My 89yo dad lives with my husband and I. I am his full time caregiver.The past few days he has thought I’m his wife. How do we handle?

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My 89yo dad lives with my husband and I. I am his full time caregiver.The past few days he has thought I’m his wife. How do we handle?

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He is absolutely heartbroken that I am married to my husband and not him. He keeps asking how to make things right between us, and crying about it. I have tried to redirect him, deflect his comments, explain how I’m his daughter, and his wife has died. He was married to my Mom for 25 years then divorced, and was married to his 2nd wife for 35 yrs. I think the fact that I have had to do personal grooming/bathing for him lately started this delusion (dad is very modest). I am looking for any help I can get regarding this!

Alzheimer's & Dementia Family Caregiver Memory Loss Mental Health

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You might want to think about getting a caregiver to help out.
You can decide if you want the caregiver for just the bathing aspect or if you want someone else to do most of the personal caregiver. This could be dependent on your dad's reactions if you are helping with toileting.
You could try talking about what you are doing ad you do it. You could also give him a wash cloth so he has something to do and is more participatory rather than passive as you are doing personal grooming.

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Reply to Grandma1954

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Have hubby do his bathing and grooming. Limit his intimate contact to toileting - and consider getting a bidet attachment for the toilet. Keep reminding him that you are his "caregiver" and not his wife.

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Reply to Taarna

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I had the same problem with my dad with dementia, who kept begging me not to marry my husband and to “honor my marriage vows” to my dad. He got angry with my husband and me, and posturing in an aggressive way with stare downs and yelling at my husband, who usually just quietly left the room saying please excuse me for a moment. Finally a caregiver suggested that I stop bringing my husband when I visited my dad and that was the only thing that helped. My dad was not living with me however. I imagine you couldn’t prevent your husband from being around when you are with your father. There is no amount of presenting facts or photos that will help, just distraction and experimentation with changing the environment and routine in whatever ways you can. My heart goes out to you and I wish you peace in knowing you are managing this the best that you can.

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Reply to HonorAble

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You’ve gotten some advice here that would have helped me 3 years ago when my bed-bound dying father was talking similarly about any woman who helped him in an intimate way, including me who needed to help him at times when nobody else was around. My dad, too, was a very modest and religious man through his life. So I was taken completely aback when he would tell me, “there’s a woman (or several) who comes here who is in love with me and wants to marry me- I’ve seen it in her eyes.” I really didn’t know what to say, so I would try to reassure him that these women already had their own husbands, were “nurses” doing a job caring him, and I, too, had a husband and was his daughter who loved him but as his child. No, he would say, and then repeat what he said. So I tried to change the subject, put on music, ask if he wanted a foot rub, which he always did and would drift off to sleep. A few times I asked my husband to help me with intimate tasks for dad, which I thought might help dad feel less like it was just me and him in an intimate situation. Mom was frail and couldn’t do anything for him that required physical effort. I figured that the closer he got to death, the more he could not make sense of the processes he was going through. My sister refused to help him with anything where his clothing was removed. OTOH even though it was uncomfortable for me, I could not bring myself to refuse helping him when there was no one else to do it. We cope as best we can. His hospice nurse said his delusions are common. Now that he is gone, I am so grateful for my memories of helping him those last months …and sometimes my husband and I even have a chuckle over it.

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Reply to InlandMeg

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Cincou: Due to dementia, he lacks the capacity for logical thought processes.

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Reply to Llamalover47

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I wonder if it might help if you dressed up like a little girl? Hair ribbons, short gathered skirt, dangly bunny pendant, etc? Call him Daddy. Look like the little girl you once were, and perhaps still are in his mind about his daughter. Just a different option to try?

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Reply to MargaretMcKen

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What a bizarre suggestion.

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I did very, very personal help tor my father. I had to when he needed cleaning up in the night. Once he gave in I was allowed to help him in many personal ways and he was very modest. An aide did the showers unless he needed one when she was not around. Meanwhile, my mother with dementia was telling everyone at the home that I was her husband's mistress. People acted like they believed her. Not sure I can help but give it time.

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Reply to Sharon44

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I apologize, but reading this recalls when Witch Hazel (from Bugs Bunny) was getting on her broom, but doing so in a way that her slip was not showing.

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My husband had passed away by the time my dad came to live with me because he had dementia. My oldest son was here a lot during that time as he was converting what had been our office into an apartment I could rent out. My dad kept saying he didn’t think my “husband” liked him being here. Of course I’d tell him “remember dad, Paul died, and that is my son, YOUR grandson!” I had to kind of laugh that my dad would think I’d have a husband so much younger than me. I don’t know if there is really anything you can do about it except keep repeating the fact that you are his daughter, it might be a phase that will pass as the disease progresses. I also had to help my dad with dressing, bathing and even going to the bathroom. It’s hard to have to do all that with your parent of the opposite sex, but we are all just humans and it’s a very loving thing to care for them.

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Reply to Dizzerth

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You should back away from the personal grooming and bathing. Hire an aide to provide that care.
Since your dad lives with you, you will probably have to remind him daily that you are his daughter, and not his wife.

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Reply to CaringWifeAZ

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I’m not sure whether the bathing is the cause of this delusion, but it’s probably not helping. My father in law went through a brief phase where he thought I was his wife or girlfriend. I’ve heard it explained as he’s living in a past life, when he was a young husband so of course you must be the wife. Your options are have your husband bathe him, get a paid caregiver a few times per week, or place him in professional care. You probably won’t convince him he’s wrong but you can try to redirect.

The solution that works today may not work permanently. If he gets too insistent about you being his wife and decides to press the point physically, you may have no choice but to place him.

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Reply to iameli

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Can't tell from your profile if you live in a city, small town, out in the country, etc., but some "Adult Day Programs" in cities now off 'bathing and grooming" as part of the fee for the Day program. They also trim finger and toenails, haircuts, etc., and it's just a wonderful thing to do. Would you have anything like this in your city or town? Dropping your Dad off at a Senior Adult Center where he could socialize, have a meal, etc., PLUS get a good bath, shampoo, personal grooming, etc., would be a Godsend for you! Drop him off for 2-3 days per week, and you would get immense relief from this uncomfortable situation.

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Reply to fluffy1966

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The person may not realize they are confused, so approach with patience- gently correcting them, offering reassurance, and maintaining a calm and loving tone can help navigate the moment with dignity.

if it were my dad I would say no dad it’s Jenny your daughter
I’m just helping you
Hopefully it was just an off moment of confusion

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Reply to Jenny10

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I also don’t have an answer other than what you are already doing. Just letting you know you’re not alone. My dad was similar, but it was for a fairly short time. He lived with my sister & brother-in-law. My brother-in-law was able to help some with showers which seemed to help a little with the delusion. We also played music while he was in the shower & as much as possible tried to stay to the side & out of his line of vision. It’s hard when you live together. You could try to get help to come in for showers, etc. but that doesn’t cover every time you’d need to help him with personal hygiene.
So continue to redirect/deflect, see if you could get someone else in to help with showers at least a couple times a week & hopefully like my dad, it won’t last for too long. We ended up needing to get help with showers as things changed anyway because he started resisting us. So getting help with showers may be something you need to look into anyway as things change. Over time we did get our daughter places back in his mind. Wishing you the best. It’s a hard thing to go through & deal with.

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Reply to Ltracy

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I fully realize it is hard to live in their alt-realities. However, it does NO GOOD to try to correct him and explain to him. Your Dad can no longer process it. As long as your Dad doesn't attempt anything physical just go along with his reality. Try to make pleasant chat with his responses. If it is physical gestures, I agree, it may be time for personal hygiene help. My wife's son died 2 yrs ago. She can't process his death. So whatever she says about him 'not visiting', I just go with the flow and make general conversation like "I don't know why he hasn't come to see you; he DID move away. Maybe his new job keeps him busy." Things of that nature. In your case, if your Dad says he loves you in a marital way, just say what his wife would have said. Like 'You Ole man, of course I love you!' To try and correct him just leads to more confusion.

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Reply to NoTree

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Wow, that play on the brain to pretend… now we understand that the caregiver desperately needs a respite to function in true reality, versus pretend reality with dementia. But I understand your advice to avoid the dad’s confusion & repeated questioning. Deep sigh….

(3)

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Don't respond (buy into) his delusion. Change the subject, redirect. Talk about a planned event or occasion. A visit to or from family. Any happy or pleasant thought.

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Reply to AnnetteDe

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This isn't advice; it's just sharing a funny personal anecdote in this regard, and we all need a little humor, especially when dealing with Alzheimer's. My mother-in-law, who had Alzheimer's, often thought that my husband (her son) was her (late) husband, and that he was having an affair, with me! We were once visiting her in her Memory Care unit, she pointed at me and then told him to "get that heifer out of here." I left her room and went into the communal living area and didn't say anything at the time, but when Hubby and I got back into the car, I let him have it. I told him, "How dare she call me a heifer. X number of extra pounds does not a heifer make, and even if they did, it was a rude thing for her to say," and then he explained her delusuion and confusion about him being her husband and his "unfaithfulness," and "heifer" was her term for "the other woman, (not a pudgy one), to which I replied, "Gee, thanks." Isn't that sad that I'd rather be known as a home-wrecker, than a woman with a middle aged spread. That's what society does to us, or sometimes, what we do to ourselves. You'll be happy to know that after all this time, I've put "heifer" behind me. (Just ask my hips.) I found that writing about these incidents helped. My musings became a book,"My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (My mom also had Alzheimer's, and she and my dog were diagnosed with their respective health issues around the same time, and I was the caregiver for both; hence, the title) Like you, I tried to deflect when situations like this occurred, and now, I can reflect, and like others have said, it can be a somewhat common delusion. I have no answers, only empathy.

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Reply to rlynn123

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There really is no help.
This is extremely common in later stage of dementia.
I think that the best thing you can do is educate yourself by online research on the disease and by watching a whole ton of Teepa Snow videos about communicating with elders with dementia (youtube, still, I do believe). Also consider getting some books on the subject.

There will come a time when it is really not sustainable to attempt to do in home care. When visits are better for yourself AND for the person suffering this disease. I think you may be coming to that conclusion yourself, and only you can make the decision in that regard. Other than that there is the simple and repetitive "No Dad, I am not _____; I am _________". Won't work for any amount of time, but there you are.
I am so sorry.

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Reply to AlvaDeer

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Hello AlvaDeer. Do you know of a good book to share with my mother-in-law (86) about dementia? She’s an avid reader (of mystery & war history). Thought it might help her understand what her husband is slowly but surely experiencing in early stage of dementia. Dad did not get an official diagnosis, so to her, dementia will be an interesting subject to read about & maybe help her deal with the current changes. They will be moving & downsizing into an Assisted Living home. Thank you.

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Stop doing his personal grooming and bathing

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Reply to anonymous144448

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Would your husband be willing to do his personal hygiene routine for a while? Just try it to see if it makes any difference?

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Reply to Geaton777

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Cincou, you may have already implemented these, but toilets such as Bio Bidet are a Godsent for the bathroom issues. Also, a 'washlet" is now available that takes up less room to attach to a existing toilet (I "think") Having the warm water wash UP towards the LO's bottom can get the job 90% done. Do look into these and your Dad might get to like the "bottom wash" that these innovations provide.

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Perhaps hiring an aide for bathing a few times a week would help. A male aide would be a good idea , but may not be as easy to find . You could check with some homecare agencies .

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Reply to waytomisery

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My 89yo dad lives with my husband and I. I am his full time caregiver.The past few days he has thought I’m his wife. How do we handle?

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