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How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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I am getting to be more of a burden & want to have someone to come in & help me. And, find out more about an assisted living & nursing facility. I have no one to talk to or get out. I have health problems but I am able to get around with help.
Hi KeyLime, It's great that you recognize that your needs are increasing. Are you uncomfortable discussing this with your daughter? If so, why? If you don't currently require skilled nursing care, assisted living would be a place to start. Since you found this forum, you clearly have some computer skills. Try a search for assisted living facilities and add your zip code. That should produce a list of places in your geographical area. Make a list of your questions and call each of them - keep notes or they will get mixed up in your memory. Assisted living can provide the help you need AND give you social interaction with others. I think it is a win/win.
When you say “problems”, what do you mean? Do you feel you are being abused emotionally, mentally or physically? If so, and you have access to a phone, call the police. If it’s a matter of not caring for you properly, you obviously have access to the internet so look up your local Agency on Aging. They can help you find someplace to go. Or, you can call Adult Protective Services for help.
If it is a matter of just not being “on the same page” as your daughter, sit down and have an earnest talk with her. Listen to her feelings and opinions and then share your’s. Be kind and respectful since she has been your caregiver, but be firm in what you want. If you belong to a church you attend, speak with your pastor.
KEYLIME, speak to your daughter. You might be surprised that both you and her are on the same page. It could be that your daughter doesn't know how to breach the subject regarding moving to Assisted Living. If it would feel more comfortable, if there is another relative who is on your side, have that person come to be with you when you talk to your daughter.
Are you able to budget for Assisted Living? Depending on the area where you live, the price can vary. The average is around $5k to $7k per month.
There are some wonderful places that are built like a hotel, with 3 meals included in the cost in dining areas that resemble a restaurant and you order off a menu. There is weekly linen/towel service, and weekly housekeeping as part of the cost. And the best part, you will be around people from your own generation :)
I don't think you are ready for a nursing home. Doubt you would even be accepted at this point in time. Plus nursing homes are very expensive, where I live around $12k per month unless you can qualify for Medicaid [which is different from Medicare].
Calling the Area Agency on Aging is a great suggestion. Also a Geriatric Care Manager would be helpful. Many times they are social workers and able to help you and your daughter understand your needs.
Hello Darling dearest and keeper of the wisdom of ages! The best start here is to build up a circle of frieds on this site by poirimg your heart out and letting us know how you feel and how best we can help. Don't be shy...we love you...and are hear to pick up when Angels take a nap! Let us know how we can help and just know we are a step or a mile or a plane trip away...no kidding!
Dear key lime....this is how my mom and I solved this problem..of her living with me making us both miserable. I got her on a waiting list for a senior living apartment...after 3 months she got her apartment...it is based in her income..it's set up through out the building for easy mobility...there's a lounge for seniors to visit...an outdoor area(a covered patio) ...I called the local grocery store and pharmacy..they deliver..For Free....got her hooked up with 2 sr transport phone numbers....and recently found someone to come in x1 a week for 2 hours to clean. This allowed me to destress enough that I do some big Walmart runs for her once every other month..and take her to her dr appointments. She fought me at first..still wanting me to do it ALL...u had to be firm...and it was hard..I felt guilty..which I think was her goal...counseling helped me realize I had in fact not deserted her...anyway mom sees others in the building use the services u asked her to use...so now all is fine...she's happy..has friends..and I have my sanity ..lol...and don't resent doing ocassional things for. I hope this helps u! Maybe you qualify for help for a personal care aide etc....see what's available to you...also I set up moms cable, phone...etc to come out of her bank act...I balance her checking act...online banking. Only ck she has to write is her rent...groceries..her hair apt...I hope some of this helps ....big hugs ...this was a rough journey! But thank God...and I sure do...there's a solution
1. The OP says she and her daughter are "having problems." She then explains that this is because her increasing care needs mean that she is becoming a burden to her daughter. I hope "having problems" is not too much of a euphemism.
2. We have not heard back from KEYLIME.
Is AgingCare a mandated reporter, does anyone know?
Would you mind sharing what exactly your increasing needs are?
Do you suffer from any particular illnesses?
What’s your financial situation in general, meaning can you afford an Assisted Living Facility? Do you have Medicare or Medicaid?
Understanding better your situation can guide us to provide better advice.
Finally, a person that realizes their own situation and looks for a solution is NOT a burden. You’re very assertive and resourceful (looked for help online and found this site), a solution will come soon, I’m sure. And if you can, find a way to talk to your daughter; she’s probably as conscious as you’re of the situation getting out of both of your hands, but may not know what to do; she’s probably dealing with guilt and frustration. Talk to her when you see she’s more approachable and share with her your wishes, make sure to tell her she doesn’t have to feel guilty about you wanting to source your care somewhere else, because this is your decision made by yourself and for yourself ( I know you probably are doing it for her too).
Truly hope you’re doing ok, and I’ll say an special prayer for you today!
Call your local elder services office. Perhaps, like where I live, your town or city has an outreach person. They can connect you to people who can provide the information that you are looking for. Ask them to send you the info that is discussed on the phone. Depending on your income, you may qualify for some help. They will send out a nurse and social worker to assess you. Bring your daughter into this. It will help both of you. Ask friends if they have hired any help from an at-home care business. Some are better than others and you need to shop around and test drive different people to find one or two that are the right fit for you. You can do this!
As others have suggested there are agencies out there to help you through this, if you are having a hard time figuring out how to find the right one your primary care person should be able to help point you in the right direction. There should be a service that will send a social worker out to you who is well versed in the various options and can make suggestions, provide info, after getting your information. I suggest making the appointment to have them come out when your daughter and any other family member or friend who is involved in your care can also be there. This way you both/all get the suggestions and info at the same time. They are also skilled at helping the discussion along, helping you get your concerns heard and everyone communicate. If that isn't enough to help set things in a direction that makes you feel better or you need more "sessions" and help communicating (sometimes just having a buffer person is what you need) that is available in various forms as well. You obviously care very much about your caregiver and not over-relying on them, good for you. I can't tell you how much I now appreciate my how practical my grandmother (on fathers side) was now even though I thought she was being controlling and over planning originally.
An 81 year old feels she is heading for trouble and asks for advice. She then vanishes. Oh well never mind eh? If I knew who she was, I would ask her if she was okay. That's all.
Dear KeyLime, we really do care. Oh, how I wish my Mom had been able to take your approach. You have great insight. I hope you will keep the dialog open with us so we can brainstorm together. Hugs.
I hope all is well with you Keylime, I would love to hear more from you to get your perspective. We don't get to hear from the ones we care for, this would be very helpful. God Bless you and stay strong.
My father has ALZ too which I live with Mom and Dad to care for them. Mom had a sudden altered mind state the first of August. We have had a lot of trouble getting along, to the point I question if her being mean and demeaning is to chase me away, as there are good days that we talk and she feels guilty that I am not able to get out and socialize and “have a life”! I then started getting her out of the home as I knew she had cabin fever also. But then she started feeling guilty of the money being spent, as my parents will be broke in 4-5 years, and I have also thrown a boat load of money to help. My thinking is if I keep good records then I can be reimbursed when it comes time to sell the home!
Isolation can make you go stir crazy and if you think this may be part of the problem then go to church, a Co-dependency Support Grouo, or just to a movie or bowling! Find new friends! Or find an assisted living facility that you can meet new friends and give your daughter a little more space! She obviously loves you, or she wouldn’t be in the home with you!
In the past I've had trouble finding a post I have made for myself. Maybe Keylime is having trouple seeing this one and it's responses. At any rate I left her a message with a link to this thread, just in case.
No way could I ever live with my daughter and her 5 dogs and 2 cats! Plus she is very sloppy, probably because I am so neat. My son has a 13 yr old at home, and his wife has heart problems, so that is out too. Fortunately, I have sold my house when my husband died and moved into a nice apartment complex for seniors. If and when I need assisted living or memory care, I have the resources to pay for it, although of course it will reduce any inheritance my children might have. I don't know what will happen when today's workers (like my children) retire, as most of them don't have the great pensions and IRAs that my "Silent Generation" has.
Just out of curiosity how long has your daughter been your caregiver? Has it been a long time and there is a stress factor? Or is it a new situation that needs adapting to? What was your relationship like with your daughter before this?
Your post is worrisome because
You should always always be able to talk comfortably with your caregiver without fear.What caregiver would not want help to come in to ease the workload and provide respite?Same with having outings that would provide a break for the both of you.
Never think of yourself as a burden. Regardless of the level of care that you need you are entitled and should be provided at all times the highest quality of life possible and using all the resources that are at your disposal. Negative thinking about yourself leads to acceptance of substandard treatment and bad behavior at a time when you need an advocate and a protector.
This is Your Life and you should be able to live it in a healthy and safe manner that makes you happy.
I do hope these problems you mentioned or just a misunderstanding between you and your daughter. If they are serious issues I hope you find help to fix the problems and protect yourself.
I hope you return soon with an update. As you can see there's many people here a little worried about you.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Try a search for assisted living facilities and add your zip code. That should produce a list of places in your geographical area. Make a list of your questions and call each of them - keep notes or they will get mixed up in your memory.
Assisted living can provide the help you need AND give you social interaction with others. I think it is a win/win.
If it is a matter of just not being “on the same page” as your daughter, sit down and have an earnest talk with her. Listen to her feelings and opinions and then share your’s. Be kind and respectful since she has been your caregiver, but be firm in what you want. If you belong to a church you attend, speak with your pastor.
Are you able to budget for Assisted Living? Depending on the area where you live, the price can vary. The average is around $5k to $7k per month.
There are some wonderful places that are built like a hotel, with 3 meals included in the cost in dining areas that resemble a restaurant and you order off a menu. There is weekly linen/towel service, and weekly housekeeping as part of the cost. And the best part, you will be around people from your own generation :)
I don't think you are ready for a nursing home. Doubt you would even be accepted at this point in time. Plus nursing homes are very expensive, where I live around $12k per month unless you can qualify for Medicaid [which is different from Medicare].
Hugs
1. The OP says she and her daughter are "having problems." She then explains that this is because her increasing care needs mean that she is becoming a burden to her daughter. I hope "having problems" is not too much of a euphemism.
2. We have not heard back from KEYLIME.
Is AgingCare a mandated reporter, does anyone know?
Would you mind sharing what exactly your increasing needs are?
Do you suffer from any particular illnesses?
What’s your financial situation in general, meaning can you afford an Assisted Living Facility? Do you have Medicare or Medicaid?
Understanding better your situation can guide us to provide better advice.
Finally, a person that realizes their own situation and looks for a solution is NOT a burden. You’re very assertive and resourceful (looked for help online and found this site), a solution will come soon, I’m sure.
And if you can, find a way to talk to your daughter; she’s probably as conscious as you’re of the situation getting out of both of your hands, but may not know what to do; she’s probably dealing with guilt and frustration. Talk to her when you see she’s more approachable and share with her your wishes, make sure to tell her she doesn’t have to feel guilty about you wanting to source your care somewhere else, because this is your decision made by yourself and for yourself ( I know you probably are doing it for her too).
Truly hope you’re doing ok, and I’ll say an special prayer for you today!
An 81 year old feels she is heading for trouble and asks for advice. She then vanishes. Oh well never mind eh? If I knew who she was, I would ask her if she was okay. That's all.
My father has ALZ too which I live with Mom and Dad to care for them. Mom had a sudden altered mind state the first of August. We have had a lot of trouble getting along, to the point I question if her being mean and demeaning is to chase me away, as there are good days that we talk and she feels guilty that I am not able to get out and socialize and “have a life”! I then started getting her out of the home as I knew she had cabin fever also. But then she started feeling guilty of the money being spent, as my parents will be broke in 4-5 years, and I have also thrown a boat load of money to help. My thinking is if I keep good records then I can be reimbursed when it comes time to sell the home!
Isolation can make you go stir crazy and if you think this may be part of the problem then go to church, a Co-dependency Support Grouo, or just to a movie or bowling! Find new friends! Or find an assisted living facility that you can meet new friends and give your daughter a little more space! She obviously loves you, or she wouldn’t be in the home with you!
Your post is worrisome because
You should always always be able to talk comfortably with your caregiver without fear.What caregiver would not want help to come in to ease the workload and provide respite?Same with having outings that would provide a break for the both of you.
Never think of yourself as a burden. Regardless of the level of care that you need you are entitled and should be provided at all times the highest quality of life possible and using all the resources that are at your disposal. Negative thinking about yourself leads to acceptance of substandard treatment and bad behavior at a time when you need an advocate and a protector.
This is Your Life and you should be able to live it in a healthy and safe manner that makes you happy.
I do hope these problems you mentioned or just a misunderstanding between you and your daughter. If they are serious issues I hope you find help to fix the problems and protect yourself.
I hope you return soon with an update. As you can see there's many people here a little worried about you.