The tension in the house is bad. We are walking on eggshells whenever he comes out of his room or throws a cuss fit about something. He is in fair health. He has invested in our home and bought my only sibling a condo so I feel trapped. My brother lives far away and does not invite him to visit or live there. It is so hard to stay positive myself and not let my marriage, or my mental health, suffer. Any advice from someone trapped in this same box?
If he lent you some money, you can pay him back by borrowing from another lender. Then he no longer has ‘rights’. You still need to deal with the expectations that he can live with you, but you can be clear about your ‘rules’. And if he doesn’t stick to the rules, he needs to find somewhere else to live.
If he is a joint owner, you need a lawyer to sever the joint ownership – and you will still need to pay him back. More difficult, but still possible.
It may be worthwhile being the people who finally say “NO” by spelling out these options – and his if you use either of them. It will be very difficult, but he does NOT have you over a barrel. This could go on for almost a decade, so don’t ruin your lives.
More information about the legalities and any written obligations would help me explain the legal options.
Yours, Margaret
Brother does not appear to think that dad giving money created an obligation to house and caregiver someone who clearly needs a higher/different level of care.
Why do you?
Dad didn't "invest". He gifted.
Think carefully – would you accept a gift from a stranger-giver that came with an obligation to give unending toleration to someone who is “negative, mean, antisocial and rude”? I bet you wouldn’t, unless you were starving or a slave. So don’t.
Perhaps this is a good time to buy and read the book “Boundaries”, and work out your own. Then tell Dad what they are, and what his options are if he chooses not to follow them. To make it clear that you are serious, lend him the book, give him a phone number for take-way delivery service, and stop cooking for him next time he goes over the line. Have courage, Margaret