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She seems otherwise happy but sleeps more during the day and will not go outside. Getting her to the doctors or to a restaurant is an exercise in patience as she will do nothing to help herself. She has some dementia but says she is happy in "her little corner on the sofa". They have a nice space in our home occupying the master bedroom with an ensuite and have a nice living room. My dad is frustrated with her and they do not spend as much time together as he likes to sit out and enjoy the nice weather, he reads and uses a computer daily. She sits and watches TV and falls asleep. Her health is good, she has a pacemaker but her blood pressure is excellent. Her attitude drives me crazy, she will not participate in anything or even read anymore. I thought she was depressed but apparently that is not the case. She has always had a lazy way about her but now that we are all living in the same house, I remember! She never lifts a finger and her expectations are huge. She uses a walker but could get by with a cane but she does like to play the part of being feeble. She is strong and is becoming aggressive towards my dad. Sometimes I detect a very unclean odor and know she needs to shower. I have helped her with this on occasion, done her hair for her, her nails and helped with her dressing. I am running on empty these days and it is affecting my relationship. My husband has been wonderful but we all have our limits. I have asked them both about going to a seniors center to mix with others seniors like them but my mother will not leave the house unless she is forced and says "maybe one day but I don't know which day". To be away overnight I have to ask my sister to come to town, she lives 3 hours away. My brother lives closer but he works full time and we see little of him. It is stressful. Some days I feel so alone and depressed by the situation and blame myself because they are my parents. We both want to help them but my mother makes this so hard. She is manipulative and has always been a bit of a hypochondriac. She has been lucky all her life as she has been taken care of by my dad and never had to work outside the home. Not like my sister and I who were both single parents with all the associated difficulties. I know that is why I find her attitude so hard to deal with. I have offered all kinds of things that might interest her from knitting to teaching her to use the computer but she doesn't want to. Please give me some suggestions Thank you. By the way, my husband and I are both in our late 60's too!

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At 89 years of age I don't think you are going to change her outlook or attitude. Don't expect so much. Going out to eat? My folks are mid 80s and still in their home. I'd rather take a severe beating as to try and get them to go anywhere. She wants to sleep? So what......You said she always been a little lazy and hypo. Why would she change now?

You're to be commended for taking such good care of your folks. I stay with my folks a few weeks a year and after each visit I'm a maniac for several days. My wife just stays away when I get home.

This is going to get much harder. Can you consider assited living? At the very least line up some respite care so you can get out, take a trip, get away from caregiving.
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I would take note of certain things about your mom, such as refusing to bathe, getting aggressive, sleeping a lot, etc. It's difficult to say if the decline is from normal age related decline or something else. These are also signs of dementia. There are ways to examine it, but you'll need to have her evaluated. That is an option. But, either way, it's not likely that you will inspire her to change. I would try to figure out a way to accommodate her behavior.

Is there some reason you say it's not depression? What about an infection or medication reaction? I might rule them out and then explore the dementia issue. I would certainly consider your options if her behavior progresses, since it likely will progress. I don't think most people would be able to care for someone 24/7 who does not walk inside their home. That's a huge responsibility.
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You are in a bad spot and likely it's going to get worse. As Mom vegetates in her corner, her physical capacities will shrink dramatically. Pretty soon you will be using a Hoyer lift to get her from bed to wheelchair to sofa. To curl up in the corner and quit life is a sign of a psychiatric disorder. She needs an evaluation by a geriatric psychiatrist. I would be looking for other living arrangements for them; it seems unreasonable that they take over your home and expect full time service from you.
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She's 89 years old. Most things you mention are because of that. You need relief. When you say she could get by with a cane, that tells me that you're in burnout. When you characterize her behavior as manipulative and hypochondrial, I think that's more evidence of same. She's 89 years old. Her sense of balance is probably dicey. Manipulative? Honestly, aren't most moms? ;) Even when they don't mean to be?

Get her a transport chair. Your exercise in patience when you take her out will require more exercise. And less patience. If she's walking very slowly, she may have Parkinsonian symptoms.

They are living with you and have been for a long time. Both getting Social Security. Spend some of that money on respite care. You and hubby take your lives back. Get some rest. Some entertainment. Some diversions.

There's nothing wrong with spending most of one's time on the couch when one is 89 years old.
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I'll warrant if you got a neuropsych evaluation on your mom, you'd discover that she can no longer read and can only follow very simple tv plots. Who evaluated her for depression? The biggest drawback to her remaining in your home is the lack of socialization.

Have you thought about the idea of a facility where they would both be relatively content? Have you talked to her doctor about the aggression you've witnessed?
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Your folks sound very much like mine. Dad is still active, mows grass cuts brush, putters with his plants. Mom hasn't gotten off her butt since 1970. Granted she has many legitimate health issues but I gave up years ago trying to get her to get any exercise or take an interest in ANYTHING. So she eats, does all her meds, naps, more meds, repeat. To her credit she does do pretty well keeping dad out of trouble with his dementia.
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My mom has never been a social person. After my father passed away and she began to have some health issues, she became increasingly isolated in her suburban home. The great thing about the Independent Living facility that she went to was that all of the socialization and acidity was right outside her door, and she knew how to get to a bathroom quickly. Familiarity with the facility and proximity to toilets becomes of paramount importance when you are elderly. Mom can't explain to you why she doesn't want to go out, but I really doubt it's laziness if she has a dementia diagnosis.
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Witsend, I find that those of us with baggage are often the ones who (mistakenly in my opinion) try too hard second guess and browbeat ourselves into doing caregiving that most "kids" with more normal relationships would not attempt.

You sound very, very burnt out to me. I urge you to let go at least a bit. If mom wants to sit, so be it. Yes, she's going to end up in a nursing home and/or memory care. It's not your fault, neither is it hers.
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Witsend66, I'm not sure why you say there is a huge difference in dementia and Alzheimers. I would read a lot about these conditions.

I would strongly encourage you to have your mom evaluated for both physical and mental decline. Perhaps, getting a proper diagnosis can help you get more support or benefits to help with her care.

Dementia, that can be caused by Alzheimers and other things like Vascular dementia, etc., renders the brain incapable of functioning normally. Even if a person was lazy and selfish their entire life, when they get dementia, the brain is damaged and they are not capable of behaving normally. The past has to be put aside and their needs taken care of. Since, you say there is much baggage, I would try to get some counseling to help you with that. And it sounds like there is so much work taking care of her that you need help with that too. I wish the best with that. You are wise to seek out information and support.
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Thanks again for all the useful information. It is good to know others who are experiencing similar things. It is my first time on this site and I have never been to another. I do realize that with dementia, life changes and I have researched the progress it takes. I fully support my mothers journey into nowhere land and understand what will happen, it is just her laziness that concerns me and her unwillingness to move. Her obstinency is like meeting the hoover dam! Also her unwillingness to care for herself. My. Mother was social and enjoyed her friends. Although many have passed on, there are still people in her life that she now has no interest in, including family, grandchildren, etc. she is also reluctant to see a dentist and look after her teeth, what is left of them. She has a partial denture and she says all is well. She eats between meal s and spoils her appetite for dinner many times. I am moving the cookie jar to another spot. Thank you to the person who mentioned the snacking spot, it gave me the idea, it should encourage movement if she wants a treat. Everyone has good ideas and suggestions and it all helps. I am very grateful for all the help I can get. Thankyou to everyone.
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