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My mother is 90 and has some mild dementia and bad balance issues and has recently been having even more trouble caring for herself due to a bad knee. She called me over and over and over again, begging me to take her to a nursing home, as she no longer wanted to live alone and realized she couldn't take care of herself and was scared of falling. I dropped everything I had on my plate - including taking care of my own health needs. I cancelled two important doctor appointments, including one physical therapy appointment that I had waited for for six weeks. I jumped through every hoop imaginable in order to visit facilities, then made numerous trips to her doctors office to get forms done and re-done because of their errors. I did everything I could in order to get everything taken care of ASAP and all the while, she was calling me and begging, "Please take me today." I haven't been sleeping because I've been so worried about her being on her own and I've been worried about leaving her at at a facility, too. I brought her there today and filled out tons more of paperwork, wrote the check for the deposit and first month's cost and gave them my credit card number to have on file and basically moved her in. After only being there for about four hours (with me there much of the time), she went into complete panic mode and insisted on going home. She refused to stay for even two weeks to try and get used to it. After all the begging and pleading for me to get her there right away, she said "I just didn't think it would be like this." So now we're back where we started and she can't care for herself properly and I feel like giving up. I see no end to the relentless crushing pressure of dealing with her and with my siblings, who all have varying opinions of what mother needs and who are quick to hurl insults and barbs at each other such as, "I do more than you do to for Mother - you do nothing." It's exhausting and it's taken a toll on my daughter and my marriage. I have no future and no hope as long as my Mother is alive. I have a mental disorder and so does my 22 year old daughter. In other words, we have enough problems of our own. Our lives have been consumed by this and I'm at the breaking point. I want to move far, far away, but my husband refuses. If I can't escape, I think I'll die. My parents weren't all bad, but they abused us when we were growing up and as a result, my siblings and I all still suffer keep emotional scars to this day. When I expressed my disappointment to Mother today that she wouldn't even try it for two weeks after begging so hard to be brought there to live, Mother said, "I took care of all of you for a long time. I said, "Yes, Mother, you took care of me for 19 years. I have helped take care of you for 22 years. I feel like we're sort of even. When does it end? How much of our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls do we owe our parents? And how can I escape, short of suicide?

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You may have to get her declared incompetent. Or you might get her some anti- anxiety meds and try this again, but make NO contact for two weeks to give her time to settle in. You might also NOT help her at home (we had to do this) to make her realize she needs assisted living at the very least.
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On the practical point, how did you leave things with the NH (that you, after all, had bought and paid for)? If relations haven't broken down irretrievably, this is what you do: unsmilingly but not angrily, you take your mother there, you hand her over to the staff, you tell her you will be back in due course, you turn on your heel and you leave. Any siblings who wish to criticise can either come up with a better option or shut up.

If relations have broken down irretrievably, you call a sibling conference to be attended by anyone who wants to have a say. It is a case of "speak now, or forever hold thy peace." On the agenda are two items: one, your mother's needs (to be assessed and agreed on); two, how these are to be met.

if your mother is adamant that she wishes to remain at her own home, and assuming she has not yet lost mental capacity so that you cannot overrule this, you find out the names, contact details and rates of her local nursing/care agencies and cost out for her how much she will need to pay someone to provide her with secure care at home. If she's still interested and can afford it, make the arrangements.

These are the practical issues. The emotional issues, however, seem to be the bigger problem, by quite some distance. I quote: "I have no future and no hope as long as my Mother is alive." Come again? What does your therapist say about that? I think this is actually the point you need to address, isn't it.
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Trying, is your mom in a Nursing Home or an Asssisted Living Facility--they are vastly different settings. It sounds as though, as hard as you're trying to get this correct, you may not be the best person to deal with placing your mom. And why are YOU paying for it? Your mom sounds like an impulsive person; what did she think a NH would be like? In your shoes, I would call a family meeting, as CM suggests, and tell the sibs that you've done what you could, it's time for them to step up to the plate. Then back away from this situation and let them do the planning. Take care of yourself, your marriage and your daughter.
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Why is at home care not an option? Your mother sounds like a narcissist who has become mentally incompetant, and you appear to be unable to say no to her. Make a decision and stick with it.
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Nearly every person who moved into a nursing home has these times. It takes time to adjust. My mother made the decision that was necessary and I flew to make arrangements much like you did. Even though my dad (her husband) lived in the same facility and she knew it well. She knew the staff and that is was an excellent place. But it's a change and change is hard. It took her time to adjust.
I did visit every day, but I didn't have the background you have. I believe you have to simply refuse to have any more to do with this. If your siblings want to take care of her, then they can (you know they won't).

Your mother likely needs mental health care along with everything else. You have an obligation to yourself and your daughter. Your mother may not want to stay at the nursing home, but she is there. In your case, this should end the issue.

It's too bad that your credit card is on file. You may have to cancel the card if you can't get your mother's credit on there instead. If she has to apply for Medicaid, then that's fine. Provide the documentation for the process.

I see no way that you can go back to taking care of her. Please take care of yourself.
Carol
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The hardest thing for any of us to do, is to trade places, and parent our parents.
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Excellent question, how much do we owe our parents.

I know my parents never were caregivers to their own parents because they lived out of State and would visit maybe one week per year. The siblings did most of the caregiving. Thus, my parents don't understand first hand the pressure and stress they have placed on me. I have no siblings and no children.

I am trying to help out the best I can and I am grateful they are still independent in their 90's and live alone with each other.... transportation is their only want since neither no longer drive. But I am very resentful because when my parents were my age [60's] they were traveling the world and enjoying life.

I am trying to lean my parents to other options, such as home delivery of groceries/curb-side delivery and I would go on-line and place the order. We tried it the other day and I thought it was a godsend, worked perfectly. Another option have home delivery of their mail instead of me going to the PO to pick it up. Those two options would save me a lot of time and limit the stress. But my parents give me excuses why neither is a good idea.

Tryingtying, I know how you feel. At times I think my parents will outlive me. The stress has created several serious health issues with me.
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Dear trying, can you help me understand....did you take your mother back home? It sounds like you did, but I can't believe the nursing home staff didn't support you in having her stay for the two week trial. Where are the things you moved in? Surely, since you paid the deposit and first month's fees, the room is still open.

Do you think you and as many siblings as possible could get your mother back to the NH? Get her to her room, say "I love you mom and I'll see you later." Then I agree, stay away for at least a week or two! Don't answer the phone when she calls. Call the nurse or social worker if you feel you need to check up on her. I also agree with asking the doctor for some anti-anxiety meds, even if it is just short term.

Next, sit down with those lovely siblings and set some limits as to who will do what and when. Put the plan in writing and give everyone a copy. Don't let anyone give you a guilt trip. Stay calm but firm.

Then, plan how you are going to take care of yourself, your daughter, and your marriage. Someone wrote the word "therapist" but I didn't see it in your post. If you are seeing a therapist already, great; if you are not, how about making an appointment now? Are you on anti-anxiety meds and something to help you sleep?

Hardest thing to do: stop letting your mom run your life. Yes, you care for her; yes she took care of you when you were a child; yes you need to make sure she is safe and taken care of, but whether or not she is going to be happy is not your job. You can't make another person feel happy anyway, so do what you can and then let go. Please, please, take care of yourself! Best wishes.
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I agree with everyone. My mom is 90 too and leaves a lone. I put her on medical alert. Have you tried that for your mother. Also try having a leave in for your mother. Medicaid will pay for that. Take care of yourself first. I neglected myself as well and ened up having a seizure. My son has seizures also and leaves me.
Don"t let her blackmail you. Take care of yourself first.
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Sometimes I felt the exact same way. Like the only escape would be death. You'll do what you have to do before you take this on another day. Your mom will be well looked after. That's what people in the profession are paid to do. Let them handle it for awhile. The colossal relief you'll feel when you know that your mom really is in competent hands, hands trained to deal with alz and dementia, will know no bounds. Sure, there's always guilt. But some guilt you just have to live with, for everybody's sake.
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In reality only you can really answer this question as family dynamics are all very different. You mentioned your own health issues, them need to be addressed first, your mother is safe in the home and this begging to go home is a very common reaction as home is all they know. She may or may not adjust but you can't allow it to run havoc on your and your families life. I know that it is easy for me to say stay away for a week or two but this is probably best for all concerned. This will allow you to get your feet back underneath of you and allow her time to adjust without you having a break down. Don't answer calls nothing give her time to think and learn to appreciate what you have done for her. Best of luck to you I hope it helps.
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pami68, good idea about medical alert. Wish I could get my parents to subscribe as my Dad [92] tends to fall, especially when he is doing yard work.

I tried suggesting medical alert to Dad but he didn't want to pay [and I wasn't going to pay for something he can very easily afford].... his primary doctor also suggested medical alert and Dad said "it's for old people". I gave up, as my parents are adults and still very much alert... it's their choice.... even thought it stresses me out to no end.
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You are doing what you need to do. You have made sure she is safe. You are NOT letting her down or neglecting her. You should NOT assume financial responsibility for her. Get your credit card off the NH's records. And regarding your siblings... I just told my sister that if she is so upset by Dad moving to the nursing home, SHE is quite welcome to take over. (Not gonna happen) Take care of yourself and your daughter, and don't let Mom manipulate you anymore. Good luck!
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I agree with Carol's response--You need to take care of yourself and your daughter--Only a few hours in a nursing home is not be the best way to judge the success of your mother's willingness to stay. Your question about how much do we owe our parents does beg an answer. It is my belief that we owe our parents respect and dignity as they age. How do we begin that discussion? Simply, when our parents can logically discuss some of the concerns as they age. So many times, family members don't discuss some of them most important issues about life--many skirt those hard to talk about issues. So to all of you who are reading this, please have discussion with the family regarding end life issues, nursing home placement, POA, and anything else so you to provide respect (pay back) to your parents so that when a issue arises you don't feel unprepared to assist and that you have beeen given "permission" by your parents to move forward with their wishes. Take care of yourself and get mom the help that she needs--
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We owe them NOTHING -- they did not ask us if we want to come to this world....
And we owe them EVERYTHING -- we are fruits of their love.
And yes, it's very hard to become a parent to your own parent. But, as mature and responsible people, we have to make the best choices for our parents when that time comes.
How we deal with it? Every situation is different and requires different approach.
Though, remembering how great it feels to give back to our parents should be a motif behind that decision. Just be honest and acknowledge how good caregiver/parent you are. The most important part is not to take it all upon yourself and ask for help when you fail. Nobody is perfect... we are not born to be a caregivers... Not everybody can do that job without learning many new skills. If you feel that you can't handle it, you are probably right! Find some help and remember: you owe nothing.... and everything!
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It's so very hard to be the one to have to care for an elderly parent as I know from experience myself. Though only for the past four years( I can't believe you lasted 22!!!) it puts a toll on your own health and relationships and you are not wrong to feel anger, frustration, guilt and above all resentment. From reading others comments on this sight I have found that there is some weird comfort in knowing that so many others are going through the same things as we are. You are NOT alone is your feelings and the one and most important advice I can give you is to take of yourself first!!!! If you don't, you will have serious health issues as I did and won't be able to deal with your mom's. Your siblings need to step it up and help out or you can just refuse to be the sole caregiver and see what happens. At least you did get your mom to go to the facility, which is a good start, as many elderly, like mine won't even consider it. There may come a time when you won't have to ask you mom whether she wants to or not and it sounds like that may not be too far away. Join a caregiver group to help you with your anger issues and to understand exactly what dementia is and what happens to the parent. It will help you mentally and emotionally from one who has been there. Hope this helps a little. My prayers go out to you.
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I understand your feelings. Moved Mom to an ALF nearly six yrs. ago in my hometown. I have been listening to how she "hates it" for at least five of those years. At one point I also felt that if this is going to be my life for another five years, I don't want to live. (I'm the only child, and she is verbally abusive). Got much counseling, and now I feel ok in taking care of myself. When she was my age, she had a husband and they traveled and had lots of fun. I have the same right, now that I'm retired, and I'm not apologizing for it. My kids remind me that my responsibility is to see that she is in a safe environment, has 3 squares a day, and someone to make sure her meds are given safely. I visit once or twice a wk, but I encourage you to let trained people take over, and get mental health for yourself. Your mother has lived her life. You have a right to live yours.
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Yes, Trying, I too know much about what you faced. Good for you for stepping up, canceling your appointments, doing your best to show up and set things up well for her. That is a beautiful thing. It does not mean you should do it over and over - but it is a valuable gift you gave her. In my years of work with elders and my own brother with brain injury, for whom I set up services - I've learned to agree with the frail person's feelings, but respect my need toi stand back to ask what is best, for ME as well as for the person. The next task is to develop the courage - and it takes practice and failures - to stand up for what you decide.

I agree with the above posts - if your mom is back home, then maybe your next steps are to say, I care, and I'm so glad I tried to help, now I'm busy with my life for the next week or two. I love you, am glad to talk with you and I understand it's hard to make changes. I wish you all the best, Mom, and I know you'll sort it out.

And get off the phone and unplug it, until you are rested and have spent time on your own affairs, and feel ready to consider what's up with your mom again. I told my disabled brother, I can offer to help, and I love you, but I cannot promise to succeed or save you. I'll work to find some time, and do the best I can fit in, if you want and ask me to, but that's it.

When I went through what you just did, with a choice made then rejected, I'd work to persuade him, to stay for a whole month, and I promised that at the end of the month, if he still wanted to leave, I would help him - that worked well. After a month he never wanted to leave. Good for those who mentioned your getting support - it's there. And as to our overall duty - it's not our duty to bury ourselves, but many of us do want to help if we can, so honor that - and parents often can't understand - their memory and perspective has gone, and times have changed!
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It ends when your mother is dead. Stop putting yourself through the ringer, get her back into the nursing home, and let professionals handle her. Then take care of yourself and your daughter's needs. Stop talking to your mother for awhile after she goes back to the nursing home. She needs at least a month to adjust, but whatever you do DO NOT take her out. We "owe" our parents life, however, there comes a time when you have to think of yourself first in order to have a life. If your other siblings won't help, then stop doing what you are doing. Your mother will complain no matter what you do. Get her back in the NH and then take only seldom calls from her.
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It sounds like my own story, my mother has manipulated and consumed my life ever since I was a young girl. I have been on Meds too and I have looked after my mother since her husband died (he was her slave) she has now mellowed down some but someone needs to be with her at all times to keep her company and she likes to be catered to in every sense. She has been in 3 different ALF's and never got alone with the staff, I finally brought her home to live with me over a year ago and of course I have no life, all I do is work full time and cater to a family that has totally left the caregiving to me. Even my own husband says she didn't cause any problems. Of course yesterday he spent the day watching tv while I went out for pampers, gave my mother a haircut, did her nails, gave her a bath and blew dried her hair, I ordered lunch for her since it was Getting late and I laid in bed for a while being so tired, she came in my room 3 times complaining about her hunger, oh and kept giving her water and meds for her constipation throught the day, by the time I was done all I could do was wash my own hair and get my clothes ready for work. She goes to daycare now so she can adjust and I have chosen an ALF with a private little room for her. I'm willing to go the xtra mile but I won't allow my family to kill me just because my mother has become my responsibility. I know it's not easy, the guilt, the compassion, but we do what we can, if anyone thinks they can do better or they happen to be god let them step in and help. If your walk with your mom is anything like mine then brace yourself. Don't let other people judge you because you feel like dying or you want her to rest. It's called depression and lack of help and support and also lack of the right people to guide and help through the process. God help you find the people and the way to help your mom w/o your mom leaving you half dead. Good luck and God bless.
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Stillhope your mother and mine must be twins. Mine is a NH now (Parkinsons, dementia & stroke) and can no longer sit up or stand. She lays in bed most all the time fantasizing about buying a big fancy house and having live in staff (servants/slaves) 24/7 and each time I visit she starts on me to make plans for it. I skirt the issue by refusing to discuss "until you can walk again" which she never will. And then of course there are the frequent accusations - all my fault she ended up in a NH and her house was sold. I ensure she has all she needs but visits are unpleasant and I dread them.
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I just want to say thank you to all the responses as I have been on the caregiving merry go round for 5 years finally finding a home and board that won't drain my retirement as the ALF kept raising costs. I also found a support group which is very important. Yes I am prime care giver for my Mother. She is 90 and my parents never even really talked, so Dad died and my Mom was angry Best to everyone
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1. Call the nursing home and sort things out with them so that they are ready to take your mother back.
2. Call mom's doctor and request some Xanax or other medication for anxiety and give it to your mother.
3. Take mom to lunch and tell her that the nursing home is paid for and non-refundable and she HAS to stay there for at least 30 days and drop her off as pre-arranged with the nursing home. Point out to her that this will be like a vacation for her where she won't have any chores to do and everything will be taken care of for her - kind of like going on a cruise ship! Don't stay longer than a few minutes or go to mom's room. Don't visit mom directly or take mom's calls for 2 weeks, but DO call the nurse daily to check on how things are going. If you want, make secret visits to see how your mom is behaving without her knowing you are there. What most people find out by doing this is that their parent has adjusted and is having fun, but when they know their adult child is present, the parent dissolves into tears and begs to go home. It's kind of like putting your child in school for the first time. You child might cry and beg to go home, but you are legally obligated to make sure your child goes to school. In this case, you are obligated to make sure your mom gets the care she needs regardless of if your mother wants it or not. Your job is to manage this situation by not having any knee jerk reactions on the day you check mom in and when you begin visiting your mom. Don't reason with your mom, when she asks to go home, get up and leave. Soon she will learn that there is no point in asking you to let her go home. If your siblings take her out of the home, she then becomes their problem.
4. If after at least 6 months, you feel that the nursing home is not meeting your mom's needs or that she should return home with in-home care, then make a change. But don't rush into any changes before the end of 6 months as it often takes this long for an elderly person to adjust to a new situation.

Also, know you are NOT alone. You are NOT the first person this has happened to and you won't be the last. But you can take action NOW to solve the problem and make sure your mom gets the care she needs and you receive some relief from the burden of caring for your mother and can go back to being her daughter, not her caregiver. Give yourself this gift and don't feel guilty.
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We are not perfect and if something should happen to you who will look after her and your daughter. Please do what standing alone has said and what I have said above. YOu can have a live in with her and insurance pays for that also. You also need time for yourself. You are first not second. I live 12 minutes a away from my mom. But if she gets worse I will put her in assisted living for her own good. She knows I will too.
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Thanks Moxie that is very good advise and when its time for my mom to go into a assisted living I will remember that.
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Hi, I am also an only child with medical issues, and wanted to travel before it's too late. But the guilt ingrained about having strangers take care of my mother is too strong. The real question, I think, is how to get rid of the guilt if I put her in a nursing home? If we have sick children we take care of them, no matter what. But why is it that, when it comes to taking care of parents, we have some kind of resistance?
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zee5509 - is it "guilt" or is it fear of upsetting others who think they know what you "should" do? I find it's easy to confuse those two, and writing things out, including my feelings and my own wishes for myself and resentments - and the expectations I fear - all help me to separate those two. For me, "guilt" would be when I would feel regret that I did not plan enough time to rest and consider the issues , so I made decisions only in fear of others' opinions. When I take time to reflect and consider what I believe is right, and also what I want to give in terms of my feelings of love or honor - then I feel OK and don't have later regrets. If I try to answer everyone else's needs, I would leave out my own.
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I think the first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. If you're feeling hopeless, see no future for yourself, and wish you could die you're in no position to be taking care of your mom.

You seem to value the importance of taking care of your mother, regardless of what occurred during your childhood. Kudos to you for that.

Your mom is having buyer's remorse, for lack of a nicer way to put it. She wanted to be put in a nursing home and it sounds like she needs a level of care that necessitates being there. Tell her the decision has been made, BY HER, and you expect her to stay there. Tell her you want to assess the care she gets there and it will take some time to get a full picture of what her time there is like. Remind her, repeatedly, this is what she wanted and now she's committed to living there. DO NOT put a time limit on it, i.e., "try it for two weeks", otherwise she'll focus on that date and do everything she can to sabotage being there. Also don't tell her she's there to stay no matter what. Leave it very open-ended.

I've no doubt the change is scary for your mom. Even if she was immediately happy to be there it's still a big change and change is difficult for all of us. Acknowledge her fear of the unknown AND commend her for having the wisdom to know she could no longer live as she was.

If she tries to blow up your phone with repeated calls to come and get her, tell her you will talk with her only _ times a day and other than that you won't answer the phone when she calls. Tell her you know the facility will call you in the event of a medical emergency.

Tell your siblings about this plan of action. It sounds like your the primary caretaker for your mom among all the sibs. If any of them protest this plan tell them to put up or shut up--either accept this arrangement or take over primary care of your mom.

I hope you are seeing a therapist. If not you need to.
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I also want you to consider what the alternative is likely to be. If you don't place your mother now, it is likely that in the future, there will be either a serious accident (broken hip) or medical crisis that will force you to place your mother. Almost 90% of all nursing home admissions are made on an emergency basis. In that situation, the hospital will tell you that they will only release your mother to a nursing home with only 24 hours notice for you to find a place for your mother. That means, that the nursing home of choice may or may not have a bed or room available and you may have to place your mother wherever you can which might not be the optimal facility or even a nice place. It might be the worst one in town that is the furthest from you is the ONLY facility with availability at the time. So, you and your mother should look at her moving now as insurance against that happening. Moving now means your mother gets to choose where she will live. Otherwise, she will have no choice whatsoever and will wind up moving wherever there is space. 4 hours of only spending time with you in a new facility is nowhere near long enough for your mother or anyone to judge whether or not the place is like what they thought it would be. It takes time to adjust to being in a facility. It takes time to get used to the routine and make friends with residents and staff and find activities you like to do. So, get anxiety medicine and take your mom back to the facility and make sure she has adequate time to adjust to it before you consider letting her come home. Take care of yourself. Once your mom is placed, since there are other family members, this would be a good time for you to take a little vacation, yourself. Maybe you and your husband could go on a cruise?
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If you or no one in the family is able to guide your mother's care or pay her bills, then you can ask the social worker to work with your state to appoint a guardian for your mother. However, guardianship relinquishes any control over your mother's finances, assets, and healthcare. The facility, physicians, and hospitals will not be able to give you any healthcare statuses on your mother if she is under someone else's guardianship. It's OK to walk away. Just realize the consequences of your actions, hold your head high, and walk if it means giving up your life and well-being. Some people are just not able to be caregivers, and that's OK too. Best wishes to you, your mother, and family.
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