is a health issue.
Why do I think your mother is used to waiting on this cad hand and foot? Because he is treating her like a doormat and she is letting him do it, If she has any sense, she will stop doing it and get a life of her own.
Men like your father are a dime a dozen. If your mother is unwilling to confront the situation, it’s because she’s in the midst of a sort of “Stockholm syndrome.” If you don’t stand up to him, no one will. Your father is a jerk who needs a taste of his own medicine. Stop biting your nails, consider what you can withhold or take way from him and become as aggressive in your efforts to put a stop to this behavior as he is determined to continue it. Tell your mother in no uncertain terms what he is doing. Cause trouble for a change! Your father is 89 years old? Will he understand the concept of divorce, permanent alimony, being “taken to the cleaners,” and the loss of family connection and care that will flow from it? Make him see the picture of what he is going to lose.
And what point is there in pretending to be someone else when you contact the other woman scammer? Tell her who you are, tell her you are contacting the authorities and then contact the police to find out what your options are. At the very least, they will put her name in the cybercrime database and start tracking her on line scamming activities, which you should also mention to your father when you tell him you have notified the police. If he cuts you off from his inheritance, so what? This man’s money is not worth having if it means keeping silent about his behavior to get it. You and your siblings need to stop cowering and cut into this situation before it’s too late. And keep encouraging your Mom to leave the house and move in with you. If you mix it up a bit, she may decide that she’s safer living elsewhere.
What, literally? Physically laid hands on her by the neck?
Could you please put this in context and explain what was happening and what was done in response to it?
It's just that if I were to witness something like this I would have no choice but to report it - to my seniors if I were at work, or to the police and/or adult social care if I weren't on duty at the time. Why didn't you?
I will contact the police today and speak with them to see what more there is I can do.
For right now, your mom is still married. Is she able to understand the situation going on with your father? If she's able to then you need to help her start stashing money and putting her share of assets in your name now, so your father won't be able to hand over everything to this scamming, third-world piece of sh*t.
At some point your mom may need her share of money and assets for her care. God forbid, I wish her long and healthy life but needing care and having to pay for it is a reality that she may one day have to face. Your father too. What happens when he hands it all over to scammers then has need of care himself?
If you've been in regular communication with this scumbag in the Philippines and she thinks you're a potential mark, show this correspondence to your father. Then let him know that he's not the one and only love of her life because she's scamming everyone. Call him out right and proper and make sure your whole family knows. Spread his shame and he has no one else to blame but himself.
If your mom doesn't want you interfering and wants to stay with him, well what can you do? You can't force her to leave or to see a lawyer to protect at least her share of marital assets. She might change her mind if you show her your correspondence with this woman who thinks you too are a male and a potential mark.
Good luck to you and your mom.
Also go through and report the fake accounts to Facebook.
And that was the end of the story. But these women STILL texted him continuously, until my sister got so angry she smashed his phone to smithereens.
I don't know how on earth you can 'delete your father's FB accounts' w/o him going absolutely ballistic and disowning you. This is a serious addiction he has and God knows what it will take to stop him. If you change his passwords, all hell will break loose. You can't force him to go to the doctor for a dementia evaluation either, that's unrealistic.
All you CAN do is keep working on your mother to salt money away in her name only so when it's time for divorce, she's not left with zero funds. She needs to speak to a lawyer about what her next move should be. Her husband is unfaithful and she needs to look out for HERSELF now, especially in her old age. Keep at her about that.
I'd also let daddy know the GIG IS UP, and you're onto him, and so is mom. It's not okay that he's cheating on his wife and sending money to other women. Embarrass him something fierce. If there are repercussions, who cares? Look what HE is doing to the family w/o worrying about repercussions!
Good luck!
I would suggest:
1 - That your father's Facebook accounts be deleted. Report the people who are using Facebook to scam your dad to Facebook and the authorities. It would also be a good idea to change the passwords to use the computer so he can not use a computer unless somebody is closely monitoring his activity.
2 - That your father not have access to bank accounts or financial information. If need be, tell him, "All the accounts have been 'hacked' and that they are sending new cards." Give him only reloadable gift cards in place of credit card and debit card.
3 - That mum seek counselling to deal with setting boundaries on dad's behavior. Might need to also have dad evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist for treatment. Mum and the rest of the family would benefit by reading any of the books by Townsend and Cloud about "boundaries", or dealing with problem behavior.
4 - Mum should visit a lawyer dealing with family law to make sure will, powers of attorney for financial and medical, and advanced directives are drawn up for herself. If dad is amenable, you may be able to get him to agree to having these documents drawn up for himself before he is declared mentally incompetent.
5 - Some people become difficult to live with as dementia progresses, please initiate a series of discussions with mum about options in case dad's behavior becomes more of a problem. Nobody should live in an abusive situation -including with a abusive person with dementia.
I have telephone his bank to flag his account for suspicious withdrawals and activity - related to financial abuse.
Both my parents have assured me that my brother and sister are noted as POA on their wills which is one good thing.
This IS a crime and needs to be reported to the police. https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/what-you-need-know-about-romance-scams
If your mother will not address this, and your father is competent, be clear in your mind that there is absolutely nothing to be done about it whatsoever. You can try various things such as getting in and putting a block on her account. If he is savvy computer wise he will get round that soon enough. You can also email her that you are prosecuting her for elder abuse, but as she's in another country that's unlikely. She can be reported to facebook. She will simply make another account. As I said, given your father is the man he is, there is really nothing you can do if your Mother will not.
Neither against the law but your mom needs protection.
Personally I think he will come out swinging once confronted. He can’t be trusted to stop or change. He is addicted to social media and his fantasies. No addict appreciates someone getting in the way of their addiction.
I would find a good divorce attorney for mom. She has nothing to look forward to but the loss of more dignity, health and wealth. His ego has been stoked to dangerous levels.
Perhaps there is a way to protect her assets without divorce but whatever the legal costs, it will be less than the hits she is likely to take in the future. I don’t blame her for not wanting to move out and let him move anyone else in even if it’s just on a larger monitor. But she can’t pretend it’s going to go away all on its own. He needs her to wake up and save them.
Have mom give you her POA. Go to their bank and ask for print outs or simply set up an account for her online and see how deep he’s in financially. You may find he has already moved assets or taken out second mortgages etc.
You are a long way from an inheritance with both parents showing signs of mental decline. They will likely need every penny for their care. Your efforts will be to protect them both from dads baser inclinations not to secure an inheritance which you’ve clearly stated is not your motivation. Not implying it is but your parents will need their assets for their care.
Your dad might make promises but he doesn’t respect your mom and that is hard to overcome. Plenty of people are unfaithful, are sex addicts, are easy to manipulate but that doesn’t mean they don’t love their spouse and respect the mother of their children. The loss of respect your father is showing for your mom is dangerous.
Personally I would be afraid he would empty the coffers if he had a heads up that you are on to him. He will act. He’s crossed boundaries. Mom is not likely to put up much of a defense from what you write. I would err on the side of caution. If you’ve over reacted to the amount of money he’s sending, great. But you probably aren’t.
He is not sending thousands of dollars from what I can gather. I have only seen receipts of $50 or so, but that was some time ago. I don't know if that has increased. She has asked him to help her set up her business, but he said he can't pay big amounts of money or his wife (mum) will know.
You are absolutely right. I know he loves my mum and respects her as the mother of their children, but he is oblivious to the fact that he showing very little respect by going behind her back. He simply does not see it.
So, you need to protect Mom financially. You should get their assets split so Mom doesn't end up with nothing. She may need to leave him. She is entitled to half of everything. Sorry, it may devastate her but do you want to find out he has spent everything on this women and maybe even lose their home. Better to be devastated now with some money or be devastated later with nothing.
Consult a lawyer.
I had a friend who fell hard for a guy she met on FB. Cute, huh? The 'guy' didn't even EXIST. It was a stock photo of some dude--and the scammers were targeting women who were kind of desperate for ANY male attention. And she sent him thousands of dollars, too.
Even when my friend finally figured out (by flying to CYPRUS!) to 'meet' this guy---and she found him and found out he was really a 22 yo kid and his buddies---she still maintained she was 'in love'. She said "What do you think people will think when I walk into church with the love of my life?" I answered that they'd all think she'd gone and adopted a son. (She's in her mid-50's).
He obviously wasn't leaving his cronies in Cyprus and coming to the states to live with a woman who was older than his mother.
FB---I call it 'FakeBook' b/c all you put up there is your best of best--or worst of worst, there's nothing in between, really. And our elders really can get upset by it.
My MIL routinely sends out SOS's when she needs something, not realizing that the family is not 'on' FB all day and night.
Your dad is being used, no doubt, and I truly don't know how to get him to stop it. Maybe by confrontation and explaining that things are NOT real in FB land.
He probably just feels young and desired---when the truth is far from that. It's hard to get old and feel disconnected to our spouses, who are, in turn, not that attracted to US either. But seeking attention elsewhere isn't kind, nor appropriate.
Good Luck. Hopefully you can shake some sense into him.
You say your mom is 89 and your dad is 8 years younger, so your dad is 81? Are they in the U.S.? If so, the only person that can do anything is the one with legal authority: the PoA for your father. Are you (or anyone else) his durable, or medical or financial PoA? Has he ever been medically diagnosed with cognitive decline, impairment, memory loss?
Otherwise, "someone" will be left trying to outmaneuver your dad in regards to restricting and controlling his FB access and bank account, and if that "someone" is not the legal authority, he can shut them out.
My brother and sister are POA and yes, he has had tests for dementia which he doesn't have. He does have depression though, but refuses to continue with treatment.
What about: print off, say, five screen shots of the pages you found, set them down in front of him (think Line of Duty interview style) and saying simply "explain, please."
Try not to be judgemental or accusatory. Do more listening than talking. Think about what he says before you respond. And meanwhile, be thinking as well about what has changed in his life to take him away from healthier pursuits and make this cesspool so attractive to him.