As the title says my mother in law is isolating my father in law. My mother in law fits DSM V criteria for bipolar disorder but won't see a doctor for it. He is 82, she is 76. They have been married for 50+ years.
For the past two years she has not let my father in law out of the house. He did have bypass surgery and since then has minor confusion and some generalized weakness.
He told my wife today that he wants to go to church. My MIL will not let him leave. We believe she even threw out all his clothes except pajamas. He doesn't even have any shoes so he can leave. Aside from minimal confusion, he is alert and oriented.
My wife is now upset because my FIL is not happy and not able to leave the house. We have tried offering to take him for her. I am a RN/Paramedic so I have the knowledge to help him. I have access to a wheelchair and a wheelchair van if needed. We have explained this to her but she still refuses. She acts paranoid.
I don't know what to do. I know APS is an option but if we do that and they don't help my MIL could block all access to my FIL for my wife which would not help. I know my MIL needs psychiatric help but won't go.
What can I do to be able to get my FIL out of the house if only for church once a week without completely nuking my MIL and wife's relationship? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. In Ohio, USA if that helps.
1) Paranoia typically involves a feeling of persecution. Does MIL think that FIL will be stolen from her if he leaves the house? Who is going to do it? You? The Government? You’ve probably invited her to come too – what’s the problem with that? Are there any other ‘persecution’ symptoms? Can you do a bit of checking – even on the net – about the implications of paranoia and bi-polar, what is coming down the track, and how to handle it?
2) Is this about COVID fears? (though 2 years is longer than COVID, even if it seems eternity) How much of a problem has COVID been around your way? Can you get them to be vaccinated? If not, why not?
3) Presumably your wife is still visiting, probably you too, and can have a look around. Are you sure about whether FIL still has clothes and shoes? What does FIL say he wants to do about clothing and all the other things, not just a Church visit? What does he say about MIL and the marriage? Would he want to separate? What does your wife think about it all?
3) If this ‘lock-down’ has built up in the last 2 years, is MIL getting worse? In what ways? What comes next? Is this just about control, or are there any signs of other persecution of FIL? At what point would you and your wife feel that intervention is essential? Will your wife ever put the relationship with her father before that with her mother? If sooner or later intervention is going to nuke your wife’s relationship with her mother, is putting it off in everyone’s interests?
Perhaps you need to be looking at the longer term, and focusing on a church visit is clouding the real issues.
You may need to pursue guardianship, but this is a very strenuous legal course involving lawyers, time and money. Your FIL may need to be deemed incompetent, which he certainly seems to be right now.