In her very clear mind she decided against the risky surgery and chose to go home on hospice and die within all of her children and grandchildren around her. She is so very strong and has outlasted the days to a couple of weeks that the Drs predicted. She has been home almost a month. She is now in the active dying phase. How do we deal with outsiders telling us we should have made my mom have the surgery. She made the right decision for her. She was at peace. It’s getting so frustrating hearing people tell us what should have been done. We are taking great care of my mom & wouldn’t trade this for anything. My dad & sister both died of cancer in their 50’s mom is content about reuniting with them & the rest of her family. I’m so sad at the nerve of people
Ill-informed people will forever be ignorant. "You can't force a competent adult into a surgery they don't want" is all I would say.
We are responsible for how we choose to live and, although debatable as to how we might 'choose' to die, it would be fair to say we have the right to receive or deny treatment given our personal preference - be it to avoid pain and suffering, or to simply escape the turmoil of living for which the causality comes as a blessed relief.
Ideally, your mother would have expressed this in her own hand or been duly witnessed by objective third parties. What you 'should' have done is what your mother desired: to go in peace surrounded by loved ones.
Give outsiders their right to feel aggrieved - death is confronting for the living, but be comforted by honouring your mother's wishes.
I second what barb said to tell them. "You can't force a competent adult to have surgery they don't want".
Just enjoy whatever time you have left with her, and make sure you leave nothing left unsaid. May God grant you His comfort and strength in the days, and weeks ahead.
I am so sorry for your impending loss, and I hope hospice gives mom and all of you the support you all need and deserve. When my mom decided on hospice, we had a few "helpful" bits of advice, but since we were in the middle of the pandemic, I think they were fewer than they might have normally been.
Prayers for all of you in the coming days.
That will shut up the most aggressive soul--but I have only used it once or twice.
Honestly, I am not shocked at people’s ignorance anymore.
I do this all the time now. I simply don’t respond. Why waste my time and energy on these situations? Inconsiderate and insensitive people don’t deserve a response.
I have a story for you. My uncle just recently passed away about 2 weeks ago at 85 years old. He'd had a bowel obstruction and his children & grandchildren all convinced him to have the risky surgery which he agreed to. He never recovered from it, went into a coma, and passed away 3 weeks later. Imagine how the family feels NOW, after having insisted he have that risky surgery, and now burying him a month or so later?
I am sorry you are witnessing your mother's impending passing; I know how hard this is for you as I've gone through it myself with my father. Wishing you strength and courage during this difficult time and no suffering for your dear mom.
I truly love Frances73's answer.
They really do not deserve an answer. And people that ask questions like this are not "friends" (frienemy or frenemy comes to mind.)
She was given the options, the risks and she chose what she wanted.
((hugs)) you and the rest of the family does not need their "help and support" at this time.
As for the people who want to run your life, tell them you recently took a field trip learning to mind your own business, and that they should consider trying it.
Some people won't let up, so you might have to take tougher approach with them. I'm sure we could have done what you say and made her very unhappy. We could have taken her ability to make a thought-out decision. We have to accept what she wanted. Find a reason to excuse yourself to end the conversation
Sending my love and support to you and yours.
If you have to tell outsiders anything - tell them gently and with pride - that your family supported your mother's decision, which for your mother, was the right decision.
May you continue to be blessed with peace and grace and love for each other.
If you desire to give an answer, simply say, ‘This is her choice and we wholeheartedly support her.’ If they start spouting their shenanigans, walk away if you can’t stomach anymore or tell them, ‘I am not interested in what you have to say.’ Oh, whenever I have said that to an obnoxious person, they are usually stunned. Their egos are crushed!
‘Bullies or know it all’ types don’t like to be put in their place but I find it quite satisfying to do so when needed. Why should we care about offending someone who could give a ‘rat’s ** about us? I can’t think of a good reason, can you?
I am terribly sorry that you are dealing with this situation. I just lost my mom in April. She also had hospice care. Your mom made the best decision for her and that is all that matters. What others think is neither here nor there. It’s annoying but you know in your heart that their opinion is useless.
They are ignorant and most likely aren’t interested in changing their behavior. They may wake up if they end up going through a similar situation. Let’s hope for their sake and others that they will come around one day but I certainly wouldn’t hold my breath. Live your life exactly as you wish!
Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult transition in your lives.
Good for you for carrying out her wishes.
I sometimes feel like answering sarcastically but I learned it is pointless... They usually aren't clever enough to understand sarcasm. Then I sometimes say I am just following the doctor's advice and I trust her...
Here we say that you should prize the coin for the value it has...
I wish you and your family all the best!
"She made the right decision for her. She was at peace."
"My dad & sister both died of cancer in their 50’s mom is content about reuniting with them & the rest of her family."