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I don't mean money! She believes that children should take care of their parents because of everything that was done for them in the past. For example, I drive my mother everywhere, as she refuses to use a driving service which she can well afford. She says that because she drove me around as a child, I should now drive her. While I say to her that that is very faulty logic, she refuses to back down. Do I just ignore her, make myself unavailable, or what? I have two sisters, but she claims they are "busy," and doesn't want to bother them. I am a retired widow and live nearby, but after three years ot waiting on mom (she is a widow also and is 88), I am just sick of being her servant. My plan is to limit my time to two days a week, three hours in the afternoon. I'm going to tell her and my sisters this is all I am prepared to do. Does anyone have an opinion on any of what I've written? I just hate being taken for granted!

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We OWE our parents to be responsible productive adults when we move out into the world. What we don't owe them is the obligation of taking care of them because they chose to be parents. Caregiving should be a choice by love not unwanted obligation.
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You have to do what-become a slave to her now because she cared for you as a baby and child?
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No victims just volunteers, is what you have to tell yourself. Your mother is manipulating you, if she can, with these words. Just tell her that she taught you well and your responsibility is to pay it forward. It's hard. You just have to do it.
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My mother had another slant she said you have kids to do work for you and boy did she but when she was elderly did she take advantage of having things done for her-she felt entitled so she got kids who were slaves to her and taken care of when elderly.
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You should be sick of being her indentured servant...and I know EXACTLY how you feel.

You might just have to confront her on this issue, and either intentionally make yourself unavailable or set up some form of platoon system with your sisters, whether they are "busy" or not.

Regardless of the circumstances, you have the right to live your life and your mothers attempts at guilt and martyrdom should not be tolerated.
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In order for you to get your life back you need to detatch and set boundaries yes she may get mad but will get over it -you do not owe her your whole life and your health-You are right tell her a week ahead how you will be able to help her-and it will change because you will get a life and may have other plans on your day to help her-tell her she will be using a car service some of the time-she can afford it what is she saving her money for-later on if she goes on medicaide they will get almost all of it anyway. Do set boundaries otherwise as she gets so much dependant on you her requests will increase-sit down and tell her the present way is not working out for you and there will be changes-my mom would call my sister and say I have a hair appointment for such and such -not even having asked her if that worked for my sister. Please let us know how it goes we can all learn from each other-I hope you can read Lisa's discussion FOR 2 YEARS MY MOTHER HAS BEEN LIVING WITH US-----she had to take action and did and got her life and her family's life back on track. We will encourage you along the way.
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Your mother raised you, which means she provided for you the basic things you could not provide for yourself, food, clothing, shelter, time to attend school. Hopefully she also gave you love. In short she tried to keep you safe and healthy, and tried to make you feel loved. That is what you owe her in her declining years, but you also owe it to her, to take good care of the child she raised - yourself.
You do NOT owe it to her to do things that she can do for herself, or that she can afford to pay a helper to do for her. So you should keep an eye on her, to make sure she is taking care of herself; you should help her to arrange for service, if she cannot figure it out for herself. You should intervene if
you think she is not getting the medical attention or the household help that she actually needs. Not to do those things for her, but to make sure that someone
is helping her.
In fact, a loving act would be to remind her what she is capable of doing for herself, as that will help to keep her feeling strong and independent. She may try to guilt you into doing more than you should, because she may be feeling vulnerable and is afraid to ask for what she really needs. Remind her that if she wears you out, and you get sick, you won't be able to help her at all. Make sure that she gets regular checkups from her doctor. If she seems to be showing
changes in memory or personality, get her to see a geriatrician, and/or a neurologist, or a geriatric psychiatrist - in older people, changes caused by aging can be undiagnosed for years, but once diagnosed there may be medical treatment that would improve her quality of life and might also make her easier to get along with. If she is just fine, but is merely bullying you, then you need to set firm boundaries to protect yourself, and only do for her those things that can only be done by you. After all, you are part of her legacy, and by taking better care of yourself, you are doing her a favor.
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I applaud you for recognizing that there is a problem before it becomes a beast too big to tame. And to take it one step further, you have prepared to take a solution based action in limiting your days/hours. BRAVO to you for your common sense and willingness to deal in reality. Best of luck to you!
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tell her your even. you didnt ask to be born, she made that choice. but it is your choice to help her now and since you should get paid for it, YOUR EVEN
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Eddie good to see you. I believe setting boundaries. My mother just died about 2 weeks ago and the 3 of us from NY went out to see her -my sister lives close to where my Mom lived-my 2 brothers spent 3 days with her-I was with her day and night and did not leave the hospital for a week-my brother went home when she rallied-she let them know how great it was to see them and talked glowingly on the phone when they called and continued to give me dirty looks and continued to treat me bladly as she always had done except the night before her massive stroke she did thank me for giving her a drink-the kid she hated was with her at the end-she had a way of rewriting history and her mind was sharp she even said one time to my aunt that she was a good mother because we turned out allright-what we did was survive in spite of her and all of us would have done better in life if she had encouraged us instead of fighting us all the way-but at least i knew how not to raise kids-I have pretty much the same feelings as I had 3 yrs ago when my husband died-I had thought that at the end he might have said he was sorry for the why he treated me but though this site and learning about narcissic people I knew that would never happen with my mother but it is what it is. On another note I hope everyone stays safe in this upcomming storm.
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Please read Prayers of Renewal & Restoration in times of caregiving by Robert M. Hamma!! This little book saved me from becoming a person I don't want to be. I am the youngest of seven ...but like all the stories my eldest sister & I are the main caregivers for my 86 yrs. old hispanic mother. I completely sympathize with all of you; this job is tough! Please get this book ...you will comfort in the words. All we seek is acknowledgment and love from our mothers. My mom raised all seven of us by herself after my father was killed in a MVA. I truly appreciate everything she did for us...God knows that. But she fails to remember the times she was so busy working that she didn't stop to spend time with us. Nourishing ourselves thru prayer , getting rest and doing things that bring us inner peace are priceless! My sisters I am with you all.
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I've said this before and I'll say it again: people shouldn't have children and later on charge them for it. They're not an investment or some kind of insurance policy against old age. And if that's going to be the case, they should be in on it from day one rather than lay it on them when they're grown, probably gone, and have children of their own. My sons are biochemists living in southern Florida and want me to come live with them. When I asked if their request is from a sense of obligation, they said it's because they miss those twisted conversations we had while huddling around campfires; because the family is incomplete without me. If my own father were alive, all of us would be acting up somewhere in the Everglades or the Brazilian boondocks; maybe slumming it in some favela like Alemao or Vila Cruz. Cracking a few beers, shooting pool, playing dominoes and calling each other names we weren't born with. The two of them are raising terrorists of their own, and they don't want me to miss a thing. ... Come to think of it, I'm going to start packing and pop up at their front door for the usual turkey coma in November. It's going to be a blast.
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If this is a generational issue, I wonder if it has to do in part with the fact that the oldest living generation and their ancestors often lived in the same town with the wives not taking outside employment. Now families may live hundreds or thousands of miles apart with the children all having responsibilities outside the home, the implications of which may be difficult for some members of the older generation to accept. My mother laments that "her children are so far away", but she and my father chose to retire in the little village where they grew up, and where there are almost no career opportunities for their educated children. Fortunately, my parents don't demand anything and are thankful for everything my sister and I do, but my mother still expresses this sentiment.
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Why should it be okay to abuse grown children, whereas you can go to jail for abusing kids? Abuse is just wrong, and the Bible does not condone any such thing - to honor your parents does not involve being their slave. In extreme financial need you should help them, but that is the extent of your "obligation". Hopefully the love between you will make burdens light and willingly undertaken - not a self-destructive "obligation".
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I really believe that my generation (I'm 49) is the last generation that will feel guilt about taking care of elderly parents. I work at a college and I just don't see the compasion and caring in the current generation or some of the older ones. I know that I grew up with a real fear of my mother. She never hit me, but I did everything I could to please her and never felt that I was very successful. My mom is now in assisted living and she didn't want to go. That little girl inside me still thinks...if mom gets out of there, I'm gonna be in trouble. How irrational is that?...and I have a clinical psychology background. My brother was in your situation when mom was still living at home. He did everything and it was never enough. He would say "I can go from hero to zero in 30 seconds flat". I believe we all just do the best we can. You definitely should set boundaries, for your own sanity. For some parents, there will never be enough to "repay" them. All you have to be concerned with is that you did your best while still taking care of yourself.
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Be kind and firm and just say NO. Boundaries are not only healthy they are necessary. My parents have tried to literally make me feel guilty for 'all they did for" me. My husband and I have six kids and I have to say, we have been much less selfish than my parents ever were. What we do and have done is just what parents do! Tell your mother that the message you got from her is that those are the things you do for your children and that you have also done that/paid it forward, to to speak. You are entitled to have a life and unfortunately you have to teach her how to treat you. Best of luck! God bless!
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Where are your sisters & they are giving you & Mom the BS of being busy? don't be the fallgirl for their ignorance..I was for my siblings but knew I was doing the right thing!
If anyone is at fault it's them...Mom is vulnerable like a child now that turns down these transportation survices out of fear & feels more comfortable when her baby daughter is near + more importantly loved then traveling w/strangers? so ensure your mom you love her but need a break sometimes & it would really help you if she could use them a few days a month.
I take care of my 84 year old mom since she got dementia in 2000...it's tough but know my dad watches me from heaven & is proud of me! :)
I'm disabled at 54 & just got out of the hospital from a heart attack & mom helps me now by cooking meals & even laundry she is doing great.
My 18 year old daughter could not bother leaving her boyfriend for awhile in Michigan to help & that hurts!
Family should be there for each other because it makes life's stresses tolerable w/a streignth in numbers then 1?
You either die or get old & wouldn't you rather have loved ones around to help then strangers?
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I don't think you have to worry about becoming like your mother. My mother wants to be taken care of too, but her idea of being taken care of means that we should be an electrician, plumber, roofer anything that saves her money, Lol!! Distancing myself from her helps so much in being able to deal with her but then she is not living with me. She calls me several times a day when she knows I'm not working. When my mother is at family gatherings, I ignore her. I used to feel like I had to bring her in on conversations and she would be just like how you describe your mother, jealous of the other people I would talk to, criticize them later...a litany of this person snubbed her or that person was rude...but she was always so sweet while in their presence. (((hugs))) to you!
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Thanks for sharing that, Sharyn. It's hard to want to even look at them as they age when they made life nearly impossible for you since childhood. Still, I worked at it, through it, over it, under it, across it--anyway I could overcome and my husband would say 'why do you let her push your buttons? treat her like a child, since she literally behaves like she never progressed past the age of 10.' I would say to him that I could easily have let bygones be bygones, but her meanness and intentional hurting was ongoing and up to the minute. I always thought people mellowed with age, but if anything the selfishness and entitlement behavior that was there within them only seemed to grow with age. I was the youngest of 3 and my brother and I are less than a yr. apart and all my life I was told I was a mistake and that she wanted to "throw myself out the window" and laugh about it, but then she thought it may be a girl so it may be worth it. My brother always says to me if it was so important to have a daughter, why didn't she treasure you? The only important person to her is herself. And that jealousy thing? Over the past 30 yrs. I've had to be very careful when both she and my MIL were in the same room because I could sense the vibes if she thought I was relating to, laughing or talking more to my MIL than to her. It was like work to be with them together because I was never relaxed. I loved our family get togethers when it was only my husband's family, because I didn't have to always be sure to be looking at her, working her into conversations (nearly impossible) and then driving her home she would be sure to pick a fight about some part of the evening. Once years ago she came very late to a party she was invited to at my SIL's and I had to hear about how shoddy she thought she was treated because my SIL didn't have a fresh enough hot dog for her to eat. As I said, nothing ever changes. You know, my mother let nothing ever come between her and her fun weekends, vacations, winters in FL from Sept. to April without so much as a birthday card for my winter BD yet we were all expected to give up our own lives to kowtow to her. Oh Lord, I pray every day I never become like that, but I don't ask my children for ANYthing at all and never have.
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Wow Punch, I can relate to s mother telling a child things they should never have knowledge of. My mother was very jealous of my sister's relationship with our father. My sister would sit on my father's lap when she was five and my mother would remove her as though there was something nasty about it. I am the youngest of 4 with my sister closest to my age (5 years difference). My mother made sure I hated my father and I did until I was an adult and saw that my mother was the problem not my dad. I asked her when I was little why there was so much age difference between me and my siblings? Her response was that she didn't want to be alone when the other three left home. She had my two brothers and my sister within a three year period and I know darn well that I was not planned. It is ok to tell a child they were not planned but were a beautiful surprise and so wanted. My mother (paranoid personality disorder and Alzheimer's) destroyed my father...emasculated him so badly and that is one thing I still resent her for today. She resented his contact with his family of origin, ran his family down to the dirt and she never met them until years later. I remember her telling him he was a useless provider, father, and husband. When my father quit drinking, she would come home from work and make a drink as was usual for both of them. Then she would stand in front of my dad holding her drink out to him saying you want one, Oh yeah, you can't drink because you're an alcoholic!! My dad had the integrity to admit he was an alcoholic and became sober. My mother only quit drinking because the family rallied behind my dad and we no longer had alcohol at family gatherings, but she never would admit she had a drinking problem. You will get the peace you are seeking so keep sharing!!
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Austin..we're sharing things here that I've not really shared with much of anyone and it's very cleansing. Love you for your honesty most of all, love feeling vindicated somewhat. Still sad it isn't what it might have been, but knowing in my heart that I haven't done anything wrong. My sister in law told me while it is a relief she doesn't have to deal with her anymore, she mentioned that she would have been thrilled to have taken my dad into her and my brother's home. I told her she would have had to fight me for him! That's how sweet my dad really was. We never could figure out what made him stick around and not just walk out, but we think it was in the day when they "stayed for the kids." We as children used to pray they'd get divorced! Would have loved having my dad to myself. I would say something sweet to my father and the jealous shrew would mimic me in a real smarmy voice. Sick pup. I'll get to the place eventually where I can move past this and have peace. Thanks again, all you wonderful dear people.
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Punch boy do I hear you I remember being deathly ill -becomming a nurse I know that I had memingisits and my fever was so bad -my bed was turning around in circles and according to her it was all in my mind and having pains in my legs instead of finding out I had junival arthrities -it was growing pain -give me a break -just in the last years I told my sister -seven years younger how things were for me and she said it is a wonder I can even be near our mother now. She is now in her 90's and finally she does not have any power over me -listening to Dr. Phil and reading here about dysfunctional families and narcisstic mothers -I have learn so much and I know our relationship is not my fault and I am finally able to detach from her and took my power back-she can not hurt me any longer her behaivor is unacceptable to me-and it is her fault we will never have a good relationship and so be it-it is what it is.
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My mother told me I owe her because she fed my face. I am 57 and she is now 83. Women are much more independent today, thank goodness.
My mother always depended on someone else for everything in her life. I would not recommend to anyone to invite their elderly mother to live with them now that I know that it just gets worse. They have lived their lives, and now want to restrict others from living theirs??? This is the extreme case I am talking about. The narcissistic parent where everything revolved around how she felt and thought and with little regard for her daughter who ends up being the one who takes her in and her caregiver. She is abusive and the daughter now realizes that the abuse did not just start , that it was there growing up. Keep your chin up and one day everything will be different once again, in the meantime be strong and your own person, and don't let anyone put you down. It hurts when a loved one is cruel, since after all a mother is supposed to have an unconditional love, I know i do for my son, and would rather be dead than subject someone to what I have been tolerating. That's what happens to a selfish unhappy person later on in life because they never did anything with themselves to help others. Hopefully we learn from this, and become leaders not followers of the past.
Remember, we lead by example.
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biblioscribe-OMG we must be related!! LOL LOL Yes, that IS how it should be--a normal feeling of warmth and not disgust at the thought of your parents. However, my father was a sweetheart--fully emasculated by the domineering shrew. Here's another lovely and loving memory and was actually caught on camera. My mother detested my first husband and as I said, I loved him but that marriage was a way to escape and have my own life too. Immed. after our wedding, we formed the receiving line in the rear of the church where we were married. As typical, my mother was standing at my right, as we formed the line and before guests could come through the line she looked up at me with the most detestable smirk on her face and said "well, you got what you wanted." It was like she had planned to deliver that line precisely at that moment. The photographer snapped that split second and I can still see the picture and the look on my face and the glance I gave her summed up all that I have felt for her my entire life. I almost wish I could share that pic. Multiply those kind of episodes hundreds of times and one would wonder why it took me until she reached her 90s to finally say "enough."
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First we did not ask to be born. It was their choice to have children. With that choice came the responsibility to raise them. I wonder if some of the parents took care of their own parents? My mother wouldn't even go see her mother when she was dying and asked to see her. The owe me mind set has always been some peoples way of life.
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This site has been a real eye-opener for me. I see words like 'entitlement' and 'narcissistic' and while I don't really think necessarily it is a 'misery loves company' sort of sentiment I feel, I must say that all along I was thinking so much of my life was unique, but I see it really isn't at all. As Austin says above, her mother basically considered children a good source of a extra hands around the house and an insurance policy for future care. I too can relate to the 'marry the first person who comes along' just to escape the madness. Imagine your mother selfish enough to involve you, as a child, in every nuance of her failing marriage, telling you things about your father that no kid should ever have to hear, and you as a 14 yr. old developing duodenal ulcers from the sheer stress of the situation. Oh, the stories we could share on this site, and isn't it funny how as you get older those marring memories do NOT fade but become more vivid. You know, I just recently shared with my brother a time when I was a teen and stormed out the back door to take a walk and the thought I had in my head at that time (and I can even remember where I was when I thought it) was 'when I get old enough to get away from her, I will never speak to her again.' Imagine pushing aside all those lousy feelings and sucking it up anyway, trying and trying again to make it work--then realizing no one else has ever managed to accept and embrace her ever. What a shame to have seen every relative (even her own siblings) move to other states to escape her using them. Seriously.
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PunchNJudy -- Are we siblings? ;D I have a mother just like yours and I fully understand what you're saying. Children of normal mothers can't possibly fathom what it's like to grow up as the child of a narcissist always looking forward to the end of our childhood, always hoping our mothers will act like mothers someday, etc. only to find them becoming crueler with age so that they infect our old age with their toxicity. I get it but don't expect others to; no one should have to really and I'm glad that most people cringe at the thought of despising one's own parents. That's the way it should be.
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patricia you are blessed to have someone like your granny-what about your mom? My mother in law was one of those special people-I went out of my way to do nice things for her because she appreciated every thing we did for her. It hard to do things for my narristic mother when instead of appreciating all that I have done for her over the years-she complains about everything. I hacve had to let go. I made sure she is a great assisted living and made sure all her health issues were addressed. Im done
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My mother told my sil that parents have kids to do the work around the house-and that is what she did -we turned out pretty ok but not because of her but in spite of her-she once said to my aunt I guess I was a good mother because you four turned out allright right-to me I was so flabbergased I was speechless for a few seconds and because I did not want to go there I finally said I guess thinking at the time OMG how many years of therapy and marrying the first guy who was nice to be-until we were married-and turned out to be narcissic himself.
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