My Mother lies about me, but she doesn't do this to my brother. Is this a symptom of early dementia?

My mother, a life long A1 narcissist, has always lied. She would complain to me or my enabler father about someone hurting her and expect us to take that person to task while she sat back, played the victim, and enjoyed the show. In a NH, she lies to this day.

Last time I visited I took her some of those Laughing Cow little cheeses. When an aide came in she offered her one, which the aide declined ... they will accept nothing from residents. Said the aide "Oh, she's so sweet, she's always offering us stuff". In the meantime my mother is always whining that they steal her stuff, hurt her etc. Of course I totally ignore it. She only does it for attention and, even though she's had increasing dementia for years (recently starting to hallucinate) the evil manipulation is as strong as ever.

I am experiencing the same delimna with my mother, but she has been diagnosed with dementia 2 yrs ago but now seems to be getting worse from week to week. She's 89, in a facility for care. No one in my family speaks to me anymore ( sisters,neices,sons, aunt/uncle) as she tells them the most horrible things about me. I don't take it personal as I've been living with her slanderous lies my whole life, but she now has started to tell other people these things. What concerns me is the lack of critical thinking among those she lies to and how this is causing the whole family to be fractured and split. No one seems to question what she say except me and if I don't agree she says there has always been something wrong with me. It' sad to watch he deteriorate. She agreed to have her step-daughter have POA, let her take all her furniture (antiques/collectibles of considerable value), the other step-daughter has all the china/crystal/silverware, while her grandson has emptied her bank account. I tried speaking to har Dr. but he seems to blow me off as some unstable, malicious person. I speak to her not too often as she becomes quite demeaning and verbally nasty. When I do, I remain civil and keep our interactions short. We all live in different states all over the US, except the one with the POA, who is about a mile from her. It's just sad to see the greed, gullibility, ignorance that is happening. I'm not concerned with myself and the lies, just what the behavior is doing to the rest of the family.

Your comments have all been helpful to me as I have been the "evil one", run ut of town, come back to be her caregiver and am going for guardianship. My family hates me and mom at times does also, but I am doing the best that I can. When she is away from their influence she is more stable and kind. I know I have a rocky road ahead and I am totally stressed at times and alone. My court date comes up soon and I am trying to hang in there. Your comments have been amazing!

Yes she lives with my husband and me for 2 years now. Her dr does not know the extent of her drinking. She has diabetes, dementia (has been worse in past year), high cholestrol, has had open heart surgery, high bp. I dont understand how her liver or kidney is not affected. Worse part is it is difficult to help someone who is not willing to help themselves..her drinking makes everything 100x worse. Her latest drama is she told my SIL that my husband and I beat her and her last visit to the hospital was cause we beat her, when it was for blood in her stool (diagnosis -hemorrhoid). SIL obviously knew this was not true. She also told my SIL that we bug her phone and her room and the entire basement. Any advise My husband still travels a lot but our house is up for sale and plan to move to KC within the next few months (yes she will be coming along). appreciated. I have already upped my anxiety meds.

libra - I am so sorry. Is this recent? Mine "sings" elder abuse quite often . Mostly it means anything that doesn't go her way. So far it has not really been directed at me, but would not surprise me if it was one day, or if my sister was involved. What a dreadful way to treat a famly member who is caring for you. I trust that it is a storm in a tea cup, but very hurtful nonetheless. How are you?
guamgal2009 - does her doctor know about the drinking? Does your mil live with you? Has she been assessed?
frustrated - you are what I call the black sheep - the scapegoat. It is hard, I know, especially when other family members get "a pass" as you put it. Being "being 'more of who she is" is what I see too. All the bad behaviours are still there.
Madge - What I have seen in my mother is that her paranoia has increased to the point of being quite "crazy" at times. Other than that, the other behaviours are the same, though she does not rage as much as she did many years ago, but then she has lived on her own for years, and I think that is the biggest factor. It does not take her long to get angry when she is around people. I think living on her own has been good for her, I always felt that once my father died her life would improve as she was so antagonistic to him - not that he deserved it.

I am the oldest of 5 (we range in age from 56-42). I live in SE., next oldest brother (clearly the favorite, acknowledged by all of us lives in the West Coast, and the other three literally within a few miles if not blocks of my parents in the Midwest). Unlike so many families, being the oldest means nothing in this family. In fact, I am really treated by my mother as more of her "competition" than her daughter (this has always been the case and she has said many nasty, untrue things about me to others in the family as well as outside of it). I have been castigated for not, for example, flying out to visit my brother during a time when I was a single mom supporting 3 kids and with little vacation time, but he has never been to see me! He has gotten a pass all of his life; different rules apply.
My mother is no doubt a person with NPD. She triangulates, is very dramatic, married my dad at 17 and he always babied and coddled her, she never worked in her life (ok, for about 6 months when they first got married) and likes to sing the praises of being a 'stay at home' mom but she had weekly cleaning ladies, tons of help from my grandmother and from me (she used to say she only had me to take care of the other kids and I really believe her!) and had a huge spending allowance just for her whims. My father indeed has created a monster and his version of loyalty has always been to 'side with my wife', leaving me vulnerable to her persecution whenever she sees fit. I have always had such an independent spirit and really never have trusted her (for good reason - I was very close to my grandmother, who felt always more like the mother she wasn't but she died when I was in my 30's so I have been verbally at my mother's mercy ever since). Both my parents like to bring up 'how much they helped' me when I was divorced and although I expected nothing and knew it was my job to take care of myself and my kids (my ex paid little child support - was self employed and played that to the fullest), they did help - a little bit. Nothing near really what I have done for my own kids with much fewer resources. In my opinion, this is just what parents do. I don't really know what they want from me! My mother is really downright hateful to me, and she manipulates her cry baby act so that now, after she instigated a fight and I told her to back down and laid down ground rules almost a year ago, she has most of my siblings telling me how much she misses me. She has always treated me differently, as if having someone to kick gives her the release she needs to be nice to everybody else.
I have heard from my siblings that they think she is 'losing it'. (I can only dream! Maybe she would be nicer!). I don't think so. She has never had to be responsible for herself or her actions and although I think she is getting a little more absent minded I would not say that I can notice anything more than being 'more of who she is'. She seems to still be an expert manipulator and her targets - usually me - and actions seem mostly pretty calculated.
I have a hardened heart toward her mainly for self protection. I don't hate her and if I were the only person left to care for her I would keep her safe, monitor her treatment in a nice place and visit her some times. But she has beat me to death emotionally to the point that I feel really nothing.

Add to all the above to my situation with my MIL...She drinks a minimum of at least 6 oz of Jack Daniels EVERY night.
Any advice there?

All narcissists lie......be prepared that she might report you for elder abuse as mine did......good luck to you

Madge - this is such a tough situation... I feel for you, my grandma did this to my uncle. The poor man, he was hurt deeply over all kinds of terrible accusations. It's as though she forgot his true honest and kind nature completely. The family knew better and he had a lot of support from us but it was still hurtful. If you can seek counseling to help you vent and learn to let it go perhaps that
s best..There's no shame in deciding to take care of yourself over something this hurtful. I'm sure you're good to your mom and honest, but I can see both sides...In some cases it's necessary to "edge out one kid because they just cannot be trusted. I have a brother - a total narcissist and sociopath - he thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with him and that he should handle all of mom's affairs. He complains to anyone who'll listen about how I'm the favorite and I manipulated my mom into making me her PoA. He is convincing because he's convinced himself that his lies are true. Never mind that my brother has gone through four bankruptcies, that he "borrowed" so much money from his in-laws that their 401(k)s are empty or that he's lost homes and cars because he can't pay his bills....

I am a hairdresser and the shop has been in business for over 50 years. I been working there for 20. We have 4 generations in same families as long time customers. So in a way I have seen alot of this, and without realizing it, I was gaining knowledge about the elderly and what happens as they age. Then I put this all to use when It came to my Mom, who has dementia(age 73 at present) . My Mom also was always quite odd and my family disfunctional, luckily my Dad kept us secure and divorced her probably to keep his sanity. Anyway I was always her favorite I am the youngest my sister the middle and my brother the oldest with a learning disabilty. Well sister helped her until she got to hard to deal with so she was then the favorite because she didn't do anything that ment disturbing Mom's independance. Then I became the bad guy because I did what was needed, took her to Drs, made her eat right, gave her horrable pills, cleaned her house etc. I disrupted Mom's world. When I saved Mom from herself, I was doing the right thing but I became to her the one that stole her stuff was poisoning locked her up etc. I had to do what it took to keep her safe and healthy and functional. I ignored her comments and my sisters unwillingness to help and just did it. She is now in a NH and I have no guilt because other wise she'd be in harms way. I visit and stay ontop of all nessasary in her care and I know Mom knows I am the one who cares eventhough she tells me to leave her alone when I visit. I know this because she trys to get my sister and my aunt to take her out of there, but wont ask me. That I take as a compliment because she may not understand or remember clearly but she knows" I" will not give up on her, I see right thru her and deep down she trusts that, but it dosen't stop her from testing me. Like a 2 year old needs to be protected and acts up when his Mom won't let him do something harmful. It is for their own good and even if he hates you or screams for sympathy you don't give in for Love's sake! It is all a test for security and Love!

Madge, Madge, Madge...
Take a long look at what you have written. You are going through something 'crazy' and don't have to torture yourself. The best thing is to let it go. Family issues always fall into the category of "Me". It is not about you. You have issues with your brother, your mother and your own self worth. Separate these and know you are a good person, doing the best & wanting the best for all concerned. Get off line and find a psychologist who specializes in geriatrics. This has been invaluable for me. It's a hard time and everything is at 6s & 7s.

Hi Madge, I really feel for you! I am primary care taker of my Mother In Law and she lies about the silliest things... I am 99 0/0 sure that she has AD and we are having a real hard time getting a diagnosis. She can make things up so well that the Dr thinks she is just fine! It's really hard to explain how she does it.... When he questions her about specific information, she takes control of the conversation by diverting the focus on some phony scenario that sounds perfectly truthful to the Dr. (the big meal she cooked yesterday, showering on her own, excercises every day, picking out her clothes, dressing herself, driving her car etc...) Makes me crazy that he believes her! I am just the Daughter In Law who cares for her 24/7 and I know that she is incapable of doing any of these things... I am careful to gently express the real truth with the Dr and this infuriates her!
I have to work very hard on my attitude and mindset in order to remain calm and caring! I constantly remind myself that she is sick and in her mind, the things she says are her truth. It's a hard situation to deal with........ My heart & prayers go out to you!

Thank you all for your answers. Mom has always been self centered. My brother always the favorite. But the problem is I live in another state and he lives 5 miles from her. He is so self absorbed in his own life he won't see the symptoms until they really get bad. She just sent me a very sentimental birthday card, all gush and love. Then she will turn around and tell a lie to her neighbor about me, who immediately tells me (we were best buds growing up). She sent a check with the card, but I don't want to cash it. You see, she will tell everyone I don't talk to her but I sure can cash her checks. Get the picture. I have talked to my brother about her behavior and he is worthless. He was 100% on my side at first but now it is just too much trouble for him to be bothered with. When my Dad was very ill, she would procrastinate about taking him to the doctor, I ask my brother to intervene. He said no it was Mom's job to take Dad to the doctor, well Dad died. Mom is a fool to trust his judgement. Time will tell.

That was the first sign that we saw with my mother-in-law with her dementia. Because her son (my husband) is her caregiver, I think she felt that she had to hide the signs of dementia from him. With her other son, he is not a presence in her life, so she could pretend with him that everything was fine. When signs became apparent that she was ill, she started resenting my husband because he was seeing them. She started making him (or myself) the "bad guy". If she misplaced an item and we found it, she would accuse us of moving the item to make her "think she was crazy".

Your first priority is taking care of yourself, but understanding that it may be an illness that may be causing your mother to act this way. My mother in law has always been self-absorbed, but adding dementia to that has been very painful for us to deal with.

I wish you the best of luck.

Madge, I feel for you. I have noticed that a relationship with a parent with any kind of dementia can go south in a hurry. If we (the caregiver) make a mis-step or displease/ anger the parent, the parent can suddenly view us in a very negative light----and it is irrational, not true at all. This is very difficult. Like others have said, do not take it personally. Try to learn to brush it off and ignore it. Just do the best you can, given the situation, and GOOD LUCK.

This is very typical of Dementia, sometimes the favorite can also become the one who is now resented by the parent and they now have issues and take it personal, this is the nature of the beast and like someone already commented, just take the highroad and let it go because it is not personal. Things are not going to get better so you need to prepare yourself for a tough road ahead and if you take everything personal you are not going to survive.

Madge1,
It is a shame that you are going through this. My only advise is from experience. Sometimes it is best to take the high road. Truth will out. If the lies are not true, they will be found out. Who has POA? I don't know about the Narcissism but lying and playing siblings against siblings can be a sign of dementia or just meanness. I would recommend keeping some contact, on a limited basis, just so she can't add "I have been abandoned." Medical POA & Durable POA are very important to get for someone, while they can still sign. It doesn't have to be you, but getting them once they can't sign is almost impossible. Then you have to take it to Guardianship and that requires legal proceedings with a judge and a declaration of incompetence. This is not an 'easy' time in your life and with your relationship with your mother. Take the high road and sooner or later others will see the unfairness of her aspersions and realize she's going down that slippery slope.

Parents do have favorites and as age advances the favortism seems to increase. Early onset dementia can make the propensity to have favorites increase. A comfort level can exist and if any thing, arguably increases. But, your mother may be vulnerable. The dynamics between your brother and your mother may be of interest. You may want to analyze a bit. While it is not abnormal for one sibling to manipulate a parent, doing so to a vulnerable parent for personal benefit is abusive. Try staying closer and more involved without being viewed in any manner confrontational. I would urge you to not discuss thoughts you may or may not have about your brother with your mother. A diagnosis requires a doctor. It sounds like you may not be able to pull that off. Be strong, endure and love your mother may be the best means to reduce the lying. Casually, watch your brother..............

It has been my experience with my own mother and now my sister that lying is often the easiest thing to do. I cannot impress those around me enough that my mother simply has no imagination. Zip. Zero. She cannot imagine anything outside of her own reality. Look up the word 'Solipsist' or 'Solipsism'. I am not sure whether this classifies as narcissism or not, but my entire family has been disfunctional since I can remember, it is just masked in very subtile ways. Also, my mother tends to "shut out" anyone who disagrees with or disappoints her in any way. Speaking the truth can do it, if you are being truthful with her it is probably that you do not agree with her unconditionally. Fortunately for me, I really am the more stable one of the family and have at least treated her fairly, so I have faired better than some, though this by no means living wilth her is comfortable. In reality, it is like living with a not-too-bright seven year old. As for my sister, lying has just been the easiest thing to do.