I didn't mean to - it was a reflex and I can't take it back.
I'm an only child and she lives alone. We had a doctor's appointment yesterday and the doctor couldn't get through to her - she doesn't believe me or her doctor(s) that she is dementia/beginning stage Alzheimer's (she also recently fell and broke her hip).
I've been taking classes, joining support groups, reaching out wherever I can to gain knowledge and the know-how to help her and be with her. My thinking was that an actual diagnosis would help things so that we can get her affairs in order, and do what's best for the situation, but it just made it worse. One step forward... two steps back.
I know I have a lot of pent up anger towards her that has evolved over a lifetime (I'm 60), but am trying so hard to put that aside so that we can tackle the now.
I blew it yesterday... in just one moment.
My only hope is that she won't remember it, but I fear she will as she remembers certain things, and this will definitely be one of them.
I read yesterday "they forget everything, except what we want them to".
So often on this forum we see well-meaning folks struggling to provide care to an abusive or difficult parent. It seems to be an emotional minefield. Caring for a parent without these issues can be challenging enough on its own!
If your mother was able to throw a knife at you, it's time to put her in a care facility for her own safety as well as yours.
What could have happened if she didn't miss? You could very well be dead today.
Put her in a facility for your own sake. I know it's hard to see what dementia does to a person, but when that person is a danger to themselves and others they belong in a facility.
I think you should take this as a sign that you can't be her hands-on caregiver. She may well forget the incident - certainly it's extremely unlikely that anyone could or would want to take it further, even if she tells everyone down to the mailman all about it - but you never will.
At this stage it may not be possible to put alternative care structures in place (because your mother won't agree to them, basically). That needn't stop you lining services and facilities up ready and figuring out the funding, which will also give you something besides tearing your hair out to occupy yourself while you wait until such time as she is no longer in a position to refuse. It is neither fun nor pretty, and I'm sorry for your situation.
Why did she slap you?
If you have a lot of pent up anger towards her that's been evolving for a lifetime as you say, bring in hired caregivers to look after your mother. I know what happens to a person when they have to become a caregiver to a parent that they harbor a lot of anger and resentment towards because I live it. Only recently have I been able to start clawing my way out of the wretched misery being my mother's sole caregiver has turned my life into.
I've also worked as an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years.
Even when a client has dementia, there must be boundaries even if they have to be forced. Sometimes you also have to be what might seem in the moment to be harsh or even cruel. Like when there's refusal to keep up with hygiene or changing soiled diapers. I have many times had to literally yell and swear in a person's face in order to clean them up or change them. The recovery from a bit of fear and hurt pride is a lot easier than the recovery from a UTI or skin sores because the elder is left in a mess.
People with dementia are often still able to understand boundaries and will only push as far as the caregiver will allow.
I had a client, an elderly woman with dementia. She was very aggressive and violent to her family and her other caregivers. She would hit, kick, pinch, bite and would yell every swear in the book and threaten too.
One time she bit me and I slapped her. Not in the face but on the upper arm. Not so hard as to cause an injury but hard enough that she understood I meant business. I also told her about an inch away from her face that she will not bite me. Then I cleaned her up, she ate a nice meal and was fine. I worked for her for a few years after that. Sometimes she didn't remember exactly who I was but it was never really a problem.
When she would start up with being aggressive and violent, all I ever had to do to get her to calm down was get close to her face and raise my hand. She'd stop right away. Her family didn't do this. That's why they all had bruises, injuries, and bite marks.
Even when a person has dementia, self-preservation instinct can still be present. The violent and aggressive behavior might not be safe with me.
You have to establish strong and serious boundaries with your mother if you're planning on taking care of her. I made the mistake with my own mother and let her get away with far too much. The caregiving will ruin your life if you allow this.
If you can't be the adult in the room, then it's time to get help or place her in a memory care situation.
I'm not blaming you for losing your cool, but physical abuse isn't OK. She has an excuse, but you don't.
Now that there's been a physical altercation between you and your mother, you have been slapped in the face (pun intended) with the reality of the situation at hand. Mother cannot live alone and you cannot be her caregiver, plain and simple. She either needs to go into a Memory Care ALF or caregivers need to be hired to come into her home to care for her 24/7. It's just that simple. You stay the daughter, and let others be the caregivers. I will tell you that I could NEVER be the hands on carer for my mother; we have an oil & water relationship and always have. Dementia just exacerbates all of her ugly personality traits and makes her even more insufferable, so that's the truth of the matter, period. I choose to remain on half-way decent terms with her, so she lives in Memory Care. Otherwise, I may be where you're at now, no kidding.
Forgive yourself and plan the next move for mother. What comes next? Memory Care? In home caregivers? Make that call and then make it happen.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Take steps back out of arms reach. Tell her step by step what you are going to be helping her with. Dont just dive in and start doing them. It's confusing to them. Invading their space will not give good results.
Sometimes you need to walk out of the room ,take a deep breath and start again.
Reasoning with a dementia patient ...you'll never win. Always remember she isn't purposefully behaving like this...its the disease.
You might want to consult a psychiatrist who specializes in dementia. Finding out which dementia is rearing its ugly head is a step to helping her.
When I was caring for my mom and things were getting tough her primary doctor made that very suggestion. All I could think of was a new doctor....thats not going to be easy. But her dr made a statement that sticks with me today "You wouldn't go to an eye dr to fix a broken leg leg would you". Smartest move I ever made in my mother's behalf.
Hang in there
Does anyone have more information about this? It seemed to work for the benefit of both Burnt and the client, which is not the way we usually think.
I've had to use this tactic with other elderly clients and it worked just as well.
As you know children will test boundaries. They will see how far they can push and how much they can get away with. They have a sort of sense and will stop when the adult in the equation is serious.
I think it's possible that people with Alzheimer's and other types of dementia can still have self-preservation instinct. Like the fight-or-flight response still in tact. Even though their reasoning and memory are gone, their survival instinct might not be.
So when the hitting, biting, kicking, scratching, pinching, hair-pulling, and literally sh*t-flinging (I've experienced it all over the years) start up, it could be that survival instinct kicks in because the person they're attacking responds in a way that in their demented brains see as a threat to them.
None of the clients who were on my service that I had to take this approach with actually feared me. We would do all kinds of things together that their different conditions and levels of dementia allowed. The only time fear was ever present was when aggression or violent behavior would start up. The job has to get done though. A person can't be left sitting in mess or go weeks at a time without washing up and changing their clothes. So a caregiver has to do what it takes to get it done and it's not easy sometimes. No one wants to be harsh or seem like a threat to some pathetic grandmother or grandfather who's out of it with dementia. A person recovers a lot easier from a bit of fear or hurt pride then they do from a UTI or skin sores from lack of proper hygiene though.
I had one client who was a decorated WWII veteran. He had Alzheimer's pretty bad and used to get aggressive and violent when it was time to get changed and washed up. I can't tell you how many times I had to yell, 'Stand down, soldier!' in his face to get him to stop. He always did. Only for me though. Not his wife or adult kids or his other caregiver. Who knows what can be in their minds. Maybe he thought I was a nurse or someone he knew from the army back in the war. Who knows?
My Dad was dementia/Alzheimers and I couldn't get him to realize he was mentally declining and I was unable to get any one to to me either about what I was seeing. I was just told he is getting older and he seems fine. They are great at hiding what is going on to the professionals as they don't want to be placed in homes or have their driving privileges revoked etc. My suggestion is to get her to a geriatric doctor if she isn't already seeing one. If she is, and you are not happy, take her to another doctor. It took my dad being take. To hospital from him violently striking both me and my husband and reporting it as domestic violence to get him the help he needed. My dad left saying you're gonna regret doing this to me. I never did as he got treatment he desperately needed and while he didn't remember a thing.
There are patches for dementia depending on the how advanced it is. My husband uses them.
Best wishes.
She obviously feels like physical violence towards you is acceptable and you are harboring a lifetime of anger with her.
I completely understand and I, personally, will NEVER be my moms hands on care because of her belief that she doesn't have to respect me or my personal space or my boundaries. Some moms think that they can do whatever they want to get their way, not okay.
You should walk away and be her advocate and daughter, because she will probably resort to physical violence against you again.
You're right to refuse to be your mother's hands-on caregiver if she has no respect for you. It only gets worse when they need care.
If the time comes when my mother needs to be showered, diapered, and fed I will not do it either.
Hopefully the generations with kids who are not elderly will learn from them and will take some care about how they parent the kids. Especially their daughters.
Good luck & hugs 🤗
You say “we have to stop all of this backing and forthing and start focusing on reality.” But, sadly, you can't focus on reality, you don't know what hers is. No, you shouldn't have yelled at her. No, you shouldn't have slapped her. Did you tell her you're sorry?
Sometimes we're inclined to be impulsive and react in a regrettable way when we're confronted with situations that upset us. When caring for someone with dementia, you can't play tit for tat. And at the same time it's so hard to turn the other cheek isn't it. We try so hard to understand, but as a caregiver for someone with AD, we're treading on unfamiliar ground and we're going to make mistakes. Let those be teachable moments.
We all have our limits of respectful, compassionate caring. You need to determine what yours is. When we can no longer understand what's going on with our LO; when caring begins to affect our own health and wellbeing; when we feel obligated to care, it's time to look at other options.
I didn't apologize. I was so mortified that I reacted without thinking, She was abusive to me as a child, and after this incident and I physically reacted as an adult (I never have my whole life), it was almost like my mind went to "I will not become her punching bag as an adult".
But, the reason I came here for advice was because I'm now so confused as to how to handle things. She fights and denies everything. I've taken two months off work after she broke her hip to try to handle all of this, get things in order, and decide whether to leave my job and become her full-time caregiver. Family and friends are almost nil, and the ones who are around, she's pushed away over the years.
I wanted to honor her wishes/demands to live at home, and get that time to spend together, but with the help I'm receiving on this site (there are no support groups in my area due to COVID), I think I have my answer, and to save mental health for the both of us, I'm now tending toward going against her wishes and demands. Thank you again... Hugs
Thanks for your warm response. It's not easier for me to be stern with some of the clients, especially the ones I've gotten attached to over the years.
I would have no problem being so with either of my parents. In fact, I am not willing to provide the care to my parents that many of my clients have needed.
The doctor needs to give an accurate diagnosis. The more accurate the better. By this I mean the type of dementia she has can be very important.
You need POA and if a diagnosis of dementia is already in her medical files she might not be able to sign the papers giving you POA you may have to resort to becoming her Guardian. Please consult with an attorney that knows Elder Law.