My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year. When I first met him he was much more available. As time progressed his mother's serious health issues have taken over. He still lives at home and cares for his mother who is mentally unstable and very selfish and needy. He has an older sister who moved out before their mother's health issues got serious. She is now married and starting a life with her husband in a new city and is not involved in caring for their mother.
Whenever I try to tell him that he deserves that life too, he feels to guilty to leave his dad to deal with his mom.
The future conversation has come up several times with my boyfriend and I and he has said that he will never leave his parents. Eventually his mom will pass but he feels too guilty to leave his father. I always remind him that people have children to be able to go have their own lives and that it is not fair to let his parents consume his whole life. He has mentioned wanting to live with his father in the future and this is not something that I am open to. I have told him this and said that if we want different things in life, it's better to realize that sooner than later, then he finally agrees that yes one day he wants to live with me. I know he really does but I also know when the time comes he will never want to leave his father.
He also cared for his elderly Aunt regularly. Between his mom and his aunt, living at home and being treated like a child, having his whole schedule controlled by someone else, I just don't feel like there is any room for me.
I have been unhappy in the relationship and tried to talk to him about it, but it just overwhelms him. I try to tell him my expectations and instead of listening he gets mad at me and says that it's never enough for me. He is so consumed with other demands that he has no space left to think about me. I just want him to understand how I feel and put in more effort to make me feel loved in the time we do have together, but he just doesn't get it.
It's been increasingly challenging for me to understand what he is going through. I don't want to be insensitive but he won't make a change and I am not happy. I love him so much but his friends are also awful so it is hard for me to want to hang out with them. I don't mind once in a while but I tried to set up a date night and a separate guys night and this upsets him saying that I won't even try to like his friends and what did they ever do to me? In general he is pretty bad at time management and I know me not enjoying accompanying him on guy's nights makes it harder for him to fit in friends and me in free time but I just feel like if he loved me he would crave time alone with me and make more of an effort to somewhere find time in his busy schedule.
You know typing this out and thinking about it all signs point to the obvious- breakup. But as Im sure many of you can understand, I love this person. I want to be with him but even if I am not with him, it hurts me to know that he cannot grow up and have his own life. Between his controlling needy family and his immature friends who are nothing but a bad influence I always feel like I come in last priority. Of course he doesn't just ditch me for his friends all the time, not at all. But when he sees his friends it's like so much excitement and happiness it brings to him and when he sees me, I now he loves me but he is not expressive about it. It leaves me feeling like Im just stuck out alone in the cold and the worst part is he doesn't understand how I could feel this way about any of this. I try to explain it to him and it just always ends up in a fight. I just want it to be easy. I want him to get me.
To make matters more difficult his grandfather just passed away. This is the first close death that he has experienced and is hitting him hard. I'm trying so hard to be understanding and sensitive to him but I just feel like I try so hard to keep the relationship good and be there for him and he is too consumed to make an effort for me and understanding how I feel and caring about my needs.
(whilst on my " why am I such a screw up" journey)
that...
a SMART man learns from his mistakes,
but a WISE man learns from the mistakes of others.
Boy was this an eye opener! Unfortunately, I learned this AFTER I'd already made my life a sh* t show. 😨
But young people believe they and their situation is different. They think "if everyone would just listen to me, and do it this way"....
I do get it though, I didn't listen either at that age. All I wanted where friends who would co-sign my BS...lol....and if anyone didn't, we weren't friends. I too would "leave the conversation."
I do have to say, some of you guys have really been through it! I just want to say thank you all for being so honest and forthcoming with some really personal and painful stuff. I , for one, value it. 💚
My first husband was unspeakable, a bonafide sociopath. I was a fetus when I got married. Too young. He was going to kill me if I left. Take my baby from me. It was bad. I DID manage to get away with my baby but what a learning experience.
I was single 17 years after that experience. Second husband really is TOO indulgent, but he loves me because he feels it and shows it. I FEEL loved.
Unfortunately, I've known sooooo many bright, wonderful, caring women who pour all this compassion, thought, and effort into relationships with the wrong men, and I think this is clearly one of those situations. Women are still conditioned from a very young age to "save" men and do all the heavy lifting in relationships, without ever asking ourselves if we even like the guy anymore.
Sadly, some guys would rather gnaw off their own arm than risk facing a woman's anger or tears, which is why they do things (like cheating, like acting distant, like neglecting their partners) that push the women into being the relationship enders. I think this is one of those situations.
"Your mom just wants someone who thinks she's terrific, all the time".
Why yes, I do, thank you.
Need, you deserve to love someone who loves you back and who admires and appreciates you. You need to move on from the unreciprocated affair.
( Not that into sex?. My daughter had a boyfriend like that. He's gay. )
When a guy wants to be with you, he'll move mountains to be with you. He will AT THE VERY LEAST put you first and not let anything stand in his way. Why over-analyze everything and make excuses for him? He's clearly not The One, and we can all see that in your original post.
Sorry to be the hard truther here, but you deserve so much better than this, and we all want you to have it.
I just hope she'll flounce off from Hopeless Herbert - who clearly doesn't have the, er, wherewithal to be honest with her - with her ego intact.
This girl ‘is in love’. That’s what she thinks.
Needing Advice—have at it sweetie.
I didn't realise this was a new arrival to the forum - as was pointed out, we get so many similar posts and Needingadvice just sort of blended in.
I hope that the penny will eventually drop for this young lady and that she will move on and find someone who, when he says that he really wants to live with her, means that he really wants to live with her. As opposed to that he would rather chain himself to the floor in his parents' basement, literally if need be.
Hopefully needingadvice will calmly re-read the advice given in good faith. Her relationship is about to go *poof*.
Her man is tied very tightly to those apron strings ( either parent) . If you are still out there,
needingadvice, I would drop him. Not worth it.
I do not appreciate the negative responses in which I was falsely quoted and given advice based on incorrect assumptions.
For that reason I am now leaving the conversation.
A few weeks back there was another discussion similar to this. The person did the same thing you are. The OP found fault with the suggestions and comments made. You asked "what can I do". I think there is not much more that can be said. Good Luck.
Growing up in a verbally abusive house hold that controls his whole adult life. All I want is for him to be happy, not change him (like a lot of people are assuming).
Thank you for your advice though. I appreciate your thought and definitely can see your point.
Also I never said his aunt was sick. Also I never pressured him into moving in with me instead of his dad. We just simply had a conversation about how we see ourselves in the future and I shared my goals/wants and he shared his. I'm not trying to change him. He DOES want to live with me but the control and guilt that he feels from his family makes it so he can't have something even if thats what he wants. He wants exactly what his sister has to be moved out and happy and having his own life. And I never pressured him to leave his widow dad or else I would break up with him.. thats not how that conversation went... Our conversation was that if our future goals don't work together it wouldn't be fair to either one of our's happiness. Like you said being open and honest.
I appreciate your attempt at advice but I don't think you understand the situation. Instead it feels like a personal attack on how awful I am that I am trying to change him. No, I just want him to be able to be happy in life, which he is not, under the control of his parents.
You are just going over board with negative assumptions. Never said a lot of those things, but thanks anyways.
I appreciate everyone’s input. I have not left the building just very busy and didn’t have a notification that I had answers until late last night.
As for the first response my boyfriend is not a sexually driven person. I understand that for most men this would be likely but that is not the case here.
Move on.
No, I don't think that's all that's going on with him, and I'm not even saying that makes him a bad person. And it might not be how things started out when you two met, but I think it's where things have ended up. With all the pressure on him right now - yeah, to be totally blunt, I suspect he finds it easier to hang onto someone who fills his sexual needs, because sex is one of our most basic, fundamental drives, and it's one less thing he has to worry about.
I'm not even saying this is just a "guy thing" - some women do this too - but it's a thing that guys are more likely to do, just because they've been more socially free to do it, for a longer period of human history. (This is going to balance out between the genders before too long.) I know guys who've gone so far as to buy rings for their girlfriends, with no intent of ever marrying them, just to keep them quiet and maintain their easy access to sex. Heck, I know guys who have MARRIED for access to sex....and usually regretted it and ended up divorced.
And frankly, I don't think being in a relationship for the sex is a bad thing, either, if that's what BOTH parties want out of it.
It's not what you want out of a relationship.
Maybe you think I'm wrong. But here's what I see.
When you first met, he was totally into you. (All new sexual relationships are like this.)
Now you feel like there's no room for you. (Trust your feelings.) Talking about the relationship overwhelms him. (Because he doesn't want to deal with it.) He has no space left to think about you. (This is not how true partnerships work.)
He doesn't really want to be alone with you; he wants to fit you in with his "friend time." (He gets his companionship from them, and sex at the end of an enjoyable evening.) He is excited and happy to be with his friends but he's not expressive with you. (See previous.)
Under the threat of losing what he has now, he's said he wants to live with you someday, but he's also said many times that he will never leave his father. (He's under pressure so he's throwing you a bone to keep you from walking away.)
He is "too consumed to make an effort for (you) and understanding how (you) feel and caring about (your) needs." (He is not in a serious relationship with you.)
Maybe others will disagree with me, and maybe you think I'm wrong. But I have a suspicion I'm right.
Please don't hate me. I'm trying to help you see that it's definitely time to move on and look for the relationship you want, because this isn't it. When you're full of the wrong thing, you have to let it go so you can make room for the right thing.
needingadvice - I think you ought to stay and tough it out. He is worth it.
Let's see. Here are the problems that you have.
You don't like his mom.
You don't like his dad.
You don't like his aunt.
You don't like him taking care of any of the above.
You don't like his life being consumed and controled by the above.
You don't like his plan to move in with his father after his mom passes.
You don't like his friends.
You don't like him showing so much excitement and happiness with his friends.
You don't like that he doesn't express his feelings for you.
You don't like that he doesn't grow up and have his own life
You don't like that he doesn't make time for you or put you first.
You don't like that there is no room for you in his life.
But you love him. What is it exactly that you love? No matter. We/You can change all of the above by plucking him right out of his world and plopping him somewhere in your universe where his mom, dad, aunt, sister, and friends don't exist.
I think you should hold your breath, threaten to break up, have more fights until he realizes the error of his ways and divorces everyone near and dear to him, then you can have him all to yourself. Happiness finally!
Sorry for being sarcastic, but sometimes it brings the point home more clearly.