My mother is 90 and has some mild dementia and bad balance issues and has recently been having even more trouble caring for herself due to a bad knee. She called me over and over and over again, begging me to take her to a nursing home, as she no longer wanted to live alone and realized she couldn't take care of herself and was scared of falling. I dropped everything I had on my plate - including taking care of my own health needs. I cancelled two important doctor appointments, including one physical therapy appointment that I had waited for for six weeks. I jumped through every hoop imaginable in order to visit facilities, then made numerous trips to her doctors office to get forms done and re-done because of their errors. I did everything I could in order to get everything taken care of ASAP and all the while, she was calling me and begging, "Please take me today." I haven't been sleeping because I've been so worried about her being on her own and I've been worried about leaving her at at a facility, too. I brought her there today and filled out tons more of paperwork, wrote the check for the deposit and first month's cost and gave them my credit card number to have on file and basically moved her in. After only being there for about four hours (with me there much of the time), she went into complete panic mode and insisted on going home. She refused to stay for even two weeks to try and get used to it. After all the begging and pleading for me to get her there right away, she said "I just didn't think it would be like this." So now we're back where we started and she can't care for herself properly and I feel like giving up. I see no end to the relentless crushing pressure of dealing with her and with my siblings, who all have varying opinions of what mother needs and who are quick to hurl insults and barbs at each other such as, "I do more than you do to for Mother - you do nothing." It's exhausting and it's taken a toll on my daughter and my marriage. I have no future and no hope as long as my Mother is alive. I have a mental disorder and so does my 22 year old daughter. In other words, we have enough problems of our own. Our lives have been consumed by this and I'm at the breaking point. I want to move far, far away, but my husband refuses. If I can't escape, I think I'll die. My parents weren't all bad, but they abused us when we were growing up and as a result, my siblings and I all still suffer keep emotional scars to this day. When I expressed my disappointment to Mother today that she wouldn't even try it for two weeks after begging so hard to be brought there to live, Mother said, "I took care of all of you for a long time. I said, "Yes, Mother, you took care of me for 19 years. I have helped take care of you for 22 years. I feel like we're sort of even. When does it end? How much of our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls do we owe our parents? And how can I escape, short of suicide?
2. Call mom's doctor and request some Xanax or other medication for anxiety and give it to your mother.
3. Take mom to lunch and tell her that the nursing home is paid for and non-refundable and she HAS to stay there for at least 30 days and drop her off as pre-arranged with the nursing home. Point out to her that this will be like a vacation for her where she won't have any chores to do and everything will be taken care of for her - kind of like going on a cruise ship! Don't stay longer than a few minutes or go to mom's room. Don't visit mom directly or take mom's calls for 2 weeks, but DO call the nurse daily to check on how things are going. If you want, make secret visits to see how your mom is behaving without her knowing you are there. What most people find out by doing this is that their parent has adjusted and is having fun, but when they know their adult child is present, the parent dissolves into tears and begs to go home. It's kind of like putting your child in school for the first time. You child might cry and beg to go home, but you are legally obligated to make sure your child goes to school. In this case, you are obligated to make sure your mom gets the care she needs regardless of if your mother wants it or not. Your job is to manage this situation by not having any knee jerk reactions on the day you check mom in and when you begin visiting your mom. Don't reason with your mom, when she asks to go home, get up and leave. Soon she will learn that there is no point in asking you to let her go home. If your siblings take her out of the home, she then becomes their problem.
4. If after at least 6 months, you feel that the nursing home is not meeting your mom's needs or that she should return home with in-home care, then make a change. But don't rush into any changes before the end of 6 months as it often takes this long for an elderly person to adjust to a new situation.
Also, know you are NOT alone. You are NOT the first person this has happened to and you won't be the last. But you can take action NOW to solve the problem and make sure your mom gets the care she needs and you receive some relief from the burden of caring for your mother and can go back to being her daughter, not her caregiver. Give yourself this gift and don't feel guilty.
I agree with the above posts - if your mom is back home, then maybe your next steps are to say, I care, and I'm so glad I tried to help, now I'm busy with my life for the next week or two. I love you, am glad to talk with you and I understand it's hard to make changes. I wish you all the best, Mom, and I know you'll sort it out.
And get off the phone and unplug it, until you are rested and have spent time on your own affairs, and feel ready to consider what's up with your mom again. I told my disabled brother, I can offer to help, and I love you, but I cannot promise to succeed or save you. I'll work to find some time, and do the best I can fit in, if you want and ask me to, but that's it.
When I went through what you just did, with a choice made then rejected, I'd work to persuade him, to stay for a whole month, and I promised that at the end of the month, if he still wanted to leave, I would help him - that worked well. After a month he never wanted to leave. Good for those who mentioned your getting support - it's there. And as to our overall duty - it's not our duty to bury ourselves, but many of us do want to help if we can, so honor that - and parents often can't understand - their memory and perspective has gone, and times have changed!
And we owe them EVERYTHING -- we are fruits of their love.
And yes, it's very hard to become a parent to your own parent. But, as mature and responsible people, we have to make the best choices for our parents when that time comes.
How we deal with it? Every situation is different and requires different approach.
Though, remembering how great it feels to give back to our parents should be a motif behind that decision. Just be honest and acknowledge how good caregiver/parent you are. The most important part is not to take it all upon yourself and ask for help when you fail. Nobody is perfect... we are not born to be a caregivers... Not everybody can do that job without learning many new skills. If you feel that you can't handle it, you are probably right! Find some help and remember: you owe nothing.... and everything!
I tried suggesting medical alert to Dad but he didn't want to pay [and I wasn't going to pay for something he can very easily afford].... his primary doctor also suggested medical alert and Dad said "it's for old people". I gave up, as my parents are adults and still very much alert... it's their choice.... even thought it stresses me out to no end.
Don"t let her blackmail you. Take care of yourself first.
Do you think you and as many siblings as possible could get your mother back to the NH? Get her to her room, say "I love you mom and I'll see you later." Then I agree, stay away for at least a week or two! Don't answer the phone when she calls. Call the nurse or social worker if you feel you need to check up on her. I also agree with asking the doctor for some anti-anxiety meds, even if it is just short term.
Next, sit down with those lovely siblings and set some limits as to who will do what and when. Put the plan in writing and give everyone a copy. Don't let anyone give you a guilt trip. Stay calm but firm.
Then, plan how you are going to take care of yourself, your daughter, and your marriage. Someone wrote the word "therapist" but I didn't see it in your post. If you are seeing a therapist already, great; if you are not, how about making an appointment now? Are you on anti-anxiety meds and something to help you sleep?
Hardest thing to do: stop letting your mom run your life. Yes, you care for her; yes she took care of you when you were a child; yes you need to make sure she is safe and taken care of, but whether or not she is going to be happy is not your job. You can't make another person feel happy anyway, so do what you can and then let go. Please, please, take care of yourself! Best wishes.
I know my parents never were caregivers to their own parents because they lived out of State and would visit maybe one week per year. The siblings did most of the caregiving. Thus, my parents don't understand first hand the pressure and stress they have placed on me. I have no siblings and no children.
I am trying to help out the best I can and I am grateful they are still independent in their 90's and live alone with each other.... transportation is their only want since neither no longer drive. But I am very resentful because when my parents were my age [60's] they were traveling the world and enjoying life.
I am trying to lean my parents to other options, such as home delivery of groceries/curb-side delivery and I would go on-line and place the order. We tried it the other day and I thought it was a godsend, worked perfectly. Another option have home delivery of their mail instead of me going to the PO to pick it up. Those two options would save me a lot of time and limit the stress. But my parents give me excuses why neither is a good idea.
Tryingtying, I know how you feel. At times I think my parents will outlive me. The stress has created several serious health issues with me.
I did visit every day, but I didn't have the background you have. I believe you have to simply refuse to have any more to do with this. If your siblings want to take care of her, then they can (you know they won't).
Your mother likely needs mental health care along with everything else. You have an obligation to yourself and your daughter. Your mother may not want to stay at the nursing home, but she is there. In your case, this should end the issue.
It's too bad that your credit card is on file. You may have to cancel the card if you can't get your mother's credit on there instead. If she has to apply for Medicaid, then that's fine. Provide the documentation for the process.
I see no way that you can go back to taking care of her. Please take care of yourself.
Carol
If relations have broken down irretrievably, you call a sibling conference to be attended by anyone who wants to have a say. It is a case of "speak now, or forever hold thy peace." On the agenda are two items: one, your mother's needs (to be assessed and agreed on); two, how these are to be met.
if your mother is adamant that she wishes to remain at her own home, and assuming she has not yet lost mental capacity so that you cannot overrule this, you find out the names, contact details and rates of her local nursing/care agencies and cost out for her how much she will need to pay someone to provide her with secure care at home. If she's still interested and can afford it, make the arrangements.
These are the practical issues. The emotional issues, however, seem to be the bigger problem, by quite some distance. I quote: "I have no future and no hope as long as my Mother is alive." Come again? What does your therapist say about that? I think this is actually the point you need to address, isn't it.