Mum living with me, my husband and 22 year old daughter in a 2 bedroom house. What do I do?

Why does your mother say YOU are ungrateful? Isn't SHE the ungrateful one? She should be paying you to live in your house.

If you are struggling now to meet the bills, why are you willing to buy a bigger house so you can all live together?

Seems like this has been a good trial run to learn that your mother should NOT be living with you.

What is her financial situation? Perhaps she should sell her house and live in an independent living facility for seniors?

I am very sorry for the loss of your dad.

Regardless, this living arrangement is not working and you know it. This is a financial hardship for you as well.

I’m sorry your mom is upset and I know that you care about her but she is majorly interfering in your lives. You can’t keep up this pace. Just the sleep deprivation is going to get to you.

Tell her that there will be new living arrangements soon. Why do you want to move her into your home? You have said she is bossy. That probably won’t change even if you sell her home and move into a larger home.

Can she go into assisted living or a senior independent apartment building? Please reconsider her moving in with you.

Forget the buy a bigger house and all live together scenario, it is not working now and it will not work because you buy a larger house and tie yourself up with her financially.

You have to stand up to her, no more staying at your house every night, she can hire someone to sit with her at her house, she needs to grow up and learn to live alone. This is so childish.

You do understand that she could live another 20 years..right? Do you really want to be saddled with her the rest of your life? And what about your husband and your relationship with him...it will suffer.

The ball is in your court, don't let this continue.

How long has Mum been staying with you? The longer she's been there, the harder it will be to get her to leave.

When you're tired and ready to go to bed, simply say, "Mum, I'm going to bed now. Good night." And then go to bed. Period. It may be what she needs to let her know that your entire life can't revolve around her.

In the alternative, sit her down and say, "Mum, you have a house of your own. Please live in it. We're just too crowded here." (How far away is her house, anyway?)

How does she spend her days?

Has she really been in your home for four years? Yikes.

Pack her bags. Get rid of that bed in your living room. Do something to shake up the current situation. Perhaps announce you are all moving into her house for four years. At least you would have three bedrooms.

I don’t know what your mom needs but you need your living room back and a decent sleep schedule.

Reach out to whatever social services are available to her.

Thank goodness she didn’t agree to buy a larger home with you. You could have had her for 20 more years!!

edit: I see my thoughts were similar to others.
Good luck on reclaiming your family life.

She is 74 years old a fit & healthy lady with lots of energy she doesn’t drive so I drop her off every we’re i am her personal taxi don’t get me wrong if I need help with a bill she will pay it & writes it down for me to pay back when I get payed. I have equity in my home & my mums house is payed for so if we brought some we’re bigger we would have no mortgage my mums is a 5 minute drive from my house.I don’t wanna leave her on her own I have said get a dog but she says it’s a tie why is it cause she never wants to be in the house she won’t sell up cause she has lived there from a child & it was her mums house

thanks for reply’s

My mum spends at the most 2hrs at home then back to mine every day my sister lives 15 mins away & does nothing to help

She won’t live in senior complex has she thinks she is still 25

Wow what a pickle you’ve gotten your family into. Why is Mom so averse to staying in her own house? Did your dad pass away there? Or is she just lonely or afraid? I wonder if some counciling sessions would help her to get her life back on track, if she would go. This is not a normal or healthy situation and you have to tell her that. She’s not what I would consider “elderly” (as I creep toward that age). She doesn’t drive. I would encourage her to start driving, get a safe car, and be more independent.
You don’t say what the relationship is between Mom and your 22 year old daughter? Is she still in college or working? What’s her plan for leaving the nest? Do they get along well? I’m almost afraid to throw this out there, but if they get along, would daughter consider staying a few nights a week at Moms house on a temporary basis with her if she’s afraid?
You seem like you can’t stand up to her for anything. “She” keeps you up late...no “you” stay up late because you can’t even tell her you’re tired and have to go to bed! Whats your husbands take on all this? Mine would not put up with someone at our house every night and sleeping on our couch. If you don’t have the guts to tell her she can’t stay over anymore, maybe you and your husband together can do it. Rehearse it together. You have given her all the power. You have to change the dynamic and take back your power and your house. This could go on for 20 years.

Rocketjcat makes some good points. I don't know enough about your history, but why is 22 yr-old daughter still living with you? Seems like saying "no" might be difficult for you, but you need to start now or forever find yourself in these situations. Just tell mum that the current living arrangement isn't working, and be firm.

Think about it... You and your husband alone in a two bedroom home. You'd have a spare room for daughter or mum should they come to visit. Or, better yet, what if you and your husband moved into your mum's "beautiful 3 bedroom house," and she can stay in your 2-bedroom home as long as she likes?

If you want to sell both homes and buy a bigger one, then fine. But... Don't kid yourself that it will make any difference to the current dynamic. Go in with eyes wide open.

Me & my husband are strong & always make time for each other my mum is my daughters Nan & we have all spent nights staying with my mum but didn’t work & I do stand up to her she is afraid to stay on her own

my daughter is 22 and can’t afford to move out has she would pay £1000 a month rent or need £40000 mortgage for a deposit has we live in London

“we have all spent nights staying with my mum but didn’t work”. Why didn’t it work? She’s afraid to stay by herself, but having you there didn’t help? Why not? I think your mom needs more people around, not just you. I would tell her that you will help her find a lovely independent living apartment that’s close to you, where she can have transportation, meals with people , activities if she chooses, and someone always on staff at night. She probably can even have a kitty or small dog. She can choose that, or go home, but her nights on your your couch are coming to an end.
You evidently don’t call your current arrangement “working” either. You have the power to change it. You just don’t know it.
Do not even think about buying a house with her. She needs to live her best life. And so do you.

I wasn’t being big headed when I said my mum has a beautiful 3 bedroom house my husband has just decorated it from top to bottom and it looks lovely that was all I was saying

Your mom is lonely. She doesn't drive. She may be depressed and anxious. Does she have hobbies? At her age and condition she'd be an awesome volunteer. Does she know how to use a smartphone (to call an Uber)?

I would NOT move into her home, as tempting as that would be. If you think she's bossy now...just try being on "her turf". Don't!

Decide what you want the outcome to be: mom living in a home she can manage on her own (this being an apartment or condo in a 55+ community, so not AL or NH). Find a place that provides transportation and has activities. But you must (gently) insist she continue to have her own life so that you can have yours. You are not obligated to care for her especially at the tender young age of 74! Find places where she can volunteer for at least 4 hrs at a time.

Start doing some research on your own, then take her to 2 of the best choices. Tell her you and hubs will help her sell her home (or she can sell it to you!) and be there for all the difficult stuff like moving and getting settled in. Don't let her make you feel guilty. She probably was way more reliant on your Dad than you ever knew, or she is depressed or something. Someone mentioned a dog, which has been a wonderful experience for my own mom (whom I never in a million years would get a dog!) but don't do that until she is settled in her own place.

Start having small, gentle conversations with her, moving this whole solution forward, whether she wants it or not. It's what your family needs. Keep reassuring her and don't respond to her negativity about any of it. Good luck!

Does your husband work, too?

Do you need to stay living where you are? It occurs to me that you could sell your house and move.

About the money: get out your utility bills as far back as you can and show your mother the numbers. She's 74 years old and in good health: it's time to call b/s on her excuses and complaints whenever you bring up the subject of costs.

The thing is, though. What you're looking for is a way of saying *nicely* that things have got to change, in such a way that your mother will say "oh, I see, I didn't realise, of course you're right."

This is not going to happen. There is no way you can change what is happening without saying, possibly doing, things that your mother is not going to like. Or at least not going to like at the time: in fact, later on, she may have to thank you for giving her her own self and her own life back.

You say she's refused to consider selling her house. Why? What does she say on the subject?

After my father died my mom was afraid to be alone too - I helped put better locks on the door, advised her to tuck a big pillow beside her in bed to fill his place and when she lost her eyesight a few months later we signed up for Philips Lifeline - I guess I must have been cold and callous.

Mickman, apart from sitting by your hospital bed, what did your mother do with her time over - say - the last twenty years or so. Did she work? Did she have friends?

If you're in any part of London that Londoners call London, then not driving simply can't be a problem - it's just about the only place in the country that I can think of where people never learn to drive because there's absolutely no need (as two of my three adult children have demonstrated in spite of everything I've said to them).

Here's the thing. Your intended kindness towards your mother and your inability to "shut the door in her face" (not how I'd put it, but I realise that's how it might feel to you) are stopping her living. You're making it too comfortable for her while her life is on hold. Four years is too long. Carry on like this and you will disable her permanently.

It might be too difficult to change things to suit yourself, because that seems ungrateful and selfish; but what about her? What does the future hold for her if she doesn't start rebuilding her real life very soon?

Mickman,

Country Mouse is our UK resident.

My brother still has a 32 yr old son living with him. He asked me how did I get rid of my kids. I bitched. I did things my parents way when I lived in their home. Now that I have my own, I like things my way. U see my kitchen as soon as you enter the house. I want it kept clean. I didn't expect neat as a pin bedrooms but I did not allow food to be eaten in them and every so oftened cleaned up. When my daughter was here with her son, they had 2 bedrooms and the family room. My living room was off limites. All the rooms looked like a tornado hit them. Yes, I bitched. So when they all could afford to move out, they did.

I am 70 and there is no way I would do what your Mom is. I never would walk in my daughters house (which by the way is 4 doors down) and say "I am now sleeping here".

You are enabling Mom. 74 is not really that old. If she didn't have you, then she would have had to adjust. Maybe start taking baby steps. Start with dropping her off at her house in the morning and telling her you will pick her up for dinner. When she starts to be "bossy" remind her nicely that like her u do things your way. She needs to be made aware its your home not hers. She is actually a guest. To get a good nights sleep, you should be in bed by 8pm. Like said, start saying, sorry Mum, I can no longer function on 5 hrs of sleep so I will be in bed by 8pm.

If you don't mind her there for dinner, then continue with that. Hopefully by u going to bed at a certain time, you can work in her going home when u go to bed. Your Mom is still young enough to have her own life.

I would never live in her house. Because...its "her" house. Her rules. I think that selling both homes and buying one is a good idea. I would try to find one with a separate space for Mom. Her own sitting area, her own bath and bedroom. Maybe even a kitchenette. I may approach it as the arrangement now is not working. You didn't expect it to be long term. Just to help her adjust tonthe loss of Dad. You understand her not wanting to sell but thats what will need to happen if she doesn't want to be alone at night. Her spending most of her time at ur home is not good for either of you. Your family can't be her entertainment. Its wearing you down. You are sleep deprived. You cannot do ur job sleep deprived. AND, your health WILL suffer.

My MIL was English. She and FIL moved to Fla and he passed 3 yrs later. She "had" to adjust. We were in NJ, another son in GA and another in Miss. Two of us had teenagers and me a 7 yr old. All 1 to 2 days away driving. She got involved in a Church. She had a weekly card club. Socialized with neighbors. Took trips with other widows. All the time staying in her home. She lived to be almost 92.

A lawyer friend at 85 runs his practise and is CEO of a bank. He and his wife are involved and travel. She is 78. A fellow Church member is 100 and still pretty active. But he has been most his life. Yes, he lost his wife of 60+ years and a son. But he kept going. He is lucky a daughter lives next door and he has a son nearby. They have their "family" time. And thats what it is "family time". He is still in his own home.

You are going to lose your life if u don't do something now. Her dependency will get worse. One question, you say she only spends 2 hrs in her own home. You work so how does she get back to ur place? Does she have a key? Then I would "lose" it somehow or change my locks. My MIL had a key. She was coming into my house adding and changing things. One time she woke my husband up (he worked nights) and told him she didn't like the way we changed the room around. When our front door lock died, we did not give her keys to the new one. There was no reason she needed to be in my house.

And do you both need to live where you currently live to access work?

Sorry, Mickman, I expect you have already explained this but I can't see where - so what has your mother got against the idea that the family moves into her house, the family house that belonged to your grandmother?

What about if you and your husband sell your house and use your equity to buy a share in your mother's house?

I'm not saying I think this is a good idea. I do not think it would be good for your mother to encourage her dependence on you; and I don't either think it would be a good idea for you and your husband to be so committed to staying in the area - you may find yourselves trapped and unable to make changes in the future if you want to.

But you say you want help and ideas, and then reject most of what's suggested. So - what do you think the answer is? What are the important changes you'd like to see happen?

Your mother is only 74. She is far too young for her meaningful, independent life to be over. She could: do a degree. Get a job. Learn to drive. Take up a new sport. What does she mainly do with her time at the moment?

My mother moved in with me and my family after my step dad died. It was the worst possible solution. One of the hardest things I've had to do in my life was to tell my mother that it wasn't working out and we needed to find her her own place to live. As hard as it was it was, its also something I am proud I got up enough nerve to do. Within 2 months of her moving in I was suffering from PTSD. She was a terrible mother my whole life ( alcoholic - narcissist) couple years later...shes just fine in a senior apartment and I feel like living again. For your family just get up enough nerve to do whats right for you and YOUR family
( you know in your gut what that is....dont feel bad your number one priority in life should be your husband and children and you deserve to be happy )