My dad and Facebook. Any advice?

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My dad and Facebook. Any advice?

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My dad keeps posting on Facebook for attention. For the most part, I try not to let it bother me. I know that oftentimes he feels alone and overwhelmed as he cares for my mother and he needs support. And when he posts, he gets that.

I don't really like it. Mainly because it feels disrespectful to my mother. I'd rather not act as if she's not here. But I'm not her primary caregiver so I don't say anything.

However, now he's basically started lying in these posts. Saying what a bad day she had and he's so sorry he hasn't been able to answer messages, etc. On a day on which I was there all day and it was a GOOD day. Far from bad. There is no other reason than for sympathy and attention.

I don't know what, if anything, should be said, but this is actually keeping me up at night.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Caregiver Support Family Caregiver Parents

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One of the things that worked for me with my son was asking if he wanted to see a post like what he had posted about his girl friend about his Mum(privately). That stopped that sort of post.
Not sure how you could relate that to your dad. I guess you could ask him how he would feel if your husband said something similar to what he's saying about you?
Good luck

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Unfriendly him and stop fretting about it. You will not change him so the only thing you can do,is,change how you react to the situation.

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I think I may be late to the party, but the question was intriguing enough that I thought I would chime in.

1. If the spouse is posting with genuine concerns/feelings, then I would see what support and resources I could suggest - as referenced by posters here.
2. If he is posting just to get sympathy, not a lot you can do.
3. If you feel he is posting falsehoods, then maybe you can tactfully post a response to temper things. Example: My wife had a terrible day today. Your response: Something benign like "Dementia is a terrible thing" or "I miss the way Mom was too" - something that takes the focus off him and puts it on your mom - to hopefully temper the perceived "disrespect." Maybe share in his posts photos or other positive remembrances of your mom.
4. I almost never posted about my mom on Facebook. I too viewed it as disrespectful and an invasion of her privacy, even though she had dementia and really didn't have a clue about Facebook.

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My father is also my mother’s full time caregiver. It’s a lonely, time consuming and thankless task, one he isn’t willing to emotionally let go at this point.

He has always been one that loves his alone time away from everyone, but enjoys small times with company. Blessed there. He is a very private person, that’s the hard part for us (his three daughters).

We convinced him to move close to our youngest sister and found a cabin in the woods with a lake. It’s perfect. Step by step we improve his quality of life, while he cares. We joke with him that we the sisters are plotting against him. 😂

we work as a family to provide him with time away to be truly alone, emotional support he needs, breaks he needs.

the reason I’m telling you this is because he might be lonely and depressed. My dads outlet was to shut everyone out. Yours is to post lies on Facebook to let everyone in. He needs a social life that doesn’t involve caring for a woman that he loves but isn’t really there (sorry that one of hardest parts to understand)

find his balance, his hobbies and passions, have deeper conversations with him, if you want have him teach you to care for her, have Him make plans for an escape (short ones first) then longer ones.

stop thinking about him as dad, but as a man, the lost, the pain, the experience he is going through.

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When my brother in law was in hospital waiting for heart surgery, the things his wife was posting on FB were incredible. As in not credible. She is/was an attention seeker and it was her way of being in the spotlight.

I learned to ignore what she said and ask their daughters for updates.

I did not know for a very long time that it was possible to remain a FB friend, but not follow a persons posts. When I stopped following some peoples' posts my stress levels went way down.

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Some people use FB for communication. Others use it for ‘creative writing.’ They missed their calling as fiction writers!

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Yes, I would try to let it go and not tell him. Unless you think perhaps he needs a group or someone to vent to, and you want to try saying something like..dad, I noticed your Facebook posts lately and I’m concerned that you are feeling ...(stressed,overwhelmed,sad, etc) do you want to talk about it ? Sometimes I have read you can get counseling services for caregivers and respite care through agency on aging . Or ask if he just needs a break. Don’t be judge mental or angry ..just try to be there for him .
also, it is much better than him constantly doing it in person..or doing both . My sibling would give us other sibs a difficult time if we tried to help, we never did anything good enough..such as making mom dinner or if we took out what places we went ..or that we didn’t ask doc a certain thing or get a refill on prescription ...and even if you said oh I didn’t know but I’ll call in to office ..he’d sigh and say no he would handle . So basically most stopped helping although I never did. Eventually this sibling, who parents had actually helped support for ten years after a job loss, was making parents life miserable ..and they refused to allow me to intervene ..either from fear or just avoiding conflict. It made mom feel awful and I think contributed towards her losing the will to live. Also, brother told all our relatives that he was only one who did Anything , and acted the martyr...would actually get angry when one of us helped her while at a family event since ..it made him look bad somehow . I think it was just that it didn’t follow the narrative. But I would catch him rolling his eyes with a cousin and saying ..it’s all for show ..or ..about time they help ...which was not true. I am not one to make family issues public..except anonymously..so I have never told relatives. Just difficult , at moms funeral especially to see him Acting it up. I give credit for caregiving but it was not really that difficult plus had outside help as well. Also , he used moms credit card whenever and also made cash withdrawals which mom knew about but didn’t want to make a fuss. For funeral did the most expensive funeral lunch with moms money..when a simple church one would suffice. Most of these folks never even visited during the long illness ...why feed them at all?! I would have had some coffee and pastries at the church..especially since graveside was immediate family only and not at date of memorial service. Also , without asking rest of us he told relatives he’d make it later the next week to allow them more Time...meanwhile we rushed there from out of state and had hotel booked for just a few days ..was actually no real reason then for us to have come until the viewing . My hubs and I had done all the preplanning with mom at funeral home when she was still able, so most things were arranged.
Facebook can also be strangely addictive for some reason. Especially when not having usual social outlets

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Seelye: I noticed that I'm seeing this late and that you've alreaedy come to terms with the social media account and his postings.

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Help4mom,

I am out of the loop with Facebook. My daughters have it. My husband and I don’t.

That is so sad. Scams are awful. I get scam phone calls and texts. I put an app on my phone and still get them. I block numbers for the texts and still get them. It’s robo calling and texting and extremely annoying. It’s horrible when people get scammed.

I suppose they do it by mail too by claiming a person won a contest or whatever. My brother would cash the checks sent in the mail!

My elderly uncle was almost scammed. His email was hacked. Thank God he spoke to family members about it. Someone got his email contacts, pretending to be my uncle’s best friend, he asked my uncle for money saying that he was in a jam.

My uncle would have helped him out but he questioned it because his friend is wealthy. They prey on the elderly. So sad.

I still get the fake IRS calls. If I am bored I play along and drive them crazy! They get mad and hang up on me. I usually just hang up.

Geeeez, I remember playing on the phone as a kid with my cousin. It’s ‘kid’ stuff but adults doing it is criminal activity.

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I agree with Ms. Randall. My MIL gave I’ve $50k to a “love interest” that my husband and I discovered months before she past. If she had lived longer, this may have disqualified her for Medicaid. We also found several used iTune cards, text messages, and a Facebook page of a man who told her he was on an oil rig. Family helped her with paying with for her prescriptions and that is what she used to help this guy (that was really a crime ring) during his multiple mishaps. Good luck & God Bless.

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Every day is a bad day from his perspective. It's not the life they used to have. It's not sympathy or attention. It's what their life has become - totally different than before.

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I doubt it is for attention. My brother lives far away. I called him every few days with updates on mom. My perspective as a caregiver was different then that of my dad witnessing the down sliding of the love of his life for the past 77 years. My dad was always seeing the negative of her daily life when I saw the real difference between good days and bad. I made it a point to say on good days how well mom did, standing eating talking, and alertness. Let your dad post what he wants. One thing I would do as a daughter though is go on the account and change the settings so only friends can see his post, not friends of friends. Also change the friends list setting so only he sees it and no one else. This limits some of the predators asking to be friends. If you can check the friend list to make sure none are profile made yesterday friends and not real people. Don’t block dad just snooze him for 30 days. This way if someone says did you see what dad posted is he ok? You can slip over to his page and look.

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His perspective and your perspective are different. It sounds like he make be experiencing some burnout. Brainstorm with him about positive ways to get interactions with others. If he is busy with more positive ways of connecting, FB rants will be lessened.

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He may not just be seeking sympathy and attention with the posts. You say they exaggerate the truth but it could very well be he is posting what he truly feels/thinks/experiences. Caring for my Dad with advanced Alzheimers made me realize how difficult it is. You may have thought it was a pretty good day, but to your Dad it was just another in an endless stream of difficult days. If he can vent his fears and experience to Facebook he is not complaining to you! Make sure it's set to friends only and let him continue. It's his only release of the frustration, anger and fear he is dealing with constantly.
Best of luck to you.

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I agree. It may not be sympathy or attention he craves, but simply the feeling that he can say what he wants in a place where someone is paying attention. That is almost the same thing as sympathy and attention, but not quite: the focus is on the ability to say what he is feeling, not on what he might get in return. It can help a lot to vent when you are overwhelmed.

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Your Dad I assume is a competent adult, entitled to make the best decisions for himself He lies about how well his day went so he can get sympathy - so what.

. I would be concerned about the potential for fraud and abuse -- which can happen online. So someone needs to stay involved to be sure he is not vulnerable.

Seems to me the issue is how you feel. You might seek some emotional support for yourself. Prehaps even some personal counseling tohelp you deal with you anger toward your dad.

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Wow, that would freak me out, too. Can you introduce him to a group like this one? Even a group for caregivers on FB?

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Go look up this link for 'Munchausen by internet'. It's a creepy subject, but you might learn something to help.

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A good day to you may not be one to him. He's overwhelmed and Facebook seems to be the place where he's getting the responses he's looking for. Have you talked to him about how you think it feels disrespectful? The concept of "too much information" might not have occurred to him.

Do you take over her care and let him get out of the house for respite? Does he have household help coming in? Caring for a spouse, especially when one is elderly himself, is ten times the job it is for a younger person, plus an able-bodied spouse's world becomes incredibly small and isolating. Your dad is making a cry for help, if you ask me.

If anything, I'd make sure his privacy settings are set to "Friends Only" so the things he posts can't be seen by friends of friends, or worse, the whole world. Also make sure his birth year and location aren't on his profile. You don't want anyone who isn't an actual friend knowing that vulnerable seniors are out there ripe for the picking.

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I completely agree, MJ1929! As the wife of a man with dementia, I can totally relate to the father’s perspective. As this horrid disease progresses, the caretaking spouse becomes trapped, isolated, and has no time for whatever hobbies or interests used to give them pleasure. Caring for someone who becomes child-like, while still treating them with the respect they expect and are due as an adult is exhausting and, at times, incredibly annoying. While the mother may seem to be having a good day because she’s talking and interacting, the burden of running the house is still totally on the Dad. It’s also possible that he found the mother’s conversations frustrating because whatever she was talking about never happened. In my case, I pay dearly for those wonderful visits with one of the kids because it triggers my husband’s crazy false memories and I’ll be catching an earful of crazy questions and stories for days afterwards. Until you spend a few days - ALL day and night - being the sole caretaker, you can’t really know what his life is like. And that wouldn’t even account for the fact that the father is older so everything takes longer and is more effort. I agree that he’s getting burned out and needs a vacation - WiTHOUT the mother - to recharge. Personally, I haven’t read a book in at least 3 yrs. Things I used to do in a couple hours now take days or weeks. There is NO time for anything that required a block of uninterrupted time. Sounds to me like the father is sinking and the FB posts are cries for help. The last thIng he needs is to be told he needs to be more respectful of his wife. Besides, how is sharing her condition disrespectful? Pretending she’s fine and hiding her condition further isolates the Dad and places yet another burden on him. We caretakers are constantly getting advice on how to reassure our loved ones and ways we can make their lives more meaningful and easier. For ourselves, we get the old platitude about how you need to take care of yourself, too. But rarely does someone do anything that allows you to do that. Short of bending time so our days are several hours longer than our loved ones’ days, I haven’t found a way to take care of myself. I doubt her Dad has either.

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I agree with the 'blocking dad's posts'. I am not friends with my DH for the whole year coming up to the elections. DH is smart and argumentative--but also can be snarky and rude.

After so many people asked me what is WRONG with him (nothing, boredom, maybe, a love of argument, LOVES to 'tease') I just blocked all comments from him.

Sure makes my life better. If there is something he posts that is truly funny or uplifting, eventually he'll send it to me as a email.

You don't have to be friends with everyone :)

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He must be getting some satisfaction for doing what he does. It’s an annoying issue you but he must be enjoying it.

I am not condoning lying. Maybe it is something to occupy his mind as a distraction of sorts.

Sounds like he is a creative writer though. If your mom doesn’t see it she won’t even know about it.

Try to ignore it. He very well may get bored with it later and stop. Not sure how you could get him to stop. Maybe he is living out some sort of fantasy.

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Thank you, everyone. You're right. I should let it go. It isn't about me and it isn't hurting her. The thought came to me that what if, one day, one hour, of wonderful lucidity, she got on Facebook and saw this? But I know that isn't going to happen so I shouldn't worry. She was just the last bright, creative, intelligent, active person I thought this would ever happen to. Never saw it coming.

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Block him on any computer she can get to, so she can't see it, if you are able.

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Block Dad. Don't read these. They aren't about you. They are hurtful for you to see. But these aren't hurting your Mom. They are like the well-hidden pile of Playboy magazines, a relief to Dad and not harmful to Mom unless she sees them. Or to you unless you do. As to Dad's FB friends? He will get the sympathy and attention he requires and then those friends will get on with their day and forget all about it. Just as we would if Dad posted here.
He is having a hard time. Not like he can skip on down to the pub for a pint. Not as though he can even sit on a park bench and visit with people. He can't complain to you overmuch. (and must you not have your own outlets to speak your piece? Because you SHOULD).
This is no disrespect to your Mom any more than a pile of Playboys would be. This is about Dad and HIS needs. I say tell him honestly "Dad, I blocked you on FB because while I know you need to share what you feel, it is hurtful to me, as daughter to you both, to see it.
Don't rob your Dad of this simple relief. Just don't go there. Please. It is like pulling a hangnail. You are hurting yourself, knowingly hurting yourself.
I am so sorry for the pain for you all.

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Maybe she should block him and say nothing about it to him. I'm not sure that anything is to be gained by telling him. (I'm not on Facebook, so maybe I'm overlooking something.)

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My mom was my Dad’s caregiver for his last 2 years and she only started doing pitiful FB posts after he died...about her grief and loneliness. And like you’ve experienced, some have been posted within hours of my leaving her home after having what I thought was a nice day! We live in the same community and attend same church, so we have 200 mutual FB friends!
Her FB antics have almost cost us a relationship....I had to finally decide to keep her on “snooze” but it’s shocking how many people see her posts and make comments to me about them! Her latest showed a woman looking up at a noose (YES!!) and contemplating suicide...with a story about a little boy knocking on the door at just that moment, rescuing her. Good Lord, the people who gave her love for that. I was mortified! To think she told me that I was “unladylike” when I was a girl for smacking my gum or sitting with my legs apart! All I can think, is she wouldn’t like this bahavior at all if she could clearly see what she is doing. It’s our burden that many can and will relate to...we have to love.

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I think I would mention, in a note, to Moms doctor about the Meme and her little story since u say Mom suffers from depression. Even if its an attention getter, its a lie. And may show suicide tendencies or the beginning of Dementia.

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Caring for someone diagnosed with AD is the most difficult, unsettling and frustrating experience one can have. It'll drive the caregiver to the brink of insanity. You are correct, he is looking for attention. He needs to know someone is listening to him and sympathizes with his plight. As caregivers we all need that. What good would it serve to deny him that outlet? It's more of a problem for you than him...let it be.

Does he spend the entire day at home alone with his wife? If so, it's time for some respite and hiring an aide to visit every so often. Now that facilies are opening up, I would suggest him attending a support group. That's probably wishful thinking because very few men attend them.

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My brother did this through the little caregiving he did for our dad. His portrayal for FB was far different than reality, it was clear it was for attention and sympathy, and I found it gross. I’m the last human not on FB as I find it all too often simply an online brag sheet. I have a friend who says “no one can’t pay their bills on FB” HA! Anyway, I never said a word to brother on this, for whatever reason he needed it. But if and when someone mentioned dad to me after seeing it, I’d just say he was doing okay, not nearly as bad as one might think. I didn’t mention brother, but they got the idea

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You're not alone--I'm not on Facebook. It appears one's private information can be compromised, the information can be provided to advertisers, and, frankly, I don't really care what everyone I know is doing these days. If I want to tell someone something, I just take the time to email, and people I know send me emails. (And I don't use a smartphone, either.)

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I think you just need to let this go. You said it yourself, that "there is no other reason than for sympathy and attention," and you're probably right. Caregiving 24/7 is tough for anyone, and if your father gets the support he feels he needs, by posting things that aren't always true, just to get attention, then so be it. Who is he really hurting by doing this? Perhaps you might need to stop reading his posts, if they are upsetting you to the point where they are interfering with your sleep.

One thing I have learned in my many years of caregiving for my husband and that is you have to learn when to pick your battles. I don't think this is a battle worth fighting. Best wishes.

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I fully & totally agree with you! Until you are in it, caregiving FULLTIME, you won't understand it! The daughter may end up being his fulltime caregiver & then she will get it, especially in this Covid-19 environment with not many outlets available for respite/self care.

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My dad and Facebook. Any advice?

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