After researching and visiting a number of assisted living communities, I felt this one suited her best. There are only 65 residents, 1/3 are men. The residents seemed to be on her level of physical and mental ability. I passed up the snazzy resort-like community since her tastes are rather simple. The residents where she now lives prefer to sit and watch without communicating. There is no ambassador. No one has stepped forward to introduce themselves. She had high hopes of finding a game partner and making a friend or two. She's not outgoing, but I give her credit for trying to make friends and going out of her way to participate in what activities they offer.
For the past 3 years she lived with my brother and sister-in-law, who begged her to let them be her paid caregivers because they needed the money. Since he is the baby boy of her three children, she happily agreed. My husband and I helped out by taking her 2 or 3 days a week without monetary compensation. Her life with them consisted of sitting in front of the TV all day, with an occasionaly dinner out. Last month they told me to find other arrangements for her.
I guess my question is: does anyone know how to get a LO settled into a new community. There must be other residents like her who need a little help connecting (how to find them?). Any suggestions would be appreciated. I don't want to be the pushy/complaining family member. I just want her to be relatively happy in her new home.
Often the outside stuff is not overly publicized as some folks cannot afford to go or they really need a family member to definitely go as they need a shadow or spotter. The residents go in the facilities van with some staff but family go in thier own car and meet up at the restaurant
I had to laugh when she said all the people there were so old. She's the second oldest person there. She also said they just sit and stare at her. I'm beginning to wonder if her level of cognisance is more refined than most of the residents. It's assisted living, not memory care. Probably I'm just being overly protective of her. She's a very sweet lady and it kills me to see her unhappy. I will take the advice here and get more involved.
Find out if they have live singers come. That often lifts the mood and invites people to be in conversation after the music stops.
I'm not sure how much time you have, but, when my LO went to regular AL, I actually would go and visit during the day and sometimes the evenings. I'd sit in the reading room or activity room and chat with the other residents. We would talk about their relatives, which part of the community they grew up, favorite foods, hobbies, etc. I would share of myself, but, mainly talk about my cousin, who was not that chatty. Plus, she had dementia, so, she was not very social, but, was lonely. So, I brought them to her. She would usually just sit and listen, but, it made her feel included. They enjoyed chatting with me, so, they looked at her fondly and would talk to her after I left. Sadly, my LO's dementia progressed and she had to be moved to a MC. Once at the MC, she felt much more comfortable and was quite content. So, you might observe to make sure that your mom and these other residents are able to converse socially.
Several of the responses recommend that she see the activities coordinator, which is a good start.
You may also want to assist her by arranging a get together of her own outside of the gatherings arranged by the AL facility. Could be for coffee/tea and cookies or something along those lines.
I will say this - sometimes as children/caregivers, we expect too much of AL living environments. There is this expectation that everyone there wants to be friends/have friends and that having arranged activities means that their LO and/or other residents will participate. This isn't always the case. It also takes time for residents to acclimate to someone new.
It may well be that, despite whatever the appearance and presentation were for this AL facility, the residents are functioning at a lower physical and cognitive level.
Give it a few months - if nothing changes, you can look into another alternative.
She complains that others do not talk with her, in fact people do not smile or laugh as much in Ohio as they do in Kansas!
I ate lunch with her at her IL facility and there was much conversation and laughing. She just sat there and ate. Later complained about how everyone just sits there and shovels the food in and then leaves. That's not what I saw but any sort of reasoning is lost.
Don't know if this might be happening for your LO, but just thought I'd offer it as a possibility.
Best wishes.
In the six days of living in the ALF she is more physically inclined while her short term memory has declined immensely. But, she is also quite skilled at manipulating me. This may be her way of getting me involved more. Or it could that the residents are functioning at a lower physical and cognitive level, as IAMKHM suggested.
I will take everyone's advice and give it more time. Thx
If your mom & you play a game in the common area then some may gravitate to watch & they may be the ones who play games - but what you doing is showing others that your mom likes to play games so that might make an opening - give your mom a deck of cards in a box that she can carry with her all the time in case an opportunity araises
maybe go to the dining hall with her and chit chat with other around her? Maybe suggest they “meet again later” for dinner or coffee? (Then She has “plans” for later when you’re not there)
Id try just one or two friends at first. It’s easier to remember names and it’s a lot of information to learn about someone all at once... a friendship can build gradually, and she might enjoy having someone to do things with rather then a big crowd.
Encourage mom to continue to be cordial and greet people around her, people that appear comfortable in their own skin tend to be a magnet for others, needy people scare others away, this is true no matter the age group.
All the advice about you greeting and speaking with others is great, as well as you and mom doing an activity in a common area, be sure and laugh and talk just show what fun you are having, make sure that you are doing something that others can join in. When they meander over to see what's so entertaining, invite them to join in. Do a name intro and move on to the fun, lots of people hate to be the center of attention, and questions can make them feel uncomfortable. So a neutral fun environment until there is some familiarity is safe for all.
I found if I always smiled and said hi, no matter the response in about 2 weeks I would get a smile and hi back. Sometimes we have to be what we want to see in others and it is not always easy to take the time or the uncertainty of the situation. She can do this with your help.
It took him almost a year to settle down. Now he has found people to help and he is a lot happier because he feels important. The doctors discovered he was having Adrenal Gland failure and when that was taken care of he perked right up.
I agree with others give it time. Personally, I would visit her in the common rooms and see for yourself what is up. In other words, don't visit her in her room. This is a huge change in her life and she may need a long time to adjust. If over 3 or 4 months, you see no one else talks to anyone, then deal with it. If everyone seems friendly and she keeps complaining to you, maybe you need to put it back on her to do something. She might feel if she complains enough she can go back to her old place. I think that is what my ex thought but it wasn't going to happen, his apartment was gone and so was all of his things.
Today I called my mom on FaceTime because I have a cold and couldn't visit her. She has a problem with fluid buildup that can lead to heart failure, so when she told me she had swelling in her ankles, I had her weigh herself while I stayed on the phone. She needed a diuretic but couldn't get the cap off the bottle (that's the one medication I manage for her). She took the pill bottle and phone down to the nurses office and I asked the nurse to help her. Within minutes she had her pill and her juice caraffe filled up and all was fine -- oh, the wonders of modern technology! In a minor crisis like today, I can be there without being there.