She had a TBI four years ago and should not be drinking. My siblings encourage her to drink, stay up late(2:00 AM), and it takes days for her to recuperate after they leave. Since she is 84 and functions well despite the Traumatic Brain Injury, should I just stay silent or gently suggest that her drinking be limited and sleep be considered important? I am her main caregiver and the only one who gets to see her exhaustion after family visits are over. I love my siblings, but they have a difficult time accepting the natural tiny changes we need to make for Mom's well-being. I do not want to start drama, but I dread each visit for my mother's sake. I am amazed when siblings state that Mom loves to cook for them. She hates to cook after so many years of cooking and loves take out or to eat out. They just cannot accept the fact she is slowing aging. After all, all of her children except one are considered"senior citizens" including me. :)
My mom did a game face for years, if we hadn't moved in with her for a period of time after a hurricane where I could see her true day to day inability to manage on her own, she probably would have slogged along for a few more years not getting the care & assistance she needs, living in a constant state of anxiety and worry.
So when I forced her into IL there was no room for arguement on the need.
With my MIL, who was an alcoholic, she would have the visits all planned out to exactly what, when how and therefore could control. The sons really were in denial, it was "mom is totally fine, she had a great time when we did.......". It was only after they started getting collections calls because of her being a total financial terrorist, their having to go & deal with the ER, etc. that their viewpoint changed.
RLP, your family needs a dose of reality. You are just too nice. Can you take a vacation or go away to take a course, go away to visit family, so that other members of the family have to come and take care of mom for two weeks? so they have to see & deal for themselves what mom's like. Personally I'd do it so that they have to take her to at least 1 MD appt & a dental visit. Reality check.
If you use tact in passing this information on to them - not blaming them, but telling them that she tries so hard to be like she was - cooking for them and being mom - that they can't possibly see the effects after she goes. Of course, if they stayed around longer they'd see that she can't keep it up, but suggesting that could cause the drama you wisely want to avoid.
You can let them know that the doctor doesn't think drinking is good for her - that it could even put her at risk for more health problems. You may want to get the doctor in on this. I'm sure you'd get cooperation. You could also ask her doctor to write a note suggesting that your mom take it easier and not cook and try to do so much.
As I said - it's denial on the part of your siblings. They don't want to accept their mom's aging. But they must. So some gentle reminders with medical backing could help. Take care. This is a hard issue to address, but you aren't alone in it.
Carol