My husband and I both moved away from our home state for various reasons (college, work) in our early 20’s. We ended up moving permanently to in 2007. In 2015, I was able to convince my parents (which was very difficult) to move closer to us because I am close with my mom and I had 2 kids they wanted to live near.
My husband, out of the blue, was called by a recruiter for an amazing career opportunity several states away. He went to the interview and out of only 2-3 applicants, he got the job. This is one of those jobs that, for a 30-something year old, doesn’t come up often. Great career growth and much more pay.
My parents are extremely hurt and angry that my husband would consider leaving, uprooting the family and moving them to another state since they moved down here for us. I’m struggling because I feel the pull from both ends. I’m very close with my mom but I see the amazing opportunity my husband has been presented (not to mention the financial security in the future).
My parents, and I to a point, are concerned they will lose their bond with their grandkids too. They have another option to not be alone and move to be with my brother and his family who have no plans at all in leaving.
I feel so guilty leaving for so many reasons. They’re aging and I have always felt I’d be the one to take care of them. And yet, I have a family & future of my own to consider.
Also, the relationship between my mother and husband have shifted terribly. They blame each other for one reason or another.
I am so distraught by this and would value each and every opinion/thought out there.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story!!
My mom is in AL and I have given up a lot to take care of her, because she and dad gave up a lot for all of us kids. The world is so danm selfish anymore it pretty much makes me sick. Good luck and remember when they pass on please don't have any regrets.
There are some other reasons I would choose to stay another year with my kids that I haven't explained. But I believe I have received some good perspectives thus far to discontinue this thread and contemplate my next move. Whatever it will be, it will be for myself, my kids, my husband and my parents as well. Over time I am hopeful things will work themselves out, one way or another.
I want to seriously thank all those that took time from their busy lives just to respond to my post in such a thoughtful manner. It has been so helpful in my world which has turned upside down in a matter of a few months. Thank you for that!! It is much appreciated.
I don’t think their is a solution that will please everyone in this situation. There are different options but no matter which option is put into play, someone will be hurt and I believe there will be regrets in either situation. Am I correct? I am trying to see things from your point of view.
I feel that you are torn and wish you did not have to choose this situation because it’s emotional and an awkward position to be in. I don’t think you see either your parents or your husband as being right or wrong. I feel that you see both sides equally. I don’t feel that in itself is inherently going against your husband. It’s simply how you feel. You’re entitled to that. All of us experience certain feelings about certain situations that may never be practical but nevertheless the are what we dream of.
A part of you wants nothing more than to wholeheartedly support your husband and children, yet the other half wants to make sure that your parents are taken care of, not just physically but for you to be a part of their lives. just as you’ve always been. I understand that completely but that isn’t possible if you support your husband so it has become an unrealistic dream. You can’t have it both ways.
The question becomes how much is your husband willing to sacrifice. Also, how much are you willing to give to your parents and what example do you want to present to your children.
I do think if you go that your parents will adjust. I really believe that. I’m not saying that in order to convince you of anything. I also think your husband naturally wants his wife beside him. What man wouldn’t? Does that mean in the end that he won’t be flexible? I have no idea. I am not married to him. You are. This is going to make or break you.
By that I mean that I know couples that have been in long distance relationships and although it wasn’t ideal they made it work. I also know couples whose relationships eventually ended permanently.
I taught school with a woman who moved many states away with her two sons and her kids hated it and she moved back here to Louisiana until her children graduated high school. I thought that was odd but somehow they made it work. Another teacher stayed here while her husband worked in another state for years because she and the children simply did not want to go because her husband was unsure about the job and he told them that he would go and test the waters alone. I don’t know how either of these couples could afford all the plane tickets to visit each other but they did.
I know another couple that the woman wanted a high paying job in the medical field and her spouse said that he was not willing to leave his job and they divorced because she made up her mind to go with or without him. So, you’re not alone in this dilemma. You’re going to figure it out. It’s your choice. Yes, you felt like you needed to discuss it but the decision is yours and I wish you well no matter what you decide. Just be careful because you are taking a risk of losing your husband if you don’t stand beside him. You can’t clone yourself and be in both places at the same time.
I congratulate your husband on his ambitions. He’s doing this for all of you. It’s not just for his future but yours and your children. Let him know that you are genuinely appreciative of that. He could be a lazy bum, but he’s not. He’s a go getter!
Yes, you love your parents and grateful to them also. You want them to be satisfied but you simply can’t have both. They don’t want to move so respect that. If you choose to move, isn’t it fair for them to respect you and your husband? Of course, it is.
Sorry the message is so long.
Take care. 💗
Like some have posted, I see daughter/mother enmeshment and codependency all over this which means emotionally she's more married to mom than to her husband.
Using the children as emotional glue for her parent's poor marriage will lead them to be victims of Childhood Emotional Neglect for their focus will be on their grandparents' emotions instead of learning how to handle their own emotions as well as be nurtured in the process. I would get the children away from two unhappy and unhealthy adults instead of allowing them to be emotionally vacuumed. From this they will learn that their main role is life is to keep everyone happy. That's unrealistic and unfair.
So where is the concern for your husband and his bonds with his kids?
Where is the concern for your kids and their bond with their dad?
Sorry if this sounds harsh but your husband & children’s bond with each other is far more important than their bond with their grandparents.
I could understand staying until June when school gets out but after that you need to move to PA. Why are you staying an entire extra school year? Now the move will be even harder for the kids....or is that what your parents are banking on?
By staying with your parents for the next year plus, you are denying your children a relationship with their father. I am sorry, but their relationship with their Dad is far more important than one with your parents.
Your decision is telling your kids that Dad is the least valuable person in your family. That it does not matter that they will not see him daily over the next 16 months.
It also shows that you do not value the presence of your husband in your life. You are choosing to spend time with your mother at the expense of your marriage. The price may be your marriage. Is that a price you are willing to pay?
I am a parent, soon to be grandparent. At the moment all my kids live within a couple hours of me, but I do not expect that them to restrict where they live based on where I live. I also would not move to where they live, should they move. I am still working, but beyond that I have a life in the community I live in. Should. my son and grand baby move away, I would miss them and try to see them at least once a year (depending on how far they moved), but I would not move myself.
*Why did you go through such effort to persuade your parents to move to Nashville to begin with when they seemed to be so resistant to the move? Why didn't you let them be if they didn't want to relocate. You were so persistent then, but now, hey it's no biggie to sever this close proximity.
*Why did the parents move when they were apparently happy where they were? (Note to parents: do not chase your kids around the country unless you plan on making multiple moves.)
*You're not planning on moving your kids to PA until 2021? Why? Is this a good move for your kids?
*Was the job interview/relocation a joint decision or something your husband decided to pursue on his own? I'm not picking up anything upbeat or unified about this decision. I would be curious to know more about the job and how your husband is just one of a select few to qualify. Hope the job is worth all the trouble it seems to be causing.
Sorry this post is so judgmental. It sounds like you are caught in the middle, trying to please everyone to no avail. Personally, I think the problems go deeper than a major relocation and unhappy parents.
For 8 years you lived ~5 hours further away (NY vs Nashville, maybe more, depends on where in NY.) While you maybe begged and/or convinced them to move, it sounds like they wanted to be closer, so they might have moved w/out your input. Ultimately it was their decision. Life throws curveballs all the time. People change jobs for many reasons and it often requires moving. Sometimes it isn't even by choice. This should have been considered by everyone, so some of this falls back on them too.
"This is one of those jobs that, for a 30-something year old, doesn’t come up often. Great career growth and much more pay." If this change benefits everyone and makes life better, parents should be accepting/understanding the change. They should even be happy about it! They won't be around forever and having stability in your life will be good for everyone.
"My parents are extremely hurt and angry that my husband would consider leaving, uprooting the family and moving them to another state since they moved down here to TN for us." This might be an understandable reaction, but it's rather selfish. They are ONLY thinking about themselves, not what is best for you and the grandchildren. Would I be sad if my son moved further away? Sure. Would I be happy for him if it meant a better life for them? Absolutely. We can still have a relationship. None of us will wither and die as a result. Another move might be hard for them for many reasons, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.
"My parents, and I to a point, are concerned they will lose their bond with their grandkids too." Why would this change their "bond?" If it's strong, it will remain. They would only be ~9 hours away if they don't move, which isn't that big of a deal. You could visit them, they could visit you. Often if need be.
They have options, including some generous ones you have offered, but have rejected them all. That colors the picture with even more selfishness on their part. The only one accepted is that you and the kids stay - that will put a strain on your marriage, the relationship between you and hubby, he and the kids and lead to more stress and anxiety. Your parents are adults, presumably in good health - it isn't like you are abandoning someone with physical or mental issues. They aren't really even that old yet. If the time comes when they need help, alternatives can be considered. You still can be "the one" who helps take care of them w/out all this hoopla.
"...I have a family & future of my own to consider." Yup. Again, they won't be around forever, less time than your own family and future. There are ways to continue a good relationship, including a move that you have offered to facilitate and pay for.
"...the relationship between my mother and husband have shifted terribly. They blame each other for one reason or another." THIS is going to damage multiple relationships. Husband agreed to the plan for you to stay longer (however begrudgingly) but mom is steadfastly refusing to consider anything. Who is being unreasonable there?
I don't think extending your stay in TN is beneficial to anyone. It will only fuel mom's desire to keep things as they are. The offers you made (excluding staying longer) are overly generous and should be presented again as the choices they have. You should move, if not right away, at least at the end of THIS school year, not next year. It is only delaying the inevitable and will make it harder if/when mom continues to refuse to consider any other option.
Healthy life and relationships TBD in a post to this post.
Also keep in mind that as the kids grow older and have their own interests and activities, they will spend less time with you AND the grandparents too - is she going to demand they curtail these interests and activities too? My former MIL was so angry about the kids not visiting when SHE wanted it and threatened to cut them off from any inheritance! THAT is not a healthy relationship. I wouldn't want my grandson (or my kids) to "love" me because he/they might get inheritance when I pass on!
Personally I would revisit the other offers and present them as their choices. I would start the "move" process by spending all w/ends, school vacas and holidays with your husband, while you negotiate your own move (the sooner the better.) Moving mid-year isn't the end of the world for the kids and school. My parents moved several times, mid-year and we were older. It will be easier for the kids when they are younger, esp at the age your kids are now.
Mom is only going to dig in her heels harder if you delay this move. She is a grown woman, she'll get over it, at least to some degree. If she doesn't, that's really HER problem, not yours. Sure, you love her and have a good relationship. But, if it's that good, it WILL weather this storm. It isn't your job to provide their happiness - that comes from within. You have mentioned that their marriage isn't a good one - if you allow this to continue, you could end up repeating their relationship in your own. You have many years to look forward to in your own relationship, and should foster that. We are not living in the 50's, when life might have been simpler and multiple generations would/could live together or close.
In the end, it is your choice how you manage this. If you choose to placate mom, understand this might damage your own relationship with hubby and kids. If your relationship with hubby is good, I wouldn't jeopardize it. It could affect you and the kids for a long long time. If you stand your ground and move, either mom will choose an option and get past her anger or not. YOU can't make her happy.
As the saying goes, you can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you CAN'T please all of the people all of the time.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
In late November 2015, my Dad had a stroke, so I was traveling between my home in Las Vegas and their home in Los Angeles. They were determined not to leave Los Angeles, but it was becoming obvious to me that they could no longer be self dependent. Furthermore their home was in pretty sad state, and there was no place for me to stay with them in that home.
A month later an opportunity came up for my husband that required us to move to Puerto Rico. While my husband ended up living in PR during that year, I stayed behind and took care of my parents.
Eventually I was able to convince them to move to Vegas, so at least I could be in the same home with them while taking care of them. During all this time I was taking them around to look at AL homes, but again they steadfastly refused to make the commitment.
By the holiday season of 2016, I decided that I really needed to go and be with my husband, so I made all the arrangements for them to be cared for in my home, so that DH and I could be together for six weeks.
Low and behold..... my mother didn't like that option - instead they both agreed to come to PR with me, and go into a an AL situation.
Now we are three years later, my Dad passed away from AZ, and my Mom is on her own at the facility in PR. When we come back to Vegas for the four months each year, we bring her with us, along with a care taker who stays in our home. In PR the same caretaker takes care of her in the AL home. I think the continuity in people around her is more important than where she physically is.
Your parents very reluctantly moved to Nashville to be with you. Does your husband now want to get away from your parents because their presence in your life is perhaps too oppressive? Both of you need to grow up and face the responsibility of what you have done by badgering them to move near you in the first place. Move if you will; your relationship with your parents will never be the same again so consider carefully whether this job opportunity is right for your husband and will materially benefit you both financially more than keeping your family together. Somehow, I doubt it. And oh, they can move to Missouri where your brother can take them off your hands until you decide you want them back again. You sound like you think your aging parents can and should just continue to move from one place to the other whenever they become inconvenient to you and your husband’s plans. You are the one who talked them into moving. Live with what you’ve done and stay where you are.
What I would suggest is that you do your best to help your parents with something that will work for them – help to find somewhere near your new base (perhaps rented! ready for the next move), or a plan for visits (you pay from that wonderful new salary), or do the ground work for a really nice AL that will help them make new friends easily.
I hope that you and DH don’t take the approach that your own interests come first, and parents just have to suck it up. It isn’t a good outcome for a Happy Families game!
You are going to be in a very vulnerable position if you put your marriage under that much stress and don't have a Plan B for "my husband will understand."
Also, her husband will be vulnerable as a man by himself in the big city. If I had been him, I would have been suspicious of this and taken the children with me.
They've been in TN for a few years now..and have had to opportunity to make friends and become involved in their community. Have they been able to do that? Or have they been relying on you and your kids for their happiness? Have you been trying too hard to keep them happy and cared for, even when it's not quite time for you to step in?
Moves are hard for everyone, but they are also an adventure to try something new. It all depends how you look at it. And time heals a lot. If you're as close as you say you are, then the blame/anger will pass.
Your parents can stay in TN a little longer and enjoy the mild weather as they age..and you can visit back and forth. Nothing is forever! They may decide a move is what they want...but for now as their daughter, if I were you I would stay out of trying to convince them one way or the other.
best wishes.
I understand that adult children have a right to their own lives and their own decisions. But I’m certain this is damn painful for the grandparents because we are in a similar situation. Our daughter moved 2000 miles from where we all lived, to go live in a warmer climate. Our grandson, who had been a daily part of our life since his birth obviously went with them. We are not overbearing, over involved grandparents. We picked him up daily after getting out of work and had him at our house until one of his parents got home. This was at their request. We had him for some amount of time each weekend at their request so they could get some things done. We bonded fiercely with him and loved our time with him. When they moved we were devastated and broken hearted. We also understand they have every right to go.
Now we are retired and considering our possibilities on where to live. We have obligations here to our very elderly parents, which complicates things. The state they went to is not someplace we’d have otherwise considered moving to. And there is no guarantee they wouldn’t move again.
Of course they have the right to do whatever they want. But please have some compassion for the grandparents. This is damn hard, and two years later we still miss our grandson terribly. Visiting is expensive (flights, hotel, rental car, etc.) and FaceTime, while nice, is not the same.
-we would pay for their move including the complete moving package where the moving company packs/boxes all of their items;
-I am planning on staying with my kids for an additional school year in order to help my parents prepare for a potential move to MO to be closer with my brother and his family;
-I offered paying for a furnished location in Pittsburgh for when they come to visit;
-we even offered to buy a 3rd car so when they come to visit they will have their own transportation.
The parents have refused all of her incredibly generous offers. So, while 'compassion for the parents' should be given, the OP and her family should also have the right to move on with their lives, no?
OP could STILL assist them in whatever they decide to do even if she moved now. It doesn't require staying there for that long! TN-PA is only about 9 hours, nothing in today's world. Staying behind for that long is only playing into mom's hands.
I have 3 grown children and at present 3 grandchildren. They are in Texas,Utah and California. My husband and I cannot imagine ourselves living in those states. We might consider the Utah one but we would be back to living with snow which we don't want. I very much wish I lived closer to at least one child but it will not be the case at least anytime soon. They visit us and we visit them.
If your parents will feel isolated with your move then they have the option of considering moving to where one of their children are and where their grandchildren are. While certainly not always the case a true sense of happiness would be their feelings for the success of their children.
THIS is reality, not what OP's mom wants. I'm not even that far from my kids and one grandchild, but the long drive is difficult for me - I wish I could visit more, but it is what it is. I would want my son to chose the best place he can provide for his family and raise his son, NOT what I want! I had my time. If he had a better opportunity across the country and wanted to move, I would NOT object. It is their life and future.
The mother sounds like she is running this circus. She won't consider any of the offers made EXCEPT the one that keeps daughter and grandkids IN their house for {at least} another year and a half! IF she were taking up the offers in addition to the delay of the move, maybe extend the stay to end of school year THIS year, but since all other offers have been thrown on the floor, the last part of the deal should be off the table as well.
I'm not sure you or your children or your husband will be happy with waiting a year to get back together. It may even be harder for you to leave after one year of living that close with them in their house. To me, this does not sound very healthy for your marriage or family.
Does your happiness depend on your mother being happy?
There are several offers I have made for my parents after this happened:
-we would pay for their move including the complete moving package where the moving company packs/boxes all of their items;
-I am planning on staying with my kids for an additional school year in order to help my parents prepare for a potential move to MO to be closer with my brother and his family;
-I offered paying for a furnished location in Pittsburgh for when they come to visit;
-we even offered to buy a 3rd car so when they come to visit they will have their own transportation.
My mother is not interested (right now) in taking me up on any of these except for allowing us to remain in her home until we are ready to go in May 2021 when the school year is over for my kids. It was very difficult for my husband to agree to a separation but he tried to understand my POV and work with me. Since we are both making sacrifices, I felt my husband could help me out by allowing me the extra time to make peace with my situation here in Nashville.
I am shocked that you aren’t moving with him in May 2020. Rethink that, please. Your kids don’t need a move looming over them for 1 1/2 years, unless you truly think it may be a temporary location for your husband.