My mom hasn't driven in over 7 years. She hasn't walked in 4 years. She stopped being able to transfer into a car about 1-2 years ago. She's completely bound to a wheelchair or bed.
She's going off the rails today about how she's going to take the bus to the DMV to take her driver's test. I told her she's going to be very disappointed. I wouldn't put it past her to attempt to go. She is totally capable of lying to her home health saying she's just going to the store or something so they'll put her in her scooter. Then she'd end up at the DMV with nowhere to go.
Drives me bananas. She has slight dementia but not bad and it's not progressing. She just fixates on stuff, and this isn't the first time she's fixated on driving again. Maybe in a couple days she won't be fired up about it. But I honestly don't know.
I just want it to stop. It's making me anxious as hell even though I know realistically she'll never drive again.
So if she gets on the bus and gets to the DMV she will not be able to get a license.
Personally I would not worry that she can get a license.
You could call and ask what the policy is where you are but I am sure it is the same anywhere. They just don't have "extra cars" to let people use. She also may have to show proof of insurance as well.
And many places now require that you make an appointment for a test. So again if she shows up without an appointment they will not give her a written or road test.
You need to quit stressing over these minor bumps in the road, or you will end up with stress related health issues. You must learn to pick your battles. This one just isn't worth it. Best wishes.
Don't stress over things that will never happen. Do know, however, that all dementia progresses...........not necessarily on a schedule, or quickly, but it does progress. Your mother's dementia may be a tad worse than the 'slight' case you think it is if she's insisting on driving again when she's totally wheelchair and/or bedbound these days.
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with a difficult situation.
"His men will follow him anywhere - if only out of curiosity."
Even in the improbable event that your mother does follow through and does demand to be escorted to the DMV and is (correctly, I would have to remind you) supported in her wish by the HHAs, that's still leaves her a very long way from being back on the road, doesn't it?
So... if you just make cheerful but non-committal noises to humour her, there isn't a substantial risk of any harm coming to anyone, is there?
PS. I wish there was a "laugh" button on here, I love your comments. "If only out of curiosity," LOL!
Teepa Snow describes 'emerald' stage like that, on the go, either actions or thoughts. Check out her videos & webpages for caring for 'emerald' type behaviour - especially how to redirect.
Another active response may be to reminisce over driving holidays, look at old photos, or watch a golden oldie road film (remember It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World? Great stuff!)
A passive idea may be to just smile, nod, ah-huh OK Mom.
Is the feeling more that you need to fix this driving problem for her? If so, if you can find a way to let go of that, that it is not yours to solve, it will become easier to tolerate the thought loops.
If she can successfully navigate all of these hoops independently, plus pass the written and eye tests, and provide proof of insurance, more power to her!
If she has had her license lapse for over a couple of years, she would need to start all over with a learner's permit and all of the required classroom hours.
Therapeutic fibs are morally acceptable and often work really well. Best not to argue "reality" with her -- it's pointless and stress-inducing for both of you. I do this with my 99-yr old aunt who sundowns every afternoon and fixates on "going home". I say, "Ok, but first would you please go to the mailbox with me?" (yes) Then, "Would you please help me fold this pile of towels?" (yes)... etc. Then before you know it, it's dinner time and she's stopped fixating. You do what's least stress inducing, less inconveniencing and most safe.
But for YOU, aj6044? Have you given any thought to why this particular focus is causing YOU the unfair degree of stress?
Although you say her dementia is not progressing and is only slight this sounds at odds with her behaviour which does not sound like "slight" dementia. Perhaps another assessment of her dementia by her Doctor would be worth while.
Of course that may not be as easy for others so may I suggest u start off by giving her a driver's handbook to read through, if that doesn't detour give her mock test to see if she can pass, if not... problem solved probably unhappily but won't be your fault. Darn DMV.😉 It's a matter of picking your battles. My sister in law told me her father "kicked her out of the house weekly" because she wouldn't take him to get his. I chose the easier battle less stressful for all of us. Again even though prepared I got lucky on this one. Good luck to you.
Ignore her comments, smile a lot, and redirect/divert like crazy. Talk with the home health agency and let them know under no circumstances are they to put her in a car or allow her to leave unassisted, at least without contacting you first.
Sounds like time to consider moving her to a good assisted living facility very close to you. Check with her doctor about her diagnosis - see if they will give her a mini cog and determine her level of competency at this point.
I pray you have DPOA and GPOA. If not, see an attorney about what you can legally do to help her.
Check out www.TeepaSnow.com and the Alzheimer’s Association for great help and advice. Don’t try to take this journey on your own.you need all the support and advice you can get.
Such a difficult situation. I know…
Blessings to you
As someone else said driving is such a symbol of our freedom even for someone who can navigate getting around easily without the ability it’s hard to accept giving it up. For your mom it must be even more frustrating and even frightening not to be able to even get on her scooter without help but if it comes to it maybe you will need to let her know that she will need to prove she can get to the car, transfer herself and work the pedals/controls all on her own before taking the road test, maybe she can do this but maybe she knows she can’t she just hasn’t thought about all of that before being able to actually drive. Sometimes we forget there are steps that lead to the activity we know we can do…
Your anxiety is the issue right now. I try to think of a "script" to respond with or just change the conversation.
Both my aunt and my mom have dementia so believe me I know about anxiety and stress. I do a short yoga routine every morning and a bible podcast every night. Do something that brings you peace. Pray before a visit with her.
I feel your pain but she will not change.
Wishing you peace and calm.
Although, the fact that she knows about the DMV is a complicating issue.
I agree, the issue here is your anxiety over all of this. Who is on your team, ie, do you have a therapist? They can help you problem solve for how to deal with your mom. They are objective; you are emotional. It might help a lot.
Maybe this will help?
https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/redirect-a-loved-one-with-dementia
I'm sorry your mom lost her mobility. She lost a lot--and it makes caregiving a lot more difficult. I had to induce a bowel movement three times a week or mom would get impacted. Like clockwork -- and she did it in bed because she was unable to get up. THAT is why I kept her moving as long as I could as I walked her daily for five years. If it was raining outside I would take her to an indoor parking lot and literally counted 1,000 steps which was the equivalent to 1/4 a mile. Although it was owned by the city I really was not supposed to do that--BUT nobody said anything, and I HAD to walk my mom to keep her moving. The parking lot was under camera but I think the city understood so nobody said anything.
Mom died age 90 and 3 months. Among her host of chronic illnesses in addition to severe Alzheimer's, was insulin dependent diabetes, hypertension, rheumatoid arthritis (she has the RA factor), hyperlipidemia (due to diabetes BUT I could not give her statins due to her liver disease), chronic kidney disease and liver disease. It's pretty rare someone with insulin dependent diabetes to last that long but of all litany of her illnesses, I kept her sugar in perfect control. I knew what to do with her insulin like clockwork and mom died with perfect skin and TWO YEARS on hospice. Not once did she ever need psychotropics or narcotics. The best treatment for RA is keep them moving. and meat is the worse thing. A feeding tube kept her comfortable (that takes TONS of care--she forgot how to eat and drink and that was a struggle in itself), so she did not die of dehydration--and she died from the complications of her IDDM -- Alzheimer's did not kill her at all. TWO years on hospice.
OH GOD I miss mom. She was my life.
What helped ME cope with her behavior was visiting MY doctor. He prescribed a very small dose of Xanax that I took in the morning before visiting my Mom for the day. It took the edge off my anxiety and helped me calmly interact with Mom and appropriately distract her fixation on whatever. My brother lived with her and he was just passive aggressive and either ignored what she wanted or gave into her demands to take her shopping (so she could get more throw rugs, etc). I also had an understanding husband of 40 years to vent to. Caregiving the elderly is not easy. My longtime PCP understood that. I am and always have been a worrier (anxious) and caring for my Mom for 10 years kicked that into high gear. She's been gone 5 years now and I still have my prescription. I rarely take it, but I know when upcoming events will trigger my anxiety and stress, I will preemptively take one pill.
I'm not saying everyone should take pharmaceuticals but that is what worked/works for me. Make an appt with your doctor and ask his advice. Talk therapy alone wasn't doing it for me. Elderly people want to do what they want to do, not realizing it's no longer physically or mentally possible. We caregivers must adjust OUR reactions to THEIR perceived reality. Hugs to you.
* Part of the car engineer must be dis-engaged so it doesn't start.
* Alert local police of this situation.
* Call DMV to have DL taken away (needs MD authorization)
* If this woman talks about driving, she is not thinking logic (she can't) so asking her the questions you pose won't matter. Re-directing her focus is what will help her, and the daughter.
Gena / Touch Matters