It’s been 3 years and my mom agree when I tell her that My Husband and I will pick her up 2.5 hours away so she can spend time with us and my 7-year-old Daughter. She says yes, and then makes up all kinds of excuses not to come. She has no problem taking a 2-hour flight to go to her country and celebrate my brother’s birthday and to stay for a month during Christmas. My brother is now divorced and has always done what she tells him, they are very close. In the past when my daughter was born, she stayed with me for 15 days and came to her 1st year Birthday and several other times. She is Bipolar and is on disability, she has been stable for many years but lives alone and is always complaining that she feels very lonely, she has 2 nearby sisters, one of them whom she visits a lot. I tell her to move near where I live so she can be closer, she makes excuses such as I was planning to go but now your mother-in-law is there (my mother-in-law lives in another country and comes once a year), I was planning to visit you but when I told you, you stayed quiet. I stayed quiet because it’s annoying already that she says she is coming and changes her plans. Also makes negative comments of the city where I live, that it looks rural compared to Miami, that my house is boring etc. I live in Ft. Myers, Fl, and the places I have lived are nice areas, pool, gated community with indoor car garages and Gym. She complaints that she lives in a 2nd floor that her knees hurt and must go wash clothes at a laundromat, so what else can I do? (In the past I used to visit her and stayed at her place but now she moved in a 1-bedroom apt. So, we visit her for Mother’s Day, birthdays, family gatherings and drive 5 hours round trip). She complains but does not allow me to find a solution. I invite her for Thanksgiving, Christmas and her excuse is that she wants to spend it at my aunt’s house, and sometimes she stays alone in her house. I have spent several holidays there as well because my aunt is the oldest and it’s like a tradition already. This Thanksgiving I was going to pick her up and made many excuses again. My sister and my brother who live in another country tell me that maybe she does not feel welcome. I have never made her feel that way, and if so, she should have told me already what is bothering her, I am her daughter. I am starting to feel that maybe she is jealous of the relationship I have with my daughter and Husband since she was never a loving and affectionate mother, very strict and she sees how loving I am with my daughter? and somehow, she wants to make me feel guilty for something I have not done? I will have a baby in March, and she says she is coming to stay for 1 month because that’s her obligation as a mom, should I even tell her when I’m due? If she comes just for that, I feel she will be coming because she thinks she is needed. I want her to come because she genuinely wants to spend time with me and her granddaughters. Sorry for the long post and grammar errors.
Personally, I would tell her she's welcome to come anytime and never try again. If she wants to come she will bring it up, if not you aren't stressing yourself out.
Enjoy your daughter and new baby and let your mom have her life.
I do think you need to sit down with Mom and find out why she seems to snub you. Tell her to be honest because it hurts you that she seems to want nothing to do with your family. It will hurt but at least you will know. Then you can move forward from there.
My MIL chose to move 950 miles away to Fla when her only grandchild who lived near her 10 min away, was 4. Then she complained when said granddaughter didn't warm up to her when she visited every couple of years. (She wasn't a warm lady anyway) The child didn't know her. To be honest, she didn't do anything for with my daughter when she lived here. Thats OK, daughter had my mother. So, if you have no resolution with Mom, I would not let it bother me.
My brother and I just talked about this. He is now retired and is watching their 2 grands until they enter school. I watched both of mine. He said "We really didn't have grandparents like us" My mothers parents were gone. The ones that were near by never babysat us. We saw my Grandmother after Sunday school because she lived 6 houses down from the Church and Dad picked us up there. My grandfather would stop in every so often. But with neither were there hugs and kisses. Did we suffer from it, no, because we thought this was normal. So as long as you don't make a big thing out of it, your daughter should not miss what she never had. Its the way it is and u need to except that. Its Moms choice, she is the one missing out. And, I would never have her live with me. Just wouldn't be a good fit, I think.
My mom had her favorites, as does my MIL. Neither wanted close relationships with my kids and I couldn't 'fake it' for them.
As a grandma to 14 kids, I know it's up to ME to create relationships with my grands. I am much closer to some than others, but that is based on their personalities, I know that all of them love me and I love them. It does take time and effort, esp when you don't live close by.
I did a LOT of babysitting (I don't really want to call it that, it was special time spent with the g-kids, and if their parents were gone, well, that was fine). A LOT. Up to a month, if needed.
Time passes so very quickly. I know the years of creating and maintaining closeness in families is not long and we need to make the effort.
Of course, if the people involved don't WANT to have a relationship, you cannot do much. My g-kids are not close to my MIL. In fact, I don't think she has even met the youngest one and has no desire to. She refers to them as 'great nieces and nephews' rather than grandchildren. I have NO IDEA why she does that.
My mom was just not interested in the ggrandkids. Nor the grands, really. She didn't want us to come visit, and after we all married and had kids--she simply didn't seem to care. She was PROUD of the fact she had like 35 great grands, but she could not have told you their names.
Trust me, I tried to invite both ggmoms to everything the kids were doing, but they never showed any interest.
I have to say, that for me? I LOVE it when I walk in one of my kids' homes and the kids come running for hugs and snuggles. Even the 17 & 18 yo's! My DH often comments that they don't do that to him--well, again, he hasn't put in the TIME.
You can WANT this relationship and I totally understand way--but you cannot force it or fake it.
Your recent question sounds as though perhaps your ‘no’ didn’t go down well with either aunt or your mother. She may genuinely not want to intrude, or to get a painful knock-back, or she could be being difficult deliberately to make a point along the lines of ‘two can play at that game’.
If you really want her to visit, perhaps the best thing would be to give her a very specific invitation – arrive and leave - with a time limit for an answer. That way she knows you are serious. Does it really matter whether 'she thinks she is needed', or 'she wants to spend time with you and the grandchildren'? The only way to motivate my own mother was to convince her that she would be doing me a favor, not the other way around. Otherwise just ignore the whole thing, don’t worry about it, and wait for mother to make the moves.
Leave her alone and let her miss you. You cannot force someone to have feelings for you. My mom never cared to do anything with her grandchildren. She was not the warm, loving mother but she kept us alive.
Do not depend on her and make other plans for when your baby comes. Hire a doula. It will only bring you disappoint to expect your mom to be of any help.
Fill your life with friends or family that want to spend time with you and bring positive interactions.
Your mother is not seeing it as “missing precious moments”. She is not missing you or your daughter. She is not interested. Stop trying, negotiating, and begging for her to visit. Her loss!
She is bipolar. She may be on an even keel now, but a different place than she’s used to (your home) with a small child she has little feelings for? Yeah. That’s a recipe for her emotional state to go haywire. You don’t want your daughter’s early memories of grandma being mean or angry.
And about grandparents - they come in different models. Some grandparents want day-to-day involvement. Others have their own lives to live now that they no longer have family responsibilities. Some grandchildren are just difficult to be around due to behavior or other issues.
As a parent, I thought my children were the most interesting things in the universe, but one set of grandparents, though affectionate, did not. They got exhausted by having them present, and they mostly didn't care to get involved in kids' personal interests at all. They were good grandparents but not the touchy-feely type. They'd had their fill of child care when they raised their own. Poopy diapers lose their appeal, and so does whining, scattering toys all over the place, and other normal things that kids do.
Being in a place (like your home) where necessity dictates unpredictability, lots of activity, and unknown circumstances that quickly become overwhelming, is much more difficult for your mother than you can imagine. And a newborn there, with all that entails, just NO Double NO. Lots of us wouldn't want to do that. I think your mom, with her illness and disabilities, deserves a break. Let her stay alone and quiet if that is what she wants. Let her be an adult, and you be an adult. Your daughter will do fine without her. She can send Grammy a picture she drew for her refrigerator. Grammy will love it.