She uses a walker, has macular degeneration and uses glasses and a magnifying glass in order to read anything, is almost completely deaf, and must use the bathroom frequently. She lives in an assisted living, needing help with medication, bathing, etc., and we handle her bills, etc., due to memory issues and because she refuses to make any decisions for herself (this last one is a lifelong issue for her). She is a nice lady, pleasant, and is fastidious, but she does sometimes say things loudly that maybe she shouldn't probably due to her profound hearing loss and we have to yell (even though she now has hearing aids) in order for her to hear us. The car trip would be three hours each way with a two hour funeral and probably visit with her sister and family for a short time afterward. She is unable to be away from AL overnight, so we will do the trip in one day (whether she goes with or not). We are willing to take her to the funeral (we would go to the funeral anyway), but are wondering if it is a good idea for her to go. Also, it is very cold here. Of course, if the weather is bad, we would not go. If we do take her, what kind of tips does anyone have to make it as uneventful as possible and as easy as possible on all of us. We are 75, and physically not as strong as we once were. We have suggested she wear the disposable underwear, but I doubt if she will do it. If she does not want to do something, she will lie in order to not do it. She is very aware of her physical appearance, and that is very important to her to the point of affecting her judgement or making good decisions. We will talk to the people at AL to see what they think, but they do encourage people to get out. Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated.
Find out if the funeral will be online or offered as a video. That might be the best way for all of you to participate.
And you may be right – and lucky. But one practical thing I would do is to check M’s clothing to be sure that she really is wearing continence underwear, and that she is bringing spares. Tell her in advance that you will be checking physically, because you cannot risk her not telling the truth. If she won’t tolerate that, you can’t assume that she will go along with any other reasonable request you make.
And you are quite right in guessing that I wouldn’t do it myself. My luck is not that dependable!
The going to the bathroom thing will lengthen your drive time a lot.
The home encourages going out, not taking a 10 hour + trip all in one day. Too much.
Does she sundown at all?
Would you go if it weren't for her wanting to?
If she's not even willing to wear protective briefs, she is unreasonable and doesn't understand what she's asking of you. Dementia robs people of reason, logic, judgment and empathy. I know you didn't mention dementia but she may have the early stages of it based on what you've described.
Did she seem genuinely grieved when she found out he passed? If you don't mention it, does she remember he passed? Would there be others there she would know and remember?
At your ages, is this something you think you can pull off? Do you want to do it?
Based on an experience I had in taking my Aunt with dementia to a funeral, I would not feel inclined to take her. If she brings it up you can tell her a therapeutic fib, that they're predicting bad weather, or your car is in the shop, etc. But don't mention it to her if she doesn't bring it up.
Whatever it takes, figure out a way to not take her to the funeral.
I can't tell you how many weddings, funerals, family reunions, etc... I've been to over the years.
People don't want to spend the money. So one family member usually gets stuck babysitting the elder.
It's worth every penny hiring a private-duty aide to accompany an elderly LO.
Second, it becomes an overnight trip because she will need to be based somewhere. The travel time and day is too long to do in one day. Clear this with the AL. There's no good reason why a resident cannot have an overnight stay somewhere. She's not in prison and they have zero right to tell you an overnight stay is prohibited. They don't want to keep an eye on her place and make sure no resident with dementia or not with sticky fingers wanders into her room when she isn't there and rips her off. So they can lock the door to her room.
Third, a private aide is hired (that she pays for) to travel and stay with her. This aide sleeps in the hotel room overnight with her and gets her ready. They handle any "accidents" (I'm sure you know what I mean) and anything else.
Make these the conditions. If they are met you take her. If they are not you don't.
This is not someone who understands what it is to compromise or make a burden light. I recently got stuck in highway traffic for two hours between rest stops. Happens ALL the time.
She doesn’t realize how tiring this will be on her and you? I wouldn’t do it even if you could spend the night there after the funeral.
Just explain to her that you have thought about it and that you feel that it isn’t a good idea to go.
Pick out a nice Sympathy card and let her write a personal note and mail it for her. Or send flowers, plant a tree, make a donation to a favorite charity, etc.
My mother loved sending cards for different occasions. Sending a card allowed her to feel involved.
When my mother’s brother died, we sent flowers to the funeral home. I let my mother select the bouquet. My uncle lived on the east coast and we are in the south. There is no way that mom could have made the trip. She wasn’t up to flying for several hours.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
I am 74 and my answer would be no especially with incontinence problems. Since this is an Uncle who lives 3 hrs away, I would think twice about going myself. I would need to be close to him.
My 95 yo mother wants to go on a cruise. That ship has sailed pardon the pun.
Your mom does not realize how difficult a trip this would be . If she were cooperative in wearing incontinence products AND her paying for an aide to come along it might be doable.
But with her not willing to contain the incontinence in a proper product , and that she may lie and say she’s wearing one and she isnt , it’s a NO GO on a trip .
We had a similar problem with my father in law. He wore one Depends anywhere from 12-24 hours every day and it would leak because he refused to change . So no long car trips that he requested . He had dementia and refused to change, he insisted he wasn’t wet .
We would ask him to use the bathroom before going out and he refused . We stopped taking him to our house for holidays because of him leaking on the furniture. We resorted to just a short trip to the diner early in the day ( twice a month ) when we knew he had put on a new Depends when he got dressed.
So we told him the doctor said he wasn’t well enough to travel .
No way. ….Hugs 🤗