Seriously, I love my mom and help her the best I can. All the physical things I do, buy groceries, cook, trim her hair, take her to the bank, do a little around the house, is EASY! What I am going off the deep end is the Emotional toll. She literally hates everything in her life. Her house, her yard, the leaves that fall into her yard, her wrinkled and bruised spotted skin, bills, having to write checks, her car, and sometimes I think she hates me. She is so lonely. She tells me she is miserable all the time. All the time. It get so old hearing the constant complaints. She use to not act like that. It was hard to please her growing up because she wanted perfection but she never told me that she was miserable and wanted to die. My father has been dead for 15 years. I am an only child with no kids. I am a teacher. I visit Mom every other day and stay for several hours but when I’m in school I only stay for about an hour and a half. I try to keep it together but I always end up crying or shooting my mouth off to her. I never acted like that before she changed. It will be 2 years in December and she had a health blip. It was a bleeding ulcer and she is physically fine. She doesn’t have memory problems. She can add and subtract in her checkbook faster than I can. The problem is she has given up and miserable with her life. She is envious of people living their life and she just watches. She used to be so active. Now, she barely goes out of the house. I know due to Covid, but her situation has nothing with that. She will not take any meds to try to help her emotional state. She says it is a stigma. She has no friends; mostly she has outlived family and phone friends. Anyway, sorry for rant but I just need some coping strategies for her day after day complaining and misery. She has financial resources but she doesn't want to go to a retirement/assist living.
thanks in advance for your ideas.
It sounds as though you may still be living as “dutiful child” rather than “compassionate but attached adult”.
”Mom, I understand you feel bad but there really isn’t much I can do. Let’s take a ride and get some ice cream at the Frosty Freeze”. “Not interested? OK, I have to get home because (whatever)” and leave.
After a few intermittent early departures she may whiningly ask why your visits are so short lately, and you can tell her, kindly, as a friend, not as a child, that it makes you sad to see her so unhappy and feel that you can’t do anything about it.
Any quick, short term, hands on time passers? Making masks for hospitals? Jig saw puzzles? Adult coloring books? Watching old movies on TV? Bird watching? Read best sellers?
You are doing all you can (and probably more), so don’t apologize for ranting, especially if the rants help you stay a little more level than otherwise.
She’ll either take some of your suggestions or she won’t, so enjoy
Although my mom is 95 with Alzheimer's and now is living in a memory care unit, I too am an only child who will be 58 in a couple of months. I'm married but do not have children. I am more task oriented so doing the things like you mentioned is the easier part and is what I've been doing since my dad died coming up on 16 years ago and it's been a rough road ever since. Believe me my mom did not want to go to assisted living. She wanted to stay in her home until she died. I just couldn't keep going back and forth to help take care of everything anymore - I did it for ten years. Being someone's emotional dumping ground is certainly exhausting so it's no wonder you are feeling burned out. My mom has always been a perfectionist too. It sounds like your mom has made negativity her world now. If you think about it, it makes sense. She's 88, has no friends because they have either passed away or got tired of her constant complaining (which would drive anybody away) and feels the loneliness from that, COVID came along and now she can't do anything even if she wanted to and it wouldn't surprise me if she is BORED and that's why she is filling her days and time with constant complaining - it takes her focus off the fact that she is aging and she thinks there's nothing left of her life but to die. Although I understand you wishing she would take medication for her emotional state, it's tricky to find the right one or combination of them. A lot of times, especially in older people they can become lethargic and then they really don't want or can't do anything. She is getting something out of it - the question is what? Do you think she gets some sort of satisfaction of bringing you down with her? They say "misery loves company". I understand it bringing you to tears and as you put it "shooting your mouth off" - that's your way of expressing your frustration with the whole situation especially, it you think there's no end in sight. Is there anything that the two of you could do together that would be enjoyable. Like playing cards or a board game, maybe renting an old movie and making some quick and easy snacks or going for a scenic drive and stopping at a coffee house drive thru and finding a spot to enjoy it at. I think the solution is going to have to come from you as she simply is not going to do it on her own. If you do decide to try something like that, show her your enthusiasm so she senses you looking forward to it. Getting started is the hardest part - I really think she needs something planned to look forward to and it could be beneficial for both of you! Obviously the pandemic will put limits on what you can do but, then again this is the perfect time to get creative - ask for her input so she feels relevant. A lot of times older people feel they no longer have anything to offer which can make them feel depressed. As for your own mental health/coping strategies, do something just for yourself that would be soothing/relaxing. Practice deep breathing in a quiet, comfortable room with maybe some soft, instrumental music playing in the background. Once again, make it something you will look forward to doing when the stress levels start ramping up. This really is no way to live for either of you - life is far too short! I hope you are able to find a solution or compromise that will work for both of you - Take care!
I am also an only, single, no kids, work fulltime in human services.
I can relate. Mom has legit grievances but is like a broken record.
Detachment is an absolute necessity, for me. The constant negativity, raised voice, memory issues (that sometimes lead to accusations) etc. have me feeling worn down, though. My practical responsibilities are easy. Dad is proving to be the much easier-to-work-with parent, at this stage. To my surprise!
I also want to mention something I read a few weeks ago on this forum. Vacation, as in one or two weeks with only phone contact between you and Mom, might do you both some good. If this is possible for you, I recommend it.
In my case, it definitely helped me to define the boundaries appropriate to "detached adult". I think it might have helped to illustrate this for my LOs, also.
D
If you are doing the best you can to provide for her basic needs then that is all you can do. You can explain that as I did yesterday when my mother complained about being on lockdown since March in her AL facility that this is a terrible time for the world for so many who have years of life ahead of them faced with uncertainty. We are now in SC. If she was still in NY her life may have been even more difficult as she heard her former AL facility had many cases of Covid.
We are all struggling in different ways with this frightening new world. You might try to emphasize that and then let her be. There is only so much one can do presently.