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My dad has major depressive episodes. He is 64 years old and these started about 6 years ago when him and my mom divorced. I am 29 years old and the oldest of 4 kids ages: 29,27,25, and 21. My dad lived with me, my husband and our 2 daughters who are preschoolers for the last 5 years.
A month ago he moved into an independent retirement apartment.
He is retired and spent about 95% of his day laying in bed each day when he lived with us. He refused to shower and did not socialize with anyone except for me and my family, and a very occasional visit form one of my siblings. We thought having space to himself, but also having a maid, meals being cooked for him, and social activities would help him so we suggested the apartment to him. He was hesitant but agreed that it would be okay.
Over the past month I have called him once a week and visited him once a week on a different day. My siblings have not reached out to him at all. When I called yesterday he stated that since I saw him the previous Wednesday he hadn't eaten, had anything to drink, and had not slept, he also threatened self harm so I had to take him to the hospital to be Baker Acted. They did not find anything physically wrong that would cause the lack or eating or drinking. I am unsure what my role should be going forward. I love my dad and want to see him get better but I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed.
I am unsure what we should do when he is released? I do not feel like I am capable of continuing to help him when he refuses to help himself but I also don't think that not seeing him is a good option.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what my next steps should be?

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I think you need to wait and find out what the doctors say. Then you need to tell them, very firmly, that you cannot care for him. And explain how he was at your home and then his apartment. You cannot have him living with you because you have two small children to care for. That siblings aren't involved. That there is no way you can make sure he takes his pills on time or correctly. That he needs to be somewhere that he is cared for 24/7. If it means allowing the State to take over his care then so be it. 64 is young. He could be like this another 20 yrs or more.
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Ask the social worker assigned at the hospital what his/her plans are for your Dad. You are not able to manage him. He clearly gets suicidally depressed. They will try to get you to take him home; placing him may be difficult. They are in a better position to plan the care and know more resources. DO NOT LET THEM PASS THE BUCK TO YOU; YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO HANDLE THIS. STICK TO YOUR GUNS FOR YOU DAD'S SAKE AND YOUR FAMILY'S. IT WILL NEED TO HAPPEN SOON NO MATTER WHAT.
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You won't really be able to control what's going on in his life until he is diagnosed as being cognitively incapacitated. Then, assuming you are his PoA, you could force him into some sort of locked care facility if you could get him there in the first place and he wasn't cooperative. But it's already been proven that he is not participating in his own improvement so everything will be a fight to get him to do anything for himself. He has to want it. Guardianship by you/your siblings will be very expensive to pursue through the courts. Then once you have it, fighting to get him to do what is best for him.

If I were in your position I would seriously consider reporting him to social services (assuming no one is his PoA) and allow the county to get guardianship of him. They will care for and protect him and you can go on living your life with your husband and kids WHO ARE THE PRIORITY, not your dad.

He can check himself out of AL if no one is his legal PoA or guardian. He will need to pay someone to make sure he takes his meds while in AL (and he can't be forced to do so). In a facility he can't be forced to eat or drink. You must think deeply and carefully about whether you want this to drag on in your life since he's young (only 64) and this could go on for many years.

Finally, please please do not plan on paying for his care IF he even agrees to a facility. Help him apply for Medicaid. The cost of care is eye-watering and unsustainable unless you are fabulously wealthy. This robs from your own family. Please don't consider this an option, no matter what. Your siblings are under no obligation to participate in his care, as much as that thought pains you. But they have perhaps found healthy boundaries that you are just now discovering. Wishing you all the best as you move through this and make decisions.
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JoAnn29 Sep 2021
My Mom's AL was in charge of his meds and the Medtechs dispensed them. It was part of her care plan. Mom nor any of the other residents were allowed medications of any kind in their rooms.
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Excellent advice already given. Please do not agree to accept him back into your house -- not appropriate for your family. And do NOT pay for him to live elsewhere.

Do not agree to take him back in when a facility social worker promises it's just for a little while, until they can line up help, or whatever. Once he's in your home again, they will not help you at all. They just say that to get him off their caseload.
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Do not sign anything! Do not pick him up from the hospital. The hospital wants to discharge him and pass the responsibility to someone else. Don't make it easy for them.

Talk to his social worker at the hospital. You can also call Adult Protective Services. Be honest about not being able to help him as much as he needs. They can give you ideas and access to resources.

He needs more care than you can provide so don't feel guilty about not taking him home. You know that you can't give him what he needs and it would be irresponsible to let anyone think you can do it. You need to take care of yourself and keep healthy boundaries or you won't be able to help anyone.

Depression is not the same as mentally incapable. I can tell you care about him and want to help him. It is terrifying when a loved one refuses to help themselves. Unless he has some kind of dementia, his medical care and daily self care, is his own responsibility. You have have no legal right or obligation to make his decisions unless you are his legal guardian (not the same as POA).

I'm in a similar situation with my mother. She promises to cooperate and as soon as she gets back home, it's the same behavior as before. She doesn't want to be in the hospital and also refuses to take care of herself, which sends her back to the hospital. Her medical care staff have told me repeatedly that it is her choice and we need to respect it even though we know she is hurting herself.
I have to remind her (and myself) that she is responsible for her choices and the consequences.
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KaleyBug Oct 2021
Many hospitals now will just put the patients in a cab and send them on their way. It is risky to just say I am not picking them up.
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it seems your father can not handle independent living since it requires self-medication. Many people with depression find the medications' side effects difficult to manage. They tend to stop taking medications rather than tell their doctors that they are having side effects. He might do better in an assisted living facility or halfway house that accommodates people with mental health issues. Make sure that they provide structure and feedback to keep their clients interacting with others and caring for themselves. Social services where your father is currently in the hospital should be able to help you with placement.
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There is definitely something wrong and someone needs to figure out what it is and what to do about it - even if it means a new doctor (interview several before making a choice). Then consider placing him where he would get care. DO not bring him home as it will cause major problems for you and impact your life. Make sure he has some place to go when he is realeased - not home with you.
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JMooney421: Imho, he may require medication to manage his major depression so that he will be able to function, somewhat.
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My sister had clinical depression and her last episode entailed psychosis. She took her life. I have walked in your shoes, and it is horrendously difficult to find care and support. When your father is released, find out what medications they have given him. Make sure you have an actual doctor (a good psychiatrist) evaluate his file. Try to get him on disability if he is not already, and then watch him closely. It’s a huge responsibility. Depression is an insidious disease and those who suffer with it and their family members have a life sentence. It’s exhausting and financially draining. It’s impossible to work when a person with depression cannot get out of bed. Call NAMI and ask for resources. Severe depression can be a fatal disease much like cancer. The best thing you can do is tell the hospital that you need help. YOU REALLY need help. Going it alone is not an option. It’s too difficult. Financially, I am hoping your father has some money for a caretaker. He should have one, just like an elderly person has a caretaker for dementia. Is he a veteran? If so call the VA for help or call Medicare to find out what he qualifies for. I’m so sorry you have this burden.
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It sounds like you have your hands full with your own family, two young children and a husband. You are not obligated to be the full time caregiver for your father when he has the option to have assisted living in his retirement apartment. Thats more than most people have the luxury of affording. I wish I could offer that to my dad. So don't feel bad, you don't need to. Unfortunately no one has the ability to pull him out of these depressive episodes other than himself, if he is not willing to accept help. That doesn't mean you have to stop talking to him, of course. Be there for him, but make sure you establish boundaries and don't put your own life on hold because you have other responsibilities to attend to.
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