It’s been 3 years and my mom agree when I tell her that My Husband and I will pick her up 2.5 hours away so she can spend time with us and my 7-year-old Daughter. She says yes, and then makes up all kinds of excuses not to come. She has no problem taking a 2-hour flight to go to her country and celebrate my brother’s birthday and to stay for a month during Christmas. My brother is now divorced and has always done what she tells him, they are very close. In the past when my daughter was born, she stayed with me for 15 days and came to her 1st year Birthday and several other times. She is Bipolar and is on disability, she has been stable for many years but lives alone and is always complaining that she feels very lonely, she has 2 nearby sisters, one of them whom she visits a lot. I tell her to move near where I live so she can be closer, she makes excuses such as I was planning to go but now your mother-in-law is there (my mother-in-law lives in another country and comes once a year), I was planning to visit you but when I told you, you stayed quiet. I stayed quiet because it’s annoying already that she says she is coming and changes her plans. Also makes negative comments of the city where I live, that it looks rural compared to Miami, that my house is boring etc. I live in Ft. Myers, Fl, and the places I have lived are nice areas, pool, gated community with indoor car garages and Gym. She complaints that she lives in a 2nd floor that her knees hurt and must go wash clothes at a laundromat, so what else can I do? (In the past I used to visit her and stayed at her place but now she moved in a 1-bedroom apt. So, we visit her for Mother’s Day, birthdays, family gatherings and drive 5 hours round trip). She complains but does not allow me to find a solution. I invite her for Thanksgiving, Christmas and her excuse is that she wants to spend it at my aunt’s house, and sometimes she stays alone in her house. I have spent several holidays there as well because my aunt is the oldest and it’s like a tradition already. This Thanksgiving I was going to pick her up and made many excuses again. My sister and my brother who live in another country tell me that maybe she does not feel welcome. I have never made her feel that way, and if so, she should have told me already what is bothering her, I am her daughter. I am starting to feel that maybe she is jealous of the relationship I have with my daughter and Husband since she was never a loving and affectionate mother, very strict and she sees how loving I am with my daughter? and somehow, she wants to make me feel guilty for something I have not done? I will have a baby in March, and she says she is coming to stay for 1 month because that’s her obligation as a mom, should I even tell her when I’m due? If she comes just for that, I feel she will be coming because she thinks she is needed. I want her to come because she genuinely wants to spend time with me and her granddaughters. Sorry for the long post and grammar errors.
Your recent question sounds as though perhaps your ‘no’ didn’t go down well with either aunt or your mother. She may genuinely not want to intrude, or to get a painful knock-back, or she could be being difficult deliberately to make a point along the lines of ‘two can play at that game’.
If you really want her to visit, perhaps the best thing would be to give her a very specific invitation – arrive and leave - with a time limit for an answer. That way she knows you are serious. Does it really matter whether 'she thinks she is needed', or 'she wants to spend time with you and the grandchildren'? The only way to motivate my own mother was to convince her that she would be doing me a favor, not the other way around. Otherwise just ignore the whole thing, don’t worry about it, and wait for mother to make the moves.
Personally, I would tell her she's welcome to come anytime and never try again. If she wants to come she will bring it up, if not you aren't stressing yourself out.
Enjoy your daughter and new baby and let your mom have her life.
I do think you need to sit down with Mom and find out why she seems to snub you. Tell her to be honest because it hurts you that she seems to want nothing to do with your family. It will hurt but at least you will know. Then you can move forward from there.
My MIL chose to move 950 miles away to Fla when her only grandchild who lived near her 10 min away, was 4. Then she complained when said granddaughter didn't warm up to her when she visited every couple of years. (She wasn't a warm lady anyway) The child didn't know her. To be honest, she didn't do anything for with my daughter when she lived here. Thats OK, daughter had my mother. So, if you have no resolution with Mom, I would not let it bother me.
My brother and I just talked about this. He is now retired and is watching their 2 grands until they enter school. I watched both of mine. He said "We really didn't have grandparents like us" My mothers parents were gone. The ones that were near by never babysat us. We saw my Grandmother after Sunday school because she lived 6 houses down from the Church and Dad picked us up there. My grandfather would stop in every so often. But with neither were there hugs and kisses. Did we suffer from it, no, because we thought this was normal. So as long as you don't make a big thing out of it, your daughter should not miss what she never had. Its the way it is and u need to except that. Its Moms choice, she is the one missing out. And, I would never have her live with me. Just wouldn't be a good fit, I think.
My mom had her favorites, as does my MIL. Neither wanted close relationships with my kids and I couldn't 'fake it' for them.
As a grandma to 14 kids, I know it's up to ME to create relationships with my grands. I am much closer to some than others, but that is based on their personalities, I know that all of them love me and I love them. It does take time and effort, esp when you don't live close by.
I did a LOT of babysitting (I don't really want to call it that, it was special time spent with the g-kids, and if their parents were gone, well, that was fine). A LOT. Up to a month, if needed.
Time passes so very quickly. I know the years of creating and maintaining closeness in families is not long and we need to make the effort.
Of course, if the people involved don't WANT to have a relationship, you cannot do much. My g-kids are not close to my MIL. In fact, I don't think she has even met the youngest one and has no desire to. She refers to them as 'great nieces and nephews' rather than grandchildren. I have NO IDEA why she does that.
My mom was just not interested in the ggrandkids. Nor the grands, really. She didn't want us to come visit, and after we all married and had kids--she simply didn't seem to care. She was PROUD of the fact she had like 35 great grands, but she could not have told you their names.
Trust me, I tried to invite both ggmoms to everything the kids were doing, but they never showed any interest.
I have to say, that for me? I LOVE it when I walk in one of my kids' homes and the kids come running for hugs and snuggles. Even the 17 & 18 yo's! My DH often comments that they don't do that to him--well, again, he hasn't put in the TIME.
You can WANT this relationship and I totally understand way--but you cannot force it or fake it.
Leave her alone and let her miss you. You cannot force someone to have feelings for you. My mom never cared to do anything with her grandchildren. She was not the warm, loving mother but she kept us alive.
Do not depend on her and make other plans for when your baby comes. Hire a doula. It will only bring you disappoint to expect your mom to be of any help.
Fill your life with friends or family that want to spend time with you and bring positive interactions.
From the time we were married we went to my MILs for Thanksgiving, my Moms for Christmas Eve and my SILs fathers for Christmas day. This one TG I had not heard from my MIL. I finally asked her "Are u having TG?" She told me no that they had been invited out. Really! My Mom had her table full. My Uncle found out and invited us to their house. The woman was odd. Would think I had her all figured out and she would do something off the wall.
Your mother is not seeing it as “missing precious moments”. She is not missing you or your daughter. She is not interested. Stop trying, negotiating, and begging for her to visit. Her loss!
She is bipolar. She may be on an even keel now, but a different place than she’s used to (your home) with a small child she has little feelings for? Yeah. That’s a recipe for her emotional state to go haywire. You don’t want your daughter’s early memories of grandma being mean or angry.
PS If you press the shift & enter at the same time, you can create paragraphs when you write. Makes it easier to read ;-)
Sounds like you need to take control here. You are about to have a baby? She is allowed to tell you how long she will stay? WTH!
Sounds like the communication needs to be much clearer between you. What do YOU want for your life-your home? I would tell her how long she can stay for. Will you really want her there?
Time for you to instill boundaries!
And about grandparents - they come in different models. Some grandparents want day-to-day involvement. Others have their own lives to live now that they no longer have family responsibilities. Some grandchildren are just difficult to be around due to behavior or other issues.
As a parent, I thought my children were the most interesting things in the universe, but one set of grandparents, though affectionate, did not. They got exhausted by having them present, and they mostly didn't care to get involved in kids' personal interests at all. They were good grandparents but not the touchy-feely type. They'd had their fill of child care when they raised their own. Poopy diapers lose their appeal, and so does whining, scattering toys all over the place, and other normal things that kids do.
Being in a place (like your home) where necessity dictates unpredictability, lots of activity, and unknown circumstances that quickly become overwhelming, is much more difficult for your mother than you can imagine. And a newborn there, with all that entails, just NO Double NO. Lots of us wouldn't want to do that. I think your mom, with her illness and disabilities, deserves a break. Let her stay alone and quiet if that is what she wants. Let her be an adult, and you be an adult. Your daughter will do fine without her. She can send Grammy a picture she drew for her refrigerator. Grammy will love it.
My mom's mother died and was buried on my fifth birthday. My grandfather was great, but he lived 200 miles away, so we saw him once or twice a year for a day or two. I considered his second wife my grandmother, but she didn't really see us that way.
My other grandfather abandoned his family in 1936 when Dad was five years old, and my dad's mom was a chain smoking, not-too-stable woman who did everything she could to keep her head above water (and couldn't), so being grandmotherly wasn't on her priority list. I never once went to her house, and she lived about 20 miles away. I'd love to be able to talk to her now, because I can appreciate what she went through, but she had no patience with children and couldn't be bothered to be part of our lives beyond coming over on Christmas Day and Thanksgiving to smoke at the kitchen table all day.
Some people aren't cut out to be grandparents, and that's OK. Your mom is probably doing the most she feels she can, and you can't force a relationship on someone and expect it to work.
I would not expect much from Mom. Its probably hard for her to deal with some things on a daily bases. 2.5 hours is a long ride. She may just not be up to it. You never know whats going thru the mind of someone with Bi-Polar. My other cousin who suffers from it discribes it as your brain just keeps going and going. Alcohol seems to slow it down. Which was her drug of choice. Medications just make them feel they aren't themselves. My one cousin it made her drool. They both have stopped meds. She is off the wall I hear and he uses Marihuana to stem the symptoms.
Looks like Dementia is not uncommon in those who suffer from BiPolar.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24200543/
I would guess that with your mom being bipolar, you've been caught up in manipulations for your entire life. You're just not seeing it. Maybe your holding back indicates that you're beginning to.
My mom is also bipolar and the dynamic for many decades was that one of us sibs was always in the doghouse. Mental illness is very complex and the long game the person plays makes no sense because there is no logic to apply, it's illness, disordered thinking and emotions.
The excuses make make no sense, right? They cause you pain and confusion, make you cater to her whims and attempt to address the issues indirectly for fear of further alienation by her. She's got you exactly where she wants you and your sibs are contributing to this dynamic, knowingly or not.
Understand that this has nothing to do with your young daughter and please just stop seeking the approval that you'll never get. Try to enjoy your growing family without working to involve your mom's sick behaviors. You are better off, as are your daughter and coming baby, without allowing the ill-conceived manipulations of your mother to hold any sway over your lives.
Some counseling would be helpful, esp if she does indeed come to stay for a month. You need to grow some emotional armor because she is coming to raise havoc and you need to minimize the damage. You need to figure out what chess gambit she's using this time and do so before the baby comes. You need to protect yourself and your children and bring your husband in on it too. Be prepared because post-partum is a very vulnerable and special time; don't let her illness steal any of it from you and your family.
Just wait another 20 some years until your mom has dementia added into the picture; things get real interesting then, I tell you. I'm living it with my own mom. It's a disorder of organic brain chemistry, bipolar disorder, and I never blamed my mom, just knew when to keep my distance. I utilized psychologists over the decades and the tools I gained have allowed me to remain a fully-devoted and lovingly attentive daughter at my age of 65. It pains me to see how her current, weak ability to manipulate is self-defeating and results in her feeling further isolated.
An example: I call Mom very single day at the MC unit where she's been for over 2 yrs now, since losing Dad. If I happen to touch some sore spot or have to miss a weekly visit, she'll play the hand of not answering the phone, and this after calling me up to 3 times a day. She'll go a day or two of refusing to pick up as a means of 'punishing me,' but all it gets her is more loneliness. I'll then go through the nursing desk to call her and get the communication reopened. By that time, she's forgotten why she was refusing to answer and voices how lonely she is. Mom has always had a heart of gold and was a loving mother, was a loving wife, just has an illness that caused a lot of familial strife.
Your mom is showing favorites and it's not you, not now, maybe not ever again. She still loves you, but her illness is larger than life and she can't see her way through to changing; she's ill in her thought and emotional processing. It's not your fault and you can't do anything to change any of it. You have to find your own peace with this reality.
My heart goes out to you and I understand how hard this is. Just always keep it in your mind that her illness is bigger than anything else and she's not able to control her behaviors. Protect your heart.
*Hugs*