I moved here in June after 26 years of living alone, and came to a borderline hoarders apartment, long story short she is all over me 24/7, does shopping, meals, laundry, and thinks I'm still a child. She has tremors and just unloads on me when she does not get her way or when things are not done as she wants (exactly) made clear for me it's this or a shelter even though she's loaded. I speak up, and her blood pressure goes through roof, like mine is all day/night waiting for next thing I do wrong like open windows to cool off 200 degree apartment with pre war non-stop steam, no privacy, space. Woke up with allergies, got dressed to go get breakfast (she's all over me in house about take out food (contamination) can't drink diet coke anymore (she forces ginger ale on me despite sugar, and good luck taking more than a 1/4 cup even seltzer. She thinks I have pnuemonia, got pandemic, despite sneezing all the time in morning. With no eat in at restaurants eat on sidewalks like a bum for 30 minutes of peace, she stays in during storms, or for weeks at a time so gets antsy, is good to me but I'm living life of a 12 year old, she wants me to get apartment, will never go to nursing home or assisted living, put locks on all cabinets, wants to donate her stuff for tax write off to clear clutter and does and her plan is for me to inherit doing this. Meanwhile I have anxiety, panic attacks, high blood pressure without this and feel I moved into jail. She's nice, waits on me hand/foot but acts like I'm back in high school, always reminds of everything I do wrong from day one of arriving where I told her we'll drive each other crazy, and she'll go back to childhood if she can't find current things. I'm not perfect but every day I'm miserable and pray to be out of this nightmare. I have no privacy and when I speak she's calls me fresh mouth and rambles on about her past life, and anything bad that happened, any call with anyone she'll speak for two hours, she'll runs water 24/7 and demand I drink cold water, and has to steralize cap, she'll yell at tv and start interrogating me and I live steralizing hands, outdoors and literally needs to be cleared for departure in the morning, she hates shoe laves so bought strapless, now those are considered slippers, so bought boots. Every day is a nightmare I wake up with knots in my stomach and demands she will be respects and any talk about and her blood pressure is up, sees spots. I love her but we're killing each other but beating her landlord means a lot to her by me getting this apt, I almost want one of us dead and wish it was me. I'm 58 years old, she told me can't go out at night like child, my life controlled 24/7.
Anyone who understands pre war steam heat knows it's boiling hot, or nothing, she runs in room after 10pm to close everything because she's freezing all the time or is in shorts and tank top and demands I put on shorts, then she opens my door on Sat at 12am to check heat/cold and demands I go to bed when I'm a 57 year old man. I do get rid of her most nights and close bed room door around 8-9pm because she wakes up at 4-5am and is tired by 8pm so that window of time is usually my freedom from her but you never know when the door will quietly slide open, one night she said she sleep walks and started in on how she did that as a child.
She goes from opening windows too much to demanding them being closed in the bedroom (she lives-sleeps on living room couch even when she lived here alone) gave me the storage room bedroom she did not use before I came here and loaded up and even glued windows shut so when I arrived in June she was upset windows had to be opened, or I did not want old curtains or a jesus mural over bed, and throws it in my face all the time even though no furniture was moved.
So what if she calls 911 if you leave? She can pitch a fit all she wants and maybe the EMTs will see she’s living in a hoard and call adult services.
You aren’t trapped or stuck. You have a means of escape. Maybe not much to take with you, but it would be much better to have a small place with little possessions than live with that woman! Anxiety on trains is a small price to pay. You can handle this.
Are you unemployed, on disability, or what? Why did you move in with her in the first place?
And after she dies I have to clean this place out, she forgets where everything is and keeps records back to 1970's on shelves. She wants me to have her rent stabalized NY apartment at the low price the rent is despite the 10 plus years of hell I will have to endure to survive here which will kill me because I'm 57 and in poor health/disabled but can walk a few blocks.
You're talking like she's a saint, "saved 100x lives", which is doubtful. You can say she's a good person, but she is not good to you. Of course she treats you like you're 12... you're acting like the dependent child who better not upset mommy. Life can be so much better than this. Not easier, maybe, but better.
You've traded one chaos (landlords) for another one.
I spend day, night looking at apartments, shelters, no section 8 available so I thought go live where lowest rents are. Toledo, Ohio. Studio's are $1500.00 with no rent controls in NY as my mother rightfully says I'm sitting on a gold mine once she's gone in rent stabilized here but this has been my life for six months as of 6/8/20. I did not even get out of the cab before she yelled at the driver about the price of the fare because I needed to go by side streets because I can't go by highway locally.
Your mother got a job to support herself and others. Great, but this is what millions of people do every day. She is not a 'savior' for doing so. Unless she was a doctor and/or Jesus himself, she has not 'saved' 100x people, 100x times. She overcame huge hardships. Also admirable, but again, millions have done the same.
Your entire post was about how you're so aggravated with her and want to scream. Every day is a struggle, you're stressed out the minute you wake up every morning, and you're about to crack from all the conflict (and I would too if it were me).
When others tell you what you can do-- that this is abusive and to get out-- you change your tune. Now she waits on you hand and foot. She would die for you. She's my savior. She's done great things for people, she's a good person.
Which is it?
The "it would kill her" (did she die the first time you moved out?) and all the "she's a savior!' are your excuses to not leave. Saying "I'm disabled and nowhere to go", when you previously said you could get a small place of your own. Nothing fancy, not many belongings, but still your own place! It's scary to be on your own, yet millions of people are every day, including people with all kinds of disabilities.
Now if you were just venting, that's totally okay! We all need to vent sometimes! It's just that there really isn't any point asking for help when you are countering every suggestion and telling us she's wonderful.
How likely do you think that will be that what's left is a "gold mine"? You are 58. I doubt you will live the decades more your Mom likely will in this environment.
You will need to continue now to work toward moving out again. You have a lot of reasons this won't work, but I don't see another answer at all. I think we both know that your Mother is not going to be changing. When I watch Hoarders, what is left after the Hoard and the years of neglect in a home is somewhat short of being a gold mine. Most Hoarder's homes have to be ploughed back into the earth when the hoard is removed.
I am so sorry you made this move. It is making you ill and it could in fact prove deadly if you have mold allergies. Please work now toward moving out. Only you can work on change in your own life; I wish you so much luck going forward, and am so sorry for this difficulty now.
Your choices are to either continue putting up with this rotten behavior from her, or move out. Even if you can't afford an apartment, just rent a room for the time being. The best thing you can do for your health is remove yourself from that toxic environment.
Put a lock on your door, tell her to keep out.
An adult male does not allow his elderly mother to wait on him hand and foot.
Leave the house from 9:00 a.m. to dark.
BTW, the above are only suggestions, not telling you what to do.
It's 20 degrees out and she does weather updates like it's life and death, I can't go out 12 hours a day in a pandemic with nothing opened. I went to the doctor in september, had to go fill his paper RX, stayed for it to be filled, got flu shot, then got a haircut, was gone a good three plus hours, I came back she was out of her head, where were you, called doctor. In summer she thought I was running away almost daily in shorts and a fanny pack.
You need to move, its not working. There are HUD vouchers. HUD subsidized apts. They only charge 30% of your income for rent. Depending on ur disability maybe you can get a p/t job. SS disability allows u to make so much a year. Was 14k but I think that has gone up. Social Services maybe able to help. Office of Aging too. You have been on your own too long. Hard to live with someone who won't give you privacy.
There is usually a waiting list for them. His was age 50 and up.
It was a percentage of rent.
They even had church service at the apartment for them. Bingo too.
Free care boxes of non perishable food. It was a one bedroom and plenty big enough for him.
They had shuttle buses to the pharmacy and grocery too.
I go out 1-2 times a day for 30-45 minutes but weather does not allow me to stay out for long. Before coming I had to e-mail her daily miles long e-mails so she could forget everything later, and good luck if I did not respond by 11am. But I survived that and got Sunday's off but odd call would pop up and she would do her thing, never refused her coming to me but was three hours of hell and she admitted she left my place screaming how bad I was living, the more I did to be a good family member, the more she needed to vent on me about everything. Now I got it 24/7.
I moved here and used her doctor once on my insurance. She found my psychiatrist in 2003 but in 1992 her primary doctor hooked my on xanax which was given away like candy back then before doctors ran from giving it out and wanted to give out new-improved choices, one said no more xanax, take remeron, I almost died after 1/2 a pill and spent three days sleeping so I don't let doctors change my med. Before coming here tried to withdraw, since coming here that ended.
Ask your sibling to help you apply for subsidized housing, supportive housing, senior housing.
If you can get out, for God's sake and your own - Get Out!
There are plenty of places to help you move out and also help you with food and other necessities.
Your Mom will never change and you need to ACCEPT that or live in chaos. You can NOT change anyone but yourself. You will always be a child to your Mom no matter how old you are. My older brother lived with my Mom until his late 60's after he got divorced. He ignored my Mom (even though she was really nice to him and did a lot for him). She didn't even ask for rent.
If I were in your shoes I would have never moved in with a woman like that in the first place, I would have gone to a shelter. I would rather be in control of my own life then live with someone that would drive me crazy.
I wish you the best,
Jenna
In a way, you are so entwined with this mentally ill mother you don't seem to be able to think independently. I'm really, really sorry for that.
You are hanging on b/c in what, 20 years or so you MIGHT inherit a rent controlled, hoarded out apartment in NYC?
This makes no sense to me, at all.
And BTW, taking a walk for 30-45 minutes doesn't mean you are like a homeless person. It means you are taking a walk.
Sounds like you just want to vent, and that's OK, we all do sometimes. It's when great advice is given and you shoot it down---people will stop responding and trying to help you.
You have siblings? Go to THEM for help. You will not live long in a toxic and filthy environment.
If you choose to simply complain, have at it. We do care, we think about things before we post them. You've been given a TON of support and advice, but you shot everything down.
Your MOM isn't the problem--you have bought into all her crazy. You need to get some help to stand up and be a man.
Sorry if I sound mean--I do feel for you.
Being alone with just a few belongings would be ever so preferable to what you are experiencing now. I do wish you calm and a peaceful mind to think this through.
A desperate measure and not well received tactic, I am sure, and not the ideal solution. Not everyone can achieve their ideal lifestyle. However, fighting her on everything will just drive her crazy, and you. If you were not stuck in that mindset, you could see that it is making things worse, and you both are miserable. Neither one of you is right, torturing each other.
Start small, so you can make it through the holidays. Stop correcting her, she likely has a broken brain and cannot change. Try cooperation and kindness. Stop criticizing her. She is ill.
Work on yourself, see a counselor to advise you.
See the movie: "What About Bob?" with Richard Dreyfus as the psychiatrist,
who wrote a book called "Baby Steps".
Bill Murray played the patient, an exemplar of neediness, and a compendium of phobias. He ends up helping the egotistical psychiatrist to change, and also helps the family, as he himself improves his outlook.
This will help you feel better.
Check back here if you try any of this. I want to hear if your mother falls over in shock, starts shouting "Who are you and what have you done with my son?".
Merry Christmas William. You remind me of a poster called himself Chris years ago.
A Landlord can evict a hoarded apartment as unsafe, and unsanitary living conditions. The Health Department would like to talk with you.