My dad thinks I am my mom (his wife of 50+ years, deceased for 8)
I am with him 24/7.
I realize it is not uncommon for dads to see the younger version of their wives in their daughters, but he frequently says things like "...the other you..." or introducing me to others as his wife. It not only is disturbing and uncomfortable to me, but I find I put myself at a distance with him, both physically and emotionally which is totally against my character. I am by nature a touchy feely person, and I find I have to pull back from my own dad. The man I long to hold hands with, rub his aching shoulders, apply lotion to, hug endlessly. He has on more than one occasion attempted intimacy with me which makes me build the wall even higher. I dont like who I am, I like who I was, who he was. My heart is not only breaking, but shattering. He is my dad, always will be, but we live in different realities and it's killing me.
Just wanted to get that off my chest.
I wonder if seeing a therapist would help you deal with this. Please consider it. Talking it over with a professional may give you the tools you need.
I also think I will start addressing him by name, since my mom used to call him “daddy” (after 10 kids... who wouldn’t? Lol).
In the back of my mind though, is the reality he is seeing things that aren’t there. Hearing things that aren’t there, smelling things that aren’t there. He and my mom had a sweet, loving relationship. He is reliving that in his mind, and thankfully (at this point anyway) he is not letcherous or “grabby” with me. He sees me as his wife/my mom, and in a way it is kind of...well...sweet. It by no means is less disturbing to me, but in a way, it verifies how much he loved her. I am very lucky to peek into that area of his mind, but reality is I am NOT my mom and it crushes me to see the look on his face each time I remind him he is not being appropriate with his daughter.
Horrible, horrible disease.
It's hard. And it will likely get harder along his journey.Just breathe.You got this and your doing a great job.You need to remember though to take care of YOU too. Try to get a friend to be there with him a few hours and take some much needed downtime.If you burn out you are no good to either of you. Hang in there!
I am so very sorry that this is happening. You seem to understand it is the disease talking but that does not make it any easier.
I know dementia victims are without reasoning and understanding, however, I think I would explain who you are when the subject comes up. "Hey Dad, I'm _____." Maybe that might jog him back to reality.
I also agree that you must step back if he makes advances. It IS heartbreaking.
My mother (in late stage 5 Alzheimer's) accused me of wanting to do incestual acts while I would be helping her take a shower. Nothing was further from the truth. It made me nauseated and I ran from her apartment crying.
Darn disease, it turns our loved ones into creatures from another dimension.
May God relieve your stress and change your situation for the better, as you care for your Dad. 🙏🏼
My mom, a lifelong prude, became obsessed with sex when she had dementia. She called her NH a “brothel” and she couldn’t be convinced otherwise. When she got too out of hand, I’d say “Mom, be a lady. Ladies don’t talk like that!” It actually worked. Maybe tell Dad to be a gentleman?
I had to reduce my visits too. But it really helped when my adult daughter would go with. He always knew who she was. Daughter would strongly address me as Mom and him as Grandpa.
After she was at my home for awhile, I was the one who administered her personal care due to being one of her only two children (both sons). Mom began to identify me as my deceased father, and my wife as some girlfriend I had living with us. This drove my wife, who is confined to a wheelchair due to MS, up a tree, and put a lot of stress on me.
Mom never said or did anything of a sexual nature with me, but the stress of dealing with her mis-identification and my wife's reaction to it created a very stressful situation. One time it became too much, and I almost lost it with Mom.
Eventually, during that time at my home, Mom adjusted, and since she has been in the nursing home the mis-identification has occurred only a very few times over a two year period.
I always greet her with "Hi Mom, it's Steve, your son", and leave her with "Goodbye Mom, I'll see you again soon."
My wife goes with me to visit her from time to time and I am happy to report Mom always remembers her name and the visits are very pleasant for all.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
It is embarrassing to hear the love life stories as though we are equals, but at least my situation doesn’t involve physical advances. VK
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