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my mother has moderate dementia and is risk for falling so she cannot live alone . I have a sister that helps out during the day when she can, but has no way for my mom to live with her ( both would be insane quickly)
I have the room for her and she has enough savings for 24/7 help for a few years so I can still go to work and keep her with us.
She does not want to go to a nursing home and I really do not want her be somewhere that we will not be able to see her on any kind of a regular basis like we do every night when I gethome
the biggest stress issue for me is that almost every day she tells me she needs to figure out a way to leave because she hates my husband and she knows he hates her - my husband does have some days where her presence is overwhelming but he certainly doesn’t hate her.
when she starts cursing at him she tells him to leave her, which he does and then accuses him of walking out on her in middle of the conversation
i feel bad my husband gets the brunt of her anger ( she will occasionally yell and curse me too) and I feel bad that she can’t find some peace in living with us at home because we really care about her.
This is not the mother I knew that was always so kind and polite and understanding and now I am always in the middle of this fight trying to make peace by telling him she is not well, and not to get upset she is so mean m, and by telling her that he is really trying to help,
but it just isn’t working especially with my mom.

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Why would you subject your husband to such an abusive person? Get mother placed in Memory Care Assisted Living and cut down on this stress for ALL 3 of you. It's not working at home, so fix the problem.
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Ritagrosz Jan 6, 2024
Unfortunately at this point that is what she is saying- he hates me and wants to out me away. She is not demented enough that she will willingly go to a facility and that will just make everyone more unhappy
i still want to see her and talk to her in the many
konemts she is the mother I got along with so well. I want her grandchildren and great grandchildren to be able to easily visit because this makes her feel better.
i care very much about my husband but as my mothers days grow numbered I don’t want to have choose between them or throw her out because she is sick and isn’t thinking clearly.
That would be too heartbreaking for me
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once someone gets combative and doesnt Listen it is really stressful . my Mom would Not go to bed and thought I could Lift up up from a wheel chair into a bed and Out of the bed to the wheel chair to a chair to stay up late watching a TV . Mind you I had to drive back to the hotel . I knew nothing about Dementia . She would Not Listen and kept calling 911 and they were getting angry . Finally the VNA Nurse showed 2 weeks after her discharge ( my Mom was No way Independent as I was told ) She became Demanding , scared and paranoid and acted Like a child . I felt bad and was changing diapers . She would say " thank You for helping me " She got to a Point she could Not hold her head On the Pillow and swallowing was a problem . She could Not taste or smell . Once the VNA nurse arrived we called 911 . I got to the Hospital and the Nurse took me aside and said " she needs 24/ 7 care here is the Name of a attorney , you need to find a Nursing Home . " I Found a good NH , dealt with the lawyers and medicaid and visited her everyday for 2 months . Then I had to go home . She died a Month and 3 weeks later .
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Your response to your mother is “telling her that he is really trying to help.” As you say “it just isn’t working.” So try a different response. Walk out when she starts criticising him, saying that you don’t want to hear her being rude and will only return when she can be polite. Or tell her that if she can’t be pleasant to both of you, both of you will agree to place her even though that’s not what either of you want to do.

You have already found out that just “being nice” is a waste of time. Persuasion doesn’t work. So change your reaction, and see if that works better. Make it so that she has an incentive to be nice.
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Here's your last post

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-mother-is-now-living-with-me-permanently-after-a-fall-and-now-feels-homeless-what-should-i-say-to-484983.htm

I will assume here Mom has Dementia or is in the early stages. I can understand you not wanting to put her in a NH but...your husband comes first. When you marry you leave your parents. Your husband and children are #1.

I think Mom needs a good physical and if not seeing a Neurologist, she should be. Labs need to be done to check her potassium levels, her B12, her thyroid and other levels. A Neurologist can confirm Dementia and what type. Maybe Mom would do well with an anxiety medication. The one thing you don't do is argue with someone who has Dementia. They can no longer reason, comprehend or process. Thoughts just flick thru their minds and they are verbal about them. Just agree and try to redirect.
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You don’t think it’s traumatizing for your children and grandchildren seeing her abuse your husband as she does?

Your husband comes first.
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Ritagrosz Jan 7, 2024
She doesn’t do it in front of anyone
ir is just me and her aide in the house
on the phone and when people come she is perfectly behaved
and set she insults him and I tell her that she was really not nice she apologizes to him and they have a good bonding conversation …. Till the next time
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Call Dr. Laura. Southernwaver called it like it is. Dr. Laura will tell you how to handle Mother.
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Can I leave the room when she gets nasty and come back in a few minutes and explain that I can’t listen to this and will have to walk out. Can she be trained like a child to not curse out people or we will walk out till she is stops
can age control herself if she wants to?
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MargaretMcKen Jan 7, 2024
Some people say that with dementia they 'can't be trained'. Our very experienced professional carer Burnt is adamant that yes they can. They can pretty soon put two and two together and stop abusive behaviors that come back with quick results to them that they don't like.

Worth a try?
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This is not working. It is causing distress for all involved . Your mother may not be happy no matter where she lives .

Or perhaps she would be happier in assisted living ( maybe memory care ) .

You need to put your marriage first.
If Mom is unhappy in a facility , so be it. She already isn’t happy at your home. Don’t let her make you feel guilty .

IMO it’s time for a facility . And put on your thick skin because Mom will probably give you a tough time about it.

Dementia is a beast . You can’t fix Mom.
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You tell us
"She does not want to go to a nursing home and I really do not want her be somewhere that we will not be able to see her on any kind of a regular basis like we do every night when I gethome
the biggest stress issue for me is that almost every day she tells me she needs to figure out a way to leave because she hates my husband and she knows he hates her - my husband does have some days where her presence is overwhelming but he certainly doesn’t hate her."

At the point that my mother decides she hates my husband, it doesn't honestly matter a fig to me whether she wants to go to a nursing home or not, because that's where she IS going.
I consider my nuclear family my first priority.
Only you can make your own decisions about who matters most to you.
And I can only wish you the very best of luck with that decision.
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If my mother said that about my husband I’d send her packing to a NH so fast it would make her head spin.
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She should go to assisted living, nursing home , whatever works out best and is close by.
Then you can visit every day, as you wish.
Your husband can visit occasionally if he wants, or doesnt need to visit at all.

SOunds like she just has to be out of your house.
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Waay too late in the game for me.

My MIL hates me with such a loud passion. It's almost a family joke.

Except it's not particularly funny.

My MIL has verbally abused me for 45 years. Only in the past year as DH has to care for her has he actually SEEN and HEARD what I've been dealing with all that time. He's had a couple of serious fights with his mother, who wants him to divorce me so she can 'die in peace'.

I know, it seems incredible. But it's the way it is.

Dh tells me constantly that MIL is 'sick and crazy' and I have to adapt. Nope, she wasn't sick and crazy 45 years ago. There's no excuse. All he had to do was stick up for me waaay back when and this wouldn't have become the nightmare that it is.

Luckily she does not live with us and I have zero contact with her.

It is not what I wanted in a relationship with my MIL. I hate it, it still has the capacity to hurt me and the family teases me about being the scapegoat, which also isn't funny.

Your situation? Get your mom out of your house. That toxicity is just not worth it. Over the past year I have vacillated between staying with DH or leaving him simply b/c he's so depressed and awful to live with. I won't divorce him, but I'd go live elsewhere.

Your Dh deserves to have a happy home. Probably only by evicting mom are you going to get that.

Good Luck!
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BurntCaregiver Jan 14, 2024
@Midkid

How awful your MIL is. When she finally goes you should celebrate. Buy yourself something nice. Take a dream vacation if you can. Or have a get together with friends. It's good that you have zero contact with her and that you're able to. Many times a spouse just moves mom or dad in and everyone is supposed to adapt.

I agree, it's not funny that the family laughs and teases you about being the family scapegoat.

My mother is to me my whole life like your MIL has been to you for the last 45 years. My family also jokes about and thinks it's funny that I'm her scapegoat. Anytime something would go wrong or happen one of my sibs or cousins would always say how I was in for it.

There were times my family and my mother's friends were actually sorry about how she treated me and they were sorry for me.
Not one was ever sorry enough to confront her about it though.

I brought in homecare for her and I speak to her maybe twice a month now. If one of our phone calls lasts a whole five minutes before I end it, that's a long conversation. I keep in touch with her aide that calls me a couple times a week. My mother is literally unable to hold a conversation with me that isn't complaining, instigating, contrary, negative, and verbally abusive. She can with other people though and does.

So I leave it to others to call her and engage with her. I don't.
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She needs out of your house, yesterday. There is no reason why a man has to be abused in his own home.
Find a care center for her to move to. It is your responsibility, and you need to be strong and make the hard decisions.
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There is no reason your husband should put up with this. SHE doesn't want to go to a NH so SHE needs to behave herself. have you pointed that out to her? No one should have to tolerate this in his own home. Move mom out.
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MeDolly Jan 7, 2024
Appears that a major part of this puzzle is the OP herself, she wants to keep the mother living with them. Priorities are out of sequence.
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Her mind is broken. This will get worse. It seems in your mind that you do not want her to go into care. So be it as your decision along with the consequences of keeping your health, sanity any your marriage intact. I wish you luck
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Put her in memory care where she belongs now. You can still care for her. You can still see her every day if you want to. You can be a good advocate for her to and make sure she is well cared for.

What about your husband? Do you have any love or care for him at all? If you do then you'll the right thing and get your mother placed in memory care.

Dementia is a terrible illness. The kind, polite, understanding mother you knew and loved is not here anymore. Dementia took that person away. The person it left behind needs to be in memory care because that is the right decision for her and for you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your mom, but I will tell you something and it comes from 25 years of experience as an in-home caregiver to elderly people with dementia. I have seen many once happy and loving marriages end in vicious and bitter divorces because a needy parent or in-law gets moved into a home.

Don't do this to your husband. Don't do it to yourself. Put your mother in memory care where she belongs.
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MeDolly Jan 12, 2024
Spot On!
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You don't want to place your mother in a Memory Care facility cuz you want to see her daily...do you want to continue to see your husband daily? Cuz he is bound to chuck in the towel at some point. One can take only so much abuse before you can't take it any more.
If she is not on medication to control the anger and outbursts you might want to give that a try while you are looking for Memory Care options for her.
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